to be a bit annoyed at my partner for behaviour whilst drunk

[zenhamster]

My boyfriend who is usually wonderful ... was going out for a few drinks for his friend's birthday in town around 3pm to meet everyone, I drove him into town and he was planning to get get a taxi back at 8pm or 9pm.
I was staying at his house because we live an hour's drive away from each other, because of the storm, and we had planned to do stuff together on Sunday (today) as well.

He sent me a pic and we had a few banter-y messages .... then from 9pm onwards I didn't hear anything for a few hours.. around 10pm I started getting tired but was a bit on edge, as I knew he might come in and wake me up & I had no idea if he was coming back imminently or perhaps... much later eg. 2am..

I was just getting into bed at 11.30pm and he called me, but he could hardly speak... lots of long silences... said he's waiting for his taxi.. I gently suggested perhaps it's easier if he stays in town at his friend's house (who he was with) if he's really drunk..and I'll come get him tomorrow..

When he then came in at midnight he was paraletic drunk... falling everywhere, slurring, could hardly speak, eyes rolling in head, I was worried as he was bashing into everything, worried he was going to fall down stairs. He came and sat next to me on the bed and as he was trying to talk to me he lurched towards me/fell and headbutted me on my cheekbone by accident, I sort of had to hold him up, he was trying to talk to me but was slurring and eyes rolling, kept nearly passing out mid sentence.
He made it into bed and he passed out unconscious right in middle, with heavy arms over on my side/head nearly all on my pillow.. not enough room really for me lie comfortably..
I tried to move him over... he was breathing really heavily and the storm was raging and my adrenaline was going because it wasn't nice to see him like that. So I couldn't fall asleep until 2am.

Just as I was falling asleep he then sat bolt upright and stumbled downstairs again... crashing around and sounded like he was being sick... then he turned all upstairs lights on again in bedroom as he came back in.
I was a bit cross at this point as it was torture being woken up just as I was falling asleep after nearly 2 hours me lying there trying to sleep. So I turned the lights off and he had a go at me saying he can't make it to other side of bed without the overhead lights on.. so he sat down on the floor by the bed and was just being a bit belligerent and rude...
Again this made my adrenaline go because I previously had an abusive relationship so my tolerance for raised voices/harsh words is very low.
I also have a 5 year old (at her Dad's this weekend) who has been keeping me up at night so I really couldn't cope with him keeping me up too... felt like I'd rather just be at home but couldn't leave with storm.

This morning he immediately felt poorly when we woke up... and said "Sorry. I love you. Was I bad?". I had just woken up so I just kind of rolled my eyes and groaned a bit.
Because of this micro-reaction from me he went on the defensive being quite angry, obnoxious... almost being a bit nasty with me ... he said like a teenager "Sorry I'm just sulking now because I don't like being told off". I said "When did I tell you off?" (I was very kind and benign when he did returned home and didn't tell him off at all despite being annoyed). He said I told him off with my disappointed face, the way I was looking at him.
He went downstairs to make tea and toast, still drunk and feeling awful I imagine, crashing around .. kind of trying to pretend he was ok.. I said thank you for toast but just felt like I had to stay out of his way and didn't really like this version of him.

I wanted to just go home & see him again when we're both had some sleep, and I wanted to avoid a row so I decided I was going to go home as I'd rather be in my own space... I was trying to honour what I needed... and just remove myself because I felt uncomfortable, exhausted and a bit cross/upset still.

I kindly/calmly relayed this to him and said we'll speak later when we're both feeling better, he got angry and dramatic and was oscillating between "I'm sorry, I love you" to then in the next sentence "Well this isn't going to work is it when we live together if this happens every time I go out, or if you just leave every time there's a problem, I know I got too drunk and I didn't plan it but it's just one night" etc etc.

The thing is he knows I don't really drink.. maybe the odd one or two very occasionally.. and I find it hard being around people who are VERY drunk - obviously he's a grown man and he can do what he wants but I'd rather not be around it, and was genuinely worried about him hurting himself ... his Dad is an alcoholic and he has relayed to me how scary he found it when he was younger when his Dad came home paraletic and lurching around the house falling on the floor and being rude to his Mum etc, so I thought he'd understand how I felt being the sober one who had someone come home like that.

When I actually did leave after he saw me putting my shoes on and was panicking that I was leaving he said "fine ! go !" and I said "ok now you are shouting at me and telling me to go ...." and he said "I'm not shouting ! I'm not angry at you.. " and I said "well you have been angry and shouting this morning and I don't like it" and he said "I've not been angry, I made you tea and toast!" (still drunk kind of... but starting to see how he's upset me).....
He hugged me and said "Your heart is beating really fast.. I'm sorry...." and I said "I just need to go home now and do what's right for me and what I need right now" and he then switched again to "Well fine maybe I'll start doing more of what's right for me!" like a teenager having a tantrum.

He did then text me saying "regardless of any anger or upset please let me know the second you get home. no game playing. so I know you're safe x" which I did.

I just feel so many doubts about this relationship now and whether we're right for each other... I love him and he's not a bad person but maybe I can't be around someone who drinks like this, perhaps it's just too triggering for me ?

Why is he getting the opportunity to be"amazing" with your daughter when you've been seeing him such a short time?! I'm shocked you think this is OK.

@category12 see above my response to this question. Everyone does things differently and one can only do their best ... Sometimes even the best relationships end up not working out, someone can turn out to be an arsehole after 6 months or 12 months or 3 years.. no guarantee of anything. But over 4.5 years of being single parent, I think I've been discerning throughout and taken considered choices.

Why is a choice between introducing your child early and suddenly expecting them to accept a step-parent moving in without knowing them?

That's ridiculous.

@beautiful3 - thank you for that, yes this is exactly what I meant - I am a Reiki practitioner too

You blithely say he'd never get drunk like this around your kid, but it seems a bit of a shock to you that he gets drunk like this at all. You don't know the guy, so you can't say definitively what he'd do around your kid or not.

I'd probably call it quits, but I don't like being around people who are falling-down drunk. As others have said, it's not just that he got this drunk; his attitude toward you after/during sobering up is a red flag.

Ask yourself if you're happy to spend potentially the rest of your life with him acting this way. It could be that he "only" does this two or three times a year. Or maybe he's been on his best behaviour until now, and he actually does it more often than that.

I couldn't put up with it, myself. I could deal with it if the man I loved decided it wasn't for him and committed to not doing it again. If he was acting like I was the one with the problem (for not being happy with it), that would probably be the end for us.

""Well this isn't going to work is it when we live together if this happens every time I go out,"

I think the sentence above is the kernel of the post. He obviously thinks this is normal and not a one-time thing. You can't be around him like that (who would want to be) and you can't have him around your 5 year old, either.

He has a drinking problem. Now you know. I would break up now if I were you.

@category12 I didn't say anything about moving in - I said introducing someone to your child as a fully formed relationship, having already fallen head over heels in love with that person, is pretty loaded and perhaps unfair on the child also ... If the child doesn't gel with them or they don't gel well with your family life, you're already in love with them and in a relationship with them.. so you're much less likely to read the signals that perhaps they're not a good fit with your child, and more likely to expect your child to just accept your new partner as you've already decided you're in it for the long haul with them/in love.

Each to their own - the topic of when is the right time to introduce a new partner to your child is a whole other thread... Her Father introduced her to his new girlfriend after 3 months together... they have been together 4 years and they don't live together. As I said everyone lives their lives differently.

your completely fully-formed relationship, who is their new stepparent

People on here are generally desperate to break relationships up so they get an interesting update. He made a big mistake. He also sounds like hes very open to self improvement. Make it a yellow card and be vigiliant.

Ok leaving aside whether it was too soon to introduce her or not...he clearly thinks this is normal behaviour on a night out. Is binge drinking disorder a dealbreaker for you? It absolutely is for me.

I wouldn’t leave for this one thing. I’d have a serious chat and be honest how he made you feel and make sure you’re not around him when he’s drunk

I agree his attitude after is the big red flag/problem... But he did apologise multiple times (despite yes changing tactic as well as oscillating between blame shifting and sorry i love you.... He was panicking. He said "You're going to want to leave me now" and was really sad before he passed out. But he said "honestly I am not a bad person... this is as bad as it gets.. this is the bad thing that I will do".
I think he know it's childish and irresponsible and he's embarrassed.

He did also say in the morning that he was just not going to go out anymore...... and he has said in the past he's not drinking again as it just gives him horrendous anxiety in the days that follow... and he wants to knock it on the head. Maybe this is a wake up call for him. I definitely wouldn't be thinking about accepting this as normal behaviour happening often....

Btw I'm not sure I meant to write 'disorder' there- I think that was a rogue word that my subconscious brain suggested without me knowing

0P This guy is not your Partner, you dont live with him and you have been with him a mtatter of weeks, he is a boyfriend so get rid of him, spend some time on your own and sort your own issues before you let another bloke into your life

It’s hard to tell. But like above said, he says that this is what he’s like every time he goes out. So that sounds like it would be a problem for you. And for him. He’s pretty much said it’s nit going to work.

You are not compatible.
But the way you are making excuses - i.e. is it ok because 90% of the time he is 'perfect'?
Firstly no one is perfect - they have flaws, you hardly know this person and yet already so soon in the relationship he has shown he is horrible when drunk.
Secondly if you are really a reiki practitioner then you should know better. The reason you are posting this is because you know you are not compatible, there is a niggle that something isn't right. 90% good doesn't mean that you should just discount the 10% that doesn't work for you.
Thirdly you are trying to change him too much - he is who he is, its not your job to help him resolve his issues re. parents, life, alcohol etc. If he wanted to do it, he'd have been doing it before you. If he's only doing it now 'because' of you he is less likely to get it to work because he's doing it for you, not for himself and that's just not going to work.
Fourthly - you have a young daughter - not a carefree single so slow down...

He did also say in the morning that he was just not going to go out anymore......

And yet he went out

and he has said in the past he's not drinking again as it just gives him horrendous anxiety in the days that follow..

And yet he's still doing it

and he wants to knock it on the head

And yet he hasn't

Maybe this is a wake up call for him

Why should it be when none of the other occasions have been?

You seem to know what codependency is. Have you considered it might apply to you also?

@codenamevillanelle .... Yes this is what I have to decide. And a PP is right when they said what comes next is what matters...everyone makes mistakes but when he's sober and we talk properly.. how he handles it now is what matters. And whether he takes a serious look at his binge drinking problem and takes steps to change his behaviour and habits. This was fine obviously when he was single... but things are different now and he has to decide what his priorities are. I want to be with someone who prioritises healthy and sobriety for the most part.... someone who hardly ever gets very drunk. And if that's not him, then it's not him.

Him going out and getting trolleyed wouldn't bother me at all. Him being drunk and falling all over would be annoying but again not a deal breaker.

Maybe your lifestyles aren't compatible if you don't like him when he's been drinking.

Alcohol doesn't make everyone an arsehole. I'm happy, a bit silly, a bit loud. Not an arsehole.

The way he behaved afterwards is completely out of line. He was a twat and shifted the blame onto you because you were rightly annoyed with him and I do see red flags there.

Personally, I wouldn't have stayed at his house and waited for him to get back as he was going out with his mates as as soon as you said he was coming home at 8/9 it was obvious that wasn't happening.

I also wouldn't plan anything the day after a night out as this only leads to disappointment and resentment if it doesn't happen.

I'd be very careful from now on and if you do want to stay with him, you need to decide what your red lines are and be clear about that.

"He knows if he was ever drunk like that around my child he'd be long gone."

But being like that around her mother who's got anxiety issues related to being treated like that before in an abusive relationship is perfectly fine? Why are you worth less then your daughter? If youll let him say these things to you now after 4 months how long before he starts snapping at your daughter when she doesnt respond how he wants her to? Will that be ok? If she pulls a face because hes said no and he starts having a go at her thats going the fine right? Perfectly normal? Coming from an abusive relationship in the past really screws with what you see as normal and acceptable behaviour.

Would you want your daughter to be spoken to like you were spoken to by someone who claims they love her. Do you want her to see it as "just a slip" and then watch as it gets worse and worse for her. Or do you want to show her that no one should treat you like that drunk hungover sober happy sad angry. ITS NOT ACCEPTABLE.

Theres no real point in me saying anything else youve already justified it your head. Just like you will when he hurts you for the first time. Just like you will when he hurts you for the 100th time in front of your daughter. Just like you will when he hurts your daughter.

Only you can stop this but it has to come from you or youll just let it happen passively. You cant change someone. And if he wanted to change he would of already. He didnt. Dont be naive. Your better then that.

You sound so invested, I get that you will want to make this work but please be careful. I was married to a man like that. I came to dread him drinking and my inability to trust and relax because of his knobbish behaviour started to wear me down.

this is the bad thing that I will do".

Not the bad thing that ive done but the bad thing i WILL do.

Whats the phrase? In vino veritas.

The "love bombing," the alcoholic father, the fear of abandonment, turning against you at the slightest sign you may leave -- he has borderline personality disorder. Run, don't walk.

@Pretenditsaplan - thanks for your message... honestly I am reading all these views and taking them in and I will have another read through again before I go to bed, and tomorrow and think on it all at length. But you are being a bit sensationalist when you tell me: Theres no real point in me saying anything else youve already justified it your head. Just like you will when he hurts you for the first time. Just like you will when he hurts you for the 100th time in front of your daughter. Just like you will when he hurts your daughter.
I left my daughter's father when he was physically violent to me, the first time. And never went back, despite living in near poverty and going through hell, I chose to do that and be alone, and live with the difficulty of being a single parent rather than show my daughter that it's ok for her mother to be treated like that and for her to grow up in a home like that.

I agree this behaviour is a yellow/red flag and requires some serious discernment and thought. My ex (my daughter's father) was cruel and abusive as his personality... alcohol didn't bring it out. That's how he was when he was sober. If a boyfriend shows they have a problem with alcohol they need to cut out alcohol, and if they don't take steps to be sober... I will take necessary steps to distance myself if not remove that person from my life.

What I am seeing here is someone who has no self control around alcohol in a social situation out with the lads.... and he was still drunk when he said all those nasty comments in the morning. Time will tell but I am now on full alert and not rushing to see him again or make up or schedule any more time with him around my daughter, things need to take a serious step back to friends perhaps and see if he truly wants to be different in his life, or carry on how he was when single and when he didn't have anyone else to think about.