to get married midweek in term time

[Frazzmatazz]

NC for this. I have a 10 year old DC, and have been engaged to my partner for just over a year. We have been looking at wedding venues for a few months and have found the one we want, it's perfect, special, and important to both of us.

We are on a strict budget - that's considerably higher than I would have wanted but DP has a larger family and social circle than I do so we have compromised. DP wanted to get married on a weekend but has agreed it makes sense to do it midweek for cost savings, rather than reduce the guest list any further than we already have.

The date we are looking at is early in the first week in September next year - we can't find any info on whether DC will be back at school or not by then. I've tried to work it out from previous term dates but they're not particularly consistent - sometimes the school goes back on a Weds, sometimes a Thurs, sometimes the first week in Sept, sometimes the second....

So do we book it and run the risk that our DC (and guests DCs) might have to take a day off school if the schools go back on the 1st Sept (unheard of in my experience, but it could happen) or find an extra ludicrous amount of money to do it on the weekend or in July/August? Venue is fully booked for most of the rest of the year, and other venues we have found and loved are also quite full. July/Aug have a little availability left as they're the most expensive months to get married in! (I've nicknamed this the Weather Tax....)

We don't have many friends with children who it would/could inconvenience, I'm confident DC would be fine with missing a day of school to be at his parents wedding, and I've been through the venues entire years availability as they correspond with the school holiday dates and there's literally nothing else (Around £8k difference between Weds 1st Sept and Sat 4th, it's a huge difference when we are also saving for a house. I earn £20k a year, DP earns a bit more but we can't justify dropping an extra eight grand on anything, it feels obscene!)

Would appreciate any advice on this, as obviously I've never planned a wedding before and I can't move forward with anything else until we have this hurdle tackled, and it's quite stressful!

Would you take your DC out of school for a day to attend a very close friends wedding if they booked it not knowing the school term dates beforehand, or would you think we were inconsiderate for taking the risk?

Be gentle with me, I'm finding this incredibly difficult to make a decision on!

Our county has term dates up until 22-23

How about a weekday but a week or two into sept so classes are settled and the kids wont miss the first few days

I had an Inset on 31st August a few years ago. I did manage to attend a friend’s wedding on a Friday afternoon in the first week of September once, by swapping PPA time (the half day teachers get out of class to plan), but definitely wouldn’t take my kids out of school.

Such a big saving does make it a difficult decision...

OP, I’m going to comment on a couple of things that haven't attracted much attention so far. A £50 dress budget and you’re postponing it for a whole year because your parents are away this summer? You say yourself that you tend to be a doormat and I think you’re being far too much of one on this. Your partner needs to compromise on the venue. Have it this autumn! At a compromise venue! With a bigger dress budget!

Fact is you simply can not afford the venue your partner wants. They need to accept that and deal with reality as it is.

Have your wedding whenever/wherever you want. However, if it's midweek, around the time kids go back to school, then many people will be unable/unwilling to attend.

Why is it you making all the sacrifices here? Doesn't bode well.

@Birdshitbridgegotme - our secondary sends the new Y7s to a 3 day camping trip, others do a day bonding camp.

I agree with other posters, you need to go back to the drawing board. As so many of your guests are travel from all over the UK I think you should look for a different part of the UK and also speak to your partner about the difference between what he wants and what you as a family can afford.

There is absolutely no point in having a mid-week wedding and you loose guests just to have a stunning venue.

YANBU to have a wedding whenever you want. But....
I know schools that go back on 1 Sep (they pool INSET days to give children 2 weeks together instead of 1 at Whit).

As a parent and teacher I think early Sept is one of the worst weeks for missing school - the getting used to routines / settling in is so important.

For families who have to travel you are asking for at least 2 days off work. This is a big ask for people who have limited holiday / childcare commitments. Even if children are not invited, making sure children are looked after and taken to school etc can be more complicated to arrange than weekend / holiday childcare (especially if grandparents etc don't live nearby).

I suppose what I am getting at is.... have your wedding when you want, but accept that a lot of people might decline.

if it was me I'd do away with the 'wedding' completely - I'd go get married on the Weds and throw a big party on the Sat - making it possible for lots of people to come.

It sounds like money is tight so why throw it away for a wedding? By which I mean having limited people come a see you exchange rings and have a meal and not be able to stay over or late due to work the next day?

We married alone abroad and had a lovely party in a local village hall with all our friends and family 3 weekends later - it was fabulous and no one cared about missing the ceremony

Not likely kids will be back in school on the 1st and missing one day is hardly a big deal.

These days most people don’t work Monday-Friday 9-5, so no reason a Wednesday would be more inconvenient than a Saturday. I’d have to take AL for a Saturday wedding and work the next two days, should I lambast any friend who has a weekend wedding as selfish?

You know your guests, if it works for you then go for it.

My kids are often back to school in August. It was the 29th for students last year. This year school opens on 26th, but that may be with a couple of inset days I guess. We're in Leicestershire and a bit of an oddity I think.

It's the time off work generally that would make me groan but only you know if it's likely to be an issue for your guests.

Just read OP's post from yesterday now. Doh! Good luck with whatever you plan anyway

I like ghosty's suggestion. Get married at the town hall just the two of you and your witnesses and then throw a party on the weekend for your friends.

I wouldn't take my kids out of school for someone else's wedding. But I guess if you're okay with people not coming because of that then you do you :)

Given your rather important drip feed about most of your circle not working M-F, I would say yanu to have a midweek wedding. I wouldn't have a problem taking 1 day of A/L for a close friend but I wouldn't take the kids out of school. Seeing as you wouldn't be willing to take your DC out of school now you know he starts Y7, you can't really expect others to.
It's a tricky one because the cost of weddings is astronomical and I wouldn't want to spunk away all that extra money if I could avoid it.

One thing I would say is it's all well and good to not be bothered that people won't make it. But you have to also think about the fact that many people DO want to come and would be quite upset if you set a date when you knew it would be very difficult for them to come. The message it sends to your guests is - we're getting married, we don't care if you come or not, here's the date. If I had a close family member getting married on a day they knew I couldn't make (for example midweek term time if I had kids), I'd be pretty annoyed. I wouldn't say anything and do my best but I'd be annoyed. That's not how you want to make people feel. Good luck sorting a date.

I think it is really common for schools to start on 1st Sept. As a teacher I have had end of August INSET before.
I would go for October.

I know you are saying that it costa fotune to have it at the weekend, i am seriously asking you to reconsider a Wednesday wedding. Have been to two Wedesday weddings, one a close friend (Who wedding got pulled up as her da was dying) and another of partner work collegeue( A rush wedding i think) But we both hated them. Both of us comute and couldn't take the next day off work. I had a huge presentation to do the next day in front of very important poeple in work, i wanted to be at the wedding for my friend, i left around 9 spent the night practising it and was exhausted the next day. The mood at both was not great as everyone was quiet stressed, most left after the meal, didn't even saty for the band. It was empty felt so sorry for both couples. we got another wedding invite this year for a wednesday and refused to go. None of our friends went. Can you even do a Thursday wedding ? Am getting married mysel this year, understand that budget is under strain, but i would rather have all my friends there enjoying themselves then an empty venue. Its a Friday by the way. I am sure you can do some haggling or look at different dates or venues. With regards to your dress, you can find some fabulouse second hand dresses for your budget . Best of luck

OP, my Dad got remarried last year in the middle of the first week of school and I'm going to be blunt - it was a pain the arse.

Lovely for him and his wife, who just booked the time off work as they normally do, but for those of us with school age kids (and school based jobs!) it came across so thoughtless, and it really caused bad feeling.

It wasn't 'just' the school day issue, although that was bad enough so early in the term, it was the extra time off work so soon after the long summer break, the travelling and the clock watching in the evening to get back in time for school/work the following day etc, coupled with 'oh, but just one more drink/why don't you stay over etc....) It was a nice day, but the shine was off it before it even started and it was hard to really relax and enjoy the meal etc.

I wouldn't recommend it, and I certainly wouldn't recommend risking the first day/first couple of days of a new school year.

I think either way some ppl have to take time off work OP (unless EVERYONE you know works 9-5 weekday jobs!) plenty of ppl work weekends too and may need to take time off so you cannot please everyone!!! I got married on a Weds during the Easter holidays and 95% of ppl invited came to the wedding so 🤷‍♀️

Do what suits you OP! If they want to be there and can make it happen then they will be there...