to get married midweek in term time

[Frazzmatazz]

NC for this. I have a 10 year old DC, and have been engaged to my partner for just over a year. We have been looking at wedding venues for a few months and have found the one we want, it's perfect, special, and important to both of us.

We are on a strict budget - that's considerably higher than I would have wanted but DP has a larger family and social circle than I do so we have compromised. DP wanted to get married on a weekend but has agreed it makes sense to do it midweek for cost savings, rather than reduce the guest list any further than we already have.

The date we are looking at is early in the first week in September next year - we can't find any info on whether DC will be back at school or not by then. I've tried to work it out from previous term dates but they're not particularly consistent - sometimes the school goes back on a Weds, sometimes a Thurs, sometimes the first week in Sept, sometimes the second....

So do we book it and run the risk that our DC (and guests DCs) might have to take a day off school if the schools go back on the 1st Sept (unheard of in my experience, but it could happen) or find an extra ludicrous amount of money to do it on the weekend or in July/August? Venue is fully booked for most of the rest of the year, and other venues we have found and loved are also quite full. July/Aug have a little availability left as they're the most expensive months to get married in! (I've nicknamed this the Weather Tax....)

We don't have many friends with children who it would/could inconvenience, I'm confident DC would be fine with missing a day of school to be at his parents wedding, and I've been through the venues entire years availability as they correspond with the school holiday dates and there's literally nothing else (Around £8k difference between Weds 1st Sept and Sat 4th, it's a huge difference when we are also saving for a house. I earn £20k a year, DP earns a bit more but we can't justify dropping an extra eight grand on anything, it feels obscene!)

Would appreciate any advice on this, as obviously I've never planned a wedding before and I can't move forward with anything else until we have this hurdle tackled, and it's quite stressful!

Would you take your DC out of school for a day to attend a very close friends wedding if they booked it not knowing the school term dates beforehand, or would you think we were inconsiderate for taking the risk?

Be gentle with me, I'm finding this incredibly difficult to make a decision on!

Can’t you do a weekend day at a different time of year? Midweek weddings mean booking holidays from work. Or a Friday, so that guests only have to take one day off (no one wants to drink and then go to work the next day). At least then your child wouldn’t be missing the first day of term, which I think is hard to settle if you miss it.

I would have thought with your budget you could get a weekend wedding in a warm venue.

For everyone suggesting a smaller wedding at a registry office and a later party, that's what I've always wanted. It's not what DP wants. Trust me I'd run away to gretna green and tell everyone about it in the post if I had my way. But DP is set on a big louche affair, so I'm trying to make cost savings wherever possible to accomodate that.

I've just realised that DC WILL be going into Y7, so actually the whole thing is moot anyway. There's no way I'm disrupting his first week into secondary school. I'm quite tired at the moment and my head is absolutely scrambled trying to keep everyone happy.

Back to the drawing board, but at least now I know how everyone feels about midweek weddings - it's been quite illuminating!! Could have saved myself days and nights of fretting if I'd just worked out he would be going into secondary. Christ's sake.

It sounds like you’re all weddinged out, have a little break from trying to plan it for a few days and then have another think.

We did it,by accident admittedly.We thought the 6 weeks holidays started earlier than they actually did.

Got married on a Thursday 7th july at 3.30pm.
Everyone came including those with children.If you want to attend a wedding,you'll make it happen x

I would chat with the key people you'd like there, what do they think?

Our area doesn't have 20/21 dates available yet, they've just gone out to consultation with schools but nothing confirmed, including inset days. I expect they'll be available about June/July time this year.

Oh bless you OP. Hoping you find another date that works.

But you were asked if you’re being unreasonable op, why so much rage when people say yes?!

No matter how much you’re paying per head, it does come across cheap to have it midweek. Choose a cheaper venue, have it at a better time or accept you’re being a pita. It’s your wedding, you can do what you like but you’re asking if you’re being unreasonable and the general consensus is ‘yes’.

@excited, it's not rage, it was peoples assumptions that a) i was some kind of bridezilla when I'm actually just trying to make my DP happy and b) I'm a cheapskate when I'm actually obscenely generous to mine and DPs family and friends despite earning the least by a long chalk in our social and familial circles and c) some kind of assumption that I'm spending a fortune on fripperies when actually almost everything I thought I wanted - dress, cake, etc - I've given up to accomodate the guest list. Not rage, just upset I guess. But I'm also very tired, quite emotional at the thought of the whole thing and the sheer amount of people-pleasing that goes into this kind of thing, and a bit vulnerable to criticism. I asked if it would be unreasonable to take the risk on a midweek term date, not a full on character assassination based on assumptions.

Anyway, DC will be starting secondary school, which for some reason had completely escaped me, so the whole discussion is moot now anyway. That's some kind of picture of where my fried brain is at right now. But it's been helpful to know just how much people hate midweek weddings! I just need a slightly thicker skin and possibly a cup of tea and a nap.

People won't say it to the bride's face, but as you can see from this anonymous forum, most people think midweek weddings are an expensive inconvenient pain in the arse.
No matter what you spend people know you're doing it to save money, and because they're having to take days of annual leave you're essentially costing them more, to save yourself money.
As others say, that's cool if the venue matters more than your guests, but yep yabu imo.

If people are working weekends or shifts there will still be some weekdays they are working so you can't assume that midweek is automatically their time off. With the distances you are talking about and depending on the time of the ceremony you're asking friends and family to take at least 2 days leave to attend. As other people have pointed out it's transferring the costs to your guests so that you can make savings.

As your guests are so far flung you benefit from them probably being forced to stay for the evening as it's not likely they would be able to get back in time for work the next day. That means that the evening is less likely to be a bit flat.

OTOH it does mean that you really need to make sure that the event is going to justify taking the time off. If you don't sort the things that hack guests off (hours waiting for the B&G to have their photos taken, long spells without food/drink, £££ accommodation, expensive gift list options) you are either just making it easier for guests to turn down the invite or they attend because they feel they have to and grumble to each other. They will of course tell you that it's been the best wedding they've been to because it's polite and expected.

If you genuinely won't kick off about people not coming go for it. If you know that you will be hurt you need to carry on thinking. Can you focus on house first and think about marrying in the future?

We had a (small) termtime Monday wedding. I do think a full-blown Big Wedding on a termtime Wednesday is a bit - incongruous, tbh, and a little bit presumptuous towards your guests. And I'm not wholly liking the sound of your dp's attitude here. Does he know how badly his ideas and demands are affecting you?

So what is he doing to plan all this since he's the one who wants to spunk money you could be using for a deposit (£170 a head !) and have a big wedding? £170 a head for a midweek wedding in a barn?!

Just remember, OP, that if you are checking the dates of the secondary school that your DS will be going to, some schools have the new Year 7s going in a day or two before everyone else to help them acclimatise.
Fwiw, and to answer your original question, I wouldn't have taken my DD out of school for a friend's wedding so I would probably not be able to attend myself, unless it was very local and I could nip out and collect her.

I never understand why it’s acceptable to organise a mid week wedding, but if someone was planning a birthday, anniversary or leaving party for a random Wednesday afternoon which involved multiple days off work and travel, you’d be told you were mental.

No one will ever say it to the couple getting married, but most people when getting an invite like that would groan at the hassle of organising annual leave or swapping shifts, booking mid week travel and childcare.

Drink the tea, take a nap. Perhaps speak with your DP about the strains, and see if you can both take a step towards each other’s ideals. It’s good practice for married life
Seriously though, I hope you find a workable solution, so you can enjoy the run up, the day and most importantly married life.

Oh and ignore the next six pages of posts from people who haven’t bothered to read your latest post

I have very few weddings to attend these days as most people elope.

I’d be delighted to attend.

But why mid week rather than a Monday or Friday? Or even a Thursdays to tag on to a weekend? How much is the difference?

I really don’t think anyone is attacking you. Organising a big party is stressful. Why are you giving up so many things that matter to you? Why are you taking “it’s really expensive and difficult to go to a Wed wedding rather than fri/mon or best of all Sat” as an attack? It’s a fact that you weren’t really aware of or considering which is presumably the info you were looking for from this.

Weddings are a celebration of your joining. They are expensive for you but normally cost friends and family more to attend if you add it all up. Everybody who comes accepts that and gives it with love. These are the important people in your life. Enjoy it. Don’t feel overwhelmed or sad.

@EuroMillionsWinner

Seconded! I've come across a lot of entitled grooms in wedding planning. Funnily enough the same ones who are all about the status of the thing are the ones laughing off that they "just have to show up on the day".

My rule is that you don't get an equal say in the deciding unless you're taking an equal role in the doing. (Got THAT straight with my husband pretty early on in the process, given I'm from an events management background and could tell him clearly what was/wasn't achievable with the budget, and that I wasn't going to be made responsible for tearing my hair out making it go further).

Incidentally OP, we got married at Hargate Hall, near Buxton. Like you, we have guests from all over the country. Our entire wedding costs broke down to about £150/head all in, in November, and we fed everyone Fri-Sun, with a free bar all weekend too.

They may well be lying, but plenty of people have said "best wedding ever" 😂

OP just head up north with your huge budget, pick a nice warm venue and have a fab time! Maybe book the barn for your 5 year anniversary

I wouldn't discount October half term. It's one of the drier months. Not the hottest but in many parts of the country July/Aug/Sept are the wettest.

Go for it and don't worry about it. Mine aren't back till 8th and most will be off that week after bank Holiday Monday as going back that week just leads to lots of unauthorised absences.

Just checked the term times here and it says 1st day of school 1st sept 2021.

Also I don't have kids so people may think I'd have no problem with a term time weekday wedding but I'm another that wouldn't take annual leave for it, especially if it was more than 1 day. Exception being very close family.