to really, REALLY regret changing my surname?

[BoldRoo]

I was quite young when I married and changed my surname without giving it much consideration. Now, ten years later, I really regret it, for a number of reasons.

1. No family links (I have no middle names either).
2. Our surname is awful. Thought I’d get used to it, never have. It’s got a rude word as part of it (think Cockshoot, Dickman type name).
3. I hate seeing it on documents and still hate writing it myself.
4. I’m worried our children will be teased at school for it (husband denies it has ever happened to him, I don’t believe him). They’re still too young to know their surnames so that doesn’t matter.

So, I’ve suggested to husband that I change surname, and that our children also change to be the same as mine, and that he can adopt our new surname as a middle name/double barrelled name with his original surname (he refuses to change it outright). He’s being moody about it but says I can. But he’ll definitely guilt trip me about it. So, am I being unreasonable to seriously consider doing this?

Will anyone else even realise you've changed your name?

I doubt it too @DressingGownofDoom, neither of us use our real names on social media so lots of people don’t even know our current surname, both of us are on first name terms with most of our work contacts and surnames rarely mentioned, DC do not attend nursery or anywhere else where their details are registered. I would need to do official documents such as driving licence and passport for myself after changing, but for DC it would just be the actual deed documents, then changing their GP records I think. They don’t have passports or bank accounts yet anyway, their savings are in my ISA at the moment until I get round to setting one up for them. So it would just be family really.

YANBU OP. I never liked exH's name but being young and him being affronted at the idea of me not taking his name, I took it. DCs now have it. It's mispronounced ALL the time even though it shouldn't be.

First thing I did when we split was go back to my birth name. I wanted to double barrel the DCs but he was being a nob about it so I didn't waste my energy persuing it plus the 2 names don't really go together. I wish I'd never changed it and given DCs my name rather than saddle them with one that has to be spelled out and corrected forever.

I'm with someone else now and we have discussed the potential future of marriage and namechanging. He would like us to have the same name but it doesn't have to mean me taking his, he wouldn't be averse to taking mine or us coming up with a new name completely. Some men are so bloody precious that a woman should have their name.

I went to school with a girl who was teased relentlessly for her surname - Shufflebottom. I would avoid a surname like that if st all possible! Awful!

Had a crap surname growing up.

Not rude but an item name.
Was always getting the piss ripped out of me and I hated it.
I also as a young adult got a lot of comments from random people about it
When I had my firstborn she had my maiden name like me as we were on our own and did it want different names but when I got married we asked her if she would like to also change her surname along with me for two reasons
One was because I would be having more dc and wanted them all to have the same name as I don't believe in half or step siblings and two because I knew how much grief I got for my name growing up.

She jumped at the chance and we went through the channels and changed it by deed poll.

@marblesgoing 'I don't believe in half or step siblings'.

Say what now?

I don't believe in half siblings either. Whilst my brother as a different Dad to me. He is my brother. To me the half devalues him.

Ah I see!

Others may have different thoughts/feelings about their half siblings, which is fine too.

Don't get pissy with me, you asked for opinions, I gave mine.
And it looks like 1/3 of people agree.

Changing everyone's name will lead to questions and rumours. Its a fact of life. Of course they might not be true, and if it doesn't bother you then fine, but it is the first thought that will come into peoples minds.
I doubt many people would be ok with their husband changing his and their children's names to something different.

Plus MN is full of threads about how having a different surname to your children can cause difficulties.

LochJessMonster I agree there are loads of potential pitfalls and ultimately if a man came on here saying he was going to do this against the wishes of his partner there would be uproar.

So much for being a unit.

The children can change it when they are older. It obviously didn't bother their Dad!

I'm pretty certain, that to actually fully change your name, you need to be added on to the official name change register and it needs to be done by a Solicitor (unless done via Marriage, as you know already)... This costs a LOT of money

Not true. Just a deed poll. I have done it. I really don't know what research you did to reach these conclusions as they're not at all true.

My sister married a woman so no "traditional" name changing, as both my sister and her wife had unusual surnames that you have to spell all the time they agreed on a completely new one together. I thought this was lovely as the name has a special significance to them rather than one you just inherited from your father or FIL.

My Dh worked with a man whose last name was either Shufflebottom or Longbottom. When he was getting married he and his wife agreed that it was a terrible surname, he had suffered a lot of abuse in school and still had people giggle at it when booking hotel rooms etc so they changed their name to a city that they loved.

If someone told me that they were changing their surname from something like Longbottom or Mycock, then I wouldn't bat an eyelid. I wouldn't think they were getting a divorce unless they told me they were getting a divorce. I also think your husband is lying about no-one taking the piss out of his name at secondary school.

Op late to the thread but yanbu, and good on your dh for doing what is best for the dc and not just worrying about his male pride.

I'm not sure why people are always so worried about how men feel about surnames, but not how women and children might feel?

I can understand why you ended up just going down the traditional route initially but then later wished you hadn't. There is too much societal pressure on women to automatically give children the fathers surname.

Change it

Esp if it some sort of dick name

@BoldRoo

Can’t believe the daft responses from some of the minority posters here who believe that somehow you will automatically be the focus of gossip if you change your names!

My husband couldn’t care less that my surname is different to his, doesn’t mind whatsoever if our children decide to alter/ change their surname/s in the future. I’m quite certain that our neighbours, friends, community couldn’t care less either and have other better things to worry about!

@LochJessMonster and two thirds agree that it’s not unreasonable. Know who else also now thinks I’m not being unreasonable? My husband.

That’s an overwhelming majority in my book

And I stand by my point, people shouldn’t gossip about stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with them. Find something better to do.

@LochJessMonster

I’m quite certain that our neighbours, friends, community couldn’t care less either and have other better things to worry about!

See? That’s normal.

...... just to add, my husband constantly rolls his eyes at people trying to pronounce his surname in ways to avoid saying the part at the end which sounds a bit rude! He’s shortened his surname years ago for business for this reason.

Can’t believe the daft responses from some of the minority posters

@TheCakeCrusader I know, I’m astounded by the number of posters who also seem to be unable to read or process the same points that I have to keep on going over.

Everyone gossips. Its a fact. Those saying that they are certain their neighbours, friends etc wouldn't - its because gossip is done behind your backs. Not even the mostly saintly of MNetters doesn't partake in some gossip.

It doesn't have to be horrible gossip, more of
'did you hear Roo has changed her and the children's surnames back to XX?'
'strange he didn't change his name'
'yes, wonder if there's something going on'
'well at least she isn't 'dickbottom' anymore I suppose'

Sorry LochJess but none of my friends would dream of having a conversation like that because actually, it does sound horrible and we’d be judged for it. I think you’re the one kidding yourself. And we’re not claiming to be saints - just not arseholes

@Friendsofmine
So much for being a unit.

Plenty of families share a name and are a complete mess behind the scenes - cheating, abuse, neglect. Having matching names doesn't make you a better family unit - that’s a ridiculous and outdated notion.

Being a good partner, having a loyal and steady relationship and being a good parent does, however, make you more of a unit. I like to think we tick those boxes, so I’ll let that speak for our reputation.

As you’ve clearly ignored my previous posts, I’m not going against his wishes. He’s never actually said I couldn’t do it, he just got moody and sulky about it. I imagine his male ego took a bit of a kicking. Now he’s had a chance to think about it and actually thinks it’s reasonable. If he really didn’t want me to do it and asked me not to, if it mattered to him that much, I wouldn’t change it.

But he doesn’t mind, and I’m pretty damn sure the DC will thank me for it.

none of my friends would dream of having a conversation like that because actually, it does sound horrible and we’d be judged for it

we’re not claiming to be saints - just not arseholes

@64sNewName perfectly put.