to get married midweek in term time

[Frazzmatazz]

NC for this. I have a 10 year old DC, and have been engaged to my partner for just over a year. We have been looking at wedding venues for a few months and have found the one we want, it's perfect, special, and important to both of us.

We are on a strict budget - that's considerably higher than I would have wanted but DP has a larger family and social circle than I do so we have compromised. DP wanted to get married on a weekend but has agreed it makes sense to do it midweek for cost savings, rather than reduce the guest list any further than we already have.

The date we are looking at is early in the first week in September next year - we can't find any info on whether DC will be back at school or not by then. I've tried to work it out from previous term dates but they're not particularly consistent - sometimes the school goes back on a Weds, sometimes a Thurs, sometimes the first week in Sept, sometimes the second....

So do we book it and run the risk that our DC (and guests DCs) might have to take a day off school if the schools go back on the 1st Sept (unheard of in my experience, but it could happen) or find an extra ludicrous amount of money to do it on the weekend or in July/August? Venue is fully booked for most of the rest of the year, and other venues we have found and loved are also quite full. July/Aug have a little availability left as they're the most expensive months to get married in! (I've nicknamed this the Weather Tax....)

We don't have many friends with children who it would/could inconvenience, I'm confident DC would be fine with missing a day of school to be at his parents wedding, and I've been through the venues entire years availability as they correspond with the school holiday dates and there's literally nothing else (Around £8k difference between Weds 1st Sept and Sat 4th, it's a huge difference when we are also saving for a house. I earn £20k a year, DP earns a bit more but we can't justify dropping an extra eight grand on anything, it feels obscene!)

Would appreciate any advice on this, as obviously I've never planned a wedding before and I can't move forward with anything else until we have this hurdle tackled, and it's quite stressful!

Would you take your DC out of school for a day to attend a very close friends wedding if they booked it not knowing the school term dates beforehand, or would you think we were inconsiderate for taking the risk?

Be gentle with me, I'm finding this incredibly difficult to make a decision on!

I got married at the height of summer. Weather was overcast and chilly. This is England.

The reality is most people will not open an invitation to a mid-week wedding and think ‘amazing!’ - they’ll think of all the stuff they’ll have to shift and the inconvenience.

That’s not how I’d want people to approach my wedding, what with weddings being a pain anyway for most guests.

YOU want your mid-week wedding and that’s fine so own it, do it, but accept that most people won’t be super excited about having to piss about on a Wednesday as this thread shows.

I'm in Scotland, and a teacher, and we go back at the end of August.

Unless it was my mother or sibling, there is no way I would be able to take a day off during term-time for a wedding. Unpaid leave might be granted for an immediate relative, but so soon after just coming back from six weeks off it probably wouldn't go down very well.

My friend hired a beautiful village hall in mid-August for a whole weekend for about £200 all in.

It was up there with one of the best weddings I've been to.

Don't trap yourself into thinking you don't have options when you do.

I think you've already decided.

My only quibble is that you seem set on the idea that guests should take their children out of school. Just no. You're free to have your wedding whenever you like but don't get offended or take it personally if people decline rather than taking their children out of school, or missing meetings they can't get out of at work etc. It's nothing to do with how much you matter to them, it's just that sometimes life gets in the way.

Plus, even 2 parent families may well have no annual leave to spare for a weekday wedding. "Saving" A/L for your wedding means probably 2 extra days of childcare in the summer hols, which (a) adds up financially if you have 2 or more children, and (b) it's just mean to make them do extra childcare so that they can also miss the start of their school year to attend your wedding.

Only do a weekday wedding if you will accept it, with good grace and without taking it personally, when people decline.

There is nowhere local to the majority of guests - everywhere is going to be inconvenient for some people. I can't explain without being potentially outing but our closest friends and family are in Manchester, Bedford, Lancaster, Leeds, Edinburgh, Ireland, London and other places. We do generally travel to see people a lot, and they travel to see us a lot. We're all just a bit dispersed in general!

I think you will be absolutely fine taking your DS out of school, even if term has started.

I would say the bigger question is will most of the guests be able to take annual leave for it, IMO.

PS I definitely havent made a decision - for a start it's not just my decision, it's a discussion with DP that we have scheduled for tomorrow evening (DP is away for work tonight) - I am finding it a bit sad to have to undo all the thought I'd put into it so far and go back to the drawing board, but I'm not adamant it has to be this day or even midweek. I'm just struggling a bit with some of the meanness here.

Then why are you having a wedding outside?! The weather is never guaranteed in the UK. We've had Summers there were complete washouts and cold.

September is a tough month for most people financially - holidays, buying uniforms and equipment, it's the month where most benefit fuck ups happen, it's usually a five week month, leave has been taken up by childcare - and yes, you could find that anybody involved in Education is unable to attend - Head Teachers definitely would need to be in school.

Re guests needing to take leave - a lot of our inner circle guests don't work M-F (reluctant to say much more as it could be outing) so it's going to be inconvenient for some people whatever day of the week we have it.

Personally I wouldn't have a weekday wedding. It just means you push your inconvenience on to your guests. They are the ones that use a big chunk of AL and struggle to arrange childcare midweek. Honestly if you can't afford your dream location on a weekend then it's our of your budget and I'd be looking at church hall type venues. We had ours in a church hall with a buffet and music and it was awesome. If you're saving for a house I would go for a cheaper wedding anyway. It's madness to spend thousands on one day when it could set you back financially for years. Just my opinion though.

Given they all need to travel, I’d certainly aim for a weekend and have it late in the day so they can travel in the morning where possible.

They may not say anything directly but you’ve seen people’s thoughts when a mid week invite arrives. It saves money for the couple by putting it back on the guests unless they all don’t work.

What I dislike about midweek weddings is the assumption that guests will use valuable leave to attend.
In the end it’s your choice but be aware that some guests will decline or will have the hump.

I think have your wedding when you want but accept that people may not want to take the time off work or their children out of school. Also every mid week wedding I have ever been to has been pretty much empty from 8PM onwards, so not sure whether that matters. You may also find people won't want to take the next day off so may leave right after the meal.

I missed the saving for a house part, in that case we’d slip to the registry office and get married that way. Home ownership wouldn’t be far more important than a party venue.

Bless you OP, it's tough.

But honestly from the list of locations you've given it's likely that a lot of guests will have to take 3 days annual leave, not just 1. That's a bit more of a problem than taking a child out of school for 1 day.

I know you say your priority is having all your loved ones there, but if they'll need to take 3 days off work (plus travel, hotel, gift, outfit) you could be putting them in a situation where they have to take leave from work AND spend a lot of money.

And tbh you're not even guaranteed decent weather in September. It could end up being 15 degrees or so.

Does is have to be a Manor House or barn? Could you not do a Saturday wedding going to the registry office then a village hall or country pub?

Our council has the children going back on the 1st. Obviously that could become an inset day but I wouldn't take my DC out of school and would be unlikely to attend for any/all of the following reasons...

I don't take DC out of school for any holidays; I wouldn't want them travelling back late the night before the first day of school; I don't want them to miss the start of term and settling into a new year group; I wouldn't have childcare if I were to leave the children and come to the wedding; I'd want to be there after school; I don't have enough annual leave to add on another couple of days...

As others have said - if it's the venue that matters and you can accept graciously that many of your guests may choose not to attend that's fine. If it's important to you that people are there you may need to rethink your plans.

I’m confused. How can you DC be 10 now and going into Y6 in Sept 21?

Honestly I love weddings and I know everyone makes decisions based on their circumstances. I’m sure your friends and family will try really hard to be there. The truth is, you asked, and so you’re going to get honest answers. Midweek is very £££s if you have travel and stay overnight. We need two hotel rooms, so even in a travel lodge A couple of hundred a night, add a couple of breakfasts/lunches and it very quickly tots up. It’s the same at the weekend without the lost income.

Surely you can find a weekend venue easily for £170 per person at any time of the year, then this wouldn’t even be a question. If the most important thing to you is having a large wedding to accommodate all of your friends and family it seems silly to have a weekday wedding. It’s much more difficult to attend a weekday wedding when annual leave is involved and potential travel.

It’s not as simple as just getting annual leave for some people, if the days falls at the end of the holiday you may find a lot of people would struggle to get annual leave as parents book those dates up well in advance and not everyone can have it off. Also some people may not feel comfortable with children missing days right at the beginning of term of the kids have gone back.

You are fixating a lot on the term time thing, I don't think anyone is saying you are an asshole for even considering it OP, it's just a fact that term time or not, a midweek wedding is going to be more inconvenient for the majority of your guests than a weekend. For anyone that works it will mean at least one day, possibly 2 or 3 off work (I definitely wouldn't want to have to work the day after a wedding). I'd do that for close friends and family, of course I would, but I have to say as a guest I would prefer a weekend wedding with less food/less booze/in a less fancy venue over a top end weekday wedding every time.

I hear what you say about the budget and not wanting to spend more than your budget, but you clearly are planning on spending quite a bit. For less than £180 per head outside London (or even inside London) you could absolutely do a cheap and cheerful modern hotel or registry office do with a buffet or pub lunch after at the weekend, which incidentally would avoid some of the weather related angst as well.

BUT if the barn venue is really really important to you, and this midweek day is the only way you can do it then absolutely go for it, I don't think anyone is saying otherwise. I'm not saying that is selfish, but it is less convenient for your guests, is all, I don't think you could think anything else in response to your question?

Could, you have a small registry/civil etc wedding on the week day with a nice lunch, then a big party on the closest Saturday? I have friends who did this and it worked out great.

If travel is involved, I think you need to pick a day that minimizes the need to take leave for the majority of your guests. When we did a weekday wedding, the only people who had to travel were retired.

I think have your wedding when you want but accept that people may not want to take the time off work or their children out of school
I agree and it's more likely that it won't be a handful who can't attend, more like a significant number as the OP has said he wedding is in a location where travel is expected of most guests.

I'd be irritated if someone decided to essentially expect guests to subsidise their wedding by the couple pocketing a substantial discount by booking midweek knowing full well that others would have to drop shifts and lose pay, take unpaid leave, use up multiple day's annual leave, end up paying for childcare at another time/have to take unpaid leave for children when holiday runs out etc.

Just had a look and our school goes back on September 7th :)
I'd be surprised if it's not on your school's website by this point in the school year.