to really, REALLY regret changing my surname?

[BoldRoo]

I was quite young when I married and changed my surname without giving it much consideration. Now, ten years later, I really regret it, for a number of reasons.

1. No family links (I have no middle names either).
2. Our surname is awful. Thought I’d get used to it, never have. It’s got a rude word as part of it (think Cockshoot, Dickman type name).
3. I hate seeing it on documents and still hate writing it myself.
4. I’m worried our children will be teased at school for it (husband denies it has ever happened to him, I don’t believe him). They’re still too young to know their surnames so that doesn’t matter.

So, I’ve suggested to husband that I change surname, and that our children also change to be the same as mine, and that he can adopt our new surname as a middle name/double barrelled name with his original surname (he refuses to change it outright). He’s being moody about it but says I can. But he’ll definitely guilt trip me about it. So, am I being unreasonable to seriously consider doing this?

Is it Sidebottom? (Nosey)

I'd change it if I didn't like it. And double barrel the kids names. Don't see why your name shouldn't be on there too. Then kids have a choice.

@katy1213 If he is on the children's birth certificates then she absolutely DOES need his permission I'm afraid

I'm going completely against the grain here and can understand why he is upset about this. His wife is now changing her and their kids name to her name. If that doesn't scream of separation and rejection... It's also going to create a lot of gossip about their relationship. I can see why he is not happy.

Yes, it’s a little different to not having changed in the first place, I agree. It’s a bit of a Statement.

Is it 'Fucknuts'? I feel your pain....

@BoldRoo I'm not saying this to burst your bubble or anything, I just want to ensure you're fully aware that properly changing your name isn't as easy as a deed poll. I did some research...

I'm happy to be corrected if any lawyers are on here and I've got any of this wrong but I'm pretty certain, that to actually fully change your name, you need to be added on to the official name change register and it needs to be done by a Solicitor (unless done via Marriage, as you know already)... This costs a LOT of money!

Apparently Deed Polls, whilst being accepted by most agencies such as DVLA, they're actually not considered a legal document by all government agencies/companies. They're often refused by the Passport Office and aren't usually worth the paper they're written on.

I was going to change my surname to match my daughter's surname (her Dad's and he is no longer with us, sadly; and I get questioned everywhere I go. It's unbelievably causing issues at school too! 🤦🏼‍♀️) but after researching it to death, I decided it wasn't worth it!

Good luck either way

Not helpful but I know a family that legally change their name from Longbottom to Lawson as theyd had enough of the pisstakes

scream of separation and rejection
It's also going to create a lot of gossip about their relationship

Christ, some people on here are drama queens. If this is the sort of thing you’d gossip about, then you’d be a pretty shitty friend/relative to have anyway, I’d be ditching you pronto and, quite frankly, you need to get a fucking life.

Guess what - husband and I have NEVER acknowledged each other on social media and don’t post about our life together OR our children either. Does that scream of separation and rejection too?

Or maybe, just maybe...you could consider the fact that we don’t have to justify or inform other people about our lives or choices, because it’s none of their business? It’s a revelation, I know.

After all, if I cared what friends or family might say about it, I probably would have sought out their personal opinions. Instead, I put it to an anonymous vote, whether I was justified in feeling the way I do about the name, and about taking action on it. Just because I was curious about whether or not I was being fair and I wanted to make sure I had considered it from all angles - not because I care about the opinion of gossips. The overwhelming majority say that IANBU, so

I’m sorry that DH came round to the idea much quicker than I expected or gave him credit for, and ruined some posters desire for drama. We’re obviously a disappointment

The name is....Mrs Cockshitfuckcuntarsetitsfanjowankbadger. See why it’s too long to double barrel now?

Is it a cock name? Embrace it, tell your kids to laugh along with their peers. A memorable surname will make them unforgettable. It's ace

Do you really think that if a friend of yours changed her and her children names back to her maiden name, you wouldn’t think it was odd? Of course it is odd. And people gossip. It’s part of life.
I can see why your husband isn’t happy with the idea, you are distancing yourself and your children from him.

And your aggressive defensive behaviour suggests you know it too..

or is AIBU only for those that agree with you?

Change it!

Fucking hell @LochJessMonster, projecting much!? I can guarantee that my husband does not feel that myself or our children are distanced from him, probably because currently we’re all snuggled up together co-sleeping in our bed I think distance is probably something he dreams wistfully about! And if you’d bother to RTFT, I think it’s pretty evident that his sense of pride kicked in at first but he’s since realised that it’s actually okay, not that big a deal and that my feelings matter too. Cos that’s how it should be, right? Last time I checked, society was striving for equality.

And no, not everyone gossips. I don’t gossip, because if it doesn’t affect me and no one has asked my opinion, it’s not my business. You should try it sometime.

If I knew that my friend had a name that wasn’t a great one, and she’d changed it to a nicer one, no, I wouldn’t find it odd. I’d think “good for her”. But I believe that people are allowed to evolve and change, and as long as you’re happy and not hurting anyone, it’s fine to do what’s right for you.

But I’ve just checked with my husband as you’re obviously so concerned for his hurt feelings and he says he’s fine, but I owe him a big dirty Chinese told you he’d guilt trip me! Sorry to burst your bubble though!

And I don’t mind you disagreeing at all @LochJessMonster. Plenty of others in this thread have and I’ve taken their views on board. I do, however, object to you projecting nonsense statements about how people will think we’re on the verge of complete breakdown because we changed a name. Not everyone has to be quite so dramatic and ridiculous, and if they are, I couldn’t care less what they think anyway.

I also don’t think it’s helpful for anyone who might search and read this thread in the future when considering whether they should keep or change their name. Mindless gossip and unwelcome opinions shouldn’t come into it and people shouldn’t be made to fear that.

As a former child of a rude surname, please change yous DC's name. They will thank you. I was horrendousky bullied at school because of my name and was delighted to change my surname when I married.

Change it.
Of course people take the piss if you have a rude surname.
You might not want to believe it but they do.

Yes, you can give your child any surname you like when you register the birth.

I can see why your husband isn’t happy with the idea, you are distancing yourself and your children from him.

the same way he distanced himself and his children from HER when he gave them all his name?

Do people really think this man is some fragile piece of fluff who is going to be emotionally traumatised by the realisation that his name sucks (despite the fact that he must have known his name sucked for years) and his kids would be better off without it? Come on - surely he is stronger than that. The way some MNers think about men is depressing - such low expectations.

Do you really think that if a friend of yours changed her and her children names back to her maiden name, you wouldn’t think it was odd? Of course it is odd. And people gossip. It’s part of life.

Well if the name was Wankum or Sidebottom or whatever I'd be thinking it was odd it took my friend so long.

Will anyone else even realise you've changed your name? I doubt it. I call my married friends by their maiden names and probably will til we die.

You could always merge your names. Eg you're Grayson and he's Dicksplash. You could become Mrs Greysplash.

Great that he has agreed and of course if it could lead to bullying it's fine to change. I was bullied for my maiden name and even though I cannot stand my exH will keep my name rather than go back. Any name with cock, dick, bottom, spotty or similar are hard to live with as a child!

Do people really think this man is some fragile piece of fluff who is going to be emotionally traumatised

It would seem so, @pallisers I’ve told DH that some posters think he’s a delicate little flower, I think he’s much more put out about that than me changing my name.