to be a bit annoyed at my partner for behaviour whilst drunk

[zenhamster]

My boyfriend who is usually wonderful ... was going out for a few drinks for his friend's birthday in town around 3pm to meet everyone, I drove him into town and he was planning to get get a taxi back at 8pm or 9pm.
I was staying at his house because we live an hour's drive away from each other, because of the storm, and we had planned to do stuff together on Sunday (today) as well.

He sent me a pic and we had a few banter-y messages .... then from 9pm onwards I didn't hear anything for a few hours.. around 10pm I started getting tired but was a bit on edge, as I knew he might come in and wake me up & I had no idea if he was coming back imminently or perhaps... much later eg. 2am..

I was just getting into bed at 11.30pm and he called me, but he could hardly speak... lots of long silences... said he's waiting for his taxi.. I gently suggested perhaps it's easier if he stays in town at his friend's house (who he was with) if he's really drunk..and I'll come get him tomorrow..

When he then came in at midnight he was paraletic drunk... falling everywhere, slurring, could hardly speak, eyes rolling in head, I was worried as he was bashing into everything, worried he was going to fall down stairs. He came and sat next to me on the bed and as he was trying to talk to me he lurched towards me/fell and headbutted me on my cheekbone by accident, I sort of had to hold him up, he was trying to talk to me but was slurring and eyes rolling, kept nearly passing out mid sentence.
He made it into bed and he passed out unconscious right in middle, with heavy arms over on my side/head nearly all on my pillow.. not enough room really for me lie comfortably..
I tried to move him over... he was breathing really heavily and the storm was raging and my adrenaline was going because it wasn't nice to see him like that. So I couldn't fall asleep until 2am.

Just as I was falling asleep he then sat bolt upright and stumbled downstairs again... crashing around and sounded like he was being sick... then he turned all upstairs lights on again in bedroom as he came back in.
I was a bit cross at this point as it was torture being woken up just as I was falling asleep after nearly 2 hours me lying there trying to sleep. So I turned the lights off and he had a go at me saying he can't make it to other side of bed without the overhead lights on.. so he sat down on the floor by the bed and was just being a bit belligerent and rude...
Again this made my adrenaline go because I previously had an abusive relationship so my tolerance for raised voices/harsh words is very low.
I also have a 5 year old (at her Dad's this weekend) who has been keeping me up at night so I really couldn't cope with him keeping me up too... felt like I'd rather just be at home but couldn't leave with storm.

This morning he immediately felt poorly when we woke up... and said "Sorry. I love you. Was I bad?". I had just woken up so I just kind of rolled my eyes and groaned a bit.
Because of this micro-reaction from me he went on the defensive being quite angry, obnoxious... almost being a bit nasty with me ... he said like a teenager "Sorry I'm just sulking now because I don't like being told off". I said "When did I tell you off?" (I was very kind and benign when he did returned home and didn't tell him off at all despite being annoyed). He said I told him off with my disappointed face, the way I was looking at him.
He went downstairs to make tea and toast, still drunk and feeling awful I imagine, crashing around .. kind of trying to pretend he was ok.. I said thank you for toast but just felt like I had to stay out of his way and didn't really like this version of him.

I wanted to just go home & see him again when we're both had some sleep, and I wanted to avoid a row so I decided I was going to go home as I'd rather be in my own space... I was trying to honour what I needed... and just remove myself because I felt uncomfortable, exhausted and a bit cross/upset still.

I kindly/calmly relayed this to him and said we'll speak later when we're both feeling better, he got angry and dramatic and was oscillating between "I'm sorry, I love you" to then in the next sentence "Well this isn't going to work is it when we live together if this happens every time I go out, or if you just leave every time there's a problem, I know I got too drunk and I didn't plan it but it's just one night" etc etc.

The thing is he knows I don't really drink.. maybe the odd one or two very occasionally.. and I find it hard being around people who are VERY drunk - obviously he's a grown man and he can do what he wants but I'd rather not be around it, and was genuinely worried about him hurting himself ... his Dad is an alcoholic and he has relayed to me how scary he found it when he was younger when his Dad came home paraletic and lurching around the house falling on the floor and being rude to his Mum etc, so I thought he'd understand how I felt being the sober one who had someone come home like that.

When I actually did leave after he saw me putting my shoes on and was panicking that I was leaving he said "fine ! go !" and I said "ok now you are shouting at me and telling me to go ...." and he said "I'm not shouting ! I'm not angry at you.. " and I said "well you have been angry and shouting this morning and I don't like it" and he said "I've not been angry, I made you tea and toast!" (still drunk kind of... but starting to see how he's upset me).....
He hugged me and said "Your heart is beating really fast.. I'm sorry...." and I said "I just need to go home now and do what's right for me and what I need right now" and he then switched again to "Well fine maybe I'll start doing more of what's right for me!" like a teenager having a tantrum.

He did then text me saying "regardless of any anger or upset please let me know the second you get home. no game playing. so I know you're safe x" which I did.

I just feel so many doubts about this relationship now and whether we're right for each other... I love him and he's not a bad person but maybe I can't be around someone who drinks like this, perhaps it's just too triggering for me ?

I think you are Actually worse OP. Hes met your very young child ' several times' already after only 4 months??

@orangelindt - I haven't asked him to change anything.

@brazi103 - I have already explained my reasons for this, not that I have to. Everyone does things differently. Her father intro'd his girlfriend to her after 3 months, they have now been together 4 years. A friend of mine was engaged within 3 months, married within 9, and now they have been together 8 years, had a daughter together and he was a stepdad to her 8 year old daughter from the beginning. I know someone else who was with her husband married for 4 years before he started being abusive to her and showing his true colours.. and another who's husband after 18 years of marriage and 4 children, has left the home for his secretary and hardly sees his children anymore. She met someone else after a few months, they were pregnant within a few months and she has given birth to her 5th child with new partner and they've been together for a couple of years now, he is a great stepdad to her other 4 children and have been from day 1.
Some people's husbands on Mumsnet will get rat arsed and be a bit annoying or rude I am sure, doesn't mean they leave them after one show of laddish behaviour. No-one is perfect and life isn't black and white. Not to say I am glossing over this and not being extremely aware of his behaviour from now on, and pulling back / slowing down the relationship after this yellow/red flag.

when we live together if this happens every time I go out, or if you just leave every time there's a problem, I know I got too drunk and I didn't plan it but it's just one night" etc etc.

This is going to happen if you live together. He's told you it is, and he's told you your reaction to it is the part that's unreasonable, not him doing it in the first place. Those "just one night"s add up. There is no way I'd expose my daughter to that. Not saying I'd break up with him necessarily over one occasion, but I'd be taking a step back and watching out for more red flags.

Sounds like lovebombing and being a twat.

I wouldn't be with anyone who had to prove they could manage dry January, it's not that hard to drip alcohol and it alludes to a bigger problem.

Why on earth were you driving over sat pm and ferrying him around? Just go there the next day or, if you really have to, after hes finished. Don't wait there all evening for him to be ready to see you.

And him saying what will you be like when you live together... this is him TELLING YOU this will happen again. Around your child.

Kick him to the kerb and save yourself years of heartache and a more complicated situation.

The fact you are obly pulling back is all he needs to know he can carry on.

@realbecca - thanks, yes in my reply to him I addressed this and said I wouldn't want him in the house in that state or living together thinking he could go binge drinking and coming home in that state. And especially not around my daughter.
I was already at his house Sat morning because he had taken me out for dinner over that way on Friday for Valentine's Day, and because he said he'd just be going out for a few hours/few drinks and then we had plans together Sunday, with the storm, it didn't seem worth me going home.
I was just supposed to be having a relaxing evening at his... which I was and I was enjoying it for many hours... until it got later and later ... and I couldn't get hold of him/didn't know when he'd be back.
But in hindsight yes I should have just left him to it.

He has messaged back to my reply basically telling him his reaction was almost a deal breaker and I would be seriously considering whether to move forward with relationship based on how he spoke to me etc.....
He has said again he is deeply sorry and he should not have spoken to me like that at all... he was being defensive and inexcusable... said he doesn't get that drunk usually at all - only once in a blue moon - and that yes he goes for a few beers after work sometimes but the state he was in last night is not his normal at all. He said only his actions can prove this if I will give him a chance and can believe him that he is truly sorry and doesn't do this sort of thing more than perhaps once a year. Hmm. I will still think long and hard and slow things down.

He also said there is no question that he would ever be like that around a child because it's vile and it's what he experienced as a child from his Dad. So my next response is well why is it ok to be like that around your girlfriend? It's not.

Like positivevibz I also think it’s weird that his family & friends are ‘selling’ him to you. Especially after such a short time.

You sound incompatible. You want Mr Dependable Family man. He doesn’t sound that he’s it.

You also keep talking about how he does/will get on with your daughter. You don’t know him yet. He’s starting to show his true self but you seem determined to shoehorn him into step dad

said he doesn't get that drunk usually at all - only once in a blue moon

It's remarkable how often that pesky blue moon comes around, as you will find out should you stay with him.

Given your update give him the benefit of the doubt, slow thing's down be mindful before you get more serious.
Create a bigger distance between him and DD. Work thing's out for yourself without DD until you're sure.

His reply is still focussing on the coming home rat arsed. He's ducking the issue of how he behaved this morning. A quick 'I shouldn't have spoken to you like that' and then back to the drinking. Make sure he is left in no doubt that this is as big, if not a bigger deal, than the drink.

OP, he sounds like someone at 42 who wants to move on with his life..finally.

He might mean well but I would not allow my dd to be around someone like him.

He's a drinker....even if he's trying hard not to be.

He's a cranky, snarky little shit after drink...even if he's trying hard not to be.

He likes to drink...even if he's trying hard not to.

You only know him 5 minutes.....even if he's still trying to keep his game face going.

Step back and be very very careful.

Despite his best efforts and intentions he is who he is...a 42 year old heavy drinker who is trying to grow up.

All well and good but do you really want to be the family he experiments on?

This of your DD in this.

Yikes - it sound anime you are trying your best to change him and make him for your mould - and he is trying to do what he can to, I suppose this once he blew it and is now afraid your might leave because if your strict rules. I would reconsider this - doesn’t sound compatible to me OP sorry.

I was married to someone like this for a long time. Never knew when to stop once he started drinking. Got really annoyed if you mentioned how drunk he'd been and spoilt so many occasions for me. I had no option but to leave him in the end. He got aggressive with some poor guy who got in his way when we were out. Once he'd sobered up I told him I wanted a divorce. He still didn't understand why.

OP, only you know what things are like the rest of the time. I'd be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I wouldn't forget all about it. In fairness, your daughter wasn't there, but if she had been, it isn't as though he could magically become undrunk again - it sounds like he didn't know what he was doing. I'd just see if this turns out to be a regular thing, and I wouldn't get myself into anything I couldn't get out of with him for a little while, i.e. moving in.

42 i thought he wa sin his twenties-its not good enough to say once ina blue moon he should be saying it will never happen again and he'll get helpfor his drinking

what happens on the next blue moon then

It’s not just coming home drunk. For most people that’s collapse into bed and snore. for him it’s collapse on top of you, jump up and turn all the lights on, then complain when you turn them off. If his night out means you have to wake up several times overnight and cope with him including some physical risk, then it’s not a typical situation of I deserve a drink occasionally. It’s him having a drink is worth your disturbed stressful night. That is unacceptable to me.

I’d give him the benefit of the doubt too given he’s put his hands up and said sorry. Treat carefully though

You may not have explicitly said that he must do x, y and z but he’s smart enough to know that’s what you want to hear.

Getting drunk isn’t the red flag. Getting drunk and staying out when you were at his house waiting for him, the sarcasm and meanness when you called him out on his behaviour, the excuses for getting rat arsed and the mitigation (he would never be drunk around your DD).

This guy knows what to say and he may even believe what he’s saying but there’s a big difference between knowing and doing and 16 weeks is far too soon to falling for the future fake promises.

Op given your history of being abused, this is has gone way to fast and whilst you are caught up in the promises, you’re not being objective.

Hopefully this incident is the catalyst to slow things right down and to stop investing in his declarations.

My gut however, tells me that your both trying to hard to magic a 16 week entanglement into something with a longer shelf life.

You’ve been together 4 months? It won’t last. Lesson here is not to bring men into your daughters life until you are sure you know them a little better

It's this, above: "You may not have explicitly said that he must do x, y and z but he’s smart enough to know that’s what you want to hear."

That's not just for the drinking. This is exactly what he's been doing when he's been telling you how you and your DD are what he needs to give his life purpose and all the rest. You should ask yourself why you would fall for something like that, and why you would accept that a grown man would feel all that for you and your DD after such a short time. That's not based on knowing you at all -- it's based on an idealized version of you both. You deserve better than that. You deserve all that in reality, and you can't get that without actually knowing each other.

Also that idealization smacks of BPD....

All well and good but do you really want to be the family he experiments on?

Well quite

get out when you can. Its not about his drinking - its about the way he behaves - controlling- twisting the facts - trying to make you feel sorry for him. Its not worth carrying on. Find someone different

He's still doing this at 42? Enough said. This is the man he is, OP and he won't change his habits. He'll just become incredibly adept at sweet-talking you around whenever his 'blue moon' blowouts strike (which, as another poster mentioned, you'd be amazed how frequently that blue moon will come around).
I was a loan parent and for me, personally, I was going to go it alone all the way or be with a non-drinker. I'd dated men and they would all get shit-faced and I hated it, hated it so much. I couldn't have that around my little boy. The thing about drinkers is that they come with a boatload of dishonesty. Drinking and bad behaviour are bedfellows. To stay with him because he's nice when he's sober is like saying that you're only worthy of the scraps falling from the table. They may be scraps from the most gorgeous roast dinner, but scraps are scraps. All signs point to NO. Follow the exit sign.