To feel upset by casual comments about my choice to remain childfree?

[Syrinx89]

I love my friends and family, and I love my friends' children. I work with kids and for the most part, feel very privileged to do so and have a great relationship with many of them. However, I'm 85% sure I don't want children myself. As I'm now in my early 30s, I feel that more and more of my friend and family are throwing unwanted comments and opinions at me about mine and DP's future. One very close member of family even turned to me and said 'But you were put on this earth to have children'! This made me cry, and I still feel so sad thinking about how it made me feel - like there's something wrong with me or a missing 'gene' stopping me from feeling a motherly urge like everyone else my age.

I'm sure I'm not the only one out there...? Sorry for rambling!

How bloody rude of people. I think you need to come back strongly whenever anyone makes any comments and tell them it is none of their business and not up for discussion.

You're not alone. I do not have a maternal bone in my body. I don't enjoy being around children and avoid spending time with them if possible. I'm not ashamed of this, it's just how I am. I'm a loving caring friend, partner and daughter; I'm just not meant to be a mother and that's absolutely fine.

People just need to learn to control their mouth and respect that everyone is different. I knew that I always wanted children, in the same way one of my best friend knew that she didn’t. There is nothing wrong with that and it’s totally normal. People always make remarks to her like “oh you’ll change your mind one day”. I very much doubt she will, in the same way that I didn’t change my mind that I wanted children. You’re not missing a gene Op, you just don’t want to procreate which is just fine . All I would say is make sure you and your dp are definitely on the same page. You don’t want to create a life with someone for them to leave you in a few years as they might want a baby after all.

Maybe the family member just meant that you would be a good mother.

There’s nothing wrong with you OP. It’s entirely your choice and personally I think not having children is one of the most selfless things a person can do.

@casmama Thank you for this! It's got to the point where I dread the question "Do you have kids?" as I feel like I somehow have to explain myself! I don't go up to people with kids and ask "Why do you have them?"... Wouldn't dream of it. I only actually have a small chance of getting pregnant as I've got a few health issues, but I've known this for over half my life and am at peace with it, and even so I don't expect it has anything to do with my actual decision not to have kids. I just feel more sorry for women that don't have children not by choice, having to be asked the same questions as me!

My mum didnt have kids as soon as she was married, and was told her bones would lock if she didnt hurry up and breed!!!

I always wanted children. I had 2 but it’s a massive commitment if you’re not fully onboard. One of my DDs is 19 and says she doesn’t want children- fine by me, it’s a perfectly valid choice.

Other people just want to stick their nose in and give an opinion. I chose to have one child and have had very nasty comments about how selfish I am.

You need to remind friends and family that there are more than enough children on the planet without you adding to the numbers.
And, no, there is nothing wrong with you. I say this as someone with a child, who had zero maternal instinct beforehand.

Thanks, everyone. It's reassuring to hear that I'm not alone, and also for those of you with kids commenting that it's not weird means a lot. I hear "you'll change your mind one day" regularly. There are many reasons why I don't personally feel the urge to procreate, but the biggest reason is purely that: I feel no urge. I care about the planet and understand why some people say that it's a difficult time to bring up a child, but really I'm no martyr and am happy for families with kids! Luckily DP is completely on the same page as me and although we haven't ruled it out COMPLETELY, I would be very surprised indeed if our opinions on the matter would be swayed.

I think most people want everyone else to do the same as them. It’s a bit of suspicion and jealousy rolled into one.

Just say how you feel
I have 4 and work with kids too so I absolutely understand people who don’t have any because they don’t want them better than having them just to conform isn’t it.

Also to add, for those that have told me that not having kids is somehow "selfish" I think the most selfish thing would be to bring a child into the world when I didn't really want to and not give it what it deserved in life, rather than to not have one at all.

People can be so rude to women without children. I wish people thought it through more before making those kinds of comments.

I had someone once ask me when I was going to 'hurry up and have kids', and I hated having to pretend it was a casual subject for me when I had lost 2 pregnancies already.
And now that I've had my son it's gotten people pestering my older sister when she's going to have kids! Its ridiculous.

Women who are child free by choice get so many people sticking their nose in about it.

As a woman in today's society, you can't do right.

If you have no kids, you're selfish - how could you not love a child?

If you have one kid, you're selfish - you'll make them lonely and spoilt.

If you have two kids, you're selfish - haven't you thought about the environment lately?

If you have more than two kids, you're selfish - how are you ever going to give them all the time and love that they need?

There is literally no way to win. So you just have to surround yourself with people who support you and your choices, and ignore the people who feel entitled to comment on the activity - or lack thereof - of your womb!

Casual questions of “do you have kids?” Shouldn’t bother you. You’re in the age range for them.

But yes, YANBU to be upset at the rude lady saying you were put on the Earth to have kids. That’s a criticism, not a casual question made out of innocent curiosity.

This article really stuck with me at the time. I'm no fan of Theresa May (apart from her glorious dancing ), but Andrea using the child card so casually not knowing TM's reason for not having children (should she need a reason?!) really aired in public what women go through on a day to day basis.

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/politics/2016/jul/09/andrea-leadsom-told-to-apologise

@sar302 This.

YANBU. What a daft comment "you were put on this earth to have kids".

@Syrinx89 I felt EXACTLY the same as you. Exactly. People called me selfish (I don’t understand that AT ALL). My in-laws asked rude and intrusive personal questions and would corner me on my own and make nasty comments where my partner couldn’t hear. People would say it was ‘about time’ I had children. It used to make me seethe. Still does.

People are happy with their choices and so seem to arrogantly think everyone should do as they have done. And for some reason, feel entitled to say as much. It’s absurd.

However, I have unexpectedly become pregnant. It has been utterly traumatic. I’m working through it and going ahead with it but I am not maternal and I am worried how I will cope. I know I’ll love my baby, not just out of duty, but I fear I won’t be a warm and cuddling mother.

You know you and you do not have to explain yourself to anyone. I just wish people would piss off and keep their self-interested views to themselves.

Not only are yanbu but I'm amazed that far more people don't have kids as it's very hard in a lot of respects and definitely not for everyone. As for you being selfish, that is so, so rude.

Hi OP I'd advise you to take a look at the 'regret having kids' threads or 'should I have a baby' or 'if you had your time again' type threads.

These show that a lot of people who always really wanted kids, either regret it or wouldn't have them if they knew what they knew now. I don't think people say it in real life much but a lot of people think it. So if that's common then there is nothing 'wrong' with you, also given that you work with kids I think it's just more likely you've been able to accurately weigh up the positives and negatives compared to people who have some romanticized idea of what its going to be like then find reality doesnt quite match up

Some people are blinkered idiots. God help their kids if they grow up and decide to stay childfree.

I was never interested in having kids and at 46 I’m still confident that it was the right decision.

I’ll warn you now that at some point on this thread, somebody will disingenuously ask why non-parents are on Mumsnet. At this point we all shout BINGO.

I don’t think anyone should feel obliged to have children. It’s an absolutely valid choice to be child free and if you’re not keen to have kids I don’t think it is a good idea to do so just because it’s the done thing.

DH and I both desperately wanted kids and adore ours, though there have (unsurprisingly) still been tough patches for us. If we hadn’t both 100% wanted this I don’t think we’d have been able to support each other through the rough bits as whoever hadn’t wanted the whole parent thing would, I think, have really resented the other.

One of my best friends is child free by choice. That is her decision and is completely the right choice for her. She is a fabulous “auntie”, great with kids and very much part of our family but while she loves my children she does not want her own: that makes perfect sense.