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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get married midweek in term time

219 replies

Frazzmatazz · 17/02/2020 14:47

NC for this. I have a 10 year old DC, and have been engaged to my partner for just over a year. We have been looking at wedding venues for a few months and have found the one we want, it's perfect, special, and important to both of us.

We are on a strict budget - that's considerably higher than I would have wanted but DP has a larger family and social circle than I do so we have compromised. DP wanted to get married on a weekend but has agreed it makes sense to do it midweek for cost savings, rather than reduce the guest list any further than we already have.

The date we are looking at is early in the first week in September next year - we can't find any info on whether DC will be back at school or not by then. I've tried to work it out from previous term dates but they're not particularly consistent - sometimes the school goes back on a Weds, sometimes a Thurs, sometimes the first week in Sept, sometimes the second....

So do we book it and run the risk that our DC (and guests DCs) might have to take a day off school if the schools go back on the 1st Sept (unheard of in my experience, but it could happen) or find an extra ludicrous amount of money to do it on the weekend or in July/August? Venue is fully booked for most of the rest of the year, and other venues we have found and loved are also quite full. July/Aug have a little availability left as they're the most expensive months to get married in! (I've nicknamed this the Weather Tax....)

We don't have many friends with children who it would/could inconvenience, I'm confident DC would be fine with missing a day of school to be at his parents wedding, and I've been through the venues entire years availability as they correspond with the school holiday dates and there's literally nothing else (Around £8k difference between Weds 1st Sept and Sat 4th, it's a huge difference when we are also saving for a house. I earn £20k a year, DP earns a bit more but we can't justify dropping an extra eight grand on anything, it feels obscene!)

Would appreciate any advice on this, as obviously I've never planned a wedding before and I can't move forward with anything else until we have this hurdle tackled, and it's quite stressful!

Would you take your DC out of school for a day to attend a very close friends wedding if they booked it not knowing the school term dates beforehand, or would you think we were inconsiderate for taking the risk?

Be gentle with me, I'm finding this incredibly difficult to make a decision on!

OP posts:
popsydoodle4444 · 17/02/2020 15:06

Do what you can afford to but just be prepared for guests who turn down the invitation due to work and school commitments;if they can't come then no hard feelings and you'll save more money.

Myself&DH are going to a Monday wedding soon.Tbh it's actually easier to work in childcare because kids will be at school most of the day.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 17/02/2020 15:06

Also I wouldn't take time off work for a wedding either to be honest. I'm a single parent so have to use all my annual leave to cover school holidays.

Original poster
Frazzmatazz · 17/02/2020 15:06

I have asked the school, and they can't confirm dates. That was one of my first ports of call!

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Original poster
Frazzmatazz · 17/02/2020 15:09

if they can't come then no hard feelings - I'd be fine with people not being able to come because of this, if we tried to book a wedding on the basis that 100% of our guests would be able to make it, we'd never get married! One of the reasons we aren't getting married this year is because my parents are away for 8 weeks across the summer - I'm sort of done with trying to work it around everyone else when it's supposed to be our day as it is... (obviously that's frustration talking, but still, trying to please all of the people all of the time is an incredibly stressful way to operate, and yet seems to be my default most of the time...)

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 17/02/2020 15:10

Tuesday 1st September 2020 is listed on our Council's website as the first day back, unless it is an inset day which is up to the school. Are you sure your Council website doesn't have the dates up already

Original poster
Frazzmatazz · 17/02/2020 15:10

'I'm a single parent so have to use all my annual leave to cover school holidays.' - I understand this and have been here, we had a skim through our guest list to see if there would be anyone who would find it unreasonably difficult but it's true that we don't know or can't predict everyones circumstances 18 months in advance...

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Original poster
Frazzmatazz · 17/02/2020 15:11

Tuesday 1st September 2020 is listed on our Council's website as the first day back, unless it is an inset day which is up to the school. Are you sure your Council website doesn't have the dates up already - yes sorry, we are looking at 2021, which is why they aren't available anywhere that i can find.

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ChicCroissant · 17/02/2020 15:12

It's a Tuesday, if that helps with guesswork for 2021 - do you know what the school has done previously with inset days, our Council has the previous years listed so it might be possible to work out if the school normally uses the first day as INSET or not looking at previous dates

Lippy1234 · 17/02/2020 15:12

I’d take my DC out of school for my own wedding (not that I’d book a midweek wedding) but not for someone else’s.
As a wedding guest I find mid week weddings nowhere near as good as weekend ones. They are very awkward and always feel a bit budget.

ChicCroissant · 17/02/2020 15:12

If they are not up already, they might be after March when the next lot of admissions data comes out, could try checking then although that doesn't help if you want to book it now.

Wigeon · 17/02/2020 15:13

Hertfordshire county council school dates are out for the academic year 2021-22, and term starts 1 Sept 2021. We wouldn’t take our two DC out of school to go to a close friend’s wedding. Any guests who are teachers won’t be able to come if it is term time where you live. Any guests who work will have to take minimum one and quite possibly two days of annual leave, given anyone travelling a certain way will need to stay overnight. Those guests will have to take their children out of school for two days, not one, or not come.

So are there only three school aged children on the guest list? I think it’s worth considering the inconvenience of a weekday wedding to people without school aged children too. Or it might be that all your guests live relatively close (so no need for a hotel & two days off work) and you reckon they won’t mind taking annual leave for the day of the wedding.

MotherofDinosaurs · 17/02/2020 15:14

Another thing to consider is if you want it to be a party into the evening. Weekday weddings tend to be empty by about 9pm

Original poster
Frazzmatazz · 17/02/2020 15:16

Hertfordshire county council school dates are out for the academic year 2021-22 - I guess we could move to Herts and that would solve it then. Our LA hasn't published the dates yet, else I wouldn't be stressing about it.

This is all very helpful btw, it's really good to get all your thoughts rather than sit here chewing my fingernails trying to make a decision.

One of our closest friends is a head teacher, I'm waiting to hear from her about whether she would be able to make it and/or what her thoughts are.

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1Morewineplease · 17/02/2020 15:17

If your son is going to Secondary School and it’s his first day then I wouldn’t take him out of school.
It might be an Inset day, so you may be lucky.
However, Year 7s and the Sixth Form often start school before the other year groups in order to ease the newbies in.

Original poster
Frazzmatazz · 17/02/2020 15:17

Weekday weddings tend to be empty by about 9pm - sounds blissful to me!!! Grin

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Mymycherrypie · 17/02/2020 15:18

I know you’ve said you’d be happy for people not to come but be prepared that a lot of people may not come. And the ones that do may feel a bit annoyed that they are using annual leave because of your choice, but felt they had to come out of politeness.

I wouldn’t do it myself, just because I wouldn’t want my wedding to feel like a summons. I’d want people to come and really have a good time, not be thinking, school/work tmw, could have used my annual leave for Disneyland instead, Little Johnny will have to do lots of homework because of this, can’t stay over, etc etc

Original poster
Frazzmatazz · 17/02/2020 15:18

If your son is going to Secondary School and it’s his first day then I wouldn’t take him out of school. - he's not, it'll be his first day in Y6 if anything. Wouldn't dream of buggering up his first week in Secondary School. None of the other children would be starting Y7 either, off the top of my head.

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Chanel05 · 17/02/2020 15:18

If it saves a lot of money then it sounds like a good idea. As previous posters have said, if you're happy that some guests will not be able to attend then go for it. I'm a teacher and a lifelong friend stopped speaking to me because I couldn't attend their midweek wedding.

Wigeon · 17/02/2020 15:18

The other option is to consider a cheaper venue you can afford on a Saturday. Or get married much more out of season (ie not July/Aug/Sept), with cheaper prices. It depends how much you want the £££ venue but (probably) fewer guests, vs more of your guest list but compromise on the venue. Tbh I’ve been to some wonderful and very happy wedding in village halls...

Excited101 · 17/02/2020 15:19

Never mind the kids, I’d be really cross to be expected to take 1/2/3 days off work to attend your wedding when -for want of a better phrase- you’re being cheapskates. I’d rather you had a v small wedding and I just wasn’t invited tbh. It smacks of putting the inconvenience of the high cost, onto the guests in terms of their time off work.

Gruffalo45 · 17/02/2020 15:19

My only worry would be if your daughter is 11 before september and starts secondary school. I dont think I'd want my child missing any days during their first week at secondary school. If not I'd say go for it!

twoshedsjackson · 17/02/2020 15:21

Like Liverbird77, I've only known it happen once that we had an INSED day at the end of August, with the boys in on August 31st. It was an independent school, with boys starting at Year 3. The sense of shock was palpable among teachers and pupils alike. I think the master in charge of such things got considerable grief over it.
And wouldn't you know it, one boy's parents had arranged their wedding in good faith, never imagining that he'd be due in so soon! Of course he had the day off to attend, but I don't know how guests were affected.
Ask the school; I'd be surprised if all the term dates for the next academic year had not been fixed already, including days when pupils are not required.

Original poster
Frazzmatazz · 17/02/2020 15:24

@mymycherrypie I'd never want anyone to feel obliged to do anything they don't want to do, and to be fair to me I am an absolute doormat most of the time. I move a lot of stuff for a lot of people, host at mine regularly, very rarely put my foot down or get my way and have never asked anyone to go out of their way for me before, but.....I'm paying for it, and can't afford to stretch our budget any more. I just can't. I've looked at every possible scenario and tbh my general feeling is, if we are important to them as they are to us, it'll all balance out. There's nobody on our guest list we wouldn't do the same for, so I'm not asking anything of anyone I wouldn't be prepared to do myself.

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OneForMeToo · 17/02/2020 15:25

We wouldn’t use AL or take our children out for anyone’s wedding. I don’t take them out for my own selfishness wants of holidays let alone for anyone else.

Original poster
Frazzmatazz · 17/02/2020 15:26

'you’re being cheapskates' - the current budget works out at £170 PER GUEST. We absolutely, definitely, are not being cheapskates. We have a budget, based on what we can afford, and then some, but I think the last thing anyone can accuse us of is being 'cheap'. I'm extraordinarily generous to my friends and family all year round, your comment is out of order.

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