to be a bit annoyed at my partner for behaviour whilst drunk

[zenhamster]

My boyfriend who is usually wonderful ... was going out for a few drinks for his friend's birthday in town around 3pm to meet everyone, I drove him into town and he was planning to get get a taxi back at 8pm or 9pm.
I was staying at his house because we live an hour's drive away from each other, because of the storm, and we had planned to do stuff together on Sunday (today) as well.

He sent me a pic and we had a few banter-y messages .... then from 9pm onwards I didn't hear anything for a few hours.. around 10pm I started getting tired but was a bit on edge, as I knew he might come in and wake me up & I had no idea if he was coming back imminently or perhaps... much later eg. 2am..

I was just getting into bed at 11.30pm and he called me, but he could hardly speak... lots of long silences... said he's waiting for his taxi.. I gently suggested perhaps it's easier if he stays in town at his friend's house (who he was with) if he's really drunk..and I'll come get him tomorrow..

When he then came in at midnight he was paraletic drunk... falling everywhere, slurring, could hardly speak, eyes rolling in head, I was worried as he was bashing into everything, worried he was going to fall down stairs. He came and sat next to me on the bed and as he was trying to talk to me he lurched towards me/fell and headbutted me on my cheekbone by accident, I sort of had to hold him up, he was trying to talk to me but was slurring and eyes rolling, kept nearly passing out mid sentence.
He made it into bed and he passed out unconscious right in middle, with heavy arms over on my side/head nearly all on my pillow.. not enough room really for me lie comfortably..
I tried to move him over... he was breathing really heavily and the storm was raging and my adrenaline was going because it wasn't nice to see him like that. So I couldn't fall asleep until 2am.

Just as I was falling asleep he then sat bolt upright and stumbled downstairs again... crashing around and sounded like he was being sick... then he turned all upstairs lights on again in bedroom as he came back in.
I was a bit cross at this point as it was torture being woken up just as I was falling asleep after nearly 2 hours me lying there trying to sleep. So I turned the lights off and he had a go at me saying he can't make it to other side of bed without the overhead lights on.. so he sat down on the floor by the bed and was just being a bit belligerent and rude...
Again this made my adrenaline go because I previously had an abusive relationship so my tolerance for raised voices/harsh words is very low.
I also have a 5 year old (at her Dad's this weekend) who has been keeping me up at night so I really couldn't cope with him keeping me up too... felt like I'd rather just be at home but couldn't leave with storm.

This morning he immediately felt poorly when we woke up... and said "Sorry. I love you. Was I bad?". I had just woken up so I just kind of rolled my eyes and groaned a bit.
Because of this micro-reaction from me he went on the defensive being quite angry, obnoxious... almost being a bit nasty with me ... he said like a teenager "Sorry I'm just sulking now because I don't like being told off". I said "When did I tell you off?" (I was very kind and benign when he did returned home and didn't tell him off at all despite being annoyed). He said I told him off with my disappointed face, the way I was looking at him.
He went downstairs to make tea and toast, still drunk and feeling awful I imagine, crashing around .. kind of trying to pretend he was ok.. I said thank you for toast but just felt like I had to stay out of his way and didn't really like this version of him.

I wanted to just go home & see him again when we're both had some sleep, and I wanted to avoid a row so I decided I was going to go home as I'd rather be in my own space... I was trying to honour what I needed... and just remove myself because I felt uncomfortable, exhausted and a bit cross/upset still.

I kindly/calmly relayed this to him and said we'll speak later when we're both feeling better, he got angry and dramatic and was oscillating between "I'm sorry, I love you" to then in the next sentence "Well this isn't going to work is it when we live together if this happens every time I go out, or if you just leave every time there's a problem, I know I got too drunk and I didn't plan it but it's just one night" etc etc.

The thing is he knows I don't really drink.. maybe the odd one or two very occasionally.. and I find it hard being around people who are VERY drunk - obviously he's a grown man and he can do what he wants but I'd rather not be around it, and was genuinely worried about him hurting himself ... his Dad is an alcoholic and he has relayed to me how scary he found it when he was younger when his Dad came home paraletic and lurching around the house falling on the floor and being rude to his Mum etc, so I thought he'd understand how I felt being the sober one who had someone come home like that.

When I actually did leave after he saw me putting my shoes on and was panicking that I was leaving he said "fine ! go !" and I said "ok now you are shouting at me and telling me to go ...." and he said "I'm not shouting ! I'm not angry at you.. " and I said "well you have been angry and shouting this morning and I don't like it" and he said "I've not been angry, I made you tea and toast!" (still drunk kind of... but starting to see how he's upset me).....
He hugged me and said "Your heart is beating really fast.. I'm sorry...." and I said "I just need to go home now and do what's right for me and what I need right now" and he then switched again to "Well fine maybe I'll start doing more of what's right for me!" like a teenager having a tantrum.

He did then text me saying "regardless of any anger or upset please let me know the second you get home. no game playing. so I know you're safe x" which I did.

I just feel so many doubts about this relationship now and whether we're right for each other... I love him and he's not a bad person but maybe I can't be around someone who drinks like this, perhaps it's just too triggering for me ?

You say 'nobody is perfect' but then '90% good doesn't mean that you should just discount the 10% that doesn't work for you' Jill?

You're right, nobody is perfect, absolutely nobody and if you reject every single person for fixable issues you're going to have a very bitter, lonely existence.

Also, when you say "He knows if he was ever drunk like that around my child he'd be long gone." -- he is not in his right mind when he's drunk. What he knows when he's sober doesn't count.

I actually wouldn’t break up over this, it sounds like he was still drunk this morning and while that’s not good, it’s not a dumpable offence. I would have a serious chat with him though and this was his one ‘free fuck up’, anymore and walk away.

He makes a fair point in his comment about what would you do if u were living together. Think about this. You can run back to your own place now but if you were living together somewhere down the line and he started doing this more regular you would be packing bags every weekend or how often he drank that amount

Do me a favour ask someone who knew you back then if you seemed to overlook the warning signs before it got bad? If there were warning flags you glossed over because hes normally so nice? If they were surprised when they found out your ex was abusive. If they saw little things but didnt think youd see them the same way. Its a pretty good gage as to your radar on these things.

When you say he has made lots of decisions to change his life in ways that puts me and my daughter first - don't you think that's a bit worrisome? Someone having to change a lot to be with you? Genuine change is hard and can be unsustainable, particularly if it's for someone else and not oneself.

I think it's weird that his friends and family have told you that he's never felt this way about anyone before.

I would be mortified if one of my family had said that to a boyfriend.

It's almost like they are praying you will take him. Very odd.

I have R0.5TT (read about half the thread) and feel he has too many redeeming qualities to be dumped over this one mistake.

It would come down to your guess about whether he can learn from this and move on. I would imagine he might - he seems really to care for you and for your DD.

I would give the benefit of the doubt if you are as sure as you say you are that he'd never do this around your DD.

The re-assess in a few months.

he got angry and dramatic and was oscillating between "I'm sorry, I love you" to then in the next sentence "Well this isn't going to work is it when we live together if this happens every time I go out,

This seems to suggest that he'd expect to be able to behave like this if you lived together. How's that going to work with you having a child to consider?

@category12
When you say he has made lots of decisions to change his life in ways that puts me and my daughter first - don't you think that's a bit worrisome? Someone having to change a lot to be with you? Genuine change is hard and can be unsustainable, particularly if it's for someone else and not oneself.

I meant for example, changed his work schedule a bit (he is self employed so he can block out time where clients can't book in, so effectively give himself a late start on a Weds and then work later another night.... So that he could spend time with me, spent his mornings going to opticians to pick up my glasses, taking my car to get tyres done... ie. when he was single this would be his time off to himself... and he would go out with his mates or have a lie in .. now he is prioritising me and DD instead using that time for us .. he was in a band too and they rehearsed every Tuesday and last summer spent every weekend touring and he had been feeling he was getting too long in the tooth for being in a band and spending so much time on it... so he's rearranged priorities.. quit the live shows so that he can be there for me helping with DD - even practical stuff like picking up things, fixing things... DIY in the house. Showing he is committed to being a family man now.. and not just doing everything the same as when he was on his own. But I agree with what you said about genuine change needing to be for yourself and not someone else.. and that it could be unsustainable.... Big issue is he doesn't love himself... beginning to like himself he said ... I think a PP saying he might have Borderline Personalty Disorder could be accurate , reading about it ... he is intense and impulsive and tends to see some people in his life as either all good or all bad and then it changes....which is shown in his changing tactics with my this morning wildly flip flopping between "I'm sorry I love you" and blaming me ...... Friendships can have lots of quite benign drama in his life but still drama.... but he's recognising he might be a bit of a drama addict in his life and cutting out toxic friendships and setting boundaries etc .... But yes perhaps a little unstable in some ways but then.... aren't we all multi faceted flawed humans?? Or maybe I need someone a bit more stable and solid who I don't feel anxious around.

I usually always feel very calm and safe around him... so this incident has thrown me for a loop.

Also yes I felt like saying to him "Well no this wouldn't happen at all if we were living together as I wouldn't be living with you if you came home like this to our home with DD" --- but as a PP said, he wanted a row and was acting insecure and panicked and was still drunk, so I did not rise to that comment, and I swiftly packed my things and left the situation. I will make that clear to him though. It would be a dealbreaker. And what if he hurt himself whilst binge drinking and fell over or broke his hand... that would be his income gone whilst he recovers... really irresponsible behaviour if he wants to be a family man.

That's a lot of sacrifice, a lot of running round after you, all so early on in the relationship - it says lovebombing to me, and building sense of obligation on your side.

@zenhamster

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time”

He’s shown you who he is sadly.

The fact that he didn't mean to get so drunk would worry me (if I were in your situation). One binge doesn't automatically = being an addict or problem drinker, but most adults know their limit and CAN stop when they feel themselves reaching it. He either doesn't know, didn't bother to stop, or couldn't stop (or someone spiked his drink, but he doesn't seem to be suggesting that).

This incident is especially unfortunate IMO because he did it WHILE you were visiting, and during your down time to recover a little from full-time care of your DD. He has to learn when to stop, and be able to reliably do so when he knows he has other obligations and that being drunk and then hungover will interfere with those. If he truly can't do that now - no judgment, but he probably needs to get help. And to do that for himself, not only because you ask him to.

@category12 - yes I see what you're saying ... it could seem a bit like that... But when I show appreciation he often says "darling you deserve this I'm not doing this for reciprocation... I don't want anything apart from you to be happy and relaxed and you deserve to be looked after a bit now as you've got so much on your plate... it's an honour for me to support you and take a little of the weight..." He's very soppy and intense but not in a fake way...... It seems very genuine but he has other sides to him of course.. a more blokey grumpy side obviously when he feels insecure or stressed....

I’d leave the relationship OP

You can't change how he is. He is the only person who can do that. You can't be truly sure he won't ever drink around your child. Why risk it? You can't fix him.

@maduixa - yes I agree... he knew we had plans, and he had me visiting because of Valentine's, the storm, Sunday plans etc... but he still couldn't stop himself. At 9pm he texted me saying he can't wait to get home. That was the last I heard from him before 11.30pm.
This morning he said what he remembers happened was at about 10pm he realised oh dear I am very drunk but then suddenly the bar they were in got very busy, noisy and overwhelming with people bashing into him and dancing and it was so noisy (he has some sensory issues, like my daughter does which is why he gets on so well with her because he really understands her & reads her cues and her needs very well...) and he said then his friends started getting shots in... and he probably couldn't say no... or was pressured... or he said maybe he drank more to cope with the horrible atmosphere he was in/ to keep up with the group... his friends carried on but he left them to go and call a taxi as he knew he needed to get back to me and get home.

But yes by what he has said to me in past and his friends/ family it sounds like he isn't great when drunk/great at stopping. When he did dry january, lots of people we bumped into were like "Oh that'll be good for you!! Oh yeah you needed to cut down a bit didn't you hahah"

Yeah the steel trap doesn't come down until later, OP - you're not even 6 months into this.

I'd hate the drunkenness and couldn't be with someone who did it regularly. It'd have to be vary rarely. Very bad memories of an abusive alcoholic family member.

But his little boyishness would annoy me more "He said I told him off with my disappointed face, the way I was looking at him." I mean does he want you to be a patient/mother figure as well because that's not sexy. That's just needy and creepy. The sulking thing. I expect it from my 7 and 3 year olds. Not my adult partner. I mean your 5 year old will pick up on that too. It's not the kind of male role model I'd want around my children. I know she has her dad, but this man will be a huge influence too.

Others have said similar, but for me it hangs on his attitude when he is sober.

If he says sorry and intends to never do it again, fair enough. Most of us have done stupid things in our life. If he sticks with blaming his friends and intends to continue going out with them, then that's that.

If he says one thing and does another, that would all be clear too.

His behaviour could be based in his guilt. He knows he was wrong, and is trying to deflect it. He feels guilty and his immediate reaction is to go on the defense. I’m not excusing his behaviour, I’m only saying it might be worth giving him the chance to make up for it. Only you can know if it’s worth it or not

Hmmmm, so from your latest update, his friends think he has a drinking problem. And say it out loud in front of you.

You don't like drunks
He's regularly drunk. He said he'd be like this after nights out if you live together.
I can't stress how much that people are on their best behaviour in honeymoon period at start of relationship. Months 6-18 are the most telling of what it's really like being in a relationship with them

He knew you were at his house alone to visit him for valentines night and staying over. He still stayed at the pub and drank a huge amount to the point of being obnoxious. Leaving you alone at his house. In a storm that you didn't want to/ feel safe to / go home in.

He's told you you'll have to get used to it. He's telling you this is part of him.

I'm not a LTB but I do think you need to think clearly about what he's shown you about himself. Sounds a pretty chaotic future if you don't like drunks who disappear , don't return when they say even if you have plans and arrive early hours but paralytic , waking household up

@zenhamster how old are you both? You are a parent who’s obviously matured and looking after a child on her own. He however has no responsibilities and been with his girlfriend for 4 months. He has no child to think of, no work to get up for today so going on a bender isn’t probably they big a deal to him. He’s not going to really temper his drinking when he’s with friends just because you are at his waiting for him. He did act like a dick to you this morning and it does really sound like he was still quite drunk. You did the right thing by leaving, rather than letting it escalate. But you shouldn’t have been put in that position.

Just remember you are at VERY different points in your life, you have tons of responsibilities and he has none..