Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset by casual comments about my choice to remain childfree?

193 replies

Syrinx89 · 18/02/2020 21:39

I love my friends and family, and I love my friends' children. I work with kids and for the most part, feel very privileged to do so and have a great relationship with many of them. However, I'm 85% sure I don't want children myself. As I'm now in my early 30s, I feel that more and more of my friend and family are throwing unwanted comments and opinions at me about mine and DP's future. One very close member of family even turned to me and said 'But you were put on this earth to have children'! This made me cry, and I still feel so sad thinking about how it made me feel - like there's something wrong with me or a missing 'gene' stopping me from feeling a motherly urge like everyone else my age.

I'm sure I'm not the only one out there...? Sorry for rambling!

OP posts:
Thymelord · 19/02/2020 11:21

women are here for one purpose, to have children

My own mum says things like this. Just awful Sad

I have done quite well for myself job/career wise (no, not the mythical MN 6 figure salary but a decent paid job doing something I love, and have just been promoted) and none of my family (mum/siblings) congratulated me, or are ever proud of me because they see the only achievement worth talking about for a woman is to have bred at least 2 kids. It's very hurtful to be honest!

Iusedtobeapartygirl · 19/02/2020 11:23

I used to get the 'you' ll change your mind one day' comments from a family member. I'm now 45 so have been saying that I don't want children for 40 years. Maybe people will believe now that I know my own mind!

The same family member said he was worried about me being bored in my 50s and that I would have no one to look after me when I'm old. What appallingly selfish reasons to have children!

Oilyoilyoilgob · 19/02/2020 11:23

@StarShapedWindow I agree with what you’ve put and it’d be nice if that how it worked, but sadly in most cases, people still view it as strange to be child free!

We don’t have children, my age is probably against me now but we’ve chatted about ttc this year. But for now we could give or take having children. I’ve had a lovely fulfilling life so far and will continue to try my best to live happily and healthy.

I have a sister in law who thinks I’m ‘not normal’ not a complete woman etc because I’ve remained child free (she has two) she’s not worked in eleven years, not judging that but her life choices have been really different from mine-I’ve worked hard and I’m now self employed and love my work! Best of all, I’m happy.
She unfortunately has a lot of issues and the two times she’s been rude I’ve answered her in an eloquent, polite way but third times a charm and if I get rude comments again I’ve chosen to not bite my tongue 😐

Ive never ever passed any comment to anyone about their life choices, it’s a shame women who choose/sadly not choose to have no children are targets for a quick dig or comment from friends and family 😕

PurpleDaisies · 19/02/2020 11:24

So why not educate these limited people? Why not have a conversation so it becomes a normal situation with no mystery.

They don’t want to be educated. They want to judge.

Mittens030869 · 19/02/2020 11:25

@MimiLaRue

Tell me about it. You get all sorts of stupid and hurtful comments when you're an adoptive parent.

'Where's the 'real mother'? Why couldn't she bring them up?'

'Girls like that should be sterilised.'

'Do they know they're adopted?'

'Your girls are so lucky that you adopted them.'

'You're such wonderful people for giving them a good home.' (That makes it sound as if my DDs were pets, not my children. We adopted because I was infertile not because we wanted to be Lord and Lady Bountiful.)

'Doesn't your DH want to adopt a boy so he can play trains with him?' (Whereas my DH loves taking our DDs on steam trains, and besides, we have 6 nephews as well.)

I now don't tell people generally. But that's really because it's now up to our DDs to share that information at ages 9 and 6.

AlexaAmbidextra · 19/02/2020 11:27

Early 30s I said similar. By 39 I had a newborn in my arms.

People change.....

And.... bingo. It’s begun. 🙄

Enchiladas · 19/02/2020 11:29

I didn't have my first child until I was 30 so I got plenty of those 'when are you having kids??! You must!!'.

Now I'm having my second at 31 and all I get is 'OMG you're mad!'.

It's rude, none of anyone's business but mine and my husband.

messolini9 · 19/02/2020 11:29

If you want children but can’t have them I understand the offence at people asking but if you’ve made a decision not to have them why can’t you just say so?

We do, @StarShapedWindow - ad infinitum.
But the intrustive questioners tend not to accept our answers, feel entitled to quiz us on our choices, "other" us, & either make 'sage' (idiotic) statements about how we will change our minds, or start pontificating that we cannot understand the true nature of love.

Look at the thread last week about a childless SiL wanting to decorate a bedroom for her young niece. PP's jumped on the thread to assert that the SiL must have mental health issues, was trying to 'take over' the OP's child, & should only be allowed supervised access to her own niece.

It's not being "oversensitive" to object to that.

Neither is it being arsey to finally snap & give a sharp answer to people suggesting that we don't know our own minds - or worse, people who don't stop to bloody well think about the hurt they are causing women who cannot conceive.

MimiLaRue · 19/02/2020 11:30

@Mittens030869

I'm so sorry youve had such vile comments- WTF is wrong with people?
Yeah, I guess I'm trying to say to the OP that we all get it, no matter what reproductive choices we make- you literally can never win with this aspect and I think its no coincidence thats its always women who get these comments. You never hear people making them about men!

I know its easier said than done, but try not to take comments personally- they say way more about the person making them than you. (A really good book about this subject is "the four agreements")

Thymelord · 19/02/2020 11:30

Early 30s I said similar. By 39 I had a newborn in my arms

People change.....

They can't resist. Imagine how much you would be flamed for asking ^ that poster what she plans to do when she changes her^ mind about having reproduced.

Canapes · 19/02/2020 11:34

Well, you can’t complain about ignorance in society if you’re not willing to educate.

It is no more the OP's business in life to 'educate' the ignorant, rude and unimaginative than it is for black people to 'educate' racists about where they 'really come from' or gay people to enlighten homophobes about they get up to in bed. Hmm

RedPanda2 · 19/02/2020 11:35

I've also had 'you'll change your mind once you get pregnant' ? I have been pregnant and it didn't change my mind. That's why I feel very privileged to live in a country where abortion is legal and free.
Also said: I hope you accidentally get pregnant.
You'll never know real love.
You live near great schools and in the country, you should have a child!
It's exhausting.

GreyhoundzRool · 19/02/2020 11:36

Just waiting for someone to say why are you on Mumsnet if you don’t have children. Don’t think I’ve seen that one for a few weeks 🤣

Blackbirdblue30 · 19/02/2020 11:39

I'm mid thirties and child free by choice and get similar comments.
The best clap-back in my repertoire is in response to the moot point, 'But YOU were a child once!'
'Yes, and one day I'll be a corpse. Doesn't mean I want to live with one.'
:)

whatshouldicallme · 19/02/2020 11:40

I wouldn't mind explaining if I thought people who comment were just uneducated but they're not asking questions for information, they are trying to change my mind. That's annoying since it is a very personal, big, life-altering decision and input from some acquaintance who does not know the details of my life is not helpful.

I obviously do feel comfortable discussing it in depth with close friends, partner, etc. who I know have an actual interest in my life. It is random comments from colleagues I don't know well, parent's friends, etc that put me off.

StarShapedWindow · 19/02/2020 11:41

Of course it’s everyone’s job to educate. Unfortunately school doesn’t cover the ability to be sensitive. I said in my first post that I understand the upset of the topic if you cannot conceive but if you choose not to I don’t see why it’s upsetting. Why shroud the subject in silence and mystery.

whatshouldicallme · 19/02/2020 11:45

It's also hard to discuss tbh with people who do have kids as they've made their decision and it's not reversible, so pointing out all of the legitimate downsides with it seems equally mean.

mencken · 19/02/2020 11:47

while evolution-wise any species is only here to make more, our alleged higher intelligence means that is not our sole purpose.

I'm too old for the comments now, but I found that 'love kids - couldn't eat a whole one' usually did the trick.

Trunkysaurus · 19/02/2020 12:00

@SoloMummy, so what happens if you change your mind again? Are you going to give them up for adoption or just decide to treat them badly because your life has changed and you dont want them any more?

People change...

messolini9 · 19/02/2020 12:05

I understand the upset of the topic if you cannot conceive but if you choose not to I don’t see why it’s upsetting.

It's not upsetting at all to inform people that I do not have children @StarShapedWindow
It IS upsetting to be held to account for that, to be asked to justify my own life decisions, & told that I am somehow faulty, unnatural, & lacking in love.

HTH

ShatnersWig · 19/02/2020 12:11

StarShapedWidow As I said in my first response to you, I don't think you can get it unless you've been there yourself. And your follow ups clearly solidify that belief.

Canapes · 19/02/2020 12:17

Of course it’s everyone’s job to educate. Unfortunately school doesn’t cover the ability to be sensitive. I said in my first post that I understand the upset of the topic if you cannot conceive but if you choose not to I don’t see why it’s upsetting. Why shroud the subject in silence and mystery

I imagine @StarShapedWindow is one of those people who prides themselves on 'telling it how it is' and has all the emotional intelligence of a Cup A Soup.

ShatnersWig · 19/02/2020 12:21

Indeed Canapes. Odd, how some of us have tried to educate the Widow on this thread but she's not having it.

slashlover · 19/02/2020 12:24

@StarShapedWindow

I feel like a lot of the answers on here are coming from a place of hurt and anger which I do find a bit shortsighted considering you choose not to have children.

I am angry, I've had this for 25 years.

I have a few child free people in my family, none of them have ever been in the least bit shy of explaining why. I always thought it was because they were confident and happy in their choices.

How would you feel if you were constantly asked why you decided to have children? Told you were selfish for having them? Told you would change your mind about having them? Explain theses choices to people over and over again?

I try to answer all their questions because I want people to understand my life if they have an interest in it, rather than make their own assumptions. I suppose this is a personal point of view, I just don’t see the harm in answering the questions.

Often it's not questions though, it's comments and telling people they're wrong. What if the replies were
"Why are you Jewish?"
"You'll change your mind and become Christian."
"I was Jewish and then when I hit 35, I felt this wave of something and became and Atheist, that will happen to you too."
"Are your parents not disappointed?"
"You don't know true faith/believing until you're a Catholic."

(insert any other faiths for the ones used above)

nibdedibble · 19/02/2020 12:27

IME women with children don't give two hoots about someone's decision to not have children. I've literally never heard anyone with children say that it's selfish or a mistake. I have heard people say they didn't realise how much they would like having a child and I have seen that communicated clumsily to the child-free.

My point is OP that daft comments like those of your relative notwithstanding, there really isn't an undercurrent of disapproval or pity from people with children. In my experience. Don't imagine we're all side-eyeing you and tutting internally.