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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel upset by casual comments about my choice to remain childfree?

193 replies

Syrinx89 · 18/02/2020 21:39

I love my friends and family, and I love my friends' children. I work with kids and for the most part, feel very privileged to do so and have a great relationship with many of them. However, I'm 85% sure I don't want children myself. As I'm now in my early 30s, I feel that more and more of my friend and family are throwing unwanted comments and opinions at me about mine and DP's future. One very close member of family even turned to me and said 'But you were put on this earth to have children'! This made me cry, and I still feel so sad thinking about how it made me feel - like there's something wrong with me or a missing 'gene' stopping me from feeling a motherly urge like everyone else my age.

I'm sure I'm not the only one out there...? Sorry for rambling!

OP posts:
DesignedForLife · 19/02/2020 22:00

People are well meaning idiots sometimes. If you don’t want kids stick with it and enjoy good nights sleep and nice holidays.

Ginfordinner · 19/02/2020 22:13

Your friend's family sound vile ConkerGame. I think I would be inclined to retort "I feel sorry for women who only feel defined by their children"

EmpressLangClegInChair · 20/02/2020 05:49

Your friend's family sound vile ConkerGame. I think I would be inclined to retort "I feel sorry for women who only feel defined by their children"

And I feel sorry for the children of those women if they grow up to decide that they don’t want to provide grandchildren.

Lhia29 · 20/02/2020 06:01

Honestly, it's just internalised sexism from other women and overt sexism from men who say that shit. It's all bollocks. You should watch Kathy Burkes 'All Woman' on Channel 4 on demand. She has a delightfully unapologetic approach to it and speaks to other women choosing not to have kids. (I enjoyed it thoroughly even though I chose to have kids because it takes the mick out of how blatantly reductive and sexist it all is).

Mumdiva99 · 20/02/2020 06:08

This might be a little different as i'm a few years older now....right in the middle of the spending all my time being mum taxi. But my child free friends no longer have time to have or listen to those conversations because they are too busy enjoying holidays, spending time on hobbies, going out to nice restaurants, seeing friends, going to the theatre, having days out..... One friend recently posted her holiday itinerary....I commented it looked amazing. She said that's what happens when you keep working and can spend all your money on yourself doing fabulous things and not on the kids!! Lol.

Rache49 · 20/02/2020 06:09

I have never wanted to have Children. I am at the age now where that question isn't asked as much as when I was in my 20's. I am child free and Happy.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 20/02/2020 07:33

EmpressLangClegInChair "And I feel sorry for the children of those women if they grow up to decide that they don’t want to provide grandchildren."

I TOTALLY misread that and then when I saw the author, my eyebrows shot into my hairline in shock. Then I actually read what it said and calmed down! Grin

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 20/02/2020 07:38

But my child free friends no longer have time to have or listen to those conversations because they are too busy enjoying holidays, spending time on hobbies, going out to nice restaurants, seeing friends, going to the theatre, having days out

As I said earlier in the thread, we child free people live lives of hedonistic idleness. It's an utterly vacuous existence, bowling along from holiday to party to fine dining without a backward glance.

It's a well known fact that none of us have mortgages and bills and homes to run; nor other caring, voluntary, animal or other responsibilities. Jobs are for fools, we waft along in our feckless lives enjoying the here and now. With no time for TV, we rely on our downtrodden parent friends to keep us up to date on Eastenders and the lives of people with Actually Important Childrearing Work to do.

Obviously our lives are pointless in comparison, but we make do.

Mumdiva99 · 20/02/2020 09:05

@BuzzShitbagBobbly sorry if you don't enjoy your life. My child free friends have continued careers, are doing well, have paid off large proportions of their mortgages as most haven't chosen to get bigger and bigger properties. They spend their time doing as they please. They genuinely are out and about all the time. (as I was pre-kids). How do I know - because they are my friends. Because trying to arrange time to see them takes ages due to their busy calendars. It's great for them. And yes they tease me that if I had stayed working, not had kids I could join them on the adventures, holidays, events. No where have I criticised the lifestyle, said it was vacuous, or that they are unfulfilled. They have careers and mortgages and enjoy themselves too.

YouJustDoYou · 20/02/2020 09:12

Those people are clueless and ignorant. I have three children. I work with children. And I completely understand why people wouldn't want to have them. You know how you feel, and that is right for you. It didn't matter what anyone else thinks, but you will probably be getting these kind of comments for a time to come. Developing a thick skin is obviously going to help, but is way easier said than done.

LunaLula83 · 20/02/2020 09:15

They are jelouse of the freedom you have!

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 20/02/2020 09:40

But my child free friends no longer have time to have or listen to those conversations because they are too busy enjoying holidays, spending time on hobbies, going out to nice restaurants, seeing friends, going to the theatre, having days out

That might be the case for your friends, however in many cases we are,leading normal lives with money worries, responsibilities, working normal jobs and generally not living these wonderful decadent lives. And there is nothing wrong with that.

ChocoChunk1 · 20/02/2020 09:42

I always thought I'd have two or three children like my parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents etc. I had my baby at 28 (a traumatic experience, but not a factor in my point) and after she came home, I really wished I hadn't had her.

My parents are emotionally cold and should not have had me or my brother if it meant they were pressured by family and wider society to have us. They didn't really equip my brother and I with the emotional requirements of having our own families. I really did a bad job in DD's early years. My DH had to step in and basically provide her emotional development in my stead. I didn't realise at the time, but my thoughts around being a mother was a factor in my breakdown 18 months ago. That and my parents' emotional coldness as well as work stress. It all built up.

It is only in the last year that my now 13 yo and I are actually bonding. I've had therapy and getting back to who I was. I am not a naturally maternal person, I know that now, but love DD to death. We are in a much better place than two years plus ago. Society, family and friends all put this idea in my head all those years ago that I should have children, and I felt that pressure. If I had been strong enough, I would have told them all to do one.

I have an "aunt" (family friend) in her 70s who never married or had children. I never heard my mum (who kept on at me having babies) criticise her decisions, and they are best friends!

PS: after having DD my DH wanted another but I emphatically said no. I'm now in my early 40s and so I thought I was "in the clear" until DH's friend's partner found out she was pregnant and she's a few years older than me. I have again said, no to any suggestion we try again. I made a decision, which was a mistake, and I am going to spend the rest of my life doing my best to make it up to the child we have, who is actually totally awesome, and a huge credit to her Dad whom I love so much.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 20/02/2020 09:42

BuzzShitbagBobbly sorry if you don't enjoy your life

Yup, because that's exactly what I said Grin

PurpleDaisies · 20/02/2020 10:21

I would leap to your defence buzz but I’m too busy pondering the pointlessness of my life while sitting on a beach with a martini since I have no responsibilities.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 20/02/2020 12:02

I'd defend you too Buzz but I'm a driven career woman who is obsessed with world domination GrinWink

EmpressLangClegInChair · 20/02/2020 12:06

I TOTALLY misread that and then when I saw the author, my eyebrows shot into my hairline in shock. Then I actually read what it said and calmed down!

GrinGrinGrin

RedPanda2 · 20/02/2020 19:45

A friend of mine said she didn't understand why someone wouldn't want children until she had them. I appreciated that.

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