To ask DH to back off from relative for the sake of our marriage?

[WatchingMyChickenStrip]

DH has a relative who has chronic depression and anxiety which started when a traumatic event happened within the family. The relative has never really sought any help for this- they've been prescribed medication which they haven't taken, offered therapy which they never went to.

Every so often, the relative will phone DH whenever they are having a particularly bad time and need to talk. DH usually ends up going round for hours, listening, trying to help. The relative usually rehashes the tragedy, and when DH comes home he is understanably upset himself for some time afterwards.

DH and I now have a non sleeping toddler, we're both working, and life is busy. I have had a really stressful time at work recently, we've caught every bug going this winter, and on top of the lack of sleep, I'm frankly run down and struggling a bit. Relative phoned DH on Friday, and he went round for two hours. We don't make a big thing of Valentine's day, but it was DH's day to do bath and bedtime while I cooked a nice meal and we were going to have a bit of a date night at home (cheesy I know, but we have nobody to babysit in the evenings) this ended up going up the left due to the relative's crisis.

This is where I'm perhaps being a bitch. The relative seems to need DH most at times when he's likely to be thinking of other things. Right before our wedding, when the baby was a few weeks old, a few days before baby's first Christmas, that sort of thing. I'm not saying they do it deliberately, but obviously I do notice it more when it's around certain times.

So I had a bit of a row with DH when he came back, and we haven't really spoken since. I told him that he needed to consider how much energy he expends on the relative versus how much he expends on his wife, because I was struggling right before his eyes, and he didn't seem to notice because he was caught up with relative. I also said that relative was basically a bottomless pit that he would never be able to fill or fix, and that it wasn't up to DH to be their crutch. DH said this was really unfair, but when I pointed out the length of time this has all been going on, plus the amount of time he has spent round there, and how nothing has helped long term, he went quiet.

We haven't really discussed it since, and I'm not sure whether to bring it up again or whether I've been unfair. DH is a really nice man, and his care and dedication to.family and friends is one of the things that made me fall in love with him, but I feel like at the minute it's at my detriment. I am known as a strong, capable person, which most of the time I'm glad to say I am, but I feel this is now being taken for granted

Tough one, I can understand your frustration but in light of what has happened over the weekend I imagine your DH will feel it is more important to be there for their relative.

I don't think that you can really dictate how anybody deals with anything. Your DH wants to be there for them. I'm pretty sure you would do the same for someone you cared about.

It would be irritating at times but for me a non issue.

I think YABU. If that was me, and my relative, I'd be pretty pissed off with my OH for telling me to stop supporting them when they need me. I get it's taking up time, but what's the alternative? Your DH turns their back on this person and they have no one?

I wouldn't bring it up again. You've made your feelings clear, now let him choose what he thinks is best for him and his priorities. Now see how he responds and act accordingly.

Sorry posted too soon. So yanbu to think he should stop going round when relative phones? It's not every week, it can come in clusters, but we rarely go 6 weeks without it happening, which I know sounds like a lot, but DH can be down for days afterward

a few days before baby's first Christmas?
So, a random day in December, you mean?
Valentine's Day, when you had an evening planned must have been annoying, but it's really on your dh to say he couldn't go round at that point, but would perhaps pop in the following morning. And put a time limit on it.
Is this a parent or a sibling?

YANBU if they have rejected other offers of help. Instead they call DH. Is there nobody else who can help?

Sorry and I should have added, this relative does have a partner and other family members, they are by no means alone except for DH

I understand why your husband wants to help his relative and it’s most admirable.
My only concern is that your husband is acting as his relative’s crutch which prevents him/her from getting the professional support that they clearly need.
Tricky.

I think they should ask their partner instead.

I think he needs to be encouraging the relative to seek professional help because as much as 'being there' is important he is not qualified to help them in the way they need helping. Doubly so if it is affecting his mental state and your relationship with him.

I think it depends on low long it’s been going on for/how often dh has to drop everything at short notice?

My exh used to have to drop everything for one of his relatives so I can see how upsetting it can be sometimes.

I’m like your dh my sibling suffers from depression and has tried to kill the self was in iCU for a month , should I not be there for each them should I just ignore the phone....... if my sibling needs me I’m there in a heartbeat! I’d rather know I’d done something to prevent another suicide.

I think you are being a bit heartless, mental health is such a serious problem. Jings if only Caroline Flack had reached out she might still be alive.

Sorry and I should have added, this relative does have a partner and other family members, they are by no means alone except for DH

So he'll be giving them some respite then.

Part of having chronic depression and anxiety after a trauma, often involves not being able to talk to medical professionals.

And part of marrying someone who is 'really nice, with care and dedication to family and friends', will always mean taking a back seat now and then during the marriage.

Have you done anything yourself to help share in the care of this relative?

I would say that you want to be close again and heal the breach.

But yes,I would try to talk again. What is he afraid of if he says 'I can't tonight, let's meet tomorrow'? It must be an awful burden on him.

I'm not suggesting you do a passive aggressive 'oh darling I'm just worried about you...' but also, yes,you are worried about the effect on him and the effect on your marriage now that you have s baby and time is non-existent.

I know my mother resented my dad's tendency to go and sit with his mum just as the evening meal/bath/bed maelstrom was happening. He could have seen her any time, we lived in 2 halves of the same house.

Tell him you love him for his kindness and you're sorry to have fallen out. But you do need to talk about it again. Things are different now.

You are not giving out too much details about the relative. Is it a close relative? Does this relative actually have others to comfort him/her but he/she particularly only wants your husband around instead of asking someone else? Do they live far away?

Well going against the grain, I think this does need to be sorted out between you and your husband. I just think it is a shame that it was a row and not a sit down, calm discussion about how you feel it has all got a bit much.

I feel this way because:
This relative has refused medication
Refused therapy
has a partner
has other family
You have a toddler
You both work
There is no magic answer for this relative

As you said, you are suffering in front of him and he is ignoring you for someone else. Someone who has other people to help her.

It's not silly to have wanted to have had Friday night together; busy working parents of a toddler need to connect. I think it was very rude of him to go off and renege on your plans together.

I would suggest talking about this again but more calmly.

This is a tricky one, your husband isn't able to manage this and isn't a professional therefore he hasn't the right support or resources to help his relative. A listening ear is only short term, this relative needs practical support.
Your husband will eventually become overwhelmed and very much effected by this person's experience.

Your husband is not responsible for them but has taken on the role to fix a awful situation consequently withdrawing and not prioritising his family. It is not selfish or wrong to point out to your husband that he has a duty of care to his family. He needs to understand this.
Your husband has become this person's crutch. He needs to guide the relative to professional help, while making them aware that he will be there for them but his family are important and need him.
You also need to understand how your husband feels, this awful thing happened within his family and has the need to do something. He too needs support from you. How has he been affected? How does he cope? He may feel like you dont understand , this is a common reaction especially when they can connect to someone who has had a similar experience ie.the relative.

You both need to set acceptable and workable boundaries. But the relative needs help from someone who can help them before you husband has a breakdown and burns out.

Other family members/partner doesn’t necessarily equal support. I can see why you are frustrated but ‘a few days before babies xmas’ isn’t an important date so you are clutching at straws. Your DH is a grown man and capable of making his own decisions. It must have taken a lot of courage for you relative to reach out to him.

It's admirable of your DH to do this - having someone to talk to, who will listen to you must be so important when you're depressed.

However. If said person is refusing to do anything else to help with their depression, I do think it's putting too much expectation on your DH to help out.

And given your current circumstances, I think it's good that you've told your DH how you feel about it. He does need to understand that you need support as well.

YABU for making your DH feel shitty about trying to be a good relative (I’m guessing son/sibling to the relative in question). Fine, you, find it frustrating but your DH is not doing anything wrong.

Instead of offering an ear to see how he’s coping with it, whether he wants or needs your support to try to change how he deals with the relative, you’ve just piled on a heap of guilt.

So now he gets to feel down about his relative, and his un-empathetic wife.

I think YABU if the family member has genuine issues and truly needs the immediate support of your husband.

The fact that you’ve not added the family relationship make me think he’s going to the aid of his mother or sibling. I can totally understand how this would be hurtful, especially if the timings make you suspect that there is a bit of manipulation going on by his family member. My best friends partners mother does exactly this - if she knows that have romantic plans for instance, she creates a drama and a reason for her son to ditch my best friend and run to her. It this is what is happening with you, if change my vote to YANBU!

Your dh sounds like a kind , caring man.

@MamaGee09, I think she did reach out and was told she was draining.

"Every so often" is not being someone's crutch, and even if it was if someone cannot move without crutches why are they negative to have? They are necessary sometimes.

People can't start therapeutic work for trauma until they are ready and stable enough. It's bloody hard work too, it's not just having a chat about what happened and getting it off your chest. It is a huge undertaking that can leave people more unwell and distressed even when they are ready for that work. If they're not yet, it would be unsafe.

And there are many reasons why medication may not be helpful or the right answer for someone. The right medication would at most take the edge off their distress, it wouldn't cure their trauma.

You're being unreasonable and coming across as prejudiced, whether that's intentional or not.

Recovering from trauma can take the entirety of someone's life without ever really being "well" again. It will take years and none of the things you're pointing at are the quick fixes or cures you seem to think.

If someone suffered a major physical traumatic injury would you be this critical that they were needing crutches or a wheelchair and that they hadn't snapped back to their previous self at a pace convenient to you? Would you paint them as selfish?

Being traumatised is not a choice.

So I suspect that this is something like your DH and his sibling lost another sibling in tragic circumstances. DH is the link to shared memories and childhood which is why he’s drawn into it and why he remains down for some time.

YANBU and YABU

Mental health issues are real and complex and not soluble simply with pills, but they can be improved and help should be sought and I have limited sympathy with people who refuse to get help when they need it.

I don’t think it’s actually helpful for your husband to go racing over because it sounds like the tragedy is being relived by the sound of it.

I would tell my DH that I expect him to be kind and supportive, it’s one of the things you love about him. But that he’s not helping the situation, his relative needs professional help and until they get it, he’s masking the problem and not actually helping them get better.

After that I’d disengage for a few weeks and see what happens.

If he makes no changes then a firmer stance is probably required.

I agree with @MamaGee09, which if he withdraws and then this relative does something to themselves? You DH would be in bits.
I think he should be encouraging the relative to seek professional help, it not turn his back on them.