to get married midweek in term time

[Frazzmatazz]

NC for this. I have a 10 year old DC, and have been engaged to my partner for just over a year. We have been looking at wedding venues for a few months and have found the one we want, it's perfect, special, and important to both of us.

We are on a strict budget - that's considerably higher than I would have wanted but DP has a larger family and social circle than I do so we have compromised. DP wanted to get married on a weekend but has agreed it makes sense to do it midweek for cost savings, rather than reduce the guest list any further than we already have.

The date we are looking at is early in the first week in September next year - we can't find any info on whether DC will be back at school or not by then. I've tried to work it out from previous term dates but they're not particularly consistent - sometimes the school goes back on a Weds, sometimes a Thurs, sometimes the first week in Sept, sometimes the second....

So do we book it and run the risk that our DC (and guests DCs) might have to take a day off school if the schools go back on the 1st Sept (unheard of in my experience, but it could happen) or find an extra ludicrous amount of money to do it on the weekend or in July/August? Venue is fully booked for most of the rest of the year, and other venues we have found and loved are also quite full. July/Aug have a little availability left as they're the most expensive months to get married in! (I've nicknamed this the Weather Tax....)

We don't have many friends with children who it would/could inconvenience, I'm confident DC would be fine with missing a day of school to be at his parents wedding, and I've been through the venues entire years availability as they correspond with the school holiday dates and there's literally nothing else (Around £8k difference between Weds 1st Sept and Sat 4th, it's a huge difference when we are also saving for a house. I earn £20k a year, DP earns a bit more but we can't justify dropping an extra eight grand on anything, it feels obscene!)

Would appreciate any advice on this, as obviously I've never planned a wedding before and I can't move forward with anything else until we have this hurdle tackled, and it's quite stressful!

Would you take your DC out of school for a day to attend a very close friends wedding if they booked it not knowing the school term dates beforehand, or would you think we were inconsiderate for taking the risk?

Be gentle with me, I'm finding this incredibly difficult to make a decision on!

I can see the conversation has moved but I just want to say you will never please everyone. I can't take leave in April or October. Weekends are always a no go in March and September. A mid week term time wedding would work much better for me. Even if it was my mum or sister.

You will never please everyone.

Anyway, DC will be starting secondary school, which for some reason had completely escaped me, so the whole discussion is moot now anyway

Award for most pointless thread .....

Hope amidst the wedding planning you've remembered to apply for his secondary school

Just book it. If people can’t attend for whatever reason, you have to accept that.

If any of your guests live in rural Ireland, don’t expect them to know when school starts back until about the month before.
We never know when our primary starts in September until I bump into a teacher or other mum who knows someone at some point in August....
However, there’s no issue about taking kids out of primary school here for holidays etc.

I used to work in wedding industry.

It is your choice BUT you will very likely find that the majority of your guests will decline the invite (meaning you’ll have ended up paying more than you needed to for spaces that will be left unused) as it’s a very inconvenient date AND a very expensive time of year for parents.

Plus any guests that work in schools if their school is back then won’t probably be able to get time off then.

Venue choice. Really you’re better only looking at those you can afford the Saturday/weekend bookings. Because even looking at venues you can’t afford only leads to heartbreak.

I wouldn’t recommend your proposed course of action.

“This is one of the cheaper venues we have looked at” i very much doubt its one of the cheaper venues in the area though with an £8k gap in costs for a few days separate in dates!

Fairly confident you’ve only looked at the more expensive options generally in your area and likely only those advertised as “wedding venue”.

If you’re on a tight budget you need to think outside the box and not fall for wedding industry hype.

If you look at the “best & worst” weddings threads midweek/term time weddings frequently come up, often described as damp squibs because people don’t really let their hair down if they’re having to work or drive the day after. There’s a “mood”, an atmosphere for weekends that you can’t really replicate in the week.

If I were you I’d go back to the drawing board and find venues that are within your budget for a weekend date.

“I've looked at every possible scenario” sorry but I just don’t believe that when you’re apparently looking at a venue with a an £8k difference in price within a few days.

This too:

“the current budget works out at £170 PER GUEST” backs that up.

“If the venue matters more than the guests” does seem to be the case doesn’t it? I can see this wedding ending up gorgeous venue...no guests!

There are MANY other options available you just don’t want to even consider them.

Village/church halls, sports clubs, hobby clubs, school/college/uni halls are all indoor, well heated places that can make for fantastic venues.

There’s an insane amount of money goes into advertising and marketing “official” wedding venues and they don’t always provide a good result.

Your guests being scattered geographically is even more reason for a weekend wedding as the further people have to travel the more time they need away from work.

I had this issue with my wedding but to international levels - groom was army and both of us had been army brats plus had relatives who’d emigrated (the best man came over from Singapore!), we arranged accommodation and on the day travel for as many guests as possible. And we were on a VERY tight budget but it depends what you want to prioritise.

All written before update on your ds but I think still contains some good points to consider going forward.

It’s absolutely possible to have a “big white wedding” on a budget if you think laterally.

Could have saved myself days and nights of fretting if I'd just worked out he would be going into secondary. Christ's sake

Really?? You've only just realised he must have been talking about it, and the other mums ??

@Graphista longpost ,missed the update

I know you’re rethinking, but if most of your friends are shift workers of some kind, is it actually easier for them to get days off midweek than at the weekend? I would think more people want weekends off for various things than midweek making it less difficult to get midweek off?

OP, I'm sort of relieved that your DS is going into Y7! It takes the date of the table and means you'll need to have a rethink. And hopefully this thread has helped shape some of your thoughts.

Please, as a guest I'd be offended if I thought your venue was more important to you than my attendance.

We had our wedding in a registry office followed by dinner and evening reception in a gorgeous pub. It was relaxed, intimate and budget friendly. Have another think about your venue - I'm sure you can find something that meets your situation better.

Have a cup of tea, forget about wedding planning for tonight and then start again with DFiance tomorrow

Having a mid week wedding is simply passing the cost to your guests who must then miss work or use holiday to attend. Only you know if your guests might resent that. It would go down like a lead balloon in my family.

The hotels are cheaper mid week - it’ll save them some money

I’m amazed you didn’t know when ds was moving to secondary! I thought I was fairly laidback but that’s impressive. Do you not have any anxiety about him getting in to your first choice? Have they not been doing endless taster days and chats at school about secondary?

There’s just absolutely no way we could go to a midweek wedding. DH is a teacher. I could go but I’d have three kids alone all day. Late night for them on a school night, probably have to put them to sleep in the car on the way back. It just makes a lovely occasion in to a massive chore.

Have they not been doing endless taster days and chats at school about secondary?

No, because it’s 18 months away.

In all my years with kids in school (more than 20) the kids have never gone back on 1st. If it’s listed it will be an inset day. Agree midweek weddings are a pain - Monday or Friday not so bad but Wednesday might require 2 days off work for some. Your wedding your choice though

If it’s your partner that wants x y and z why are you melting your brain sorting it get them to do it!!

I really don't think they'll be back on the 1st however I wouldn't pull my kid out of school for a wedding and tbh would resent using AL for a Wednesday wedding unless it was very close family (and because realistically I'd need the Thursday off too ) that would bother me a lot more than term dates

I think your "large" guest list will be significantly reduced by a wedding on a Tuesday.....

People boos time off for overseas weddings don’t they?
I’d do what works for you, with no pressure on guests. I’d prefer early September over October and midweek will mean your hairdresser, car, everything will be loads cheaper,

Have a lovely day,

God what's wrong with people! Obviously she didn't forget that her child will be starting secondary school, she just didn't put the dates together in her head, I assume.
And why would she have anxiety about it when he's in year 5? The PP that suggested that needs some form of help!!

OP, I'm sure you'll find a way to organise your dream wedding. Don't worry about pleasing everyone, just make sure your absolute closest people can all make it and go from there.

I would, however, ignore posters who say that if people want to come, they'll manage- that's not always the case. We had to miss a family member's wedding as we couldn't afford to travel/take time off work. We weren't snubbing them, there was just no way to make it happen. So you need to prepare yourself that whenever you have your wedding it won't suit everyone.

I never understand why it’s acceptable to organise a mid week wedding, but if someone was planning a birthday, anniversary or leaving party for a random Wednesday afternoon which involved multiple days off work and travel, you’d be told you were mental
I understand it for smaller affairs. If you're keeping it quiet, registry office just you and a couple of guests and then a celebration meal at a restaurant then a mid week wedding with largely local guests would be fine. I don't think many people would bat an eyelid at half a day leave or an early finish for a 4pm ceremony.

The issue for me is when it's abundantly obvious that a couple decided their venue and nice photos are more important than the guests so they do a weekend style wedding but midweek to pass the costs onto guests.

As your guests are very scattered geographically anyway, is it worth looking for a cheaper region to get what you want on a lower budget? I know that inflation will have occured since my wedding a decade ago, but I paid less than a third per head for a country hotel. I can believe prices doubling, but trippling suggests you're in a more expensive region.

When guests have to travel, you do need to factor in their travel commitments. Although we couldn't do much about guests flying in, booking a 2pm ceremony gave many guests a chance to travel on the morning rather than the night before cutting accomodation costs and meaning no leave taken (weekend)

Sometimes guests needs are incompatible. Summer holidays were highly useful to me and the majority of DH's family. Half terms and Easter often don't end up the same across the UK. Summer holidays sadly ruled out a couple of members of my extended family. Their wing of the family tends to end up with winter dates. Sometimes it does just have to be best fit.

Make sure whatever the venue, it will be comfortable in any weather. Unseasonably nice is a bonus, but any month can be wet and chilly and it's more disappointing in one of the "better" months.

More talking and compromise from DH needed!

OP, if you’re finding the whole thing stressful and emotional at this early stage, and it’s your DP, not you, who wants the big, expensive wedding, maybe suggest he shoulders more of the burden of organising it?

I would be fine with my child missing school but as a guest I would struggle to attend due to annual leave

Haven't read all replies so sorry if this is repeated but in my area schools go back on Monday 6th at earliest. Some will have inset days on Mon/Tues. It's highly likely alot of areas will be the same as the May half term week is 31st so going into June which is nearly a week later than usual.
This year schools are back on 7th.