to be a bit annoyed at my partner for behaviour whilst drunk

[zenhamster]

My boyfriend who is usually wonderful ... was going out for a few drinks for his friend's birthday in town around 3pm to meet everyone, I drove him into town and he was planning to get get a taxi back at 8pm or 9pm.
I was staying at his house because we live an hour's drive away from each other, because of the storm, and we had planned to do stuff together on Sunday (today) as well.

He sent me a pic and we had a few banter-y messages .... then from 9pm onwards I didn't hear anything for a few hours.. around 10pm I started getting tired but was a bit on edge, as I knew he might come in and wake me up & I had no idea if he was coming back imminently or perhaps... much later eg. 2am..

I was just getting into bed at 11.30pm and he called me, but he could hardly speak... lots of long silences... said he's waiting for his taxi.. I gently suggested perhaps it's easier if he stays in town at his friend's house (who he was with) if he's really drunk..and I'll come get him tomorrow..

When he then came in at midnight he was paraletic drunk... falling everywhere, slurring, could hardly speak, eyes rolling in head, I was worried as he was bashing into everything, worried he was going to fall down stairs. He came and sat next to me on the bed and as he was trying to talk to me he lurched towards me/fell and headbutted me on my cheekbone by accident, I sort of had to hold him up, he was trying to talk to me but was slurring and eyes rolling, kept nearly passing out mid sentence.
He made it into bed and he passed out unconscious right in middle, with heavy arms over on my side/head nearly all on my pillow.. not enough room really for me lie comfortably..
I tried to move him over... he was breathing really heavily and the storm was raging and my adrenaline was going because it wasn't nice to see him like that. So I couldn't fall asleep until 2am.

Just as I was falling asleep he then sat bolt upright and stumbled downstairs again... crashing around and sounded like he was being sick... then he turned all upstairs lights on again in bedroom as he came back in.
I was a bit cross at this point as it was torture being woken up just as I was falling asleep after nearly 2 hours me lying there trying to sleep. So I turned the lights off and he had a go at me saying he can't make it to other side of bed without the overhead lights on.. so he sat down on the floor by the bed and was just being a bit belligerent and rude...
Again this made my adrenaline go because I previously had an abusive relationship so my tolerance for raised voices/harsh words is very low.
I also have a 5 year old (at her Dad's this weekend) who has been keeping me up at night so I really couldn't cope with him keeping me up too... felt like I'd rather just be at home but couldn't leave with storm.

This morning he immediately felt poorly when we woke up... and said "Sorry. I love you. Was I bad?". I had just woken up so I just kind of rolled my eyes and groaned a bit.
Because of this micro-reaction from me he went on the defensive being quite angry, obnoxious... almost being a bit nasty with me ... he said like a teenager "Sorry I'm just sulking now because I don't like being told off". I said "When did I tell you off?" (I was very kind and benign when he did returned home and didn't tell him off at all despite being annoyed). He said I told him off with my disappointed face, the way I was looking at him.
He went downstairs to make tea and toast, still drunk and feeling awful I imagine, crashing around .. kind of trying to pretend he was ok.. I said thank you for toast but just felt like I had to stay out of his way and didn't really like this version of him.

I wanted to just go home & see him again when we're both had some sleep, and I wanted to avoid a row so I decided I was going to go home as I'd rather be in my own space... I was trying to honour what I needed... and just remove myself because I felt uncomfortable, exhausted and a bit cross/upset still.

I kindly/calmly relayed this to him and said we'll speak later when we're both feeling better, he got angry and dramatic and was oscillating between "I'm sorry, I love you" to then in the next sentence "Well this isn't going to work is it when we live together if this happens every time I go out, or if you just leave every time there's a problem, I know I got too drunk and I didn't plan it but it's just one night" etc etc.

The thing is he knows I don't really drink.. maybe the odd one or two very occasionally.. and I find it hard being around people who are VERY drunk - obviously he's a grown man and he can do what he wants but I'd rather not be around it, and was genuinely worried about him hurting himself ... his Dad is an alcoholic and he has relayed to me how scary he found it when he was younger when his Dad came home paraletic and lurching around the house falling on the floor and being rude to his Mum etc, so I thought he'd understand how I felt being the sober one who had someone come home like that.

When I actually did leave after he saw me putting my shoes on and was panicking that I was leaving he said "fine ! go !" and I said "ok now you are shouting at me and telling me to go ...." and he said "I'm not shouting ! I'm not angry at you.. " and I said "well you have been angry and shouting this morning and I don't like it" and he said "I've not been angry, I made you tea and toast!" (still drunk kind of... but starting to see how he's upset me).....
He hugged me and said "Your heart is beating really fast.. I'm sorry...." and I said "I just need to go home now and do what's right for me and what I need right now" and he then switched again to "Well fine maybe I'll start doing more of what's right for me!" like a teenager having a tantrum.

He did then text me saying "regardless of any anger or upset please let me know the second you get home. no game playing. so I know you're safe x" which I did.

I just feel so many doubts about this relationship now and whether we're right for each other... I love him and he's not a bad person but maybe I can't be around someone who drinks like this, perhaps it's just too triggering for me ?

The more you write the more worrying your relationship dynamic sounds.

I don’t doubt that he’s been very thoughtful but it’s only been 16 weeks but you talk of something that was longer. I think he’s trying (a little too hard) to meet your expectations, which means there's little room for him to be who he is now and not the future him you clearly want him to be.

I think you need to slow this way down because it sounds like you’re investing in a future version of him that still in the promising R&D stage but far from coming to market phase.

The mask has slipped and that’s a good thing because future faking isn’t fair on anybody..

Everything you write about him makes him seem even more horrible. Can't you see this? It's time to take the blinders off.

Sounds like you want him to change for you?

@Coughsyrupsucks I'm 31 and he is nearly 42 ...

@AgentJohnson I've not told him how I want him to be at all.. I think he's seen my life and my responsibilities and how I live my life and he has thought ok I need to make some changes to step up to the plate for her... clearly he's still unable to remember that when he's drunk and out for a night on the town with the lads for someone's birthday .... But you're right maybe I'm just falling in love with what he's showing me that he want's to be like.. a family man.. responsible and putting us first... but maybe he can't sustain that or doesn't really want to beyond when he feels he's "got" me... that might not become apparent until we would move in together, get married, have a baby etc. I need to have a sober, honest chat with him about what he really values in life and whether he sees how he lashed out at me this morning is not acceptable at all.

@davincitoad - I understand how naive it is to think someone will change for you ... but when I met him and as we have been getting to know each other he has said that he has got to the point in his life where he doesn't want to be going out drinking... that he is finished with the rockstar/being in a band/partying life and he was almost just needing that extra reason/push of a stable long term partner who he could dedicate himself to, to complete the final step of becoming a husband who spends each night getting shopping for the family after work instead of going down the pub - that he wants to do that now and not because he feels like he has to but because he feels meeting me was a gamechanger.. that he wants to settle down now and be a family man .... that no-one has ever made him feel like he has a purpose outside of himself ... even when he has had long term relationships before.. but now he feels me and DD are his reason - but that even a year or so before he met me, he was winding down to middle age and going for walks with a thermos more often than being in the bars drinking ... he had already started adjusting his lifestyle from the partying lad before meeting me... But it seems he has reverted this weekend and couldn't help himself.

Jesus Christ now he feels me and DD are his reason

It's been 4 months

This man is putting his whole raison d'etre on to you and your daughter after a blink of an eye. He's not actually grown up off his own steam, only because he's met you. And 4 months in, his real self has emerged. He left you at his house on your own on valentines evening because he was too 'sensory overloaded' to get a taxi home and stop drinking shots.

@codenamevillanelle Did you also read the bit that said "even a year or so before he met me, he was winding down to middle age and going for walks with a thermos more often than being in the bars drinking ... he had already started adjusting his lifestyle from the partying lad before meeting me... "

Yes this could be the mask slipping or it could be a blip of reverting to his single lad ways because it was his best friend's birthday. I'm trying to look at it from all angles and not demonise someone.. life is not black and white.

I get that 4 months seems fast but again, life is not black and white, people fall in love and even now you hear old men saying 'When I met her I just knew straight away I was going to marry her' ... it happens.. it's not always sinister.

He took me out for dinner on Valentine's evening which was on Friday. This happened last night on Sat 15th. Hence why I'm writing about this morning .. today (Sunday)

But yes I totally see what you're saying and will take it on board... I already said to him "It's not an excuse that someone else started buying shots... no-one held you down and poured them down your throat, you chose to keep drinking and to do shots even an hour more past you realising you were incredibly drunk.

First of all , it seems as this relationship has been rushed, it’s way too soon for him to have met your daughter and if anyone’s behaviour makes you feel anxious enough to not want to be around them , then it really isn’t a good idea to continue seeing them.

What would happen if you end up living together and it happens again ? You won’t be able to keep running away to friends or parents.

You are not compatible and I think you know it , making excuses and trying to analyse why he is like this won’t change anything.

Anyway I'm not going to explain rest of his character of what I know of him anymore.... he does have responsibilities he has a business of 6 years that is thriving, car payments, mortgage payments, elderly parents that he looks after and he manages those responsibilities well.
If you want to assume he's a peter pan nutter then fine but I can't confirm if that's true or just people here speculating / sensationalising based on bad behaviour last night and this morning whilst still drunk. Drinking is clearly the main issue here as he has never shown any red flags whilst sober. Im always alert to yellow flags and am aware and discerning because of my past....and I will continue to be.
He's just texted me so ... will see what it says ...

I wouldn't hold out hope for a man who hasn't managed to grow up by the age of 42. All of his pretty words sound quite pathetic, honestly.

Very apologetic text. Said it was a one off evening and not something he intends to do on a frequent basis, saying he's so sorry I felt I had to leave this morning, says he doesn't make a habit of that level of hedonism as he doesn't usually even drink spirits but it was a silly spontaneous moment and that's all. Asking me if I'm ok etc.

Hmm. Still I will say it was his behaviour this morning that made me the most upset and what made me feel I had to leave. And hope he won't try and excuse it.

Not saying his behaviour is ok at all but if that’s who he is then your not right for each other?

@sofacat.... you're right, all very important and accurate points. I don't know how to word this to him. Like PP's have said this is something that is perhaps not immediately dumpable offence but pause for serious thought and reassessment. And maybe a situation for a second chance but third or fourth chances .. no.

Leave him. You’re not married, you don’t even live together and you don’t have children together. There’s no reason to stay with him and every reason (your daughter) to leave him.

And get to know the next one a bit better before you introduce him to your daughter.

God if my dh dumped me every time I'd got pissed early on in our relationship after hen nights , birthday parties , leaving do's we woukdnt be married with kids

He justket off steam one nightclubs seen him do it in 4 months, Give the guy a break

No matter how perfect he the rest of the time, I too couldn't put up with a person who gets this drunk. Next time he wants to go out for a session, dont stop at his, and dont see him till he's completly sober.

Sorry should say it's only happened one night in the 4 months you've been seeing him

You do sound ott

How many men do You think never go out and get rat arsed, every so often ? It's just not a big deal to me but then I do it too

If you genuinely looked at BPD and considered this rationale makes sense for his behaviours, and know he was raised by an alcoholic father, has current friends who consider he has (at least a risk for) alcoholism, and at 4 mos you are already witnessing him lashing out at you, assuming you are going to leave him, then begging you to stay, and continuing to oscillate (drunk or not), consider this as a warning shot across your bows. People with BPD don’t set out to destroy other people’s lives. But the amount of work they have to put in to keep their destructive behaviours under control is immense. And not often possible. Don’t be collateral damage.
My lovely friend was exactly the same. She would do literally anything for her husband. She tended to his every need. It didn’t stop her getting arseholed and accusing him of wanting to leave her with alarming regularity. Or telling her dd that she was the reason for her mental illness and drinking. Despite giving up her whole life to do lovely lovely things for them both. Drink is one way that people with BPD self medicate. It’s a very very bad combination.

42!?!?! Ok more than old enough to own his shit. You need to sit down and seriously discuss how much you hate his drinking and today’s reaction. If he won’t give up binge drinking for you, you have your answer.

Oh God, Op, I thought you were both in your 20's. Honestly, at 42 he should not be blaming his friends for getting him drunk.

I would slow it down. Avoid any more interaction with him and your DD and see how it goes. But do not progress any further than boyfriend and girlfriend living in their own homes as he is too immature to bring into your DD's life.

You also sound like you like different things and he sounds like he is trying too hard to be what he thinks you want rather than what he is.

Getting that drunk is something teenagers do before they learn to moderate their consumption. If he is still doing it at 42, you need to run very far away from this man.

“This is the bad thing I’ll do”

Not I’ve done, I shouldn’t have done, I won’t do again... the bad thing I do. So I’ll do it again and again and claim it’s only once in a blue moon, birthdays, new year, Christmas, football games, gigs... you need me to paint you a full oil canvas or are you ok with the sketch op?

If your daughter came home to you (in the future obviously) and told you what happened last night would you want her and her child to stay around with this man? Probably not.

It’s been four months. In 4 months you won’t have seen him every time he’s went out, at his true worst cause he can slip off to the sidelines away or mask up and fix what he says. He’s bought your love.. many times already, nice things are nice but they’re only things.

Think back to your ex, I think you said he was physically abusive? Did he clock you round the jaw in the first weeks? Or was he not that bad of a guy?

I could write two paragraphs about my ex and you’d think it was two different men. They never start out as the devil incarnate.

I wouldn't like this I can't understand why people get so drunk. I work in the city at night and often watch the revellers on the security camera staggering on the road, in front of cars buses, fightinging, laying in vomit it is a miracle most make it home at all, thry don't die from head injures. DP has been very drunk though never unsteady leg less If this is the state he is in whenever he goes out I'd dump him.
When someone shows you what they're about pay attention.

4 months
You don't know this person and no amount of crystals or reiki hippy woo shit will stop him being a piss head.
Have a word with yourself and dump the loser.

He is literally changing every part of his life to please you, I feel sorry for him.