"Well I make 100% of the money"

[sandscript]

Who is BU?

I'm a happy SAHM but this weekend, with storm Dennis, we were stuck indoors with baby and toddler DD.

DH stayed in bed till 2.30pm on Saturday and we had a big row about it. Sunday was much the same, and when we were arguing I said I do 100% of the childcare and need a break or at least some help from time to time. His reply "well I make 100% of the money".

This comment is still really bugging me. I feel like I should get a job just to shut him up and he'll have to do 50% of childcare which he definitely won't.

Looking after your own kids ‘not that hard’ . I’d be interested to see what that looks like.

But you only do it six weeks out of the year. It’s probably a lot harder if you do more of it.

@Pumperthepumper I pay someone Ofsted registered who is trained to provide a safe and stimulating environment with other children. I have family who would have looked after them for free...and I was a SAHM for a year after mat leave. It seems one way should be understanding but not the other way !!!

I’m sorry but this is ridiculous. Being on mat leave for a year is going to give a pretty good idea of what it’s like to be a sahm, especially if it’s for second and subsequent children. I’ve loved both of my mat leaves. If I quit my job to be a sahm next year, it would be far easier than my mat leave this year as my eldest would be in school.

But that wouldn’t be the same at all - you wouldn’t be doing the majority of their childcare if they were at school. Mat leave is nothing like being a SAHM (in the uk) because you still get paid for it - you are not 100% financially dependent on someone else. There is an end point to it. You go to groups and make friends with people in the same boat, who then go back to work. It’s the difference between going on holiday somewhere and emigrating there.

@Cremebrule

Mat leave is different. Babies under a year are a total kettle of fish to toddlers! Much easier usually - immobile, sleep more during the day, demand less attention. And usually you have other people on mat leave to socialise with. No social pressure or comments re going back to work. No loneliness. No judgement.

I know Shrubsie, it’s pathetic.

Btw I love being at home and find it far better than an office job and I will stay at home indefinitely blah blah blah. It just irritates me that someone who is not a SAHM thinks they can make wanky comments about it not being work WHEN THEY DONT DO IT! 😁

Pumperthepumper I fail to see how things could be so miraculously different for me in 6 months time if I didn’t go back to work that I couldn’t understand what being a sahm would be like.

Current situation. Mat leave: no pay looking after a 3 year old and 11m old.

Hypothetical sahm: child in reception full time and an 18m old.

In both scenarios in financially dependent on my husband and will be when I return to work as I’m the lower earner. There is no way my life would be more stressful in 6m time as a sahm to a school aged child than it is while on mat leave with a baby and pre-schooler.

"Did you pay someone to watch your children? Why? It’s work or it isn’t."

Yes, because its work if someone has to look after someone else's children, I dont see it as work to look after your own children.

"You don’t see it as work because you’ve never provided full time childcare for your own children yourself, you’ve always outsourced it."

I provided full time care whilst on mat leave .
"I don’t visiting my mum as work because I only do it a few times a year.". I see my children more than a few times a year!!! Of course that's not work, that's your Mum. I'm a carer for my partner, I dont view that as work either, he's my partner. I view caring for him and looking after him as I do when I look after my children. I dont view it as work.

" People don’t see it differently"
Yes they do. You do?!

-" most people enjoy being with their own children. But the difference is some people do it full time and some don’t. You don’t. So your opinion on it not being work is baseless, because you’ve no idea how you’d feel doing it more than six weeks out of fifty-two."

I looked after them on mat leave.

"Also, for the third time: how much mat leave did you take? "

How is that relevant? Most mat leave is a year long . Being a sahm isnt a permanent thing, ie you arent just a sahm if you do it for life!! Some people are a sahm for a year, just like when people are on mat leave. When on mat leave you have a baby, which could be argued is harder than being a sahm to say school aged children.

crispysausagerolls And if you’d read my post, you’d see that I’m on my second mat leave with a baby and pre-schooler so yes I do understand that babies can be easier than toddlers. I think my experience now gives me a fairly good insight into what my life as a sahm would be. I can’t see how it could be any more demanding than it is now.

@cremebrule

I was answering your post re the difference between SAHM and Mat leave. That’s it. Not one of my previous posts was directed at you. As I said - I really enjoy being a SAHM and find it easier/better/more rewarding than work. My comments were aimed at another poster who made several snide remarks judging others who described being at home as “work”. I mightn’t describe it as “work” but I can see absolutely why others do - it IS a job. And surely you think so too - your day to day life must be hard work, even if better and easier than your day job.

"Mat leave is different. Babies under a year are a total kettle of fish to toddlers! Much easier usually - immobile, sleep more during the day, demand less attention. And usually you have other people on mat leave to socialise with. No social pressure or comments re going back to work. No loneliness. No judgement."

But often when on mat leave, people will have toddlers to look after too. I didnt have anyone else from work on mat leave at the same time as me to socialise with. It could be argued Sahm's have more people to socialise with as they see more people at the school gates etc and go to baby and toddler groups. Anyway feeling isolated in my book is a different thing to it being work. I get that it's hard and can be isolating at times, but to me that doesnt equate to it being work.

Who do you hang out with just now? Do you have savings? Can you drive and therefor keep in touch with people who now can only meet one afternoon a week? Are you happy to take on responsibility for both children for the next four years? Do you like adult conversation? Do you have much job satisfaction in your paid job? Do you enjoy speaking to colleagues? You need a new hoover, do you buy it or do you check with the sole earner first. You need a new haircut, do you go ahead or check with the main earner first? Are you responsible for childcare, or for childcare plus cooking and housework? If the former, who cooks dinner? If the latter, should you be the only one cooking because the other one is out at work every day? Both children are now in school - what do you do? Retrain? How do you slip seamlessly back into the workplace you left five years ago? Have you kept up-to-date with every moment in your previous job? IT will have moved on in that time, have you kept up with it? I have loads of these.

I don’t understand the hypothetical situation thing. A child in reception (I’m in Scotland so not 100% sure what that is, so I’m going to assume it’s like P1 here) is being looked after already.

"But you only do it six weeks out of the year. It’s probably a lot harder if you do more of it."
I never said it wasnt hard. I said I dont consider it to be work.

Get a weekend job 🥳

I also think on Mat leave that there is much more expectation that the husband will chip in as generally the wife is still contributing financially and it’s a time with a finite date. I see a lot of threads with SAHM where the husband does not feel he needs to lift a finger because he is the sole breadwinner and the children and house are some sort of easy thing the wife has to do. I think describing being a SAHM as a job or work is more helpful to counteract those attitudes - attitudes like one pp earlier who describes being a SAHM as sitting in pyjamas all day if you want to.

How is that relevant? Most mat leave is a year long . Being a sahm isnt a permanent thing, ie you arent just a sahm if you do it for life!! Some people are a sahm for a year, just like when people are on mat leave. When on mat leave you have a baby, which could be argued is harder than being a sahm to say school aged children.

You’re a SAHP when you are no longer being paid for the job you used to do, and are no longer returning to that job. You are now financially dependent on someone else, and you no longer have the outlet of work (good or bad). As I said, it’s the difference between a holiday and emigrating.

It’s interesting you won’t say how much mat leave you took. You say upthread you should have taken longer, why didn’t you?

@crispysausagerolls who the fuck do you think you are to tell me I’m a shit parent??

"But that wouldn’t be the same at all - you wouldn’t be doing the majority of their childcare if they were at school."

You are aware that people call themselves Sahm's when their children attend nursery and school? Or do you think its solely a term for people when their children are from age one to 4?

Mat leave is nothing like being a SAHM (in the uk) because you still get paid for it

Not for the vast majority of it you dont. Again, you dont have to be financially dependent on someone to be a sahm.

-" you are not 100% financially dependent on someone else. There is an end point to it. "

Not necessarily. Some people dont go back to work, they then decide to stay at home.

"You go to groups and make friends with people in the same boat, who then go back to work."
You cant do that if you are a stay at home Mum? They can go to groups too?

" It’s the difference between going on holiday somewhere and emigrating there."

Never been on holiday for a year!?

Pumperthepumper You’re saying I couldn’t understand being a sahm because mat leave is so different. I’m saying I think I can because I’m living it now. And if I were to quit my job and not go back, my responsibilities re childcare would be much less challenging than they are now while I’m on mat leave with two. I’m not saying I can live everyone’s experience as a sahm, I’m not saying it’s not work or hard. I’m just saying that I’ve got a pretty good idea what it would be like for me based on my second mat leave. Many of the questions you posed (other than rejoining the workplace) would be relevant for part-timers or lower earners as well as sahps.

Your thread has been hijacked, op. But do you have the balls to walk out for a while? His lordship would soon realise that the other parent can make him 100% responsible for everything whenever they choose to. He needs to grow up.

But that wouldn’t be the same at all - you wouldn’t be doing the majority of their childcare if they were at school."

You are aware that people call themselves Sahm's when their children attend nursery and school? Or do you think its solely a term for people when their children are from age one to 4? So? How is that relevant to this thread? Is it the term ‘stay at home parent you object to?

Mat leave is nothing like being a SAHM (in the uk) because you still get paid for it

Not for the vast majority of it you dont. Again, you dont have to be financially dependent on someone to be a sahm. in the uk you get, usually, six months then three months statutory. That’s money coming in that you have earned.

-" you are not 100% financially dependent on someone else. There is an end point to it. "

Not necessarily. Some people dont go back to work, they then decide to stay at home. again, so? How is that relevant to this thread? What’s your point?

"You go to groups and make friends with people in the same boat, who then go back to work."
You cant do that if you are a stay at home Mum? They can go to groups too? most people who go to groups are grandparents and/or parents who only have one day per week off. Very few groups are aimed at SAHP, so making new friends, particularly if you’re new to an area, is much harder than on mat leave

" It’s the difference between going on holiday somewhere and emigrating there."

Never been on holiday for a year!? what?

@gingersausage

That’s not what I said...

I said for me personally if I was sitting in my pyjamas day in day out (with a toddler - not a newborn I hasten to add. Totally different time!) and therefore not taking him out, I would feel like a shit parent. Yes. It would be very easy in a lot of ways to sit at home all day with CBeebies on and feeding DS junk. But I don’t think that’s good parenting so I don’t do it - I do things which are exhausting and tedious at times but ultimately what I personally feel are better. Also I can’t bear staying at home all day with a toddler, we both get bored!

"You’re a SAHP when you are no longer being paid for the job you used to do, and are no longer returning to that job. You are now financially dependent on someone else, and you no longer have the outlet of work (good or bad)."

No stay at home means just that...stay at home. You can do that and not be financially dependent on anyone else. As I've said, also, lots of people on maternity dont get paid.
"As I said, it’s the difference between a holiday and emigrating."
It's not really the same thing, no. What you are saying is someone on mat leave isnt looking after their children or staying at home, but someone who is doing the same thing, just not on mat leave, is.

It’s interesting you won’t say how much mat leave you took. You say upthread you should have taken longer, why didn’t you?
How long I took is irrelevant here. If I took 2 weeks or a year, it doesnt change the fact that I was looking after my children day in, day out, for a long period of time. As I've said, sahm isnt a phrase you can only use if you do it for longer than a year. Lots of people do it for shorter periods of time, they are still a sahm.

I’m not saying it’s not work or hard

No, another poster is though!