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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get married midweek in term time

219 replies

Frazzmatazz · 17/02/2020 14:47

NC for this. I have a 10 year old DC, and have been engaged to my partner for just over a year. We have been looking at wedding venues for a few months and have found the one we want, it's perfect, special, and important to both of us.

We are on a strict budget - that's considerably higher than I would have wanted but DP has a larger family and social circle than I do so we have compromised. DP wanted to get married on a weekend but has agreed it makes sense to do it midweek for cost savings, rather than reduce the guest list any further than we already have.

The date we are looking at is early in the first week in September next year - we can't find any info on whether DC will be back at school or not by then. I've tried to work it out from previous term dates but they're not particularly consistent - sometimes the school goes back on a Weds, sometimes a Thurs, sometimes the first week in Sept, sometimes the second....

So do we book it and run the risk that our DC (and guests DCs) might have to take a day off school if the schools go back on the 1st Sept (unheard of in my experience, but it could happen) or find an extra ludicrous amount of money to do it on the weekend or in July/August? Venue is fully booked for most of the rest of the year, and other venues we have found and loved are also quite full. July/Aug have a little availability left as they're the most expensive months to get married in! (I've nicknamed this the Weather Tax....)

We don't have many friends with children who it would/could inconvenience, I'm confident DC would be fine with missing a day of school to be at his parents wedding, and I've been through the venues entire years availability as they correspond with the school holiday dates and there's literally nothing else (Around £8k difference between Weds 1st Sept and Sat 4th, it's a huge difference when we are also saving for a house. I earn £20k a year, DP earns a bit more but we can't justify dropping an extra eight grand on anything, it feels obscene!)

Would appreciate any advice on this, as obviously I've never planned a wedding before and I can't move forward with anything else until we have this hurdle tackled, and it's quite stressful!

Would you take your DC out of school for a day to attend a very close friends wedding if they booked it not knowing the school term dates beforehand, or would you think we were inconsiderate for taking the risk?

Be gentle with me, I'm finding this incredibly difficult to make a decision on!

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 17/02/2020 15:28

This is about what’s important to you.

If the venue is the be all and end all then you don’t have a choice.

You undoubtedly could find a cheaper venue on a weekend but have chosen not to and that’s fine, but your wedding will possibly be missing several
People you’d want there.

I cannot take annual leave during term time and I’d not be heading to an evening event mid-week.

If the venue matters more than the guests then go for it.

I have to say the ‘x place has a lot of meaning’ stuff always feels a bit daft to me. I always think a wedding is about the guests, not the venue.

thecatsthecats · 17/02/2020 15:28

Honestly having such a headache over this - there's nothing in April holidays, nothing in June, and DP doesn't want to risk the weather in October...

My husband and I wanted to use our anniversary in October. We went for November because it was cheaper, and we considered the chances of beautiful vs rainy were more or less equal.

Friends got married in September and October (different years, all Saturdays).

September was glowing but incredibly windy. Many people lost their hats!

October was drizzly.

November was stunning, misty and crisp.

Had a cracking time at all three. The two weddings I would say were a bit 'off' were those in January - everyone had just had time off but were a bit poor, and grizzly at returning to work. The venue (same venue, actually!) was cheap because we were chucked out at 10am the next day for a wedding fair.

I really wouldn't go midweek in September over a Saturday in late Autumn.

Original poster
Frazzmatazz · 17/02/2020 15:29

Can I just reiterate that there's no guarantee that our date falls in or out of term time, we are going on guesswork here, I'm not deliberately deciding to inconvenience people, I'm trying to measure whether the risk would be worth it based on lack of available information about term dates.....

OP posts:
steppemum · 17/02/2020 15:31

So for example we break up on 23rd July 2021 so the full 6 weeks holiday puts them at returning on Monday 6th Sept 2021.

state school haven't g had a full 6 weeks for about 30 years....

Lippy1234 · 17/02/2020 15:32

I think the 1st September is low risk for having to take your DC out of school.
I think a midweek wedding is very inconvenient and the first thing I think of when I open a midweek wedding invite is that the hosts are trying to save money and what a shame it’s not at the weekend.

PineappleDanish · 17/02/2020 15:33

You can have your wedding whenever you want.

But if you book a weekday, and it turns out to be term time, you have to be prepared for lots of people not to want to go.

YellWat · 17/02/2020 15:33

Nope, this is DBVU.
Have it on a weekend for goodness sake. Midweek is selfish, forcing people to take annual leave, get fined for having their kids out of school and generally just being really inconvenient.

CloudsCanLookLikeSheep · 17/02/2020 15:34

I had a sunday wedding and regretted it. I saved £2k on the venue costs but I'd rather have paid the extra for a saturday wedding in hindsight. everyone f'd off early (apart from a few)

cunningartificer · 17/02/2020 15:34

Go for it. I’ve never known a school not have 1st September for inset where it’s the start of term. They never have inset in August so if anything you’re likely to have time in hand. Also a wedding is the definition of a once in a lifetime occasion. Those you want there will be there—unless they’re head teachers or inset providers!

LagunaBubbles · 17/02/2020 15:35

Weekday weddings tend to be empty by about 9pm - sounds blissful to me!!! grin

Whilst it may sound blissful on reality the midweek weddings I've been to aren't great. Ceremony and meal fine but no atmosphere at night, people leavi lng early etc aren't my idea of a good party for my guests.

Rainbowunicat · 17/02/2020 15:35

@steppemum I've taught in a state school in England for 20 years and only had less than 6 weeks once. That was something to do with extra days at Easter. And I'm talking as a teacher, kids tend to get at least 2 days extra as inset.

yabadabadontdoit · 17/02/2020 15:35

I’ve just looked and Leeds go back on the 6th. I don’t know if all areas are likely to be the same but most of the neighbouring areas here are usually.

GU24Mum · 17/02/2020 15:35

If you mean Weds 1st then some schools will be back, some won't. Any teachers though are likely to be doing INSET then.

You may well find that some people who would potentially take their children out of school won't want to take time off that early in the term. The Friday before half term would probably be very different and even more so if it were the last couple of days of term.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 17/02/2020 15:35

I wouldn’t let mine skip school for a wedding nor would I use precious annual leave to attend one mid week.

Absolutely fine to pick the venue and date that suits you but when the expectation is that guests will have to put themselves out, take leave etc I find it very selfish. Personally I’d go for a weekend at a cheaper venue or save longer so that it was more feasible for guests to attend.

bigchris · 17/02/2020 15:36

£170 per guest??

Jesus ! Is it in London?

Rainbowunicat · 17/02/2020 15:36

I've also never, ever had kids in on the 1st September. Ever. You'll be grand.

steppemum · 17/02/2020 15:36

term dates will vary county to county. So Glos and Wilts, depsite beign next door, may have different term dates.

if you go onto the county website you should be able to get 20-21 term dates and even return to school for sept 21. They are all there on our county's already.

Once you have the county's term dates, you need to be aware that schools may adda couple fo teacher training days on to the beginning of term. So the term dates say return on thurs 2nd, but school has teacher training days on those days, so kids in on mon 6th.

I find it unlikely though that school don't go back until Mon 6th. That is quite late.

ScarlettBlaize · 17/02/2020 15:37

I've looked at every possible scenario and tbh my general feeling is, if we are important to them as they are to us, it'll all balance out.

Every possible scenario apart from choosing a less expensive venue or risking less good weather or reducing the guest list or spending less on your dress or in fact anything that means YOU have to compromise.

There is nothing unreasonable about having the wedding when you want it, but your attitude to other people's inconvenience is completely unreasonable.

There is no way I would take my kids out of school for someone's wedding, especially on the first/second day of a new school year. Nor would I be asking a friend who works as a teacher/HT to take annual leave on one of the most stressful/important days of their year.

steppemum · 17/02/2020 15:38

I think you would be really safe with 1st september for kids

bigchris · 17/02/2020 15:38

Even if school is closed it'll be an inset date no doubt and she'll need to be there *
One of our closest friends is a head teacher

WinterCat · 17/02/2020 15:40

DD’s school starts back on 3rd September.

I’d take a gamble on 1st September and book the wedding.

Original poster
Frazzmatazz · 17/02/2020 15:42

It's not in London, no. I'm not here to quibble about the figure - just posted in response to the quite rude comment about us being cheap, we all have a different idea of what weddings should reasonably cost and as I said before, we have a large guest list and an okay budget but we absolutely cannot exceed our budget. So our choices are:

  • take the risk on a very early date in september that may or may not inconvenience the very very small handful of people with school age DC
  • get married on a weekend in crappy weather. (both of us have different medical reasons for not wanting to be hanging around a barn in the cold or damp for hours on whats meant to be the happiest day of our lives, but it's beside the point, we aren't being dicks about it, just want to give the whole day a shot at going well)

Tough choice.

OP posts:
MintyMabel · 17/02/2020 15:42

I wouldn't take my DS out of school for a wedding. I don't take him out of school for holidays or anything either.

I have a pretty strict stance on DD not missing school for holidays or family stuff. If it were my own wedding and it was a case of affordability, I'd do it

Reversiblesequinsforadults · 17/02/2020 15:43

Most children will not be in school on the 1st. Teachers probably will be and won't be able to take time off. However, it's likely that some of the children will be in on the 2nd. How far will people be traveling because that might be difficult for many people, children or not? I'd go for it if most people are nearish, although it might be an early finish as people have to get up early.

TrixieTheWhore · 17/02/2020 15:44

Tricky. Are your guests all very local to you?

If it's midweek would they need to take 3 days leave - 1 day to travel, 1 day wedding, 1 day to travel home?

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