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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To miss my best friend's wedding

196 replies

YouTubeIsYourMotherNow · 16/02/2020 22:17

DH's friends told us months ago that they would be having their wedding in Cyprus on a Friday in June 2021. I told my best friend this in December as soon as I found out the date because she was recently engaged. Now she has booked her wedding for the Saturday of the same weekend near her family home which is nowhere near an airport. I'd have to leave the Cyprus wedding early, leaving behind my husband and DS who is 2, and catch a late night flight to London then a lift with a friend the next day to make it. I'm not sure DH can cope with DS alone on a flight either.
She is like a sister to me. We lived together for 4 years before I got married and was my maid of honour. Absolutely went above and beyond when it was my turn. However DHs friend is someone he's known since childhood and he absolutely has to go.

AIBU to honour the initial commitment of going to the Cyprus wedding and miss my friend's wedding entirely?

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 17/02/2020 08:12

If you've accepted an invite to one wedding it would be very rude to turn round and say I'm not coming now, I've got another wedding instead. It's like being dropped for a better offer.

HoneyCupcake · 17/02/2020 08:13

My best friend was terminally ill at my wedding. She still made it bless her and I couldn’t have done it without her- she passed away a year later and I miss her so much.

Go to your best friends wedding.

Winter2020 · 17/02/2020 08:15

I would go to Cyprus in this case. Not because of the weddings but because I would be looking forward to making a holiday of it with my partner and child. It seems that you haven't took your child on a flight yet and if you are not likely to get away abroad together that summer unless it was Cyprus I wouldn't want to miss it. I would make it a proper holiday for two weeks if I could - staying somewhere affordable not necessarily where the wedding party is staying if that is expensive. Your first resort holiday with your child in and out of the pool all day, kids disco in the evening etc is very special.

MrsFezziwig · 17/02/2020 08:16

So basically you missed out most of the important details in your OP (no proper invitation for Cyprus wedding, the fact that you’d already spoken to your friend, the fact that DH clearly would be capable of looking after DS as he does this regularly).
Quite amusing watching posters question your friendship on the strength of it though.

strawberry2017 · 17/02/2020 08:16

Make sure your DS is actually invited to both weddings.
Coz the last thing you want to do it say you will take him and then find kids are not invited!

SlippersAndThePaper · 17/02/2020 08:30

Why not put all that in your original post? Hmm

Damntheman · 17/02/2020 08:42

Absolutely @strawberry2017!

I had this when I was pregnant with my first. Invited to two weddings in the UK (I do not live in the UK) but three weeks apart so I couldn't do both due to holiday restrictions from work. Both initially said baby could come (the second invite even had it officially stated on the invitation). I chose the first wedding because the friend was a closer friend. Nearer the time I contacted her to ask about nearby hotels in case baby was fussy so DH could take him out - she changed her mind, baby wasn't invited. She expected me to leave a breastfed 7 week old with my elderly parents 2 hours from the venue. Nope. So I missed out on both due to miscommunication. Def check!

MyOtherProfile · 17/02/2020 08:56

I'll probably keep DS with me and get to my friend's wedding, plus or minus hitch along for a Cyprus holiday and return well in advance of friend's wedding day.

Perfect solution. You get a family holiday and you each get to be at your friends' weddings.

shinyredbus · 17/02/2020 08:59

Drip drip. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Go to friends wedding. Let your husband go to his friends wedding.

thecatsthecats · 17/02/2020 09:03

If you have told them you are going to the wedding in Cyprus then you have RSVP'd.

Nonsense. Anyone with sense organising a wedding abroad - indeed, a wedding anywhere - knows that the first thing everyone does is say 'great, we'll be there'. They'd be utterly unreasonable to think that splitting attendance isn't the right thing to do in these circumstances.

I don't think I'd want to be friends with someone who got huffy in those circumstances.

MindyStClaire · 17/02/2020 09:07

How on earth is OP drip feeding?

74NewStreet · 17/02/2020 09:17

What do you mean, you’ve “only” verbally accepted? It’s not a contract; you’ve told them you’ll be there. Presumably you’d have the manners to tell them if you change your mind, so the fact that you haven’t put it in writing is a total irrelevance.

Mittens030869 · 17/02/2020 09:25

I hate the accusation of drip feeding personally. For one thing it has a tendency to lead to very off putting lengthy essays as first posts, 'so as not to drip feed'. In addition, in this case it really doesn't appear to have been in any way deliberate.

I also really hate the way some posters try to rile up OPs into turning against close friends, it sometimes seems to be purely because they feed off the drama and want to turn it into a soap opera.

FWIW, OP, I'm in agreement with the majority here that you should go to your best friend's wedding on your own whilst your DH goes to his friends' wedding. My DH and I have done that before, admittedly it wasn't 2 overseas weddings and it was before our DDs were here.

yellowallpaper · 17/02/2020 10:10

DH goes to his friends and you go to yours. Get a family member to babysit DS

AryaStarkWolf · 17/02/2020 10:13

Agree with PPs, you go to hers/he goes to his, what's the problem?

thecatsthecats · 17/02/2020 11:57

I also really hate the way some posters try to rile up OPs into turning against close friends, it sometimes seems to be purely because they feed off the drama and want to turn it into a soap opera.

Agreed. CF threads are the worst for this. An army of people dissecting the nuance of every last word (reported by the OP), and crowd-sourcing a diagnosis and response to one person who's probably confused by why their friend is suddenly acting out of character (because if you copy someone else's words you will sound out of character).

It's not to say that people don't get good advice, but more often I'd say they're needlessly wound up into a position of no return from something that was easily salvageable.

Nowayorhighway · 17/02/2020 12:04

Your DH definitely can cope with his son on a flight Hmm.

You could either go to separate weddings or both attend the one abroad since you’ve presumably already RSVP’d and you got that invitation first.

Tabbykitty · 17/02/2020 12:31

2 isn't an easy age for taking your child to a formal wedding or on a flight by yourself. Younger baby or school age child easier.

I would go to the Cyprus wedding together with your DH where you can take it in turns with your DS and make it in to a holiday.

Your friend sounds understanding, you could do something special with her before her big day and your trip away.

If you do go to your best friend's wedding I'd recommend taking a different plus one (relative, friend) or having someone on standby to collect DS if he's unsettled. A tantrum throwing 2 year old exhausted by recent flights not easy to manage on your own at a wedding if you need them to be quiet at special moments and keep to the bride and groom's schedule. You could ensure having a hotel room to take him back to but then if you miss the wedding/reception you might as well be in Cyprus anyway!

MrsP2015 · 17/02/2020 14:09

I wonder (if like some others said) your friend isn't really that bothered about you being there? For example does she feel you are prettier/ slimmer for example than her? Believe me I've seen brides not want to have certain people on photos/ as bridesmaids for fear of being shadowed which I kind of get- it's the brides day after all.
Or does she not want children at the wedding?

Seems very strange she knew the date and still did this.

My opinion is to go as a family to the same wedding whichever it is you choose.

thecatsthecats · 17/02/2020 14:19

@MrsP2015

What an inventive way to look for spite, when the most simple explanation is that the bride and groom simply couldn't accommodate the date needs of EVERYONE ON THE GUESTLIST. Or, as the OP says, just forgot.

bigchris · 17/02/2020 14:26

Brilliant

Op answered her own dilemma in her latest post

No more need for catty comments everyone Grin

bigchris · 17/02/2020 14:27

I'll probably keep DS with me and get to my friend's wedding, plus or minus hitch along for a Cyprus holiday and return well in advance of friend's wedding day

Brilliant solution, you're right no one will mind

HeadachesByTheDozen · 17/02/2020 15:19

@thecatsthecats Don't be so naive. She's her best friend! OP messaged ahead of time, so her friend would know. Bullshit she 'forgot'. I think some people came down in the last shower. To pick that date, out of a year and half's worth of dates? Give over. Forgot, my arse.

JingsMahBucket · 17/02/2020 15:41

@headachesbythedozen you’re trying too hard.

thecatsthecats · 17/02/2020 15:42

@HeadachesByTheDozen

Naive? Nope. I am one of life's 'forgetters'. I forget stuff. Even important stuff. That's why I find it perfectly possible that there is another person on the planet who forgets stuff.

I've also planned a wedding. I know that when you've wiped out dates you can't afford, and all days except Saturdays, and major family events, there are usually only 2-3 dates that actually work well in a given year. My wedding wasn't the only thing in my life either. In fact, in the few months before I set the date I was under severe mental stress. The worst in my life - related to a diabolical work situation. I imagine I heard a lot of things I just forgot in that period in a constant fug of anxiety.

But feel free to run around feeling offended on OP's behalf. I'm sure you know her friend better than she does.