"Well I make 100% of the money"

[sandscript]

Who is BU?

I'm a happy SAHM but this weekend, with storm Dennis, we were stuck indoors with baby and toddler DD.

DH stayed in bed till 2.30pm on Saturday and we had a big row about it. Sunday was much the same, and when we were arguing I said I do 100% of the childcare and need a break or at least some help from time to time. His reply "well I make 100% of the money".

This comment is still really bugging me. I feel like I should get a job just to shut him up and he'll have to do 50% of childcare which he definitely won't.

You’re right, I didn’t think of every possible scenario where it was possible to use the term SAHP, and you’ve found a loophole. You’re absolutely right about that. Where do we go from here?

@TabbyMumz

Could you please quote or point me to the page and post where @Pumperthepumper said that you had to be a SAHM for 5+ years to be classed as a SAHM. I can’t find it. I feel like you are putting words into her mouth.

Maternity leave is a paid or unpaid sabbatical though. It has a finite timeline which has been predetermined and you have a job to return to. So whilst the day to day is the same as being at home on a more permanent basis, the view isn’t quite the same. It’s more like a year off you can appreciate (or get through - depending on how you enjoyed it or didn't) because you know it will come to an end.

Loopholes are what make the world interesting. 😀

Another one, career breaks, oh and long periods between jobs. Ok that was 2 🤣

The world has moved on from what has once been deemed the traditional role of a sahp. Damn, years ago it was unusual for dads to stay at home, now many are. He might do it for 6 months or 16 years, it's still the same.

Regardless of if you work, don't, whatever, parenting is stressful. Just those stresses differ when you work or don't work. And I will stand by that it was easier not working because there wasn't a boss to answer to. This alone adds a fuck ton of stress that really isn't needed. Doesn't matter if you're on 10k or 100k. And stress can lead to exhaustion, which could explain why he sleeps so long at the weekend.

But ultimately, until they sit down like mature adults and talk about it all, nothing will be resolved. They will both continue to be resentful of each other. That as will can add stress. You want to be at home with the children, enjoying them and your partner, just financially it's impossible. And again, this is an issue across all income brackets.

ML isn't always set in stone with an absolute date of return.
There are those who decide during ML to quit, and hand in their notice nearer the end of ML.
That is of course if your company doesn't go bust whilst your on ml and have no job to return to.

crispysausagerolls

I think it was this bit.

“Creme you’re saying that you know what being a SAHP is like because you’ve been on mat leave. I’m saying you don’t, because you’ve never been a SAHP and the two are totally different. And re-entering the workforce is a massive part of what is essentially a five-year career break.”

Essentially after that there were lots of posts about what it means to be a sahp.

That is the bit, Crispy. That’s the bit where they ignored the ‘career break’ but and focused on the ‘five year’ bit.

It’s the bit where they ignored the point I was making and showed how determined they were to pick a fight by deliberately pretending five years was the minimum time I decreed for being a SAHP.

They went on to discuss other times I’d defined being a SAHP so they could pretend they didn’t know the difference between SAHP and mat leave, but you’ll have seen that yourself.

Can someone point out where Tabby mentioned 5+ years?

Pumperthepumper I’m really not trying to pick a fight and I haven’t criticised sahps at all. I still disagree that my second mat leave hasn’t given me an insight into what my life would be like as a sahm. I don’t doubt that there is a different psychological impact of being out of the workplace for 5 or even 10 years but that shouldn’t have an effect on day to day life/workload especially when they’re small.

In the context of the OP it doesn’t really matter though. She has a husband who seemingly can’t be arsed to spend time with their small children on a weekend. She could be working full time and still have the same issue.

@TabbyMumz

Mentioned the 5 year thing so much I literally can’t go and copy and paste them all as they are on different pages!

I think @pumperthepumper is having something she said wildly misconstrued! She hasn’t said “you have to be at home
For 5 years for it to count”, she has plucked 5 years out of thin air in the context of a career break - perhaps she had 2 children and so it would have been 5 years for her?” I don’t know. But gleefully jumping on that phrasing and pretending she said something she didn’t isn’t helpful.

Ok times that TabbyMumz mentioned the 5+ year in the context of her having ascribed a meaning to it which I do not think exists:

21.14
21.37
21.44
21.50
21.57

I am curious as to what happens between the last day of your maternity leave, and the first day of being a SAHM if you jack your job in? Does your child suddenly become extra needy? What is different in terms of 'hard work' aside from knowing you are fully dependant on a man who could theoretically up and leave anytime and you have no income yourself? But that's stressful rather than hard work surely. And why do you need to qualify for the label of SAHM by being at home x amount of years? Bloody bizarre!

I dont see how someone who just works a few hours a week OOH around childcare is a SAHP. They're a part time WOHP.

So? What's so great about being labelled a SAHP that you have to jump through hoops to be able to refer to yourself as one?

If it's important enough to have categories and have a discussion about those, it's important enough for those to be accurate. If you're saying there's no need for any such labelling or categorisation, that's one thing, but you appear to be arguing that? I wouldn't have said not having a job in order to focus on caregiving is jumping through hoops either? It's just a way of arranging your life. Like having a job.

Sorry, you don't appear to be arguing that.

Have you both set clear boundaries and expectations? Is he breaking this? What was made clear when you become the homemaker?

He sounds like a 3rd child to be honest. I am a SAHP but at the weekends we both sort kids. During the week it's up to me but if my husband has seen I've had a really stressful day then he'll pick up the slack and the same for him.

He has no respect for you and unless you set CLEAR boundaries then I'm afraid it's only going to get worse. You are both parents, that doesn't change because he works and you are at home. If needs must, get a job but stop doing stuff for him and start by bringing the kids into the room making sure he's fully awake and head out for an hour or two.
You need to make your voice heard because men like him tend to take the fucking piss until it's too late...

Also, for that comment he would have got an ice bucket of cold water chucked over him. Fucking prick...

Darling, I've been thinking about your argument that you earn 100% of the money.

It must be so unfair that you never get to parent your own children.

I have an interview at 4pm. If I get the job you'll need to go part time to cover child care or nursery will cost us xxxxxx a month which is more than I'll be earning to begin with but never mind. If that's not possible then why not appreciate that I enable your continued successful career and working by giving up my career and caring for our children. That it's not a competition and that your job gives you breaks on the day, paid holiday and the ability to use a toilet and that mine doesn't.

Do you think the OP is showing her husband gratitude every day he's out at work, would anyone expect her to?
I don't really understand the use of the word 'gratitude' here.
With the 'bill him for the work you do' thing, it's not about gratitude but a reminder of what the SAHP contributes. There's a much more tangible and clear reminder of what the out-at-work parent contributes in terms of mortgages paid, bills covered, etc.

Some people have asked why the reference to 5 years for Sahm's and where did it come from....well at 20.55, pumper said "mat leave is different to being a sahm for five years". Ffs answered this saying " so when I did parenting 24/7 it hasnt counted because it wasnt for 5 years, and my ex did it for 18 months!?" Pumper answered that it depends and "were you getting paid?". Pumper also quoted somewhere else that you arent a sahm if your child is at school. I queried her on these statements and she never once deviated that she thought that you are only a sahm if you do it for years (up to 5) but not if you receive any money from anywhere, you have to be financially dependant on your partner. I think after a long drawn out discussion she has finally conceded that this is wrong because of course you are a stay at home mum if you are staying at home, looking after your children, that the time period is undeterminable, ie it can be for a short period or a long period, even for only a year!!! And you can still be a sahp if you receive payment from somewhere. All of this is irrelevant to me, the point I was making, that pumper took umbridge with, was that I felt I had cared for my children long enough to make the decision that I felt it was not work.

@crispysausagerolls I have read all of tabby’s post after pumper mentioned 5 years.
And nowhere does tabby say 5+ years. 5 years, 0-4, questions about school age etc. But nowhere 5+.

The 20:14 was a direct comment to me as I had questioned the SAHM logic.

This is the 20:14 post. I have slightly amended how it posts as @TabbyMumz as stated several times she is having issues with the bold fiction. I haven’t change the wording, so please explain where she mentions 5+

"ffswhatnext

So hang on a minute, the periods I have been parenting mine for 24/7 it hasn't counted because it didn't amount to 5 years?
Or when the ex did it for 18 months it didn't count?
(I posted those questions)
Yes, apparently you werent a sahm then!! Not sure what you were, but apparently you werent a sahm. You only get to call yourself that if you've done it long term!! Who knew?! Was tabby’s response.

I’m totally lost on this now. What’s the significance of the 5+ over the 5? Did Tabby ever say how long she’d ever actually spent being the sole childcare provider for her own children? Seems a bit stupid to pretend you know what it’s like when you haven’t done it.

I did admit I was wrong when I didn’t list absolutely every possibly scenario where you could be considered a SAHP. I should have been much, much, much, much more specific. It still doesn’t change the fact that nobody on mat leave calls themselves a SAHP. So I think that line isn’t as hard to see as a few of you are pretending it is.

I certainly didnt call myself a sahm when i was on maternity leave And neither did anyone else i know

I saw, and see, maternity leave as being very different

Quite obviously my opinion

The 5+ started when crispy asked where you had said 5+, Tabby hadn't mentioned the +.
Once the + was added lots of assumptions where based on her motives, including the one I c&p'd.

Tabby has been getting a hard time for some unknown reason. Could be down to the quote function not working properly, this happens. I don't know, all I can do is speculate the reasons. I just find it bizarre that I have said similar things to Tabby yet I wasn't subjected to the same things.

And is true, once you started to consider some of the variations, you realised that there is no longer a standard definition of a sahp.

At the end of the day, if the individual wants to call themselves a sahm, it shouldn't matter if they did it for 9 days or 90 years. Until we try this we don't know if it's for us or are forced into it for a variety of reasons.

I have known parents on ML refer to themselves as sahp during ML.
It's sometimes easier for them rather than listening to endless comments about - ooh no I wouldn't leave mine with strangers - why have kids if you're going to back to work etc.

Same with I have known fulltime carers, myself included, say sahm rather than a carer. The endless questions, and sometimes negative comments aren't worth it.

Everything is 'work'. There are varying degrees of work. Housework for example, I don't think that as work, just shit that needs to be done. Others do think as it as work or a chore. We are both correct. Tabby is correct when she says parenting isn't work, forgetting about who puts in more hours and who does what, there are a lot of differences to paid employment/volunteering and sahp. I'm not trying to undervalue the work sahp do because come on, we give up massive sacrifices for this. Neither side is right or wrong, because it depends on what you as an individual consider as work.

It's like saying being self-employed and employed are exactly the same. In a sense, they are, both provide a wage. But then the differences start to appear once you stop and take a look.