To ask DH to back off from relative for the sake of our marriage?

[WatchingMyChickenStrip]

DH has a relative who has chronic depression and anxiety which started when a traumatic event happened within the family. The relative has never really sought any help for this- they've been prescribed medication which they haven't taken, offered therapy which they never went to.

Every so often, the relative will phone DH whenever they are having a particularly bad time and need to talk. DH usually ends up going round for hours, listening, trying to help. The relative usually rehashes the tragedy, and when DH comes home he is understanably upset himself for some time afterwards.

DH and I now have a non sleeping toddler, we're both working, and life is busy. I have had a really stressful time at work recently, we've caught every bug going this winter, and on top of the lack of sleep, I'm frankly run down and struggling a bit. Relative phoned DH on Friday, and he went round for two hours. We don't make a big thing of Valentine's day, but it was DH's day to do bath and bedtime while I cooked a nice meal and we were going to have a bit of a date night at home (cheesy I know, but we have nobody to babysit in the evenings) this ended up going up the left due to the relative's crisis.

This is where I'm perhaps being a bitch. The relative seems to need DH most at times when he's likely to be thinking of other things. Right before our wedding, when the baby was a few weeks old, a few days before baby's first Christmas, that sort of thing. I'm not saying they do it deliberately, but obviously I do notice it more when it's around certain times.

So I had a bit of a row with DH when he came back, and we haven't really spoken since. I told him that he needed to consider how much energy he expends on the relative versus how much he expends on his wife, because I was struggling right before his eyes, and he didn't seem to notice because he was caught up with relative. I also said that relative was basically a bottomless pit that he would never be able to fill or fix, and that it wasn't up to DH to be their crutch. DH said this was really unfair, but when I pointed out the length of time this has all been going on, plus the amount of time he has spent round there, and how nothing has helped long term, he went quiet.

We haven't really discussed it since, and I'm not sure whether to bring it up again or whether I've been unfair. DH is a really nice man, and his care and dedication to.family and friends is one of the things that made me fall in love with him, but I feel like at the minute it's at my detriment. I am known as a strong, capable person, which most of the time I'm glad to say I am, but I feel this is now being taken for granted

Relative lives within a few miles. No question of suicide or being admitted or anything like that. Relative works and has a family so is fairly high functioning. Their partner works odd shifts, and they are very protective over their family time when the partner is home, DH is never called up then, which is part of what annoys me I think, because DH has so often left during our family time to go and see the relative.

This has been going on for years. I have been very patient and understanding and I have done a lot to help the relative- I have taken their children for whole weekends to allow them to rest and reconnect with their partner, I have filled in forms and helped them look for new jobs.

I am fond of them and I know it's not their fault they are unwell but I am starting to resent DH being the go to man, because right now I am on my knees with stress and exhaustion and I feel I can't talk to DH or offload to him because then I'm just another person draining him. Whereas the relative has many people they can ask for help, I only really have DH.

People can't start therapeutic work for trauma until they are ready and stable enough.

This ^^

The OP and some posters are making much of the fact this person hasn't taken professional/medical help.

Well presumably the OP's DH and the rest of this person's family are encouraging them to do just that.

But it doesn't always happen as fast as we'd like. They need to do it when they're ready. You can't force it (unless sectioned but that's a whole other subject).

Caroline Flack did "reach out" she was told she was draining. Fear of a reaction like that stops a lot reaching out, or worse people do nothing when you tell them you need them.

OP, I completely understand your frustrations and I think your DH needs to perhaps compromise a bit more. Unfortunately mental illness is selfish. In my own situation, I do try to drop everything when I am needed as it is rarer nowadays but sometimes I've had to cut the "support" short as I have young children to look after.

I grew up with several relatives (including a parent) who had chronic depression / PD and either did not seek professional help or wouldn’t stick with it / take medication etc. Being constantly on call for them drained me for years and nearly ruined my marriage when my DH, much like you, felt he’d had enough. The thing I learned, sadly, was that I could never, ever do enough for them. The hours and hours of phone calls and visits and caretaking, the money given, none of it was ever enough, they always felt unloved, they always felt I had abandoned them or was insulting them in some way (by not cooking them nice enough food, by giving them insufficiently thoughtful gifts). It broke my heart that I could never get through to them that they were loved. Eventually I had a huge life crisis of my own (my child died) and they were appallingly aggressive with me, and I realised I couldn’t do it anymore and cut off contact. They are all still alive and well and have found other people to look after them.

I feel your pain, but I also feel your husband’s - he will be living his life overwhelmed with guilt and shame that he’s not good enough, and fear of what may happen. YANBU for feeling how you do.

People can't start therapeutic work for trauma until they are ready and stable enough.

Actually they can. I was unstable, severely traumatised and suicidally depressed when I started treatment. It helped me too.

Op, I don't think you can or should stop DH from going to the relative but you need to agree on the when. He can't just dump his family and show his children that they can't rely on him, he needs to do the family stuff first. He can go over after he has done his "chores". The relative will just have to wait. So basically if this person calls he should discuss it with you first and then call them back telling them that he'll be over in the afternoon/ after dinner/ after kids have gone to bed/ tomorrow tge whole day or whatever.

The other issue is that DH doesn't come home and all is well after this. He comes home and is miserable and withdrawn for days, sometimes weeks. Of course I am going to be supportive of him, but again "a few days before Christmas" means he was miserable and silent over Christmas. DH has otherwise dealt with the family tragedy in a very healthy way.

OP I agree with you, but you musn't take it personally or else you're part of the problem. Support your husband to disengage., from a netral position.
As the poorly person at some point you have to accept responsibilty for your own recovery and do the work involved, being ill after trauma is hard, it affects everything, all your relationships, but friends and family enabling dysfunction stops this process beginning.
Stepping back from the situation changes the dynamic. Its hard to stop talking about trauma, stuck in a loop, you are obsessed with it, night and day, mental and physical symptoms, but its not fair on anyone to stay in that place and not engage with care, letting family members take the place of professional support.
Your husband isnt helping, hes managing a situation but not helping, not really.
Ive had trauma therapy, it works. My sister who had the same trauma refuses to engage and has spent the last 20 years doing the same as your family member, refusing to engage, it controls everyone. She threatens suicide, lurches from one crisis to another, loses jobs, gets signed off work, separates from her husband, endless drama. We have stepped away, giving practical support with her kids, but otherwise nothing more than an oh dear, sorry to hear thats still a problem for you, what are you going to do about it? You can be assertive in these situations, have boundaries.

Can you talk to this persons partner? Maybe call them if the oerson asks for help but it's not convenievt family wise?

Supporting outer family should not be at the expense of your own immediate family and marriage imo..
Relative needs to get professional help.

At the end of the day, if the relative won't accept help that will actually help, then they can't expect various people to drop things and come running.

Said relative needs to seek professional help and stop expecting x, y and z to step in. It clearly isn't working as they're still struggling. I think it's time to take a step back. I've struggled in the past with depression but you simply cannot expect everyone to pander to you. You have to help yourself. And if you're going to continually refuse help, then you can't expect others to pick up the slack.

Your kids and you need to be your husband's priority.

What relation is this relative?

What was the family tragedy?

These are 2 key points that will affect any advice given.

Is the relative completely incapacitated permanently? It may be that you need to speak to your Dh again and explain that it would be better for you and possibly also for the relative if your Dh learnt some calming techniques to use on the phone and then arranged to see them at a later date. It’s teaching the relative that a more measured response is often more helpful. Perhaps he could be saying that they could come to your house for a meal. It really is good if you can get these things off a crisis footing, and rather than just allow the relative to retraumatise themself and your Dh,he could be then talking to them about seeking help. It is not therapeutic to keep reliving the trauma.

^This has been going on for years. I have been very patient and understanding and I have done a lot to help the relative- I have taken their children for whole weekends to allow them to rest and reconnect with their partner, I have filled in forms and helped them look for new jobs.

I am fond of them and I know it's not their fault they are unwell but I am starting to resent DH being the go to man, because right now I am on my knees with stress and exhaustion and I feel I can't talk to DH or offload to him because then I'm just another person draining him. Whereas the relative has many people they can ask for help, I only really have DH.^

You see, surely if you said this directly to your husband, in a calm way, he could not help but see where you are coming from and listen to you? You are talking sense.

DH has of course encouraged them to seek help. They have stayed at about the same level for years - functioning depression that has peaks and troughs, I suppose, but there's been no real change for better or worse and I'm not sure there ever will be while the current status quo is maintained. Meanwhile I feel like I'm drowning and people are just watching me because "oooh she takes everything in her stride"

Why isn’t the persons partner helping and supporting them? Their relationship will be suffering as the person goes to your dp instead of their partner. Weird.

It could be that the partner has been told by therapists what to do for the person (phone therapist) and the person doesn’t like that (wants sympathy and cuddles), so because family are doing what the therapist said (perhaps along the lines of don’t offer help make person come to me as I can test professionally instead of you well meaning have-a-go-amateurs which could make it worse) the person is turning to your dp who is providing assistance he is not qualified or experienced enough to give. And this is proved by the fact he is being badly affected. And things are not improving.

No, the answer is for dp to speak to person and tell them that he will take them to their first therapy session and get them started and that they must take their meds and continue to go to all appointments. That he will check in with the once a week on the phone at a set time to see how their session went. Basically he needs to pull back as what he’s trying to do isn’t helping person. They need professional help.
He thinks he’s helping but he’s actually enabling them. He needs to pull back, not because he doesn’t care, but because he DOES care! The person needs the therapist to be their crutch and then the crutch will professionally judge when best to pull back. By him providing support person is able to refuse meds and therapy. If he backs off and sticks to his guns, person will have to take the professional help.

Does he know that you are feeling drained and that you need him to step up

And I have to say it’s clear he hasn’t processed the tragedy either if this is the result

The partner, from what I gather, is a bit of a pat on the arm and "it'll be OK" before wandering off to do their own thing sort of person. That's just my guess though.

It's a sibling of DH, yes, and the tragedy was the death of a close family member. I was trying to get unbiased answers, I wasn't being precious or anything

Supporting someone through mental health problems is draining, I’ve got angry at my sibling as sometimes they won’t accept help even when it’s put on a plate for them, I have told them out of anger that I’m drained but I’m still there.

At times my dh and kids have been left for hours while I’m out trailing about to try and find my sibling who has phoned in tears. At times dh has told me to take a step back and at times dinner has been interrupted, as have days out but if I my sibling phoned and I didn’t go and they didn’t something to them self then I couldn’t live with the guilt!

I thin I would start off a conversation with your DH when you're both calm and receptive, and ask him how he feels about this relative. Does he think they're getting better, talk through that problem. Then talk about how it impacts on him. Mention how you noticed that he is affected for days, even weeks.

Then say you have huge sympathy for this relative. Point out how you've also been involved, eg childcare etc. But then talk about how you're both on your knees and things with this relative are really impacting your life.

Then talk about how you feel so far down on his list, what are the priorities for the family?

If you can keep emotional intensity out of it, stay calm and non-accusatory, then you can work through a solution together. If you come at him with complaints, he'll just get defensive.

I'm married to a 'nice' man. As we speak he's round at his mother's for second time today. Yesterday he went four times totalling over three hours. We live local to her but then again so do her other two sons, closer in one case and a few streets further away in the other. They call round now and again when it suits them, sometimes they announce they 'can't be bothered today / this weekend/whatever'.
So my DH goes round for every mealtime, bedtime iows when she needs assistance or we end up with her falling or blood sugar dangerously low etc. They don't seem to have or want to have grasped the fact that she needs at least three visits a day not just when they fancy. I've told dh it's badly affecting us and he needs to do a rota with them for her meals etc but they don't stick to it for very long. I've no idea what to do just thought ld let you know l feel your pain.

The problem is here is that the siblings feel it the same so naturally gravitate towards each other.

It sounds like the issues are twofold. One you need to tell him you need his help and two his response to it. His response to it shows he hasn’t dealt with it and I think is separate to his relative

Yanbu op. It's a tricky one.

I agree with PP that your DH may inadvertently be doing more harm than good. The family member is possibly using your DH as a way of avoiding more active therapeutic work. It’s also harmful to your DH’s mental health which clearly doesn’t bother the family member.

I do think it might be in everyone’s interests if he put boundaries on the support. Even if it’s just to say that he is not immediately available.

Essentially the relative doesn't need therapy because they have your DH.

Unfortunately their behaviour has a negative impact on DH - making him relive his trauma and making him depressed for days, and a negative impact on his family - OP and the toddler. Although it has a postive impact of making DH feel needed and a good relative which is presumably why he has done it for so long.

Somehow you have to get your DH to see that along the way, his support has turned into enabling the relative not to heal. And it has a negative impact on himself and his family.

He has to change his support - saying he can't drop everything and pop round, calls have a maximum length, this issue sounds so serious it's beyond him and needs a therapist.

These are all still genuinely supportive acts and not abandoning the relative but helping them get into the reality of life as it is lived.

I think YANBU. I think the fact that this traumatic loss happened years ago means that really, the sibling in question needs to begin to find different coping mechanisms then this.

I wonder if by giving in and rushing round every time the sibling feels low, DH is actually hampering this person and stopping them from doing the healing they need to do.