"Well I make 100% of the money"

[sandscript]

Who is BU?

I'm a happy SAHM but this weekend, with storm Dennis, we were stuck indoors with baby and toddler DD.

DH stayed in bed till 2.30pm on Saturday and we had a big row about it. Sunday was much the same, and when we were arguing I said I do 100% of the childcare and need a break or at least some help from time to time. His reply "well I make 100% of the money".

This comment is still really bugging me. I feel like I should get a job just to shut him up and he'll have to do 50% of childcare which he definitely won't.

You are being silly now. I have never said I was a sahp. I have said I've looked after them for long enough to be able to say it's not work. You seem to think you only know what it's like to look after them if you are a sahp. I dont think that's true.

This whole conversation came about because you were the poster who was so desperate for people to not see childcare as work. It’s only worthy of the title of work if someone else is looking after the children you can’t commit 24/7 care to. You won’t say how long you’ve spent with your children in one go, you won’t admit to seeing where mat leave ends and SAHP begins. This logic is yours, not mine.

"ffsdepends - did you get paid for it? Were you a SAHP or not?"
That's irrelevant. The term stay at home mum, means just that. You can be a sahm if you not financially dependant on someone. You can be a sahm for a short period of time, or a long period of time . It's not time length dependant. It just means you are staying at home. Do you not understand that?

You’re a SAHP if you have left work permanently and are not being paid to be at home to look after your own children. Do you understand that?

The modern-day definition of a stay-at-home mom is someone who may or may not have left the workforce to stay home and raise her children. She may be highly educated and left a six-figure job to stay home. She may be planning on returning to the workforce once her children are older. Or she may have become a stay-at-home mom before ever entering the workforce.

Nothing is that hard if you only do it for a short period of time. It becomes hard work when you do it for months and years at a time.

So then what about parents who get carers allowance to stay at home and care for their children?
Are they also not sahp?

"This whole conversation came about becauseyouwere the poster who was so desperate for people to not see childcare as work."
Not true. I've repeatedly said I get other people dont think the same and that's fine. This whole conversation is about you thinking you are only a sahm if you do it for 5 years or are dependant on someone. Again, not true. I was saying I know what it is like looking after children as I have done so for a long period of time,so I feel justified in having that opinion. You are trying to say I am a bad parent.

" It’s only worthy of the title ofworkif someone else is looking after the childrenyoucan’t commit 24/7 care to. "

Yes, I feel it's not work to look after your own children. I havent swayed from that.

"You won’t say how long you’ve spent with your children in one go"

No I wont. It's irrelevant. I've been with them long enough to have my opinion.

," you won’t admit to seeing where mat leave ends and SAHP begins. This logic is yours, not mine."

You wont admit being on mat leave for a year is sufficient time to be able say you have looked after your children to have an opinion. You wont admit that you can be a sahm for a year or less. you think you are only a sahm if you do it for 5 years!!!

Did the op ever talk to her partner?

This thread should be referenced as a spectacular example of zero empathy from tabby. No one else can ever experience something differently from her. She doesn’t believe it’s possible and you can say what you like but you’re clearly all lying

You’re absolutely right, ffs, you got me. They are still SAHP, because they are full time carers. Are they working or not?

Nothing is that hard if you only do it for a short period of time. It becomes hard work when you do it for months and years at a time.

Tell that to a parent of a newborn who is in NICU.

I feel a bit bad for adding to the derailment of the thread but Pumperthepumper do you really only think that you can only be a sahp if you do it for 5 years plus and never earn an income. If so, you have an unusually tight definition.

I have friends who would absolutely call themselves sahps who don’t fit your definition:

1. a man taking a 6 month career break to be a sahd.
2. a sahm who has independent income through an inherited property she rents out. 3)a friend that works a Saturday but is otherwise with the children all week.
3. A friend that quit her city accountancy job to be a sahm but does the odd bit of book keeping.

I could give many more examples but I really don’t think there is a one size fits all model that encompasses the experience of all sahps.

"Nothing is that hard if you only do it for a short period of time. It becomes hard work when you do it for months and years at a time."
Of course something can be hard. Something being hard is not time dependant. Anyway I didnt say it wasnt hard, I said I dont feel its work.

You wont admit being on mat leave for a year is sufficient time to be able say you have looked after your children to have an opinion. You wont admit that you can be a sahm for a year or less. you think you are only a sahm if you do it for 5 years!!!

Oh god, I’m starting to feel sorry for you. You’re so desperate for an argument, and you can’t format to save your life. Why is this so important to you, do you think? Are you feeling guilty that you didn’t spend enough time with your kids? They won’t care, you had 100% childcare for them remember? You spend six whole weeks a year with them! Plenty of time to understand what it’s like to be around them for the other forty six! And you’ve got a job, which would be doing them a disservice otherwise, as you said.

I feel a bit bad for adding to the derailment of the thread but Pumperthepumper do you really only think that you can only be a sahp if you do it for 5 years plus and never earn an income. If so, you have an unusually tight definition.

No.

If they are caring for their child 24/7. Not working. ML etc are just schematics surely?
There are so many variables in families where one is a sahp. Those who have trust funds or massive inheritances so don't need to go to work, are they also not sahp?

"You’re absolutely right,ffs, you got me. They are still SAHP, because they are full time carers. Are they working or not?"
Omg....I dont think they are working, no. I think I've said that a trillion times. I dont feel I'm working when looking after my own kids. That's what I've been saying. Did we have to go all round the houses!!! I think you've upset millions of sahp, saying you arent sahp if you do it less than 5 years!!!!! Oh my god!!!!

It’s so sad that you don’t see parents caring for their ill or disabled children full time as working ffs. It’s a shame you think it’s so easy for them.

Tabby, do you need a break?

Where did @Pumperthepumper say you aren’t a SAHM unless you’re at home for 5+ years?! I must have missed that...

Surely a SAHM is when you are doing that instead of your job. Not as a paid leave eg maternity, not as a weekend or paid holiday, but because you have left work for an indeterminable period of time to be with them day in day out.

"Oh god, I’m starting to feel sorry for you. You’re so desperate for an argument, and you can’t format to save your life. "

No I cant, my phone wont do it!!

Why is this so important to you, do you think?
It's important to me to explain to you that I dont think the term sahp is only used if you do it for 5 years, or at least definately from age 1 to school age. You also didnt think you are a sahp if your children go to school!!! I could ask why was it important to you to keep saying this!

"Are you feeling guilty that you didn’t spend enough time with your kids? "
No, tgatscquite a nasty thing to say and shows you have nothing sensible to say so jump to the I'm a bad parent.

"They won’t care, you had 100% childcare for them remember? You spend sixwholeweeks a year with them! Plenty of time to understand what it’s like to be aro
und them for the other forty six!

Again quite nasty and you've lost your integrity in the discussion there Remember, I havent berated you for being a sahm.

"Andyou’ve got a job, which would be doing them a disservice otherwise, as you said."

I didnt say that I said I would feel I was doing them a disservice to say they are work . My children arent my wirk. They never will be.

I’m not a SAHP. You need to take a step back Tabby, you’ve obviously got a lot of guilt surrounding the six-weeks per year with your children. They won’t be your work, no, you’ve given that job to someone else.

I didn’t, Crispy. It’s just all they’ve got to argue with.

"Where did@Pumperthepumpersay you aren’t a SAHM unless you’re at home for 5+ years?! I must have missed that..."
She said it, and she hasnt denied it. She prefers to go down the route of saying I'm a bad parent because I work, or because I paid for childcare for them.

"Surely a SAHM is when you are doing that instead of your job. "

Yes, I agree.

"Not as a paid leave eg maternity,"

You arent always paid for a lot of maternity.

"not as a weekend or paid holiday, but because you have left work for an indeterminable period of time to be with them day in day out."

Yes, you have the right word. Indeterminable..so could be short term or long term. Could be for a year or less. Someone on mat leave is still off with them, looking after them, for up to a year. You can be a sahm for up to a year. Both parties would view that as long enough to make a decision if you view it as work or not. She was trying to make out I havent looked after my kids for long enough to make that opinion. I believe I have.

It’s so sad that you don’t see parents caring for their ill or disabled children full time as working ffs. It’s a shame you think it’s so easy for them.

Where did I say that I don't see parents caring for their children as full-time work?
I took a question about asking if they were working, as in the general sense of paid employment.

I also see many parents with children who are ill working. That's even harder trying to manage work and their endless medical appointments, usually in the middle of the bloody day, thus resulting in a whole day taken unpaid.

I know how bloody hard it is. Hence at times, I've been a sahp, and so did the ex. One of the reasons why I am now SE, because well we need the money.

Another thing as well about sahm/working, your own health. Big cheer when it was a school day. They already knew how to pour a bowl of cereal and could get themselves dressed between them. I could chuck something over my pj's drop them to school and home back to bed. When the children were at home, ok not ideal, duvet and junk day. Ok not easy but doable. At least I wouldn't have to then deal with the manager and be put on some stupid warning.

I think the ‘tit for tat’ arguments are pretty much irrelevant. The point is that he is a husband and father and part of a family and therefore you would expect him to want to get up and interact with his family before 2.30pm on his only two days off in a week.

@Gruffalo45 put it perfectly further up the thread -

*Putting the job and earnings aside (but I do think he is out if order.)

I wouldn't want to be with someone so disinterested in the kids we had together. Surely they want to spend time with their dad???*

"You’re a SAHP if you have left work permanently and are not being paid to be at home to look after your own children. Doyouunderstand that?"

No that's not entirely true. As another poster said, you can be a stay at home mum if you have savings, or income coming in from a house let, or if you do a few hours bookeeping a week. Or if you just work on a Saturday. Your definition is too tight