to be a bit annoyed at my partner for behaviour whilst drunk

[zenhamster]

My boyfriend who is usually wonderful ... was going out for a few drinks for his friend's birthday in town around 3pm to meet everyone, I drove him into town and he was planning to get get a taxi back at 8pm or 9pm.
I was staying at his house because we live an hour's drive away from each other, because of the storm, and we had planned to do stuff together on Sunday (today) as well.

He sent me a pic and we had a few banter-y messages .... then from 9pm onwards I didn't hear anything for a few hours.. around 10pm I started getting tired but was a bit on edge, as I knew he might come in and wake me up & I had no idea if he was coming back imminently or perhaps... much later eg. 2am..

I was just getting into bed at 11.30pm and he called me, but he could hardly speak... lots of long silences... said he's waiting for his taxi.. I gently suggested perhaps it's easier if he stays in town at his friend's house (who he was with) if he's really drunk..and I'll come get him tomorrow..

When he then came in at midnight he was paraletic drunk... falling everywhere, slurring, could hardly speak, eyes rolling in head, I was worried as he was bashing into everything, worried he was going to fall down stairs. He came and sat next to me on the bed and as he was trying to talk to me he lurched towards me/fell and headbutted me on my cheekbone by accident, I sort of had to hold him up, he was trying to talk to me but was slurring and eyes rolling, kept nearly passing out mid sentence.
He made it into bed and he passed out unconscious right in middle, with heavy arms over on my side/head nearly all on my pillow.. not enough room really for me lie comfortably..
I tried to move him over... he was breathing really heavily and the storm was raging and my adrenaline was going because it wasn't nice to see him like that. So I couldn't fall asleep until 2am.

Just as I was falling asleep he then sat bolt upright and stumbled downstairs again... crashing around and sounded like he was being sick... then he turned all upstairs lights on again in bedroom as he came back in.
I was a bit cross at this point as it was torture being woken up just as I was falling asleep after nearly 2 hours me lying there trying to sleep. So I turned the lights off and he had a go at me saying he can't make it to other side of bed without the overhead lights on.. so he sat down on the floor by the bed and was just being a bit belligerent and rude...
Again this made my adrenaline go because I previously had an abusive relationship so my tolerance for raised voices/harsh words is very low.
I also have a 5 year old (at her Dad's this weekend) who has been keeping me up at night so I really couldn't cope with him keeping me up too... felt like I'd rather just be at home but couldn't leave with storm.

This morning he immediately felt poorly when we woke up... and said "Sorry. I love you. Was I bad?". I had just woken up so I just kind of rolled my eyes and groaned a bit.
Because of this micro-reaction from me he went on the defensive being quite angry, obnoxious... almost being a bit nasty with me ... he said like a teenager "Sorry I'm just sulking now because I don't like being told off". I said "When did I tell you off?" (I was very kind and benign when he did returned home and didn't tell him off at all despite being annoyed). He said I told him off with my disappointed face, the way I was looking at him.
He went downstairs to make tea and toast, still drunk and feeling awful I imagine, crashing around .. kind of trying to pretend he was ok.. I said thank you for toast but just felt like I had to stay out of his way and didn't really like this version of him.

I wanted to just go home & see him again when we're both had some sleep, and I wanted to avoid a row so I decided I was going to go home as I'd rather be in my own space... I was trying to honour what I needed... and just remove myself because I felt uncomfortable, exhausted and a bit cross/upset still.

I kindly/calmly relayed this to him and said we'll speak later when we're both feeling better, he got angry and dramatic and was oscillating between "I'm sorry, I love you" to then in the next sentence "Well this isn't going to work is it when we live together if this happens every time I go out, or if you just leave every time there's a problem, I know I got too drunk and I didn't plan it but it's just one night" etc etc.

The thing is he knows I don't really drink.. maybe the odd one or two very occasionally.. and I find it hard being around people who are VERY drunk - obviously he's a grown man and he can do what he wants but I'd rather not be around it, and was genuinely worried about him hurting himself ... his Dad is an alcoholic and he has relayed to me how scary he found it when he was younger when his Dad came home paraletic and lurching around the house falling on the floor and being rude to his Mum etc, so I thought he'd understand how I felt being the sober one who had someone come home like that.

When I actually did leave after he saw me putting my shoes on and was panicking that I was leaving he said "fine ! go !" and I said "ok now you are shouting at me and telling me to go ...." and he said "I'm not shouting ! I'm not angry at you.. " and I said "well you have been angry and shouting this morning and I don't like it" and he said "I've not been angry, I made you tea and toast!" (still drunk kind of... but starting to see how he's upset me).....
He hugged me and said "Your heart is beating really fast.. I'm sorry...." and I said "I just need to go home now and do what's right for me and what I need right now" and he then switched again to "Well fine maybe I'll start doing more of what's right for me!" like a teenager having a tantrum.

He did then text me saying "regardless of any anger or upset please let me know the second you get home. no game playing. so I know you're safe x" which I did.

I just feel so many doubts about this relationship now and whether we're right for each other... I love him and he's not a bad person but maybe I can't be around someone who drinks like this, perhaps it's just too triggering for me ?

......and your CHILD isn't his REHAB either...

You lost me at 42. C'mon, OP, open your eyes. PP have with lots of life experience have given you the benefit of their wisdom. Take their good advice.

@niceclock some really good points... thank you. Honestly I am taking this all on board. I keep coming back to this thread and re-reading all responses.

Just an update though... when you said: "and he's already setting you up to accept his bad behaviour, by telling you that you're unreasonable to dislike his drinking, that he doesn't get that drunk that often, you're telling him off and that's why he's in a mood: He has now explained that he is ashamed of his initial reactivity/defensiveness and he can see this was caused by shame at his own behaviour - not excusing but just explaining that that's where that came from and that he knows it is unacceptable.

and also he does drive a car... I just drove him into town so that he would then get a taxi back. He offered to get the bus into town instead, but I said I'd drive him as there was some things I wanted to do in town also. He has been engaged when he was in his 30s, but after 3 or 4 years he said they were like best friends who lived together and no sex life... they had lost attraction sexually because there wasn't that much passion to begin with it sounds like...and both decided to part ways and not get married. That's obviously just his story of the breakup though. This ex still visits his Mum for cups of tea and brings her twin babies to visit... they are on good terms etc. Last 2 serious girlfriends - one sounded like younger and party-girl which he didn't gel well with... she cheated on him. And the girlfriend before me 2 years ago was in the film industry and turned out to be a high functioning cocaine user and he left her when things started getting messy in her life due to her habit which he said he didn't know about until a year into the relationship because they were long distance and it only became apparent when he moved in with her. Then he was single 2 years before meeting me... said he had sort of given up on meeting someone... we both live in quite rural areas and he said he had realised he had a pattern of putting everything into his relationship and perhaps not learning to love himself so that's when he started doing creative stuff again.. and got into the band so spend 2 years being alone and being in the band and resigned himself to probably not meeting anyone but trying to work on himself and get to a point where he could be happy being alone.

Also I'm not just paying this lip service when I say I'm being wary... I honestly am finding it very hard to summon up the loving feelings I had towards him now. I am seeing him tonight and he's been messaging me lovely apologetic messages and saying he wants to give me a calm, happy future with none of this ever happening again and that he will work hard to show me through his actions that the real him is not that drunken idiot but the lovely person I've been getting to know and all the lovely, selfless, thoughtful, fun, caring behaviour that he has shown so far is the real him.

But I just feel numb... I am finding it hard to feel like I want to be close to him now and I'm not sure I can get past this actually. Can't seem to summon warm, happy, positive feelings about him right now at all. I can't fix him or spend my time worrying about what he needs/what he's doing. I told him I already have a tantruming child and I don't need an adult version to deal with also.

My gut is telling me that he deserves another chance based on everything else of his character that I've seen but I've already told him we need to slow down and perhaps not spend anymore time with my daughter at this stage apart from maybe meeting up with other people and their kids in a casual way in a group of friends... do he doesn't completely disappear so it's not weird for DD to think well where did he go...but just dial down the intensity massively in the relationship so I can reassess.

I told him if he doesn't want to be held to high standards and feel assessed then he shouldn't date a single parent because I have more than just myself to think about and I'd rather by alone forever than have my daughter negatively affected by someone else's shitty choices and lack of self control. I said now you know where the line is so it's your choice...make some changes to your drinking habits and turn it back down to a low level if not give up completely and if you can't sustain that, then this relationship won't go anywhere.

I've been reading this thread closely because it's close to my own experiences. My XH was a very immature guy who, when he drinks, has no off switch and becomes a massive knob. I didn't even try to bring him to heel like you've doing though. Such regrets.

I didn't even try to bring him to heel like you've doing though.

It doesn't work, not one tiny bit.

@wrongsideofhistorymyarse that's what I figured at the time. Wish I'd just left.

My brother in law is an abusive, cocaine addict alcoholic. He is an absolute scumbag.

But even he an turn on the waterworks. He feels shame and remorse and makes promises never to do or say those kinds of things again. And he fully means them St the time he says them. It makes no difference when the drink and drugs take over again though. His ex wife has long since moved on from believing a word he says.

So now he has moved on to promising their children. He'll never drink again. He's sorry. He didn't mean to let them down. He didn't show up because he was sick. He didn't call because he lost his phone. Although the phone always seems to eventually find its was home 🤷🏻‍♀️

Words are easy. A someone who is used to doing as they please get very good at telling people what they want to hear, so that they can continue doing as they please.

This MIGHT be a one off random never to be repeated event. He might truly be ashamed. I think for your own sake you do have to give him a chance to see what happens. Be clear with yourself though how many chances you're willing to give him. If you start hearing the same apologies regularly then you need to look at the person he is showing you he is, not the person he's telling you he is.

@tellmewhothevilliansare
Thanks for your insights... yes I absolutely agree with you xxx thank you