to be a bit annoyed at my partner for behaviour whilst drunk

[zenhamster]

My boyfriend who is usually wonderful ... was going out for a few drinks for his friend's birthday in town around 3pm to meet everyone, I drove him into town and he was planning to get get a taxi back at 8pm or 9pm.
I was staying at his house because we live an hour's drive away from each other, because of the storm, and we had planned to do stuff together on Sunday (today) as well.

He sent me a pic and we had a few banter-y messages .... then from 9pm onwards I didn't hear anything for a few hours.. around 10pm I started getting tired but was a bit on edge, as I knew he might come in and wake me up & I had no idea if he was coming back imminently or perhaps... much later eg. 2am..

I was just getting into bed at 11.30pm and he called me, but he could hardly speak... lots of long silences... said he's waiting for his taxi.. I gently suggested perhaps it's easier if he stays in town at his friend's house (who he was with) if he's really drunk..and I'll come get him tomorrow..

When he then came in at midnight he was paraletic drunk... falling everywhere, slurring, could hardly speak, eyes rolling in head, I was worried as he was bashing into everything, worried he was going to fall down stairs. He came and sat next to me on the bed and as he was trying to talk to me he lurched towards me/fell and headbutted me on my cheekbone by accident, I sort of had to hold him up, he was trying to talk to me but was slurring and eyes rolling, kept nearly passing out mid sentence.
He made it into bed and he passed out unconscious right in middle, with heavy arms over on my side/head nearly all on my pillow.. not enough room really for me lie comfortably..
I tried to move him over... he was breathing really heavily and the storm was raging and my adrenaline was going because it wasn't nice to see him like that. So I couldn't fall asleep until 2am.

Just as I was falling asleep he then sat bolt upright and stumbled downstairs again... crashing around and sounded like he was being sick... then he turned all upstairs lights on again in bedroom as he came back in.
I was a bit cross at this point as it was torture being woken up just as I was falling asleep after nearly 2 hours me lying there trying to sleep. So I turned the lights off and he had a go at me saying he can't make it to other side of bed without the overhead lights on.. so he sat down on the floor by the bed and was just being a bit belligerent and rude...
Again this made my adrenaline go because I previously had an abusive relationship so my tolerance for raised voices/harsh words is very low.
I also have a 5 year old (at her Dad's this weekend) who has been keeping me up at night so I really couldn't cope with him keeping me up too... felt like I'd rather just be at home but couldn't leave with storm.

This morning he immediately felt poorly when we woke up... and said "Sorry. I love you. Was I bad?". I had just woken up so I just kind of rolled my eyes and groaned a bit.
Because of this micro-reaction from me he went on the defensive being quite angry, obnoxious... almost being a bit nasty with me ... he said like a teenager "Sorry I'm just sulking now because I don't like being told off". I said "When did I tell you off?" (I was very kind and benign when he did returned home and didn't tell him off at all despite being annoyed). He said I told him off with my disappointed face, the way I was looking at him.
He went downstairs to make tea and toast, still drunk and feeling awful I imagine, crashing around .. kind of trying to pretend he was ok.. I said thank you for toast but just felt like I had to stay out of his way and didn't really like this version of him.

I wanted to just go home & see him again when we're both had some sleep, and I wanted to avoid a row so I decided I was going to go home as I'd rather be in my own space... I was trying to honour what I needed... and just remove myself because I felt uncomfortable, exhausted and a bit cross/upset still.

I kindly/calmly relayed this to him and said we'll speak later when we're both feeling better, he got angry and dramatic and was oscillating between "I'm sorry, I love you" to then in the next sentence "Well this isn't going to work is it when we live together if this happens every time I go out, or if you just leave every time there's a problem, I know I got too drunk and I didn't plan it but it's just one night" etc etc.

The thing is he knows I don't really drink.. maybe the odd one or two very occasionally.. and I find it hard being around people who are VERY drunk - obviously he's a grown man and he can do what he wants but I'd rather not be around it, and was genuinely worried about him hurting himself ... his Dad is an alcoholic and he has relayed to me how scary he found it when he was younger when his Dad came home paraletic and lurching around the house falling on the floor and being rude to his Mum etc, so I thought he'd understand how I felt being the sober one who had someone come home like that.

When I actually did leave after he saw me putting my shoes on and was panicking that I was leaving he said "fine ! go !" and I said "ok now you are shouting at me and telling me to go ...." and he said "I'm not shouting ! I'm not angry at you.. " and I said "well you have been angry and shouting this morning and I don't like it" and he said "I've not been angry, I made you tea and toast!" (still drunk kind of... but starting to see how he's upset me).....
He hugged me and said "Your heart is beating really fast.. I'm sorry...." and I said "I just need to go home now and do what's right for me and what I need right now" and he then switched again to "Well fine maybe I'll start doing more of what's right for me!" like a teenager having a tantrum.

He did then text me saying "regardless of any anger or upset please let me know the second you get home. no game playing. so I know you're safe x" which I did.

I just feel so many doubts about this relationship now and whether we're right for each other... I love him and he's not a bad person but maybe I can't be around someone who drinks like this, perhaps it's just too triggering for me ?

That's a nice apology OP, I'd be willing to give him the benefit of the doubt on this occasion in that light. But I would be expecting to see him make changes in the way he drinks. Some people might think that coming home paralytic (at 42 no less) is just 'blowing off steam' but it isn't, it's not normal and it's not healthy. There's a wide difference between buzzed and falling down paralytic. Given his family history of alcoholism I'd be concerned about his lack of self control at his age around it. Pull back for sure, keep yourself and your daughter safe, but second chance? yes I'd chance it for someone who has been so good up to this point so long as changes were made long term.

I agree with @Didshereally.

Also, I thought you were going to say he's in his 20s. At 41, his behaviour is pretty established.

He got shit faced, you got passive aggressive (micro expression, reiki woo, gently wording is how you might describe it but my money is on snippy passive aggressive). The main issue is your sky high expectations of someone you barely know and his willingness to jump when you say how high. Neither speak to a successful long term relationship between equals where you are accepting of each other’s faults and have realistic expectations of your partner.

@queenofallIsee a micro-expression is: "a brief, involuntary facial expression that appears on a person's face according to the emotions being experienced." - It was a reasonable reaction on waking to being kept awake until 3am, accidentally headbutted and snapped at by my shit faced boyfriend who said he'd be home 9.30pm latest and was just going for a few afternoon drinks and dinner for friend's birthday.
If he'd have said he was going out to do some serious drinking and partying, I would have arranged not to be at his house or he'd have arranged to stay at his friend's house in town. I think my expectations to not be negatively effected by that behaviour in the circumstances, were realistic and so do most of the other posters on this thread. I don't know if you know what reiki is but I certainly didn't do any reiki on him
And yes after years of therapy, various long term relationships, working on my own shit, I know how to respond neutrally/gently/in an adult place to someone who is out of control without telling a grown-up off or being passive aggressive.
There's nothing wrong with having standards (you call them sky high expectations) for how I want to be treated, whilst also willing to accept someone for their flaws and faults - which I clearly do hence why I didn't storm out of his house in a huff and then dump him. I hugged him and calmly said I'll speak to you a bit later when we're both feeling better and have slept.

@shinyredbus @OrangeLindt
I haven't given him a set of conditions to change... naturally when you have been single a while and get into a relationship, things do have to be adjusted in your lifestyle/habits/priorities to make room for another person in your life and build a relationship with them. I have had to also do similar in starting a relationship, like stop sleeping with other men, and stop spending all my free time off from working or looking after my daughter in the bath with a face mask on or going to meditating - I've had to create a bit of space for him as well and change my day to day habits a little also. What is the big deal ? I am not trying to fundamentally change him as a person. Sometimes it takes years to get to know someone and even friends you've known for years can surprise you with shitty, selfish behaviour or catty remarks which you thought wasn't their character.... again life and humans are not black and white.
I don't have rules... I have standards. He can act however he wants to act and make whatever choices he wants in his life and he knows this. But I also have a choice if I want someone like that in my life. See above response also - I clear am accepting of all facets of his personality and haven't just walked out on him because of once incident of undesirable reactions/behaviour from him.

I know what a micro expression is. I just cast doubt over your eye roll being one

He sounds a lot like my former husband. After drinking he was like an enormous, clumsy toddler. He'd be crappy the next day.

Note the 'former' bit. You are making shedloads of excuses for him just like I did for a long time.

Update: we spoke on the phone and he has explained that reason why he was bolshy this morning was because he felt embaressed of himself, couldn't remember what he was like whilst drunk and was blindsided by my description of his behaviour as he was shocked at himself... He was trying to say to me in effect "This is unfair that you'd be annoyed because I am not this kind of person, I never do this, this was a one-off bad reaction to spirits or getting my drink spiked perhaps.. I can't explain why I was like that.. I'm ashamed and shocked in myself.... I never usually drink spirits, I'm usually a fun drunk who just gets a bit silly but likes to stay sharp and is perfectly able to stop myself at a sensible point ./ I'm not usually a messy drunk and someone who people want to get away from or put a burden on others by being paralytic." He said the only other time he's been like that (unable to stand up etc) was about 10 years ago after a night out where he'd drank 3 glasses of wine in a bar and when he came home had to crawl to the door and he thought he'd gotten spiked. He was upset and lashed out this morning because he was panicking that I was going to leave him based on something he couldn't remember (the drunken-ness and coming home late) and based on something which he felt is not a true representation of his drinking habits at all.
I said I was triggered because I thought this was the real him and how he is when he goes out with the boys, but I just hadn't seen it yet, and that I didn't like seeing him like and didn't know if we were compatible if that was what he was like after a night out. And that I thought he was saying I just had to get used to it as this was what I should expect when he goes out in future and if we were to live together. He said no no no this is not what I would do normally and I wouldn't expect you to accept this behaviour after a night out, this is not me. etc etc. He said he's really disgusted with himself for how he reacted this morning and we had a heart to heart about how he discharges unpleasant emotions and sometimes it's not even the situation that he's angry about or the person, he doesn't like confrontation in his day to day life so stressful situations at work or with his Dad build up inside him and then when he feels scared... like a scared dog who feels cornered he then "bites" and lets out the anger. He said he doesn't want to do that pattern anymore and he recognises it, he is going to endeavour to learn how to communicate and have healthy confrontation in his life without these outbursts... and address the underlying anger he has. He talked about going to therapy as well and said he would like to look into why he sometimes reacts like this.
I also said I knew you were reacting like that because you were afraid I was going to leave you /was drawing conclusions about your character from one mistake ... and that you weren't actually angry at me or trying to hurt me. But I said it still affected me and gave me pause for thought massively. He said he hates that I had to be affected by his choices/mistake with the drinking shots and accidentally headbutting me,waking me up etc. He said he's so ashamed.
I have said my piece... we've talked in depth and cleared up some misunderstandings. I am still feeling a bit wary but this yellow/red flag to take a step back and assess has not been forgotten. He has reassured me and apologised for how he spoke to me, for me getting the brunt of his stresses coming out and how that was unfair reaction etc. He has said this won't happen again. So. Time will tell.

Drinkers lie, OP. They lie and they lie and they lie.

I wish you the very best.

@QueenofallIsee I described it as kind of an eye roll to describe that he didn't get his usual reaction when I wake up and look at him which is usually immediately breaking into a smile. But he saw it as a disappointed expression. I don't know what it was as I couldn't look at myself, I can only say what it felt like. It was literally the first thing my face did as I opened my eyes and he rolled over to look at me. I was mad yeah.... and it showed on my face, which immediately made him defensive and panicked. Hence being bolshy and a bit horrid in response to such a small micro-expression from me.
I explained how I felt with words to him, after we had woken up. Passive aggression is not directly communicating and instead expressing your anger in actions.

Lashing out...triggering....spiked drinks....bad tempers...upset..

It’s all too much for a couple going out a few weeks. This is meNt to be the fun bit., you sound like a dysfunctional couple together 20 years.

You know there are plenty of other men in the world?

So after his explaining to you that he never drinks like that, are you now going to take his friends' reactions to him doing Dry January that you described here, and put them way in the back of your head as if they didn't happen? Because they don't square with what he's saying.

Lying is very difficult to grasp, BTW. It's human nature to believe what people say, even after they've proven themselves to be liars. So I have sympathy for you.

When you mentioned up thread that his father was/is a alcoholic, the penny dropped.
To stay with him, I would insist he stops drinking. He either is an alcoholic (numerous definitions of this, but best one is -does drinking impair/effect your relationships/function, the answer to which in his case is a resounding yes) or on the way to becoming one.
If he does not/cannot stop, leave.
Either way, if you stay, you are on the road to being in a relationship with an alcoholic, which is not something I would choose.

My husband is a problem drinker. He is 46 and I actually think it's a bit pathetic to see a middle aged man stumbling around pissed. And it happens regularly. I can manage to go out, have a few drinks and come home without falling around, belching, stumbling etc.

At 42 if he is still drinking like a 22 year old its not going to stop. He attacked you because when some behaves badly it's easier to blame anything else than to accept thry were a dickhead.

I see you're only with him 4 months. This is a taste of things to come. Alcoholism is in his family. Some people are genetically predisposed to it. Trust me, if you ever moce in with him your daughter WILL see him drunk. And your daughter will hear him being a dick to you.

My husband has progressed to this stage after 20 years together. If it had started out like this we wouldn't have got past the first few months. He is showing you who he is. He is telling you who he is. Maybe you need to take notice.

OP,
You sound like you are trying to be wary like he's trying to say all the right things.

Personally I would be extremely wary of someone who has that many issues, particularly when I have a young child who could be damaged by my choices.

I think he's done his best to talk you round.

Be very careful.

OP.

I came on here and made the same excuses for my ex's drinking. I was told to leave but of course I didn't for another couple of years.

You posted on here because deep down you know that what's going on is wrong. Trust that instinct. I too have a background of abuse and ignored the warning signals.

Keep this thread and revisit it in a few months.

FFS.
There is none so blind as those who will not see.

I'd only give him one more chance I'm afraid!

Some posters have replied getting paralytic isn't the end of the world. Beg to differ as I've seen that it can be having worked in ICU. If not that it can be the end of a healthy world eg. severe brain injury having fallen off a low wall whilst blind drunk or try falling asleep whilst paralytic, not moving a muscle for god know how many hours, end result...leg amputated.

If that isn't enough, his behaviour to you after the drunk episode does not leave him covered in glory.

Think carefully about this relationship OP and good luck.

I wondered how long itd be before he blamed every one but himself.

Hes friends got him drunk

It was the atmosphere

He was spiked (why who would spike him? Why waste miney spiking a stranger. If your going to spike aomeone its for a reason he wasnt robbed etc. If it was his friend what kind of person has friends that think thats ok? The smell of bullshit is strong. If hed of been spiked hed of felt the effects withong 15 minutes and then be out cold for hours)

It was peer pressure

It was the noise

It was people knocking into him

He reacted that way because of his dad

Annnnnd now youve given in. But youd given in before you posted your first post you just wanted to grumble about it and be a martyr. So ill say it only once.

I told you so.

he doesn't like confrontation in his day to day life so stressful situations at work or with his Dad build up inside him and then when he feels scared... like a scared dog who feels cornered he then "bites" and lets out the anger. He said he doesn't want to do that pattern anymore and he recognises it

Oh he really does talk the talk, doesn't he? What he told you there was, he tries hard to be nice and sometimes he can't hold it in. He knows it a problem but it's haaaaaaaaaaaaaaard and it scares him - sympathy grab... that's where you should have hugged him and told him you understood, poor baby!

Give him another chance if you must, but do make it JUST THE ONE! Keep this thread and come back to it next time... there will be a next time!

My much hated PoisonousSIL has, after 30+ years of similar crap, left BoneheadBIL for his drinking... and he too comes out with that sort of self justification. We should all, apparently, fall over ourselves to help him, understand him, allow for his paaaaaaaain! - which he, of course, feels far more keenly than anyone else!

Don't lose that much of your life to his drinking...

@Curious

Nicely put👍.

He's well used to excusing his shitty, nasty outburst after drink.....he's been doing 20+ years.

Ok sure, lots of excuses. But you have to ask - are you prepared to put up with that shitty behaviour? If it’s this bad so soon what does the future hold?

he's a middle-aged musician who's spent his time binge-drinking with the 'boys' and now he's looking for a woman to save him/fix him/improve his life.

His friends are telling you he's a big drinker, his family are telling you they're surprised he's found somebody who'll put up with his antics, and four months in, you're starting to see what you'll be living with when you move in together.

He's already setting up his excuses: his daddy is a piss-head, his friends are to blame, somebody spiked him: all that suggests that he has a problem with alcohol and won't take responsibility for his own actions,

and he's already setting you up to accept his bad behaviour, by telling you that you're unreasonable to dislike his drinking, that he doesn't get that drunk that often, you're telling him off and that's why he's in a mood:

all of this shifts the blame onto other people and suggests to me that once you move in together this will be your life and all the excuses he's already given you will be the same excuses he recycles every time he gets pissed and comes home in a state.

I've got several 'functional alcoholics' in my social circle. They all associate with similar characters, none of them think they have a problem, none of them accept their drinking effects others, and all of them use the same excuses for their bad behaviour that this chap seems to be displaying.

I'd be asking myself... why doesn't he drive a car? He's 42 years old. If he's so big on family, and such an adult, why hasn't he already been married? why doesn't he have children of his own yet?

you are not his rehab.