To feel upset by casual comments about my choice to remain childfree?

[Syrinx89]

I love my friends and family, and I love my friends' children. I work with kids and for the most part, feel very privileged to do so and have a great relationship with many of them. However, I'm 85% sure I don't want children myself. As I'm now in my early 30s, I feel that more and more of my friend and family are throwing unwanted comments and opinions at me about mine and DP's future. One very close member of family even turned to me and said 'But you were put on this earth to have children'! This made me cry, and I still feel so sad thinking about how it made me feel - like there's something wrong with me or a missing 'gene' stopping me from feeling a motherly urge like everyone else my age.

I'm sure I'm not the only one out there...? Sorry for rambling!

Feel your pain, OP. As as resolutely childfree woman (who loves kids and works with them also) I really do get it. For me it's the ones who say "when it's the right man you'll change your mind" who get me. As if my partner isn't the "right man" for me as he hasn't made my uterus twitch! I firmly and politely explain that I will not change my mind, as I love children but never want to be a mother. Most shut up then but the odd CF has been known to reply with a "we'll just see..." or a knowing smirk. Infuriating!!

On a side note, now I’m on the other side of things and have a baby myself - although I think these people come across as rude I don’t think people intend to be rude.

Although I absolutely know it’s not for everyone, and everyone feels differently - for me - having my baby is the best thing I’ve ever done. She fills me with the most beautiful and unique love. And I think some people who have had children are just enthusiastic about this and clumsily want everyone to share this in feeling that they have.

Still I remember how hurtful these people could be, ignore ignore ignore.

@StarShapedWindow it's not the question about whether you have children that is difficult, it is the questioning about why and casual comments that make you feel as if this choice is not normal or the right one.

On hearing I don't have children, people say things like...

"I didn't want children in my early 30s either but by 35 I changed my mind. So glad I did, my children are the best thing that have ever happened to me and now I can't imagine my life without them!"

Imagine in reverse if on hearing someone else had a child I said...

"I used to want children but once I turned 30 I changed my mind. So glad I did, being able to afford lots of holidays is amazing and I can't imagine weekends without a lie in!"

There are plusses and minuses to each choice and it's rude (and odd) to try to make someone feel as if they are not smart enough to make the best choice for their own situation. It also comes off as bragging.

@whatshouldicallme Brilliant... I'm stealing that one!

@FET2020 I am definitely aware that it's not always intentional (although it sometimes definitely is!), I think it's important to raise awareness that it's OK to ask, but really not OK to ask why.

I’ve had all these comments (including being called selfish and ‘what makes you so special’)
It does stop when you hit your 40’s and then you just get asked if you’ve got them. I tend to answer with ‘CHRIST NO!!’ and that stops further questions. Very happy with my choices.

Syrinx89 Personally I don’t think anyone should ask, although I know people aren’t intentionally mean, I do remember how annoying the question was when I didn’t want kids then when I did and had pregnacy loss and needed fertility treatment the question became very hurtful indeed.

The conversation I always remember was with a friend who worked as a maternity nurse.

Her question of "So when are you and Ex going to have your first?" came at a time when all present had just had or were expecting theirs.

I responded "We're not. Neither of us are remotely interested in having kids", which was met with -

"You know you can get help with that these days?"

I just stood there baffled, wondering if the words that had come out of my mouth had somehow implied we were incapable, which, after I'd shaken off my disbelief, I then for some reason felt inclined to tell her we most certainly were not.

These days I'd have just told her to 'Fuck right off' and walked away.

Try getting those comments from you husband .... its worse.

He had kids young with his ex wife and I'm happy for them. They are adults now. He loves children and is currently this week looking after one of our friends kids during the day for the holidays. I'd rather have matchsticks stuck under my finger nails.

I am 43 and I have never ever ever wanted children (apart from the odd thought of who will look after me when I'm old since I'm an only child, my husbands older than me and I have no family - however that is NOT a reason to have kids).

I am selfish, set in my ways and enjoy doing things that are not child friendly. I don't like noise and I don't like things out of my control. If I had children, my parenting style would be a la captain von trap and I probably would have done well in the 60s/70s as a mother.

Anyway.... the point I am making is he knows very very well I am not mother material.

Yet every time there is something on TV about a woman giving birth or raising a family, he looks at me and goes "have you never really wanted a baby growing inside you"

Or various other comments.

Its got to the point where I just hit him the look before he even opens his mouth.

So I feel your pain.

I’m childfree and hate being asked why I don’t want children. People rarely just accept your answer, instead, they try and convince you that your reasoning is wrong, you’re naive and will change your mind.

Also to add to the list of typical responses:
I’ve had people smugly tell me that ‘accidents happen’. Which I think is extremely inappropriate.

I can’t believe people are so rude and intrusive. My inclination would be to meet any of these comments with a sad look and a murmured “I can’t have children”, if you could force a tear or two that would help. Where do people get off with thinking it’s OK to behave like this?

Oh, the other trope that gets lobbed at childfree people is that we all spend our times island hopping round the Caribbean on endless holidays, cocktails in one hand, fuckbuddy du jour in the other, living feckless, meaningless existences of wasted money and irresponsibility.

The inference being our lives are pointless and only parents know what responsibility feels like.

@ACautionaryTale

"have you never really wanted a baby growing inside you"

This sounds like one of the worst bits about it to me!!!

Mamato2 for environmental reasons I think everyone should only have enough children to replace themselves. Obviously multiple births and contraceptive failures happen but in general I think having smaller families should be encouraged.

@BuzzShitbagBobbly

I play on that, and do my best to give the impression that's exactly what I do. I know for a fact it drives a few insane with jealously, and I'll happily throw in 'why would I want to ruin my awesome, fulfilling life by doing something stupid like adding children into the mix?"

Of course that's mostly tongue-in-cheek, but after you've been asked again and again it sometimes takes and extreme/sarcastic response for it to register that they are in fact sticking their oar in where it's most definitely not welcome.

BuzzShitbag I hate that stereotype as well. Most of us childfree people just have normal lives with most of the same bills as those with children. Some of us are even not that well off.

I do have awesome weekend lie-ins though

God people are so rude. My dad was the worst for this. I was adamant I never wanted children and he banged on about it so much, about how it’s nature blah blah and I was just look, I have a great life and I’m happy thanks, I don’t need or want any children.
My mum ultimately had to tell him to stop badgering me because it was literally every time I saw him. And then my husband had a go at him in the pub about it and it did get better!!!
Anyway as it happens I did change my mind at 36ish (My own reasons, couldn’t have given any shits about what anyone else wanted) and have a baby now and he’s wonderful.
Now I have to put up with the ‘I always knew you’d have one’ bollocks from everyone which I just ignore as it’s absolutely pointless saying well I don’t know how you knew, because I didn’t know!
People are idiots, as much as we love them.
Just enjoy your life and ignore them. It’s totally your choice.

Oh, the other trope that gets lobbed at childfree people is that we all spend our times island hopping round the Caribbean on endless holidays, cocktails in one hand, fuckbuddy du jour in the other, living feckless, meaningless existences of wasted money and irresponsibility.

This!!!!! And the whole 'career woman' comments. Used as a way to look down at me. It's tiresome.

Someone else asked about what's wrong with having more than 2 children. I'm with another poster in that I don't think people should have more than 2 children (not that I say that out loud) primarily because of the environment and what kind of planet will they be bringing all these children into- thinking of their futures as much as anything.

You see it on threads on here when people make the same observation- it touches a nerve and then they respond with 'but we recycle and don't fly much' as if it's the same.

I do understand it must be monotonous having to answer the same question and if people are rude they have every right to a sharp answer. I feel like a lot of the answers on here are coming from a place of hurt and anger which I do find a bit shortsighted considering you choose not to have children. You are happy with your choice so why not talk openly about your reasons? Everyone is a nosey, thick, ignoramus who couldn’t possibly fathom the choices you have made. So why not educate these limited people? Why not have a conversation so it becomes a normal situation with no mystery. I have a few child free people in my family, none of them have ever been in the least bit shy of explaining why. I always thought it was because they were confident and happy in their choices. Most people have something in their lives that takes a bit of explanation but you do explain because you want to enlarge people’s ideas of the societal norm. For the last few years every time I tell someone I’m Jewish I am asked if I’ve been to Israel, when I say no they ask why. This is a boring and personal conversation but I try to answer all their questions because I want people to understand my life if they have an interest in it, rather than make their own assumptions. I suppose this is a personal point of view, I just don’t see the harm in answering the questions.

OP in my culture you will always remain a girl until your married and then the 'you can only become a true woman when you have a baby' starts. I got to the point where one individual who was like a dog with a bone, ended up being on the receiving end of - 'would you keep asking someone if you knew they couldn't have kids?'

OP I've had the same. A young female colleague even said 'women are here for one purpose, to have children'. I was so shocked, she's not religious so I don't understand how she came to that conclusion!!! That thinking also hurts people that are infertile.
If people ask if i have kids I just reply no and if they press further I explain that my uterus is purely for decoration, not for storage. It shuts them up.

@StarShapedWindow it's no ones business and it isn't OP's job to 'educate' people!

Very rude of them. I think some people can't get their head around the fact that you love working with children but don't want your own children. There are a lot of people who love their own children but don't like 'other people's children'.

Others love spoiling their nieces and nephews and being the fun auntie without the responsibility of raising their own children.

Others don't like children at all.

Either way, it has nothing to do with any one else, apart from you and your DP.

Well, you can’t complain about ignorance in society if you’re not willing to educate.

I understand why this hurts and anyone saying this is incredibly rude.

I would just say though, that no matter what you do you'll get people's hurtful and unwanted opinions. Ive got kids and Ive had the following:

1. When pregnant strangers would ask me in the supermarket if i planned to breastfeed. yes, STRANGERS! its none of their damn business

1. If you go back to work after having kids you clearly dont care about them and are happy to let strangers bring them up. If you dont go back to work and are a SAHM then you're lazy and sit on the sofa all day eating bon bons.

1. Ive got 2 boys, I get told all the time "aw such a shame you didnt have a girl- maybe next time?" I dont want a girl, I'm perfect happy with my two lovely boys thanks

1. If you have an only child you get comments about that- how lonely they'll be etc, if you have too many kids you get comments about how you dont care about the environment.

So, what I'm saying is, you have to learn to really not give a shit about anyone else's opinions because I'm telling you- no matter what you do, some busybody will want to comment on it.