To feel upset by casual comments about my choice to remain childfree?

[Syrinx89]

I love my friends and family, and I love my friends' children. I work with kids and for the most part, feel very privileged to do so and have a great relationship with many of them. However, I'm 85% sure I don't want children myself. As I'm now in my early 30s, I feel that more and more of my friend and family are throwing unwanted comments and opinions at me about mine and DP's future. One very close member of family even turned to me and said 'But you were put on this earth to have children'! This made me cry, and I still feel so sad thinking about how it made me feel - like there's something wrong with me or a missing 'gene' stopping me from feeling a motherly urge like everyone else my age.

I'm sure I'm not the only one out there...? Sorry for rambling!

@HillAreas
So spot on.
I had to embarrass one woman who asked us with a smurk wether we were going to let our only one have a brother or sister, my answer was that we just had a miscarriage.
Sometimes you have to shock people into remembering its non of their bloody business.

@solomummy That's great for you and everything, but what makes you think that it will happen for me? "You'll change your mind one day" is a statement: How can you know how I will feel in 5 years? I may just have a lovely house with DP and 3 cats!

Syrinx89 I only managed it once!

For me it brought up the fact I couldn't have any more kids which was deeply upsetting and when people asked it always caught me off guard and made me very weepy.

Rude people!

Who will look after you when you're older?

Ah yes, that gets trotted out a lot. Ask that of all the elderly folk dumped in nursing homes and sheltered accommodation who see their kids once a week on a Sunday for an hour (if that) who looks after them.

I have children and I do love them dearly but I would probably think about not having kids if I had my time again (2 of 3 have special needs so this is probably some of the issue) as whilst I never thought it would be a walk in the park raising children is very hard.

You’re not unreasonable to remain child free. Ignore your relatives. Just because you’re a woman you’re not fair game to make crappy comments to.

Even on a thread about how upsetting and annoying the comments and questions are, you get the same comments. There’s no escape!

None of their fucking business.

I absolutely did not want to have children, when I met DH he said to me he couldn't give me kids because he had mfi, I was ok with this because children didn't register on my radar. DH always yearned for a child though. So fast forward 7 years and we now have a little one via IVF and a lot of money spent. I love him to the ends of the universe and wouldn't change it now but totally understand why you would choose not to have children. I do not want anymore but that being said we have frozen my eggs just in case I change my mind one day.
As soon as we got married, all the comments started about children. I was very forward with everyone who commented and told them to keep their beaks out of my business.

@MickCarter Yep, one particular comment literally just simulated one of the difficult questions I get asked!

Early 30s I said similar. By 39 I had a newborn in my arms

People change.....

Some do but some still remain incredibly insensitive

I hear you OP. Also childfree by choice. People seem to get so offended by it, but it says more about them than it does me. I'd be rich if I had a £1 for every rude comment.

You don't know what real love is and you obviously don't love your husband enough if you don't want his child are 2 that really got to me. I save my rudest comments for them.

I love my childfree life thanks!

Oh and the whole 'you'll change your mind' also gets my goat. I might, more likely not. Both are ok!

I wasn’t sure I wanted children for years and had the same as you. It’s your age. I had this up until I had my first baby at 34. People are nosy bastards.

Having gone through ivf and pregnancy loss I would never ask why people don’t have children. It’s such a rude and thoughtless question.

All I can say ignore them!!!

@OliviaBenson You don't know what real love is and you obviously don't love your husband enough if you don't want his child are 2 that really got to me.

Oh that is HORRENDOUS. I haven't that one yet, but I wait with baited breath!

I totally get where you're coming from.

I have always worked with children, always loved it and adored the kids in my family but yet never wanted my own. Going home to peace and quiet at the end of a busy and noisy day was bliss and there were many more reasons!

I did change my mind when I found myself unexpextedly pregnant and it's been fab. I now have three. However, I can still see that I could have been equally happy and fulfilled with no children. I think there are many ways to be happy and it's nobody's bloody business why you make the choices you do. Continue to be happy and sod the rest of them!

You don't go around asking people why they had children so why do people feel it's acceptable to ask why you don't?! It's sooo rude. Especially as it isn't always by choice. Don't feel bad OP, there's nothing wrong with you in the slightest and you're definitely not selfish!!! xx

It’s a totally valid choice and one more people should make IMHO (I have one bio and one adopted child).

I wish society would leave women the fuck alone in regards to being childless. They’re still hounding Jennifer Anniston over babies and she’s 50 FFS! It was refreshing to hear the singer Mary J Blige (49) straight up say she didn’t want them rather than skirting around saying ‘maybe one day’ etc etc to avoid criticism from busy bodies.

I thought these sort of comments had gone by TBH .I have children and love them dearly ,however my cousin never wanted any and has never regretted it(now in her 80s!) People seem to love telling you how to live your life /Telling you what to do !

Oh and the whole 'you'll change your mind' also gets my goat

Perhaps reply "I guess you are saying that because you obviously did? I understand" while gesturing at their children.

Fucking rude arseholes! OP you are so not unreasonable to be upset by this. It's not unusual OR weird to not want children as a woman.

Start calling them out on their rudeness. When they push start saying "Have you considered that some women might be unable to have children? And some women might have recently lost a pregnancy when you ask this kind of insensitive question?" It might make them stop.. and hopefully it'll make them stop before they ask that question of someone who desperately wants kids but can't.

I really have an issue with people choosing to have more than two children but I never actually tell anyone that ( okay maybe another child free friend when drunk) because it would be hurtful and it’s none of my business.

@starshapedwindow

As others have alluded to, it's not so much the asking of the questions themselves that is the irritating part, it's that they invariably are asked from the standpoint of having children being the default norm, and with a degree of incredulity that you have made a conscious choice not to have them.

Once you've been asked often enough, you are left feeling that you must be some sort of freak for not desiring/having/liking children, and the constant 'you'll change your mind' which always follows once you explain your feelings implies that because you don't comply to what is deemed the societal norm, you must be some sort of simpleton or scatter-minded half-wit who is incapable of interpreting and communicating their own will.

It's really no wonder people begin to get sick of it and become sharp with their responses, but I think you could probably only appreciate that once you've been on the receiving end of the questions for years and years. It becomes extremely wearing, to the point where the natural reaction is 'Oh FFS, not this patronising shit again".

@bluetongue Can I ask why you have an issue with people having more than two children? I’m not looking to be inflammatory, I just want to understand. It wouldn’t bother me if someone was childless or had 6 children (as long as they can afford to support them!).

@Syrinx89 I’ve had that one, along with;

What’s the point of your life
Why bother being in a relationship
Do you and your husband don’t really love each other then
When you meet the right man and leave your husband you’ll definitely have kids
You don’t know happiness/you’ll never know happiness
How can you be happy with no joy/a black and white life
What will you do when your husband leaves you for a real woman
Have you considered adoption (because not wanting children means I’m a perfect candidate to adopt)
You must be bored all the time
What do you and your husband even talk about then if you don’t have kids
You must be so lonely/will be lonely when you’re old

And that’s just the ‘general chit chat’ ones!

Also advise to keep away from anything childfree on Twitter where many childfree women get rape and death threats, lots of people have weird, long rants about childfree women and especially celebrities who don’t have children - most recent one I can remember is Taylor swift who apparently has lost nearly all of her eggs now and is programming young women to walk the same path as her

@XDownwiththissortofthingX

Thank you for summing my thoughts up so perfectly!