to really, REALLY regret changing my surname?

[BoldRoo]

I was quite young when I married and changed my surname without giving it much consideration. Now, ten years later, I really regret it, for a number of reasons.

1. No family links (I have no middle names either).
2. Our surname is awful. Thought I’d get used to it, never have. It’s got a rude word as part of it (think Cockshoot, Dickman type name).
3. I hate seeing it on documents and still hate writing it myself.
4. I’m worried our children will be teased at school for it (husband denies it has ever happened to him, I don’t believe him). They’re still too young to know their surnames so that doesn’t matter.

So, I’ve suggested to husband that I change surname, and that our children also change to be the same as mine, and that he can adopt our new surname as a middle name/double barrelled name with his original surname (he refuses to change it outright). He’s being moody about it but says I can. But he’ll definitely guilt trip me about it. So, am I being unreasonable to seriously consider doing this?

I work in a hospital lab and come across hundreds upon hundreds of funny names. I can’t think of what name would be really embarrassing though. Names with cock and dick are quite popular. Is it Bumpass?

@TheMotherofAllDilemmas I haven’t demanded anything, actually. Note my use of words such as ‘suggested’ and ‘consider’.

YANBU at all.
Change your surname back to your original surname.
He has agreed to change the children's surnames, so change theirs too. Even if he does it grudgingly, even if he sulks. Just do it and don't feel guilty.
If he wants to add your surname as a second surname or as a middle name, great. If he doesn't, too bad. He can keep his shit surname to himself!

It’s not really the point but generally kids will find something to tease other kids about. If it’s not their name I’m sure at some point it’ll be something else. You can’t protect your kids from teasing.

I think you can change your name if you want but at this point I’d expect my DH to be hurt about it (oddly enough more so than if you’d just never changed it, even though logically you can say you’ve tried it).

Kids are more difficult. I’d not like to change my kids name now as it’s theirs. If they are keen (and of an age to express a thought out opinion on it), I’d maybe double barrel it (even though I’m not a fan of that) or use one as a middle name but I don’t think it’s fair to totally erase your DH name.

PS ignore all the posters who are stuck in the patriarchy, OP, and wouldn't blink an eyelid at a woman taking her husband's surname because "it's so much nicer", but still seem to struggle to comprehend why your husband does NOT have a right to inflict his hideous surname on his wife and children.

Yanbu at all, either for you or the children given their age.

I'd love to change my name back to my 'maiden' name. I've been married for 2 years and it has never really seemed like my name, but although I'm happily married, everyone ive discussed it with thinks it would be weird to change my name if we're staying married. It seems I'd also have to change it by deed poll which is ridiculous IMO - it was my name when I was born!

Is it Cockburn?

Change yours and the DCs' names if it's upsetting you. It's only a name!

My children are very young still and have absolutely no idea about their surname.

Thank you to all the posters who are actually bothering to read the full thread and make useful suggestions.

I also regret changing my name..I think as you get older you feel it more.

I am not sure about changing the DC's name as your as PR and has to agree..seems like he won't so you might have to accept different name to your children.

At DC's school it is very common for the mum to have a different name or double barrelled so I suspect changing your name will no longer be the default...hopefully.

Do it. Do it now while the kids are
young & don’t know their surname. Do it while DH is in agreement - he might ponder it & end up deciding he doesn’t want you/the kids to do it.

You’ve spent a long time unhappy with it, you think the kids will get teased... just do it

Or tell us the name so we can back you up/tell you DH us right 🤷🏻‍♀️

@bubblesforlife
Please stand firm, keep your surname. Unless he is willing to also change his surname (to a blended surname maybe?) you should not change yours.
And children are given their mother's surname by default (in the hospital that is, before you register the birth). They should have your surname and his can be a middle name. If he doesn't like that idea then perhaps he will be more flexible about blending them or finding another compromise?

To be fair, if I had a name like Cockwanker or Titsfanjo I’d be down the registry office changing it to Flowerychandelier or Amazinghips or something awesome. You can change it to whatever you want. Unless you really want your maiden name back why not change it to something exciting, or you could change a few letters of DH so it’s the same but not rude. Crockfoster instead Cockfoster or just Foster, for example. His family doesn’t need to know unless you’re desperate to tell them. It’s not a big deal really.

I won’t be disclosing the surname, but it really is quite bad. Definitely not a feminine or nice name. It’s heavy, clunky and has a rude word in it. I remember a relative on my side saying to me once “you really pulled the short straw with that name didn’t you” . I couldn’t disagree!

DH has said he will agree to changing the DC names, so I can do it. I just wondered if I would be unreasonable to consider going ahead as he’s being a sulky arse about it!

You didn't pull any straws, you chose to take it! You didn't have to!

As I said, just do it and let him sulk.
DH often sulks when he knows I'm right.

I changed my first name and surname by deed poll. My husband was upset about it but I was finding it really difficult having to spell it and respell it constantly. The relief since changing it has been huge. I love giving my surname at reception desks/over the telephone and not having to spell it out. My only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner!

FGS don't give your DCs the crap surname double-barrelled with another surname. What a nightmare that'd be.

I think I know what your surname is very common in Wolverhampton. Your children may get a nickname, but then children can turn a christian name into a rude one. Children can make anything out of a name if they wish. I think it happens less these days than in your OH time. The downside of an unusual surname is that everyone knows you vaguely as in Oh are you married to ?, or is your dad ? because of it unless you live in a city full of ??

It is a heck of a name to double barrel and I do not think that would fix anything. Think Smith-Dickman, Robinson-Dickman.

Thank you for starting this thread op. It's really important women see it and know that we don't have to have a man's name stamped all over us and our children. We see so many threads like this and yet I've never seen a single thread with a women regretting keeping her own name or giving her children her name.

Change your name op, I doubt you'll regret it.
Change your children's names, they'll probably thank you in the years to come and if they don't like it they're free to change it back.
If you all have your name it might give your husband the confidence to take your name. He is as much a victim of the patriarchy in this as you.

If it’s really that bad what possessed you to take it in the first place? You knew it wasn’t compulsory yet you did it anyway so it can’t be that bad? I’m now really intrigued as to what name has a rude word in it.

I had a similar maiden name I couldn’t wait to get rid of when I married.

The worst part was when it my name was called out in assembly at school. The laughter was mortifying every time. Spare them that OP!!!

@AnotherEmma I know I didn’t have to, trust me, I regret it now. Had a tendency to do what was expected of me/what I thought was traditional when I was younger.

Definitely learned my lesson on that in a number of ways!

Is it what justasking said - Dickman? Who would voluntarily change their name to Dickman??