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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To miss my best friend's wedding

196 replies

YouTubeIsYourMotherNow · 16/02/2020 22:17

DH's friends told us months ago that they would be having their wedding in Cyprus on a Friday in June 2021. I told my best friend this in December as soon as I found out the date because she was recently engaged. Now she has booked her wedding for the Saturday of the same weekend near her family home which is nowhere near an airport. I'd have to leave the Cyprus wedding early, leaving behind my husband and DS who is 2, and catch a late night flight to London then a lift with a friend the next day to make it. I'm not sure DH can cope with DS alone on a flight either.
She is like a sister to me. We lived together for 4 years before I got married and was my maid of honour. Absolutely went above and beyond when it was my turn. However DHs friend is someone he's known since childhood and he absolutely has to go.

AIBU to honour the initial commitment of going to the Cyprus wedding and miss my friend's wedding entirely?

OP posts:
Brazi103 · 17/02/2020 06:26

What headaches said. In fact dh sibling did the very same thing.
He let them know a year in advance about an event we would be attending. the sibling then chose the very same wedding date. It was deliberate and a power play. Sibling was shocked when we simply said that we unfortunately wont be attending.
They eventually changed their date but the message was sent that we wont be playing stupid games.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 17/02/2020 06:27

Maybe this was the only date that the venue they wanted had available

KatherineJaneway · 17/02/2020 06:30

Unless there's a backstory, there's no evidence that beat friend chose the date deliberately. Surely there would be a number of other factors at play as to what date was picked.

Have you already both agreed to attend the other wedding?

heartsonacake · 17/02/2020 06:40

I suppose the practical solution is you attend each wedding separately; so DH goes to Cyprus and you to your best friends.

However, I would be annoyed that she deliberately picked the one date you couldn’t do and be tempted to say “well, tough shit. I did tell you.”

MyOtherProfile · 17/02/2020 06:44

Have you reminded friend you're already booked that weekend?

MindyStClaire · 17/02/2020 06:45

I wouldn't slate the best friend for the date. We have a tiny family on both sides and no significant other family events the year we got married and it was an utter nightmare to choose a date between my professional exams, school dates, university exam dates etc etc. I think we ended up with two choices out of a whole summer.

If it's possible, split up and go to one each. Most people in your DH's friends shoes would completely understand, especially since your DH would actually be going.

If you can't get a baby sitter for the weekend (oh the luxury of all of the posters blithely assuming that's easy!) I guess bring your son with you since that will presumably involve fewer nights away and less travel time.

MrsP2015 · 17/02/2020 06:51

Did you remind her about the wedding you're already at?

What did she say?

Appletreehouse · 17/02/2020 06:53

Have you paid/booked a flight and holiday to other wedding? If so then I think you sadly miss your friends wedding as I would not be happy about plans for a family holiday changing.

You can still do hen/planning/post wedding photo evening etc with friend. On the actual day it's sad you'll miss it but I had a Friday wedding and some friends couldn't get time off work but it wasn't a big problem. I also remember feeling so busy on my wedding day rushing round seeing everyone, including relatives who had travelled from abroad or I hadn't seen for years, that actually I didn't spend much time with my friends! I got married pre kids at a time in my life when we used to see them a few times a week socialising so
nobody minded really. I don't think it will matter all that much if you're there or not on the day, you've made a commitment, it's not about whose wedding you value more.

Beautiful3 · 17/02/2020 07:10

I would go to the Cyprus one. Because you agreed to go to that one first, and have book and paid for flights and accommodation. I dont think it's fair to leave your husband alone with a small child. You both agreed to go together, so go together. Can you explain to your friend that you're in Cyprus then at another friends wedding. Has she already sent out invites?

Damntheman · 17/02/2020 07:22

I'd go to Cyprus. She KNEW when you were going to be away for so this can't be put on you.

I also totally get why DH wouldn't want to do a flight alone with a 3 year old. I wouldn't want to either! Could I? Well yes, a solo parent could probably survive most things if they had to. Would I WANT to? Hell no.

Alez · 17/02/2020 07:25

Go to the weddings separately. I wouldn't read anything into her picking a date that clashed. When booking weddings there are so many people you would need to think about avoiding date clashes for that I think most people don't bother except for very immediate family. Especially if you have your heart set on a particular venue, it may only have a few dates available.

TryingToBeBold · 17/02/2020 07:30

Everyone saying the best friend deliberately and purposely did this knowing OP couldn't make it.. is totally missing the point.
A family meal is bloody hard enough.
Best friend could have been given 2 "unable to attend dates" by every important family member... what's she meant to do then. Book it for another year in advance or go for the date the least amount of people are likely to miss.. unfortunately OP may have to miss it.

Stop being a martyr in that you're the only one who could look after DS on a flight. Go to separate weddings and get someone to baby sit. Or go to both. I'm sure daddy can cope.. if you let him..

TryingToBeBold · 17/02/2020 07:31

@Damntheman "wanting" to do the flight with a toddler was not mentioned. It was about being unable to cope..

Disfordarkchocolate · 17/02/2020 07:32

Me, I stick to what I've agreed to do.

Original poster
YouTubeIsYourMotherNow · 17/02/2020 07:39

Thank you all for the input. Just as clarification we haven't yet booked anything for the wedding abroad and have only verbally accepted the invitation so no formal RSVPs. I'd given my friend the date via a text message in Dec and amongst the stress of booking it had slipped her mind, and she's completely apologetic and would be totally understanding whatever I chose to do.
People have made a fair point that I'm probably not giving DH enough credit as he probably could cope and routinely looks after DS alone for full days. As background DS is our first and only and I have absolutely no idea what a 2 year old is like on a flight.
I think given nobody is likely to mind too much what I do, I'll probably keep DS with me and get to my friend's wedding, plus or minus hitch along for a Cyprus holiday and return well in advance of friend's wedding day.

OP posts:
Gooseysgirl · 17/02/2020 07:51

Go to the weddings separately and get someone to look after you've child (if at that point you've got someone you can leave them with without them becoming distressed). It's unfortunate that the dates clash, but you can't miss your best friend's wedding!

Pinkyyy · 17/02/2020 07:51

I get the feeling she's not that bothered about you being there, of she's booked a date when she knows you're out of the country.

villamariavintrapp · 17/02/2020 07:52

You could go seperate my, but personally I'd go to Cyprus. I'd pick a holiday over a wedding any day.

Dozer · 17/02/2020 07:55

You would have had more YABUs if you’d stated in your OP that you hadn’t yet even RSVPd for the Cyprus wedding. It’s a close friend.

FinallyHere · 17/02/2020 07:57

I'm not sure DH can cope with DS alone on a flight either.

Regardless of anything else, this jumped out at me. Has he ever had sole charge ? Is he a nervous traveller ?

Most parents learn by doing. Hope he wants to and gets the chance to be a full parent.

NoSharon · 17/02/2020 08:01

It's a year and a half away!

xoxoluna · 17/02/2020 08:04

Since nothing is booked, go separately. You to your best friend's wedding, your husband to his friend's wedding.

PlumsGalore · 17/02/2020 08:04

I would go separate too, I would also find a babysitter for the Saturday wedding if I could.

Damntheman · 17/02/2020 08:09

Yes @TryingToBeBold, turn of phrase is indeed a thing. Not everything has to be taken literally as word for word. It was clear to me that OP would simply feel guilty leaving DH to do the flight alone with a toddler and she also wouldn't particularly fancy the experience. A very normal feeling. I'd feel the same.

Disfordarkchocolate · 17/02/2020 08:11

If you have told them you are going to the wedding in Cyprus then you have RSVP'd.

I'd still go to Cyprus, a wedding on my own would be no fun. A wedding on my own with a small child would be more punishment than fun.