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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To miss my best friend's wedding

196 replies

YouTubeIsYourMotherNow · 16/02/2020 22:17

DH's friends told us months ago that they would be having their wedding in Cyprus on a Friday in June 2021. I told my best friend this in December as soon as I found out the date because she was recently engaged. Now she has booked her wedding for the Saturday of the same weekend near her family home which is nowhere near an airport. I'd have to leave the Cyprus wedding early, leaving behind my husband and DS who is 2, and catch a late night flight to London then a lift with a friend the next day to make it. I'm not sure DH can cope with DS alone on a flight either.
She is like a sister to me. We lived together for 4 years before I got married and was my maid of honour. Absolutely went above and beyond when it was my turn. However DHs friend is someone he's known since childhood and he absolutely has to go.

AIBU to honour the initial commitment of going to the Cyprus wedding and miss my friend's wedding entirely?

OP posts:
partofthepeanutgallery · 17/02/2020 00:13

Send your DH to Cyprus (only 1 plane ticket!) for his friend's wedding.

Go to your best friend's wedding.

Find a babysitter. You have plenty of time to plan that.

74NewStreet · 17/02/2020 00:22

I don’t think I’d regret missing a wedding that appeared to have been scheduled to ensure I’d miss it!

ddl1 · 17/02/2020 00:26

I would recommend going separately, unless there's a strong reason otherwise.

Windinmyhair · 17/02/2020 00:27

What did she say when you reminded her of the clash?

thenightsky · 17/02/2020 00:33

You told her your 'avoid' dates and she went with one of them. She's not bothered about you attending, clearly.

Harakeke · 17/02/2020 00:37

Split up - a wedding each.

Why won't your DH be able to cope with a 2yo on his own?!

Thewarrenerswife · 17/02/2020 00:44

You told her you had a commitment on a particular date, and she chose it anyway. I’d go with your husband and child to the Cyprus wedding and enjoy it as a family. Had you not alerted her to the date you couldn’t do, I’d have said each go to your respective friends weddings. Perhaps she was hoping to save money, knowing your husband wouldn’t go? Make your choice and don’t look back. If she’s a good friend she’ll support the decision she’s forced upon you.

HoHoHolly · 17/02/2020 00:44

You go to your friend's wedding, DH goes to Cyprus, one of you has the toddler with you TBC.

ilovedjerrymore · 17/02/2020 00:52

I would find it extremely odd that your best friend would pick the one weekend that you have already told her you can’t doHmm

Depending on the actual friendship I would continue with the wedding you have already said you would go to (if you have already rsvped).

Does your friend like your partner? Sounds like she is trying to see which way you go if pulled to me? Confused

Didshereally · 17/02/2020 02:08

YouTubeIsYourMotherNow Did you mean to type June 2021 -which is 16 months away when your DS will be 3 1/2 years old - or did you mean to type June 2020 -when your DS will be 2 1/2 and is 4 months away, is this year?

If both weddings are same weekend in June 2021, then really I would go to your BFF's. No-one's wedding invites will have even been printed and sent yet!! Your DH can go to his old friend's wedding and you yours ... DS goes with his Dad to that wedding (a boys trip!) or DS stays with you... Things change... so DH's friend should understand you'd have to be at your closest friends wedding.

If it was June 2020, 4 months away and you'd already booked your flights & accommodation already for the wedding as a mini family holiday, your dilemma is a little bit tougher.

It's not brilliant your BFF booked her wedding in the only weekend that month you pre-warned her you couldn't do, but she'll have had limited dates from venue and others too.

Chage · 17/02/2020 02:40

What did she say about it?

Italiangreyhound · 17/02/2020 03:24

Which wedding do you want to go to? That's the one I'd go to.

I doubt I'd encourage my dh to take our young child abroad without me so I'd get stuck with the child if I opted for the non-Cyprus one.

But I'd go for the one I wanted to go for.

Your friend knew you were not free and picked that date! I;d feel sad but I'd also think, why pick the one date you know I cannot do!

Bibijayne · 17/02/2020 03:29

Have you already booked flights and accommodation to Cyprus? If so, you will probably need to miss your friend's wedding. If not, then you could send your DH to the other wedding and go to your friends. In fairness, you did tell her sashes in advance of when you'd not be free.

grisen · 17/02/2020 03:41

To those saying they booked their weddings around best friends and family. Damn!

Are you all only children? Because combined we have 10 siblings, 4 parents, 4 grandparents and a greatgrabdparent. We can’t even decide on where to get married that’s convenient for all of them, let alone a convenient time for half of them to attend.

Durgasarrow · 17/02/2020 04:00

Go to your friend's wedding. Seriously. You'll have a great time. Your husband doesn't need you, this other person isn't your best friend. Be with your friend.

habibihabibi · 17/02/2020 04:15

The Cyprus wedding is June 2021 so nobody could have booked flights yet.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 17/02/2020 04:30

You sound like you'd rather be with your family and that's fine - I don't think you're unreasonable. It's just bad luck.

PersonaNonGarter · 17/02/2020 04:34

Go to different weddings.

Your friend has given you plenty of warning - it is hardly last minutes.

Wallywobbles · 17/02/2020 04:47

My SIL didn't come to my wedding she went to her nephews christening. My invite was first. I did/do understand and my DB made it very briefly. In your shoes I'd stay for your friends wedding, with or without your son.

Starfish28 · 17/02/2020 04:53

You are being unreasonable for the comment:
I'm not sure DH can cope with DS alone on a flight either

Why on earth wouldn't he be able to?

PianoTuner567 · 17/02/2020 05:29

I don’t think it’s a big deal. Go to one wedding each.

I’m not even going to comment on the idea that a dad can’t cope alone with his own child.

orangejuicer · 17/02/2020 05:35

YANBU. She knew the date so can't be surprised if you miss it.

HeadachesByTheDozen · 17/02/2020 05:45

Are you sure she's your friend? It sounds like she did this deliberately. You gave her a heads up on the date you and your DH will be attending a wedding in Cyprus, a year and a half away.

She chose THAT very weekend, as her date. She chose that date, in advance, a whole year and a half early (so it's not as if it was a quick scramble for a date that is in this June).

Sorry honey but that is without a doubt, deliberate and spiteful. Is she by any chance jealous of you, jealous you will be going to Greece?

I would go to the Cyprus one. Firstly, you have already accepted and planned for it. Secondly, because.....stuff her, she chose the very weekend a whole year and a half away you told her about, so she'd know not to choose it. She did choose that specific one. So, having made the effort to tell her, you should not feel guilty at all. And you should not allow yourself or allow her or others, to make you feel guilty. You told her, you did everything you could. She chose that date out of jealousy and spite, and to me, you've done your bit, you have nothing to feel guilty of by going to Cyprus. Only you know her but I would wonder what on earth she was playing at. And I wouldn't let her win at her game, whatever it is.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 17/02/2020 05:57

*She chose THAT very weekend, as her date. She chose that date, in advance, a whole year and a half early (so it's not as if it was a quick scramble for a date that is in this June).

Sorry honey but that is without a doubt, deliberate and spiteful.*

Or she knew she wanted to get married next summer and there was limited availability on dates?

Brazi103 · 17/02/2020 06:23

I would go with my DH. It would really bother me why she picked that very weekend when I let her know immediately that I would be unavailable. It sounds like she did it deliberately. She couldnt have been too concerned about you attending knowing that you are unavailable.
I wouldnt want to leave my family either.