To feel upset by casual comments about my choice to remain childfree?

[Syrinx89]

I love my friends and family, and I love my friends' children. I work with kids and for the most part, feel very privileged to do so and have a great relationship with many of them. However, I'm 85% sure I don't want children myself. As I'm now in my early 30s, I feel that more and more of my friend and family are throwing unwanted comments and opinions at me about mine and DP's future. One very close member of family even turned to me and said 'But you were put on this earth to have children'! This made me cry, and I still feel so sad thinking about how it made me feel - like there's something wrong with me or a missing 'gene' stopping me from feeling a motherly urge like everyone else my age.

I'm sure I'm not the only one out there...? Sorry for rambling!

What every one else said, OP.

And I can confirm that if you are happily childfree and at 40 have one child by choice, this is Not Enough Children, and the dopey questions just shift to what in the world makes you think having a Lonely Only is remotely acceptable?

@canapes My cousin was an only childs growing up and she had the most wonderful childhood. The Lonely Only thing is absolute pish (isn't that a great word?)!)

You must know some exceptionally rude people. I was ambivalent about having children, and due to infertility was child free until 41. No-one was ever rude or judgemental to me about not being bothered about having children. I had DD at 41, and my life changed overnight. It wasn't better or worse, just different.

IMO these people are simply projecting their own insecurities.

I also think that many child free people who work with children get put off having them by being with children all day, and are happy to hand them back to their parents at the end of the day.

It stops being as bad once you reach an age where you are clearly past childbearing. One of the benefits of middle age!

So rude of people to ask you don't have children!

As an aside though, please don't feel you need to dread being asked if you have children, or that it'll always be followed up with a 'why'. It's something I sometimes ask, and I'd never ask why - it's too personal and painful a question for many people.

I'll wheel out my favourite response on this topic again, hopefully OP can use it with style

Questioner: why don't you have children?
OP: Just lucky, I guess!

Fuck 'em OP. They are rude and boorish for asking such personal questions. I'm like pp - never had a maternal bone in my body and can make babies cry just by being near them. It all just sounds so incredibly boring! You do what you want to do.

but I’ve had loads of people justifying their choice of having children the moment they hear me say I don’t have them. It’s fascinating.

Similarly, on every thread in this sort of subject area, parents always come along and say "I have kids and I really love them", as if people would otherwise think they didn't have any emotion for their own children. I always find it weird that people have to "prove" they are fond of their children like that!

I'm childfree by choice, and a primary teacher.

I've actually started pulling people up on this now (if they ask more than once) - because if I was someone who desperately wanted kids but couldn't, their going on would be like a dagger in the heart, so I make sure they know how much pain they could be causing.

If it's a one off I tend to stick to the whole 30 kids through the day is enough, then I get to hand them back.

There's also the environmental impact argument if someone just won't shut up about it...

My response varies

• you should be aware that 25% of couples have fertility issues and comments like that are offensive & upsetting.
• so how is your sex life? Frequent? Fulfilling? Oh, you don't want to talk about it? Well I'm not prepared to discuss mine with you, back off.

Its intrusive and offensive to ask such questions, especially as the asker doesnt know what's behind you not having children, therefore it's ok to be blunt back to the questioner

Like the above poster I'm a primary school teacher and child free by choice.

When I'm asked about it, which I am frequently, I use a flippant response, that I'm too lazy for children.

This usually shuts people up!

I have one colleague in particular who obviously can't get her head around my life choices and constantly asks me about it.

I find it bizarre. Imagine how offended she would be if I put a bewildered face on and made her justify her 2 children!

I have a lovely life. I have a wonderful, loving DH, 2 pets, a nice home, plenty of time and money to enjoy time together, hobbies, travel, etc, and have the luxury of working part time as we don't have the costs of a family.

I wouldn't change it for anything.

I get variations on this too, as a childfree man. I'm afraid I simply respond in kind - if they're rude, they get it back twofold. Shuts them up pronto. They never do it again.

@ShatnersWig Very interesting - I often wonder if men get the same sort of jabs. My DP seems to get off lightly, but perhaps that's because he REALLY doesn't give off a vibe about liking kids (he is very shy around children and doesn't really know how to talk to them!). He gets lots of stick from his mum for not "talking to his nephews in the right way" though.

Your job sounds just like mine...I wonder if we have the same one!! I also am questioning whether to have children, DH really wants them and although I always thought I'd have them "someday" now that time is running out I feel so ambivalent. I love working with children, but find that I also really love going home to peace and quiet!

I also think that in my job (maybe yours too!) I get an inside view of what modern life is like for children...and it can be tough! Trying to parent in today's world scares me.

'But you were put on this earth to have children'!

What an ignoramus.
Who by?
& that's all a woman is - a walking womb?

Tell your friend about how large-brained, long lived social animals like elephants live - some female elephants will never have babies, because the herd, & their young, also need good aunties.

@whatshouldicallme Peri teacher? It's not the only work I do - I also do freelance stuff and also work with adults too and teach from home! I think if I only went into schools I would go slightly mad, although I commend those that do; patience of saints springs to mind!

IME you can’t win.
Have none - weird
Have 2 of the same sex - “would you have liked a “boy/girl”
Have one - selfish
Have more than 2 - out of control.

Unless you have one child of each sex then you’re obviously completely fulfilled and winning at life.

It's got to the point where I dread the question "Do you have kids?" as I feel like I somehow have to explain myself!

Oh, Syrinx!
The thing is - you can't immediately change the intrusive & dumb-arse behaviour around you. You can only change your response to it.
Work on your sense of self, so that you are able to ditch that feeling of owing the rude & ignorant any justification for your own life choices.
Next time you are asked - "No, I don't." & either change the subject or ask your questioner about their own children.
If they persist - "I'd rather not discuss it thanks" - & practice a Steely Glare for those who are too insensitive to back off.

I discuss this topic a lot with my friends, because at 36, we are definitely in the category of "expected to have two children" by now.

I have an only because of the birth injuries I sustained, meaning I won't have a further one which I would have liked. Makes the lonely only comments quite painful!

One friend is child free by choice And gets questioned all the time - even at work.

One only has one because she has two step children and they can't afford more, which is the sensible choice, but not her preference.

Two would love a child, but are struggling with fertility issues.

All of these women (myself included if I may), are highly educated, well travelled, interesting women with a lot to offer, and STILL the focus is often on whether or not they have bred successfully. The mind boggles....

If you want children but can’t have them I understand the offence at people asking but if you’ve made a decision not to have them why can’t you just say so? Why is it so offensive for someone to ask if you have DC? Why should it be met with ridiculous answers about not enquiring into your sex life? How oversensitive. Why can’t you just say you don’t want to be a mother? People will always be interested in people who do things differently to themselves, it’s not a bad thing to be interested. If people are being rude I understand the need for a slap in the face type of answer but the level of sensitivity over being asked a fairly mundane question that needs a fairly mundane answer seems over the top in a lot of the previous posts.

People should just keep their noses out of other peoples uterus’s.

They have no idea if the person they are honouring with their opinions has just had their 5th miscarriage, can’t conceive or just plain doesn’t want to have kids and what’s more it’s none of their bloody business!
It makes me so mad that people feel they can freely comment on deeply personal subjects like this (saying this as a pregnant mother of one who has never personally faced any of this pish but I have friends who have been upset by it)

People have big gobs and generally are quite rude imo and bloody nosey

Before I had ds I was constantly asked when I would have children.

Then I had ds and I thought it would stop but then I was asked when I would have a second child.

It's actually quite a relief now I'm too old to have a baby and have to explain myself.

I did manage to say to someone who was being very nosey "That's a very personal question" and shut the conversation down .

Early 30s I said similar. By 39 I had a newborn in my arms.

People change.....

StarShapedWindow I suspect this is one of those areas that unless you have experienced it yourself you just don't get it. To be constantly questioned about it - because it's not just occasionally it's all the fucking time - starts making you feel that you're abnormal for not wanting children. It's absolutely no one else's business whether someone chooses to procreate or not.

I was on holiday in Italy once with a friend who knew I was childfree and we saw a family walk by with a very young Italian boy dressed in a suit (clearly a very expensive one). My friend said "Surely even you think that's cute?" You get how that can make you feel that there's something wrong with you for not wanting children?

I would never say to someone "so, why DID you have children?" whereas I regularly get "so, why DON'T you want children?"

@starshapedwindow It's not the asking that upsets me, it's the constant remarks after I tell them "No". So far I've had:

-"You'll change your mind one day!"

• "I felt like that until I was [insert age] and then suddenly felt the urge, I'm sure you will too?"
• "But how can you NOT want children? You were put on this earth to have them!"
• "Who will look after you when you're older?"

These people all may be perfectly innocent in their questions (apart from no. 3) but don't understand anything about how I may feel after these questions are asked.

The reason why I dread the question itself is frankly because some people just don't leave it at that: A question. Not all... But certainly some, and it's draining!

Good for you @MrsPelligrinoPetrichor - I'm afraid I'm a bit of a wimp sometimes but I would love to pluck up the guts to shut them down like that!