To feel upset by casual comments about my choice to remain childfree?

[Syrinx89]

I love my friends and family, and I love my friends' children. I work with kids and for the most part, feel very privileged to do so and have a great relationship with many of them. However, I'm 85% sure I don't want children myself. As I'm now in my early 30s, I feel that more and more of my friend and family are throwing unwanted comments and opinions at me about mine and DP's future. One very close member of family even turned to me and said 'But you were put on this earth to have children'! This made me cry, and I still feel so sad thinking about how it made me feel - like there's something wrong with me or a missing 'gene' stopping me from feeling a motherly urge like everyone else my age.

I'm sure I'm not the only one out there...? Sorry for rambling!

Your choice about what you want to do with your body regarding having kids or not is just as relevant as anyone else's. It is incredibly rude of someone to criticise your life decisions because they are different to theirs.

I have a number of child free friends and their lives are no less worthy and no less fulfilled than the lives of my friends with kids.

There is immense societal pressure regarding bearing children. Women are clearly still seen as vessels by many rather than actual sentient human beings in their own right. SAR302 is right no matter what we do we seem to be roundly criticised.

I tell people (who are capable of understanding analogies) that me having children would be as life changing as having an actual sex change and not something to casually suggest people do.

MIL constantly dropped the when are you having kids?' ' how many kids do you think you'll have? '
My own mother then called me selfish when I only had one(at the time due to r'ship break up and not wanting to rush having more DC with new DP)
Having kids is such a huge responsibility and a constant worry tbh and people ask you about babies but really couldn't care less when that baby becomes a teenager!!

how the fuck is it seflish not have a child

im the same as you now mid forties and the comments have now stopped thank god-its noones fucking business what you do with your body

you werent put here to do anything but live your life the way you want

Having kids isn't for everyone

Live your life and make your decisions

No one had the right to judge your life decisions

It’s really hard to say “mind your own f*cking business” to friends and family in a polite way. If anyone knows how please do share.

Some people are so bloody rude @Syrinx89! My best friend of hundreds of years doesn’t want children, I have never discussed it with her unless she brings it up and then I tread carefully because other people’s lives aren’t my business! If it helps I want children and we’re probably a year off TTC and I’m suddenly absolutely bricking it about whether I’m making the right decision even though I know I won’t not want to have them, so it’s the flip side of the coin. Do not let other people upset you because of their insensitive rudeness. There’s absolutely nothing “missing” from you.

People are assholes. For some reason, being childfree is seen as a threat by some people, as if your choice not to have children somehow reflects they made a poor decision by having children. I don’t know why they think this, but I’ve had loads of people justifying their choice of having children the moment they hear me say I don’t have them. It’s fascinating.

Anyway, comments only stopped for me when I “announced” our never-getting-pregnant status by sharing a photo of the letter from the GP that confirmed OH had no swimmers following his vasectomy.

I read recently that 1 in 5 women, of childbearing age, are childfree in the UK. (This may have included the childless who would prefer to have, I'm not sure on the entire basis of their stats). Anyway you are definitely not alone!
I agree that whatever we do, if it doesn't match the audience expectations we are roundly judged. I have one DC, this is also apparently "selfish" and I'm raising the next mass murderer/misfit/narcissist by not giving him a sin, yes I KNOW there have been discussions and comments behind my back but I have developed a "kill them stone cold" stare and massive resting Medusa face that means I don't have to be faced with them. Highly recommend it OP.

Sibling not sin!! Bloody phone.

I've had this all my adult life. I was, on one occasion, exceptionally rude and offensive to someone who was spouting this shit. I had never even met her before and she felt entitled to make deeply personal comments.

Anyway, I am now 3 weeks post hysterectomy. That's shut the fuckers up!

(Well not really, one distant relation has already asked if I'm depressed because I cant now have kids...Luckily they said it to my aunt and not to me. She put them straight!)

I am now in my late forties and have chosen from very young (20ish) not to have children (but got married which sent the caring family into overdrive in my 30s). I suffered and suffer the random questions about children or lack of.

Currently I receive "what age are your children" which I just reply "I do not have children" and leave it at that. I regularly interact with children, non-parents and parents and have been extremely brief in my replies especially the more probing the questions get (especially from family), "are you planning on children" - "not currently" (been saying this for 25 years now)

I realise a lot of the questions come from: what else can we talk to you about and are not really quizzing me. I have got very good at diversion replies:
"no kids, do you like these curtains"
"not mine, aren't those shoes cute?" (when supervising others children)
"no plans to have children, are you going on holiday this summer?"
My personal favourite is "you would make a great mother" to which I tend to reply "my sisters are great mothers and mum was fab so maybe that would carry over" and again, divert divert divert. I learnt in reality they aren't actually that interested in me (and my reasons or experiences about not having children) they just feel they have to chat about something... just my experience. Some of my friends who are childfree are not childfree by choice so I am very sensitive to this and aware it may not have been a choice for some folk and they are very hurt by those who "could but don't" so I tend not to mention I have never tried...

All this goes out the window after a lot of wines with good friends but thats a whole different story :-)

I didn’t want kids for a long time and then I did. And while I love them with all my soul, it’s absolutely fucking brutal a lot of the time (not a typical experience - twins, disabilities etc).

This isn’t me saying you’ll change your mind - this is me saying that while being a mother is wonderful, so are other things and if you aren’t 100% onboard with having them, don’t have them! Fuck what anyone else thinks.

@Chesntoots, unfortunately it still won't shut them up. I had a "delightful" friend say to me after my hysterectomy " Don't you wish had children earlier, then? " I have never wanted children but still I felt that was incredibly hurtful.

Now, if people who don't know my situation, ( only very close family and friends do), ask why, my response is "Oh, how rude of you to ask about my sex life!" Shuts them up pretty quick!

YANBU but unfortunately you need to get used to it. I’ve had people be so rude about my choice to be childfree from calling me selfish all the way up to rape threats.

Just tell them to shut their gobs. Nobody’s business but yours!

@Katzia, you're right. It's funny though that the only people to comment have been either total strangers or people that don't know me very well, never family.

YANBU, op. People are just rude shits. And you can't do right for doing wrong.
People kept saying I needed to hurry up and havd a baby, despite the fact I had a miscarriage and also have a condition that halved my odds of pregnancy.

If you don't want kids, you don't have to have them. I know somebody that had kids just because it was the done thing, but she didn't really want them. She now imagines what life would be like without her very young school age kids. It is sad.

As other posters have said, there are always things women of childbearing age will be criticized for, whether you have children or not. The trick is not to care what other people think. With age, I think we all naturally gain a thicker skin which helps.

Something I've noticed on these posts from those wanting to remain childfree is that they're often written by women who work with children! Is it because your jobs mean you understand the difficulties motherhood would entail?

Fwiw I think sometimes women use kids as a possible common ground, because we all have a uterus (whether they bear children is a different story...) and don't think outside of the small talk

E.g. somebody telling me to have a baby asap as it will be the best thing I ever do, a week after I had miscarried
And
MIL telling me I definitely will have another child even though I have a condition that means that may not actually happen, we will see. I reminded her of this and she said 'no, you will'. I love the certainty but let's just wait and see, shall we? I'm blessed with the one I do have.

Such disregard for feelings in the name of small talk.

You’re not being unreasonable, and others are being inappropriate to make your decision their business.

Try responding “do you prefer anal or vaginal penetration?” or “when did you last have sex?” and then when folk splutter smile sweetly and say “oh sorry, I thought from your questions that we were ok with discussing how we prefer to use our reproductive systems, but your reaction implies that actually that choice is nobody else’s fucking business . Interesting.”

When they say "you'll change your mind", ask them what they will do with their children when they change theirs. They'll inevitably ask what you mean and you can reply with something along the lines of "if you think that I'm suddenly going to change my mind about kids at the age of 36*, why wouldnt you change yours? I can always have them if I change mine, you're lumbered with yours if you do"

Hi everyone. Just having my morning coffee and reading through all the replies. I would just like to say thank you all so much - this has to be one of the most supportive threads I've seen on here!

I'm going to take all of your advice on board, stay as polite as possible and stick to the brief answers as I really can't be bothered to offend them back unless absolutely necessary (I love your response though @Verbena87 )! It might be necessary one day though... Ha ha.

Re the question about how a lot of childfree women seen to work with kids - this is an interesting coincidence! I've been in my field for 8 years now, and work one to one with children from the age of 5 to 18. Some are wonderful; some are frankly little shites. I often wonder what goes on at home and how hard it must be for the parents (of said shites), but then also wonder whether they could perhaps do no wrong to their parents?! Who knows. Either way, I am always glad to hand them back, get home and enjoy my peaceful house and evenings to myself and DP. Perhaps that is selfish, but not a reason to suddenly decide to breed conform to what is the "done thing"!

@Winterwoollies Sending you lots of good luck and hugs - only you know what's right for you and make sure you surround yourself with the nicest of people!

People will feel that they can make comments and judge whatever you do, so it's important to do what will make you happy! Absolutely nought wrong with wanting to remain childfree, people don't tend to ask people who do have children why they made that decision, or to justify it. Even if you have them, if you have one people constantly ask if you're having another as it's selfish otherwise, have too many though and that's wrong as well.