to really, REALLY regret changing my surname?

[BoldRoo]

I was quite young when I married and changed my surname without giving it much consideration. Now, ten years later, I really regret it, for a number of reasons.

1. No family links (I have no middle names either).
2. Our surname is awful. Thought I’d get used to it, never have. It’s got a rude word as part of it (think Cockshoot, Dickman type name).
3. I hate seeing it on documents and still hate writing it myself.
4. I’m worried our children will be teased at school for it (husband denies it has ever happened to him, I don’t believe him). They’re still too young to know their surnames so that doesn’t matter.

So, I’ve suggested to husband that I change surname, and that our children also change to be the same as mine, and that he can adopt our new surname as a middle name/double barrelled name with his original surname (he refuses to change it outright). He’s being moody about it but says I can. But he’ll definitely guilt trip me about it. So, am I being unreasonable to seriously consider doing this?

Ed Balls and Yvette Cooper are married but she kept her name and gave the children it. Better for them.

I’m sure Ed Balls’ name was hilarious to his twelve year old classmates, but has it held him back in life? If we couldn’t take him seriously at any point in his very high profile career it certainly was not because of his name.

No @ColaFreezePop, got married 1985. Why ?

I've had discussions with older women who got married in the 70s and some kept their last names.

This is an interesting thread to me because whenever I see someone called Shitweasel or Wankbadger I always think whyyyyy oh why, didn't their parents give them the other parents name. The answer is apparently "it was expected" Was it though? You married only 10 years ago, not 50. It was 2009! And your children were named in 2018!

I don't mean this to be rude, it's a genuine question - Did it really not occur to you until a year ago that Cockbottom or whatever wasn't a great name?

Change it back asap.

OP change your name and the children’s. Put an end to this silly surname being carried on down your Family line now. It’s easy enough.

Reallybadidea I changed mine too after being married 10 years, didn’t like my married name, was still using my maiden name at work/fb anyway. Wrote my own Deed Poll, got 2 friends to witness it then changed my driving licence first, then used that fir passport.

The children still have DH surname and we are still happily married, it just didn’t feel like me and I didn’t like saying it (suits the children’s names though) 😀🤷‍♀️

If I had an embarrassing name I'd change it in a minute. Rather than change back to my maiden name, I'd just change one letter to remove the embarrassment, ie change Dickman to Dockman , or Cock to Cook.

So glad I ended up with a man who really couldn't care less what his surname is. When I told him I would keep my name and any children would also have my name, he just said he would change too if/when we married. It was a done and dusted conversation in about 5 minutes and he has not quibbled on it since.

@PapayaCoconut

We both regret me changing my name. DH was never keen on it because he doesn’t like the whole concept of women as property. He also really liked my maiden name.
If I was getting married now I wouldn’t change my name.
So we have decided that when it gets to our 20th wedding anniversary we are going to both change our surnames to my maiden name.

Change it back! And change the DCs’ if they agree.

I feel similarly although my married name is innocuous. I toy with the idea of going back to my surname, but can’t be arsed with all the admin! I wouldn’t change the DCs’ surname now as they’re not tiny any more and are used to it.

I unsure if you realise, but children whilst in school can use any surname you inform the school of. You don’t have to change their name legally at all. Let your children decide at 16. I know this because I had to do it.
Although you’re married, you can always revert back to your maiden name.
That way your husband will be happy the kids keep his name and there friends and school will refer to them with your maiden name.

My children used my name throughout the entire of their education, yet I never changed it legally ( as I’d need their fathers permission) .

In the UK it's legal to use the name you want. Without going the formalities. As an adult, anyhow.

Glad you've decided to change it.
This happened to my colleague. She had a beautiful elegant name, then married and became a Cock. And her first name began with A so she was literally A Cock. Then they had three little Cocks. Then her husband cheated on her and they got divorced but wouldn't let her change their children's names and she didn't want to be different to them, so they're still the Cocks.

I didn't change my name to my now exh's when we married. I'm the last to have my maiden name as I only have sisters who changed their names on marriage and I felt attached to my maiden name-I like it and it's who I've always been.
Exh's name was fine but bland-it's one of the most common surnames in the world.

It went down incredibly badly with his family and with him to some degree-there was talk that it was disrespectful. This was in 2004 for heavens sake- I wasn't then much of a feminist really but it really pissed me off that I was expected to lose my identity that way.

When the kids were born exh was meant to register them using my maiden name as a middle name. Apparently he got to the registry office with dd1 and 'forgot'. I was exhausted with a newborn at the time (and hasn't twigged that he would be capable of such shitty behaviour on purpose) and although very upset didn't make half as much fuss as I should have done. When dd2 came along he said it would have been weird to give her my maiden name as a middle and not dd1.

I really wish I'd stuck to my guns and had their names changed to include mine as at least a middle or a double barrel-especially now I'm divorced.

It doesn't matter on a day to day basis but on some level I wish I shared a name with them in some way.

Also dd1 would like my surname better as she reckons it sounds nicer and would be better for the 'gram

Change your name OP. Don't stick with something because your h is sulking. He needs to grow up.
I'd double barrel the kids to be fair-then they can choose more easily later on if they want to drop your h's name in practice even if it's still there legally.

@Ozziewozzie not so. Plenty of considerations involved in changing children's names from publication to exam boards. See this recent queens bench decision:

www.bailii.org/ew/cases/EWHC/QB/2020/279.html

The thing that absolutely JUMPS out at me here is that he has agreed to the children changing. That says it all. Especially from a sulky, want-it-my-way-I'm-the-most-important-one-really manchild type.

Names are a huge thing. They're an especially huge thing for men, because patriarchy, because It Should Mean Something. Actually changing your childrnes' names - not even just giving them your surname - is huge, it's something that would get an automatic no way from a father.

He's agreed.

He knows how bad it is - but he'd never admit it.

He doesn't like his name either - but he'd never let on.

Yes he was teased, probably teased mercilessly - but he'd never tell you that.

He's relieved that there will be a different family name - but his pride won't allow him to say that.

He will sulk and guilt trip because he feels conflicted too - relieved but guilty himself and a bit rubbish in general. Because he's slightly emotionally immature (from what you've said).

You're doing the right thing. Don't be surprised if in ten years' time, he's using your name.

Life is too short to be stuck with a name you despise. It can truly affect your sense of identity- I used to hate introducing myself to people, seeing my name written down (work email address, social media etc).

He will never ever tell you this, because he feels it will reflect on him and his family in some way - but I would happily bet a grand that yes, your husband does/has felt this way OP.

Names are incredibly personal. As I've said, the fact that your DH has AGREED tells you everything you need to know here (rather than what his pride lets you see). Change change change!

Protecting your kids from bullying has to be the priority here, and wanting to have the same name as your children is perfectly reasonable.

I would never change my name for anyone, and as I'm not married to my DP I did not give my DC his surname either - the hell with that nonsense, we are not his property and I did all the bloody work being pregnant / giving birth / breastfeeding / changing career to fit around kids etc. To be fair he had absolutely no problem with this line of argument.

I was similar to you OP, married young and took my ExH's name because it was expected. I hated it so much. It wasn't rude but it was funny and everyone laughed at it. When I was pregnant with DC1 I just couldn't go through with giving it to them. ExH agreed to change names to an old family name of mine that we both liked because of it's blandness.

Interestingly now we're divorced we've both kept our 'new' name. That's great for our two DC I guess because they still have the same name as Mum and Dad. However I often wonder if ExH remarries (he's in a long term relationship), would she take what is essentially my family name? I'd be really curious to know

As for me, I don't regret changing my name for a second. It's not my maiden name, although it is a name from my family tree, but it's mine and I chose it. I'll never change it now.

I think I've cracked it, this name business. In future all couples should -
Wife keeps her name.
Husband keeps his name. (No need for couples to have the same name)
Children are all double barrelled.

If parents divorce or remarried, nobody changes their names, including new partners.
If more children are born from the second marriage -
Children double barrelled one name from each parent.

This way all parents share one name with their children and all children share at least one name with their siblings.

For the next generation when adults have double barrelled names.
Wife keeps her name.
Husband keeps his name.
Children are double barrelled with each parent handing down one name, whichever sounds better with the other parents name.

Problem solved.
You're welcome!

YANBU. I kept my surname when I married partly because DH’s surname is ruddy awful, not a rude word but one that would get picked up on for me as a teacher... I also liked my maiden name and we gave DC both names.

You can change your name back and add your maiden name into DC’s name by deed poll.

Oh, and this way shit names will die out (which actually could be a shame in some ways) as nobody double barrelled would choose the shit name to give to their children.

Don't be surprised if in ten years' time, he's using your name.

I agree.

I admire you OP for taking this on.

I think it's really important that we (as a society) get over this totally arbitrary tradition of being stamped with the man's name, as wives and as children as well.

Other societies do it perfectly well, there are a number of different arrangements globally, and things still function. The world doesn't stop turning.

You haven't chosen the easiest path here but I hope your dh gets over his annoyance, and that his family don't lose sight of you in their inevitable reaction. (My dh's family did NOT react well when I didn't change my name to theirs, but have got over it, at least to my face )

I think the tradition of women taking on men's names is crazy and outdated. I did take on my husbands but that was because my maiden name was awful.

I can see why your husband is pissed off that you have decided to change the kids names though. He might be worried people will think you are embarrassed by his name - that's hurtful. Also he might be worried people won't think think the kids are his. Obviously it's not unusual for kids to have different names to their Dads but you must be able to see why he might think that.

I'd have left the kids names as they were.

Definitely change it. I initially took DH's name but after 6 months said I couldn't get used to it and I was returning to my birth surname. DH said he really wanted us to have the same surname so asked if I would be willing to consider both of us hyphenating. The hypenating instantly felt like 'my' name and I was happy to go with that.