"Well I make 100% of the money"

[sandscript]

Who is BU?

I'm a happy SAHM but this weekend, with storm Dennis, we were stuck indoors with baby and toddler DD.

DH stayed in bed till 2.30pm on Saturday and we had a big row about it. Sunday was much the same, and when we were arguing I said I do 100% of the childcare and need a break or at least some help from time to time. His reply "well I make 100% of the money".

This comment is still really bugging me. I feel like I should get a job just to shut him up and he'll have to do 50% of childcare which he definitely won't.

Creme you’re saying that you know what being a SAHP is like because you’ve been on mat leave. I’m saying you don’t, because you’ve never been a SAHP and the two are totally different. And re-entering the workforce is a massive part of what is essentially a five-year career break. It is absolutely what people should consider when becoming a SAHP.

@gingersausage

Actually my bad I re read my post - I want to rephrase it as “if ONE is sitting at home...” I meant you as in collectively - not you specifically! Sorry!

How long I took is irrelevant here. If I took 2 weeks or a year, it doesnt change the fact that I was looking after my children day in, day out, for a long period of time. As I've said, sahm isnt a phrase you can only use if you do it for longer than a year. Lots of people do it for shorter periods of time, they are still a sahm.

I’ve already explained what the difference is, the formats of your posts are very difficult. Looking after your children 24/7 for two weeks is not the same as looking after them 24/7 for five years. I can’t believe that you’d pretend otherwise.

Outsourcing childcare is something you did because you thought childcare was worth paying someone else for. It’s interesting you didn’t think it was worth it to do it yourself, what with you loving being around your children for six weeks per year and all.

He is BU.

2.30 is not on. You should do 50/50 at weekend. Cleaner does heaving lifting wrt cleaning so it’s more child-related for him on weekend.

But that wouldn’t be the same at all - you wouldn’t be doing the majority of their childcare if they were at school."

You are aware that people call themselves Sahm's when their children attend nursery and school? Or do you think its solely a term for people when their children are from age one to 4?So? How is that relevant to this thread? Is it the term ‘stay at home parent you object to?

Because you seem to be saying you arent a sahm if your child is at school!!

Mat leave is nothing like being a SAHM (in the uk) because you still get paid for it

Not for the vast majority of it you dont. Again, you dont have to be financially dependent on someone to be a sahm.

in the uk you get, usually, six months then three months statutory. That’s money coming in that you have earned. Stat mat pay is 90% for 6 weeks, then 100 odd pound a week for up to 6 months, Mat leave is for a year. You dont get anything for 6 months of it!!!

-" you are not 100% financially dependent on someone else. There is an end point to it. "

Not necessarily. Some people dont go back to work, they then decide to stay at home.again, so? How is that relevant to this thread? What’s your point?
You dont have to be financially dependent on someone to call yourself a sahm. That's what you were saying. It's not true. You are in effect staying at home when on mat leave. You are solely responsible for the children during that time . That's the same as a sahm.

"You go to groups and make friends with people in the same boat, who then go back to work."
You cant do that if you are a stay at home Mum? They can go to groups too?most people who go to groups are grandparents and/or parents who only have one day per week off. Very few groups are aimed at SAHP, so making new friends, particularly if you’re new to an area, is much harder than on mat leave . No. Most groups arent attended by grandparents. Sam's attend them too. Or do they just stay home?

" It’s the difference between going on holiday somewhere and emigrating there."

Never been on holiday for a year!?what?
Again, you are missing the point. Holidays are usually short term for a few weeks. Mat leave is usually for a year.

I mean cleaner does bulk of it.

"I’ve already explained what the difference is, "
You've said what you think the difference is, and I've disagreed. I dont think the term sahm can only be used if you do it for over a year or if you are financially dependant on someone. You can be a sahm for a year, 6 months, or even 3 months, it doesnt mean you arent one.

the formats of your posts are very difficult. Looking after your children 24/7 for two weeks is not the same as looking after them 24/7 for five years. I can’t believe that you’d pretend otherwise.
I havent said it is. I've said it isnt work. To me.

Tabby please stop formatting it like that, you can’t bold and it’s really difficult to read. Mat leave (for a year, max) is different to being a SAHP for five years, in ways I’ve explained many, many times.

That’s why you’re not a SAHM because you did a bit of mat leave. Totally different things.

Some of us do sit around in our pj's all day though. When I had to go out and work, I couldn't randomly have pj days.
Now I have the best of both worlds, I work from home.

"Outsourcing childcare is something you did because you thought childcare was worth payingsomeone elsefor"

Well you have got to pay someone else to look after someone else's children. You dont pay yourself because it's not work to look after your own children .

." It’s interesting you didn’t think it was worth it to do it yourself, what with you loving being around your children for six weeks per year and all."
That's quite a nasty comment. I paid for childcare because I had to work. Is that a bad thing now?

So hang on a minute, the periods I have been parenting mine for 24/7 it hasn't counted because it didn't amount to 5 years?
Or when the ex did it for 18 months it didn't count?

You said upthread that you should have taken more mat leave, why didn’t you? What’s the longest amount of time you’ve spent with your own children in a block?

ffs depends - did you get paid for it? Were you a SAHP or not?

"Tabbyplease stop formatting it like that, you can’t bold and it’s really difficult to read. "

I cant reply to you in to other way. I am replying to each if your comments

"Mat leave (for a year, max) is different to being a SAHP for five years, in ways I’ve explained many, many times."

And as I've explained, you do not just own the title sahm if you are doing it for years . Do you not believe people are a sahm if they only do it for a year? Do you only become one if you hit the 4 or 5 year mark? Of course not. You can call yourself a sahm if you, you know...stay at home. Noone said a years mat leave us similar to 4 or 5 years at home? But it is absolutely the same as a sahm who dies it for a year.

That’s why you’re not a SAHM because you did a bit of mat leave. Totally different things. whilst I was on mat leave, I was looking after my children 24/7, for a long period of time. So I absolutely di know how hard that is, and it was not work. For me.

How long a period of time? Mat leave is not the same as being a SAHP. Did you call yourself a SAHP or did you say you were just on mat leave? When you’re with your children for those six weeks, do you say you’re on holiday or do you say you’re a SAHP?

Are you honestly confused about the difference between someone who provides childcare for their own children for six weeks per year vs fifty two weeks per year?

"You said upthread that you should have taken more mat leave, why didn’t you? What’s the longest amount of time you’ve spent with your own children in a block?"

Why do you need to know? To make out I'm a bad parent or something?
My only point is that I feel looking after my children isnt work. You are trying to say I havent done that for a long period of time Well I have. I've also cared for my partner for a long period of time That's not work either. You have tried to argue that being at home for a year is not the same as a sahm. Well it is. It is absolutely comparable to someone staying at home looking after their children for a year, who might call themselves a sahm. As I've said, you dont just earn the title sahm if you do it for years , you can be a sahm for a year, or less. You'd have a hard time arguing this with a sahm who just happens to have done it for a shorter length of time than you.

Can I ask why you (collectively) had kids.... I am the primary earner and the best bit of my day is getting home and seeing the Fleas. They are awesome, I love them and love spending time with them. When they were little all 4 of us would snuggle up in bed and hang out together.... so what that the housework wasn't done. Now we hang out with them and our friends.

I would prefer on my headstone "loved and dearly missed mother" than "Always had an ironed shirt and clean bog". Priorities people. These are your children that you are arguing over who should spend the least time with them.

Can I ask why you (collectively) had kids.... I am the primary earner and the best bit of my day is getting home and seeing the Fleas. They are awesome, I love them and love spending time with them. When they were little all 4 of us would snuggle up in bed and hang out together.... so what that the housework wasn't done. Now we hang out with them and our friends.

I would prefer on my headstone "loved and dearly missed mother" than "Always had an ironed shirt and clean bog". Priorities people. These are your children that you are arguing over who should spend the least time with them.

"ffswhatnext

So hang on a minute, the periods I have been parenting mine for 24/7 it hasn't counted because it didn't amount to 5 years?
Or when the ex did it for 18 months it didn't count?"
Yes, apparently you werent a sahm then!! Not sure what you were, but apparently you werent a sahm. You only get to call yourself that if you've done it long term!! Who knew?!

Some were maternity. Some weren't.
There was no difference to what we did and didn't do during the day because of maternity leave. I don't see how being on maternity is relevant when you are home 24/7 doing all the house stuff, well aside from the extra cash.

We still had days when we slobbed around in our pj's. Days where we'd decide to pack up and go to the beach. We did lots of things that were spur of the moment. As soon as I returned to work, these things had to be more planned.

When we overslept it wasn't an issue, well until school age. Not like I had a boss to answer to.

I also had more time on my hands when I was a sahm including 3 under school age. And even as a lone parent back then, I managed to study. I tried this when working full time and them a lot older, it was bloody difficult.

And no I didn't have easy children. I had one that would never sleep without body contact and another with sn.

OP, are you planning more children with him? Will you have a well-paid career yourself with a good pension in 2-3 years time? If not, take steps now to ensure you have the training and qualifications to get that well-paid career. These boards are littered with women who went back part-time on minimum wage jobs to have nothing to fall back on in later years when they need it. Get selfish. Childcare costs will be taken from his money - and yours proportionally once working. They are his children and he can pay for them. Look out for you.

I think the fact you can’t answer any questions put to you Tabby proves that you see very clearly where the line is between mat leave and being a SAHP.

"How long a period of time?"

I'm clearly not telling you. Mat leave is for a year.

"Mat leave is not the same as being a SAHP. "

Omg. Yes it is. Think about it. You are looking after children 24/7. How is that not the same?

"Did you call yourself a SAHP or did you say you were just on mat leave?"

Of course I was on mat leave But my point is that you arent getting, is someone could be off for exactly the same length of time as me, and they would call themselves a sahm. It's no different. Both people are looking after children 24/7 for a long period of time, often up to a year.

"When you’re with your children for those six weeks, do you say you’re on holiday or do you say you’re a SAHP?"

You are being silly now. I have never said I was a sahp. I have said I've looked after them for long enough to be able to say it's not work. You seem to think you only know what it's like to look after them if you are a sahp. I dont think that's true.

"Are you honestly confused about the difference between someone who provides childcare for their own children for six weeks per year vs fifty two weeks per year?"
I think you are the confused one. You seem to think you are only a sahp if you do it for 5 years!

"I think the fact you can’t answer any questions put to youTabbyproves that you see very clearly where the line is between mat leave and being a SAHP."
That doesnt make sense. I wont tell you how long as I took as that's my business I took long enough to be able to say I feel it wasnt work.

So what about the parent who has never worked? So there's no actual ML, and they have no intention of joining the workforce?