to be a bit annoyed at my partner for behaviour whilst drunk

[zenhamster]

My boyfriend who is usually wonderful ... was going out for a few drinks for his friend's birthday in town around 3pm to meet everyone, I drove him into town and he was planning to get get a taxi back at 8pm or 9pm.
I was staying at his house because we live an hour's drive away from each other, because of the storm, and we had planned to do stuff together on Sunday (today) as well.

He sent me a pic and we had a few banter-y messages .... then from 9pm onwards I didn't hear anything for a few hours.. around 10pm I started getting tired but was a bit on edge, as I knew he might come in and wake me up & I had no idea if he was coming back imminently or perhaps... much later eg. 2am..

I was just getting into bed at 11.30pm and he called me, but he could hardly speak... lots of long silences... said he's waiting for his taxi.. I gently suggested perhaps it's easier if he stays in town at his friend's house (who he was with) if he's really drunk..and I'll come get him tomorrow..

When he then came in at midnight he was paraletic drunk... falling everywhere, slurring, could hardly speak, eyes rolling in head, I was worried as he was bashing into everything, worried he was going to fall down stairs. He came and sat next to me on the bed and as he was trying to talk to me he lurched towards me/fell and headbutted me on my cheekbone by accident, I sort of had to hold him up, he was trying to talk to me but was slurring and eyes rolling, kept nearly passing out mid sentence.
He made it into bed and he passed out unconscious right in middle, with heavy arms over on my side/head nearly all on my pillow.. not enough room really for me lie comfortably..
I tried to move him over... he was breathing really heavily and the storm was raging and my adrenaline was going because it wasn't nice to see him like that. So I couldn't fall asleep until 2am.

Just as I was falling asleep he then sat bolt upright and stumbled downstairs again... crashing around and sounded like he was being sick... then he turned all upstairs lights on again in bedroom as he came back in.
I was a bit cross at this point as it was torture being woken up just as I was falling asleep after nearly 2 hours me lying there trying to sleep. So I turned the lights off and he had a go at me saying he can't make it to other side of bed without the overhead lights on.. so he sat down on the floor by the bed and was just being a bit belligerent and rude...
Again this made my adrenaline go because I previously had an abusive relationship so my tolerance for raised voices/harsh words is very low.
I also have a 5 year old (at her Dad's this weekend) who has been keeping me up at night so I really couldn't cope with him keeping me up too... felt like I'd rather just be at home but couldn't leave with storm.

This morning he immediately felt poorly when we woke up... and said "Sorry. I love you. Was I bad?". I had just woken up so I just kind of rolled my eyes and groaned a bit.
Because of this micro-reaction from me he went on the defensive being quite angry, obnoxious... almost being a bit nasty with me ... he said like a teenager "Sorry I'm just sulking now because I don't like being told off". I said "When did I tell you off?" (I was very kind and benign when he did returned home and didn't tell him off at all despite being annoyed). He said I told him off with my disappointed face, the way I was looking at him.
He went downstairs to make tea and toast, still drunk and feeling awful I imagine, crashing around .. kind of trying to pretend he was ok.. I said thank you for toast but just felt like I had to stay out of his way and didn't really like this version of him.

I wanted to just go home & see him again when we're both had some sleep, and I wanted to avoid a row so I decided I was going to go home as I'd rather be in my own space... I was trying to honour what I needed... and just remove myself because I felt uncomfortable, exhausted and a bit cross/upset still.

I kindly/calmly relayed this to him and said we'll speak later when we're both feeling better, he got angry and dramatic and was oscillating between "I'm sorry, I love you" to then in the next sentence "Well this isn't going to work is it when we live together if this happens every time I go out, or if you just leave every time there's a problem, I know I got too drunk and I didn't plan it but it's just one night" etc etc.

The thing is he knows I don't really drink.. maybe the odd one or two very occasionally.. and I find it hard being around people who are VERY drunk - obviously he's a grown man and he can do what he wants but I'd rather not be around it, and was genuinely worried about him hurting himself ... his Dad is an alcoholic and he has relayed to me how scary he found it when he was younger when his Dad came home paraletic and lurching around the house falling on the floor and being rude to his Mum etc, so I thought he'd understand how I felt being the sober one who had someone come home like that.

When I actually did leave after he saw me putting my shoes on and was panicking that I was leaving he said "fine ! go !" and I said "ok now you are shouting at me and telling me to go ...." and he said "I'm not shouting ! I'm not angry at you.. " and I said "well you have been angry and shouting this morning and I don't like it" and he said "I've not been angry, I made you tea and toast!" (still drunk kind of... but starting to see how he's upset me).....
He hugged me and said "Your heart is beating really fast.. I'm sorry...." and I said "I just need to go home now and do what's right for me and what I need right now" and he then switched again to "Well fine maybe I'll start doing more of what's right for me!" like a teenager having a tantrum.

He did then text me saying "regardless of any anger or upset please let me know the second you get home. no game playing. so I know you're safe x" which I did.

I just feel so many doubts about this relationship now and whether we're right for each other... I love him and he's not a bad person but maybe I can't be around someone who drinks like this, perhaps it's just too triggering for me ?

You can be sensitive caring and a functionally binge drinking alcoholic.
He got so drunk he was obnoxious, you mentioned he goes overboard when he's out with his friends. His behaviour next day defensiveness etc. Indicates he knows and regularly goes too far in drinking.

It isn't a one off, he's told you that,

You've had honeymoon period so far of his limiting his drink to fun bf level when he's been around you.

You've a child and don't want to be trapped in a relationship living with someone who relaxes and is regularly binge drunk like this. How trapped you felt last night due to the storm at his house, is how you will feel in regularly if you move in together.

Where do you see this relationship heading if you don't feel he'd be a safe bet to live together with?
I suspect it's time to step back and take stock. You don't drink and don't like being around drunks. He isn't two different men, he s one man with a worrying flaw.

But does it mean he is a bad person?

'Not a bad person' is a pretty low bar for someone to share your life with though. Out of the no doubt literally millions of men I'd rather be single than live with, I expect most of them are not actually bad people. That doesn't mean they would enhance my life. Life is too short to spend it trying to fix someone.

He shouldn't be in your daughter's life at all after just 5 months.

He has taken my preferences re: smoking into consideration and given up smoking, showed he can do Dry January etc and shows interest in being a healthy person and is generally self aware and kind

You are incompatible. You're trying to change who he is, this doesn't work, as you now see. If you want someone who doesn't smoke and doesn't drink then you need to find someone like this, not expect someone to change for you. How would you feel if he expected you to smoke and drink for him? Does he? It's not on. You can't fix him, only he can do that.

This is a hiding to nothing and an example of a person trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

What you're describing (the amazing bits) is any relationship in such an early stage.

It's called the honeymoon period.

@aquamarine1029 ... thanks for your input.. I was also worried about love bombing but...his friends and his family have told me has genuinely never felt like this about anyone before, and he is the kindest person ever and it's not an act... so the gifts and Mr Wonderful thing could be genuine romance and going above and beyond because he feels so lucky to be in my life... yes his friends did say he can be a bit badly behaved whilst drunk yes ... not perfect ... flawed but I hope that doesn't mean it's the mask slipping and who is is whilst shit faced is his real persona??
He knows if he was ever drunk like that around my child he'd be long gone. I have made my feelings on her coming first and setting a good example for her.
But you're right I guess I don't know him that well..... He's not been only Mr Wonderful like a robot..we have had some other disagreements and I've expressed my displeasure in something and he's not reacted like this at all... he's listened, not got defensive... been kind and talked through it like grownups and it brought us closer.. it's not like he's been this perfect shining knight and then suddenly this is the only flaw I've seen... He has been 'human' around me and been a bit grumpy etc , as have I when I've had bad PMS for example...

Why are you even considering seeing him again after how he spoke to you this morning ? Your radar is way off

I think it depends what comes next. Anyone can screw up, but how this goes depends on whether he comes to realise his mistakes and address them properly, and whether this becomes any kind of habit. From the positives you've listed, if it's basically a one off and it turns out that he realises what he's done, then a second chance would probably be in order probably not a third or fourth chance though.

I think from what you’ve said, he sound like a lovely guy. He just drank too much one night and got a bit annoying. I genuinely wouldn’t throw in the towel over this- he made a mistake. Most likely had ‘the beer fear’ this morning hence acting delegate (I get unbelievably needed the day after a drink)
That’s just my view of it, but from what you’ve said you did the absolute right thing this morning- but no, I wouldn’t finish the relationship.

.... from a psychology standpoint I know he is codependent - growing up with an alcoholic father.. and he has a lot of unprocessed anger around that... he doesn't deal well with the feeling of shame and he is terrified of abandonment..

OP you do know this is called 'making excuses' . As a DV survivor, who I hope has done Freedom course, you'll know (and been told to watch out for the fact..) that your tolerance of frightening behaviour is higher and your normal boundaries were moved, are not set where other non abused peoples are naturally, it's a struggle to keep them clear and back in original place because they're on rollers now,
Please Be healthy, this isn't ok.

That's 16 weeks and he has slotted into your life enough to be amazing around your daughter.
I think you're not balancing this right. Most people wouldn't even have introduced a child at this point.

Red flags everywhere. 🚩
If he is making you feel anxious, and has that possibility of scaring you, I’d cut my losses now as it’s still early days.

Ok the coming in paralytic drunk is annoying but not unheard of. Highly irritating and childish behaviour but I've been there many times - coming in pissed, being loud, occasionally sick, generally very annoying. My parents and several partners including current fiancé have all experienced it. Not clever but it does happen.

What does concern me is his behaviour today. Rather than apologise and grovel a bit (which everyone knows is the dome thing when you've made a tit of yourself on the pop) he's tried to turn it around and make you feel bad about it. Needless to say he'll be on a massive comedown and probably feeling insecure and embarrassed about his behaviour but it's not really an excuse. I wouldn't react. Dont row because that's what he's fishing for. Let him stew and wait for an apology.

Your gut is telling you to get out of this relationship, and your head is trying to argue you out of it, out of your own codependence - your sourcing of self from external things like relationships. So it is more important to you to stay in a relationship than to have your own best interests as a top priority. .

The things he said when hungover are absolutely the real him. Nothing less than 100 per cent remorse would have been acceptable, but instead he was blame-shifting.

And then he said, 'Well this isn't going to work is it when we live together if this happens every time I go out'. This is what he's going to be like if you live together. This is what you will be exposing your daughter to.

Op have you been on mumsnet long? If so you'll know there is a level of hysteria about alcohol.

For me, if it was a one off I'd not be too bothered if he went out and got wankered.

However you have different tolerance levels. You really need to look for someone who has the same values as you and never gets very drunk ever.

It is going to count out eight percent of the population. But you need to do what's right for you as you said.

I honestly don't think it's that bad

After 4 months if he goes out with his mates don't stay at his to see the aftermath

Agree 100 per cent with @Bluntness100

You sound puritanical

He can let off steam

Also agree with @Stampy84

He's apologised too

Why do you know he's 'amazing' with your daughter after 4 months? How can you possibly say he would 'never do' anything if you've only known him less than half a year?

He's the son of an alcoholic and he's also a binge drinker with a persecution complex and a nasty side. If you don't end it you'll be a total fool. And for fuck sake don't introduce any new boyfriend to your child for at least 6 months.

I'm too old for this kind of shit from someone. I would've honestly.told him to fuck off of he'd tried that manipulative shit

But seriously.. op...what The actual fuck...you've only known this guy 4 fucking months!!!

I think the constant changing of tactics in the morning speaks volumes.

Read Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That? docdro.id/py03 and do the Freedom programme.

You mention having been in an abusive relationship before so I'd be concerned you're choosing a similar man again.

You've got great jargon filled rationales for went he's acting like this but listen to your gut like a PP stated.

This could only be the beginning of it.....

Dump him. Don’t be daft. His behaviour has been abominable and will happen again and again and get worse...

You hardly know him. His friends and family have never been in an intimate sexual relationship with him I imagine. What they think and say is irrelevant.

Do the right thing for you. Do the right thing for your kid.

OP,
It's not a problem if it's a once off but it's not.

The nastiness is the red flag.

You are with him a wet week and he is "amazing" with your daughter. Really?

I think when children are involved the bar in a new relationship should be even higher.

I think your gut is screaming at you that this isn't right for you.

Listen to your gut.

Deep breath.

I really does not matter what the tolerance levels of anonymous posters are. YOU feel uncomfortable with his drunken actions. He has shown you a side of him you haven't seen before and it is so awesome odds with what you have seen before it has you second guessing yourself.

For me, after such a short period of time, this would be an opportunity to take a step back and have a long think about what I want.

Balance all that 'perfection' with his friends and family telling you how different he is with you (think about why they made any comment at all... that didn't sound reassuring to me). Has he been on his very best behaviour and was last night himself when not trying, not second guessing himself all the time?

Most of all, is that what you want to put up with from here on in?

Don't rush to make it up, wait and see how you feel once the adrenaline rush, fear, anger has worn off. Take your time...

@zenhamster "More that I believe alcohol and being under the influence causes one to be in a very low vibration and sometimes low vibe entities take advantage and take over"

I went to a psychic workshop years ago. The trainer/medium talked about levels of energy, as spirit is always around us. He said when he has alcohol, he can feel a low energy spirit move into his body. I abstain from alcohol, as it reduces my high vibration to a low one. As a reiki practitioner, I concentrate on good energy, always. Sounds like you need to meet someone that is more compactable. If it were a one off, I'd just avoid him that night. If it were a regular thing, I'd knock it on the head.

@youjustdoyou

Yes I did tell him to fuck off kindly when he started grasping for ways to blame shift and was being manipulative .... I said right don't start with all of that stuff because that's not reality and you know it... I'm going home now before any damage gets done to this relationship, I will talk when you're properly sober, not a good idea to get into all this now and I'm not going to stay as I genuinely don't want to be here and I'm not going to stay just so you won't be angry with me for leaving."

Also I have never introduced anyone I was casually dating to my daughter in the 4.5 years since I left her Dad.... But with my boyfriend now, we spent a lot of time together and it looked like it was getting serious - I'd seen him in many different scenarios.. seen him when he's stressed, annoyed etc.. but I honestly thought this had huge potential to be serious long term relationship, we click on so many levels and he is very kind and lovely and devoted... shown me in words and actions that he has consistently put me first... So I introduced him to my daughter as a friend, outside of the house a few times, as I didn't want to fall in love with him and only THEN find out how he was with children/with my daughter...
He has a godson my daughter's age who he looks after a lot and is very close with other older godson too.. So once I'd seen how he good he was with his godson, I thought it was perhaps sensible to see if my daughter likes his vibe before committing to a relationship with him.

Everyone does things differently. Perhaps it's more harmful to fall in love with someone, then after 6 months or a year where you're completely besotted and then expect your child to suddenly get used to this person and your completely fully-formed relationship, who is their new stepparent without any indication prior to falling in love of how they might gel in your family life?