to really, REALLY regret changing my surname?

[BoldRoo]

I was quite young when I married and changed my surname without giving it much consideration. Now, ten years later, I really regret it, for a number of reasons.

1. No family links (I have no middle names either).
2. Our surname is awful. Thought I’d get used to it, never have. It’s got a rude word as part of it (think Cockshoot, Dickman type name).
3. I hate seeing it on documents and still hate writing it myself.
4. I’m worried our children will be teased at school for it (husband denies it has ever happened to him, I don’t believe him). They’re still too young to know their surnames so that doesn’t matter.

So, I’ve suggested to husband that I change surname, and that our children also change to be the same as mine, and that he can adopt our new surname as a middle name/double barrelled name with his original surname (he refuses to change it outright). He’s being moody about it but says I can. But he’ll definitely guilt trip me about it. So, am I being unreasonable to seriously consider doing this?

Not on there @FATEdestiny

@RhodaCamel & OP:
Change your name back!

Anyone who is unhappy with your choice can go get some therapy.

Women are expected to change theirs without hesitation... it's only men, because they've never had to contemplate that they are expected to sacrifice a part of their name and identity who fee so strongly against it.

Why should we take their ugly name?

I feel the same - mine is not an embarrassing name but when I married 21 years ago, I never even considered not doing the conventional thing and taking his name and now I really regret it. My brother didn't have kids so my dads name, my single name, which was way nicer, is gone.
Do it - esp if its an embracing name.

I knew someone with the surname Wankmeyer when I was a teenager and she had a bloody awful time at school. She changed it at 18 I believe! I'm voting for changing yours and your children's names, OP.

I thought I'd just add a point about double-barrelled surnames, which is what we went for. If the combination of names results in something unusual or even unique, it will make your children very searchable online. I really regret doing it for my children now, as pretty much everything they ever do will be very visible to anyone who cares to look for them. The internet was in its infancy when mine were born, so it was the least of my concerns but it would be a clear consideration now.

We also considered all changing to something new and neutral, and I greatly wish we'd done that. There are family names from way back we could have chosen (that we could have saved from dying out) or random names we liked. We only didn't because MIL thought it was stupid (which carries a lot less weight now than it did at the time).

YANBU anyway.

God. I've got a "rude" surname....if other kids are going to take the piss out of you then they'll find something. How you deal with it is the issue. Don't change their name!

Wish I still used my own name but when we got married it wasnt the done thing. I use my name now for ordering online, emails, etc. My name was a little unique and nice sounding. Dh name sounds short and harsh. I still cant sign it as smoothly as I can my own name - even after 30 yrs its odd

The best thing I ever did was keep my name and give the DC’s my name. Change yours and hyphenate both last names

Been married 40+ years and still hate my married name and don't like using it. It's not weird, but I have to spell it always. Altho I also had to spell my maiden name, it didn't bother me .

Also, never really liked my FIL, so wasn't thrilled to have his surname - and then we found out, after we'd been married for over 30 years, that it wasn't even his correct surname! FIL's mum had an affair and his birth-dad had a normal surname, but she gave him the surname of her other children!

So, I REALLY don't like my surname even more now! DH and I have both spoken about changing it, but we have kids and it all got too much - even now, when someone uses my surname, I cringe..

I'm not much help

Ah yes, the cringe when someone says your name, I’m well familiar with that. I never gave much thought to surnames before I had one that I hated, but if I had my time again I would give it much, much more thought before changing! I still can’t sign my married name properly either, it doesn’t flow at all. I’ve even tried writing it in calligraphy and it still looks bloody ugly

Change yours but you shouldn't change your childrens. And I do feel sorry for DH tbh. How do you think he feels when you are being so dismissive of his name?

Agree!

YABU

Just how bad can the name be ? Cuntface? Scrotumbrain? Mind boggles!

You're that Fanny Chmelar off The Chase aren't you?

My DM's maiden surname was embarrassing, she got teased at school for it, and her DB's fiancé refused to marry him unless he changed his name, so I do understand there are names that can cause issues for people. I am now stuck with having to answer her maiden name as a security question commonly asked by banks etc and often hear sniggering when I say it.

Dh regrets not taking my name.
I regret changing it.

We will have been married 20 years soon. We are planning to both change to my maiden name. If we make it another 20 years then perhaps we could change back.

Change it! Life is tough enough without going through it hearing 'comments' or snickers about one's name.

I disliked my maiden name because when I was young men who were arseholes would leer and say "Oooh, and are you?". Now I'm older, the leering has stopped and I wouldn't mind having it back.

I know a family of Wankers!

They have Wanker in their name! Why oh why oh why would you not change it!! Poor kids .

Definitely insist on going double barrel with the children.

We will have been married 20 years soon. We are planning to both change to my maiden name. If we make it another 20 years then perhaps we could change back.

Sorry, what??

How do you think he feels when you are being so dismissive of his name?

Maybe the same way countless untold women have felt when their husbands were so dismissive of their name?

But this is a good point. Obviously it is far more important that a man doesn't have his feelings hurt than children are mocked for having a crap name when they could have their mother's perfectly good one.

Now, the only reservation I have is if one of those children is male. Then the male feelings priority (mfp for short) might be in play for that child. But still the adult male and his feelings are generally WAY more important than a woman or girl (goes without saying really) but on consideration more important than a male child too - that child will matter once he becomes the full adult male with important feelings.

@EagleVisionSquirrelWork my lastname is unique anyway and everyone who has my lastname is a relation. We are all individually searchable online due to the combination of our firstnames and lastnames being unique. So double-barrelling my DC makes little difference.

Funny thing one company interviewing me who searched me online didn't realise I would know how unique my name is, and then proceeded then mix me up with someone else with a completely different name as they couldn't believe there was so little info on me.

Even if your lastname isn't unique if you end up in the press or are a crook certain things people know about you mean you can't hide.

@Brissiegirl did you get married before 1970?

@pallisers love your post.

I kept my maiden name because I quite simply wasn’t the other name (which I used for a little bit but never changed my passport). I used to think I would mind having a different name to my dc, but I really don’t.

Divorced now so even gladder I kept my name.

I can understand your reasoning but I can also totally understand why your DH is upset and moody about this, especially as you married young.

Most men would feel very insecure about their wife suddenly wanting to ditch their married name and change the DC name to her name only. Rightly or wrongly he’s likely to feel it’s symptomatic of other, more worrying feelings you have about the marriage. It will feel like a rejection of him, not just a rejection of his name.

I think he might take it better if you revert to your name and double barrel the DCs.