to really, REALLY regret changing my surname?

[BoldRoo]

I was quite young when I married and changed my surname without giving it much consideration. Now, ten years later, I really regret it, for a number of reasons.

1. No family links (I have no middle names either).
2. Our surname is awful. Thought I’d get used to it, never have. It’s got a rude word as part of it (think Cockshoot, Dickman type name).
3. I hate seeing it on documents and still hate writing it myself.
4. I’m worried our children will be teased at school for it (husband denies it has ever happened to him, I don’t believe him). They’re still too young to know their surnames so that doesn’t matter.

So, I’ve suggested to husband that I change surname, and that our children also change to be the same as mine, and that he can adopt our new surname as a middle name/double barrelled name with his original surname (he refuses to change it outright). He’s being moody about it but says I can. But he’ll definitely guilt trip me about it. So, am I being unreasonable to seriously consider doing this?

I didn't particularly like my maiden name and at the time was glad to take my DH's surname. Both surnames are always mis-spelt anyway, but DH's looked slightly nicer. And it was the 'done thing' back then to take a married name.

But now, I miss the loss of my identity. My identity is now based upon my husband (if you see what I mean). His is a foreign surname and sooooo many people ask me where it comes from; do I speak the language; have I ever been there etc etc (given that DH was born in London and has never been to his father's birth country either...) And the older I get, the more I miss the history to my maiden surname - it has a link to an historical event. But of course nobody knows that. Also, the name is going to die out in my family, which is sad.

Surely 10 years ago you must have thought bloody hell, my kids will get teased if they ever have this as a surname?

If so, you should have gone double-barrelled.
If not, you were very naiive...

This thread is really making me laugh. For the record, when I got married I kept my name, and then had kids with my name too. DH couldn’t have cared less, but some friends/family were genuinely shocked.

Yours Fanny Wang-Banger.

Why on earth are so many people going on about double-barrelling?! For most surnames, it's a fair and sensible solution, but when one surname is terrible, you just pick the other surname! Double barrelling doesn't help at all because the terrible name is still there, just with another name stuck to it to make it sound even worse!

I used to work with a girl called Trebilcock. She pronounced it "Tre-bill-coh" and apparently it's traditionally Cornish. Didn't stop comments about her multiple genitalia though.

Agree with everyone else - you can change your name. No issues there. But you need your husband's agreement to change the children's.

YANBU to change yours, YANBU to insist on double barrelled for the kids, YABU to insist on getting rid of his surname for the kids. Neither me nor my DH wnated to change our names, we couldn't decide on one or other name for our DD so we went double barrelled. Supposedly it's also helpful when taking children abroad if you have same surname as your child, so double-barrelled also has this advantage for both parents.

"Neither me nor my DH wnated to change our names, we couldn't decide on one or other name for our DD so we went double barrelled."

Do you or your DH have a surname which includes a swear word and makes people snigger?

Nah, didn't think so.

I work with a C Mycock. The poor cow.

Why on earth are we still expected to do this as women? And change our title to Mrs when male marital status is not revealed by their title? I feel incredible strongly about this- I kept my family name and am a Ms. Our ds has my surname as his middle name. I do really regret not insisting on double barrelled. When we got married I suggested my dh changed his name to mine or that we double barrelled but he refused even though his surname is my first name (spelt exactly the same) with an s on the end and would be a ridiculous name for me to have. Women are not defined by their marital status these days so neither should their names! I still get people saying to me "So what IS your name then?" To which I reply "Flylilly" and when asked why I say "Stuff the patriarchy" or something less polite.

We’re not expected to do this, op voluntarily changed her name to one she’s too embarrassed to pass onto her children 🤷🏻‍♀️

I kept my surname and my daughters have my surname too, despite the marriage to their dad currently at 22 years' duration. My girls are perfectly happy and so is husband. Please avoid double barrelled....what would your kids call their kids (especially if they marry a double barrelled partner!!!) Us girls can pass on names too!!!

YANBU. Go for it! Your children will thank you for it one day. Great idea for your husband to incorporate it as an extra name too. The sooner you do it the longer you’ll enjoy your new peace of mind.

I’ve put up with a name that I hate for years

You chose it in the first place!!

Do you or your DH have a surname which includes a swear word and makes people snigger?

I actually don't think the reason why the OP dislikes her husband's name is relevant. Ultimately, there are two of them, they are both the children's parents, and one of them likes the name and one of them does not. They have to find a compromise. The OP can't just say that her reasons for disliking the name are more important than the DH's reasons for liking it. Their perspectives are equally valid imho.

Glad you've come to an agreement OP.

I used to work with a Mrs Glasscock. I did take DH's name - and would have even if we hadn't got married - but that's a name I wouldn't have taken! We also have a friend called (Mr) Pratt. Funnily enough when he got married they all took her name.

Change yours, but you can't force your DH to change his. Leave the kids to change theirs when they are older and to make that decision.

I never changed my name when I married, not because I didn't like his (although it is unusual) but I felt (still think) it's unfair of society to expect me as a woman to loose my identity simply because I get married. I've never ever regretted it. He wasn't happy about it but I said I wouldn't get married if I was expected too and he could change his if he felt that strongly (I just don't like the whole double barrelled thing - just feels too middle class for me). His family weren't happy either.
My DC has his name mind but I'd be disappointed if she changed her name if she got married.

YANBU. I'm in the other side. I happily changed my name on marriage, despite being a feminist, because I'd had the mick taken so much about my surname. I was very happy to ditch it and definitely didn't want to pass it on.

Our surnames also wouldn't have worked double-barrelled or blended as they could be related items. Think Mrs Apple-Tree.

I know you said you won’t tell us the name, OP, but I’m dying to know what it is!

I used to work in a bank and received a deed poll document from a man changing his name from Mr Gay to Mr Gray

I really wish people would bother to read the full thread, and stop trying to be argumentative by raising points that either myself or other posters have already addressed. I’m not going to keep on repeating myself, except on this one point - I’m not forcing anything. I’m entitled to feel unhappy about something, and I’m entitled to discuss it with my husband to see if it can be resolved. He wasn’t overly happy about it at first, but I spoke to him about it again today and he was much more chilled about it and just said “yeah no worries, just give me the forms to sign when you’ve sorted it. Want to go to the pub for lunch this Sunday?” and got back to cooking dinner, so there’s no drama here, despite some of you being desperate for some!

Thank you to the posters who have actually bothered to be constructive and helpful and not just rude.

For those of you who haven’t been quite as helpful, I’m sure you have all made perfect decisions in your lives, 100% of the time, and have no cause to regret or rethink anything. Must be wonderful to be so perfect.

We really need to get rid of the term 'maiden' name. It suggests that a female's name is temporary.

@allthedamnvampires
It is how it is. My 3 older children have all done exactly that. They all used my maiden name throughout primary and secondary school. The only time they used their registered surnames was GP/Hospital and in college. (Anything basically which would link to their birth name)
Many children use an alternative name to their official one to keep safe, to avoid bullying just to mention a couple.
Once thx child is approaching 16, they can decide whether or not to revert to their official name, pick a new name or continue using the name they have been.

@Ozziewozzie I'm sure your anecdotal experience trumps the law as set down by the courts.

@Flylilly I am curious what the names are. I had a friend who married a man with the same name as his surname as her first name but both spelt in a different way. Fortunately she has a less frustrating surname now as remarried.