To ask DH to back off from relative for the sake of our marriage?

[WatchingMyChickenStrip]

DH has a relative who has chronic depression and anxiety which started when a traumatic event happened within the family. The relative has never really sought any help for this- they've been prescribed medication which they haven't taken, offered therapy which they never went to.

Every so often, the relative will phone DH whenever they are having a particularly bad time and need to talk. DH usually ends up going round for hours, listening, trying to help. The relative usually rehashes the tragedy, and when DH comes home he is understanably upset himself for some time afterwards.

DH and I now have a non sleeping toddler, we're both working, and life is busy. I have had a really stressful time at work recently, we've caught every bug going this winter, and on top of the lack of sleep, I'm frankly run down and struggling a bit. Relative phoned DH on Friday, and he went round for two hours. We don't make a big thing of Valentine's day, but it was DH's day to do bath and bedtime while I cooked a nice meal and we were going to have a bit of a date night at home (cheesy I know, but we have nobody to babysit in the evenings) this ended up going up the left due to the relative's crisis.

This is where I'm perhaps being a bitch. The relative seems to need DH most at times when he's likely to be thinking of other things. Right before our wedding, when the baby was a few weeks old, a few days before baby's first Christmas, that sort of thing. I'm not saying they do it deliberately, but obviously I do notice it more when it's around certain times.

So I had a bit of a row with DH when he came back, and we haven't really spoken since. I told him that he needed to consider how much energy he expends on the relative versus how much he expends on his wife, because I was struggling right before his eyes, and he didn't seem to notice because he was caught up with relative. I also said that relative was basically a bottomless pit that he would never be able to fill or fix, and that it wasn't up to DH to be their crutch. DH said this was really unfair, but when I pointed out the length of time this has all been going on, plus the amount of time he has spent round there, and how nothing has helped long term, he went quiet.

We haven't really discussed it since, and I'm not sure whether to bring it up again or whether I've been unfair. DH is a really nice man, and his care and dedication to.family and friends is one of the things that made me fall in love with him, but I feel like at the minute it's at my detriment. I am known as a strong, capable person, which most of the time I'm glad to say I am, but I feel this is now being taken for granted

@maryberryslayers

Just tell him his responsibility is for his own family first going forward. You are not going to be picking up the slack while he goes off sorting other people issues. Suggest that he speaks to them on the phone for a few minutes once he's done what he was supposed to be doing (bed, bath etc), but going round at the drop of a hat is out of the question.

He needs to look after his own wife first and let the siblings spouse look after them. If they don't then that's something the sibling needs to address.

Tell him to make this clear to them as his own marriage is suffering and suggest they visit the doctors or a bereavement charity for proper help to improve the situation. He may well think he is doing the right thing but if his own wife is struggling then he needs to reassess his priorities.

All of this. ^

@WatchingMyChickenStrip

YANBU. He needs to STOP this, and he is being outraeously unreasonable by carrying it on!

I wonder how your DH would feel if you kept fucking off for hours on end (even days) and leaving him with the baby whilst you let someone use you as their shoulder to cry on?

Some people take advantage of people, and this relative of your DH's is definitely doing that to him. As a few people have said, this smacks of attention-seeking, and your DH is enabling her...

Maybe YOU should find someone who needs a listening ear, and then go off for hours on end/stay overnight, and leave him with the baby, and then act all maudlin for a week or so after, and 'unable' to do anything around the house, or with the baby. See how HE likes it.

I can understand your frustration but as this has been going on before your wedding I presume you always knew this person relied on your DH for support?

Your DH sounds like an excellent support to this relative and could be a lifeline for them. You are supposed to be a support for your DH when he comes back upset.

Im sorry to tell you that after a tragedy life doesn't just go back to normal ever. People live with grief and have good days and bad days so whilst it would be lovely for that person not to require support from your DH it's quite likely they will continue to do so. Your sounds like a saint and a great support, please dont be selfish with him.

Please support your DH as he goes through this aswell.

Yy to earlier post silent p.

And Yy to him having to relive this trauma.

Loli it's not fair to ask op to be more supportive. She's also struggling.

She can't do more.

The post about the relative needing to address this in their own marriage is also spot on.
There does come a point where people need to help themselves.

I really empathise. It can be so, so hard to be seen as strong and capable, which does mean you get put second all too easily. I think your DH did the right thing on Friday, but I also think it's really good for him to hear that, just because you cope, your needs shouldn't be pushed aside. It can be fucking shit being the one who is known as a coper.

I get that you're frustrated, but you can never tell someone that you take priority over a sibling in crisis. You won't win (especially if you're arguing that the sibling isn't really in crisis).

Other posters have already identified the reasons why your DH won't/can't back off, but I think what is lacking is a separate discussion on how to make your life easier. It strikes me that you wouldn't be half as frustrated if you felt like your needs were also being taken care of.

You work, your child doesn't sleep, work is stressful, life is stressful, you've been ill repeatedly - take the sibling out of the equation and there is still a person who is tired and unhappy and needs a time out to recharge.

How are you managing the non-sleeping toddler? Do you absolutely both have to get woken up, or can you change your sleeping arrangements (even if just temporarily) so you get to take it in turns having undisturbed (or even just less disturbed) sleep?

Do you have any friends in the same line as work as you who can you catch up with and have a general moan with? Sometimes it helps to let off steam with people who know exactly what you're talking about.

You've been run down - any chance of booking a couple of days off work, going away and just sleeping? A local AirBnB or bed and breakfast would be lovely and doesn't have to be too expensive. Failing that, maybe stay with a friend or relative?

Life is busy - does it have to be? Are all of your commitments non-negotiable or could you cut/scale back any of them?

Find a way to increase your own happiness yourself and you'll be less resentful of the sibling.

DH is a really nice man, and his care and dedication to.family and friends is one of the things that made me fall in love with him

Why not kindly and gently tell him that?

I've told DP almost exactly the same when he was in a difficult situation with a relative - and then went on to say the hard bit, that I understand he feels he needs to be there and help and have supported him to do so for a very long time, but I was ill, we were skint, it was unsustainable for me/both of us to continue and it was too great a responsibility for him to shoulder; my concern, care and obligation was towards him first and foremost and, for his own sake, I was telling him it was too much. The relative went on to access the help they had been refusing on the basis that DP was there to do it all.

I wouldn't phrase it in terms of 'what about meeeeeeee', because I don't think this is entirely the case for you anyhow. You're sad because he was sad and drained over Christmas. You're sad because it takes a toll on him. And yes, you also want him - who wouldn't? - but he cannot fix it, he cannot be a therapist any more than the partner can be and he's also dealing with the same loss, but (presumably) hasn't demanded the same from that relative.

He can't take on two loads. He has his own and you will (and I expect you do) always support him with his, but he can't let that happen to himself for his own health and relationship. He's allowed to be happy and deserves it. It's why you love him, but it's also why you want him to hear what you're saying.

The relative seems to have decided that everybody else will be part of their misery, refusing medication & therapy is selfish, if you are taking proactive steps to be responsible for yourself, then fair enough.
They are not taking responsibility for themself, they have decided instead that everyone can drop everything when they whistle..

Would it work to arrange a 'regular' visit, say weekly or fortnightly to this relative?

I totally understand how shitty this is, I had MH problems and did the 'so self-absorbed I couldn't see I was being shitty' routine for years. I cringe now to think about how many times people had to listen to me repeating the same script they'd heard a thousand times before, But if they didn't I genuinely felt abandoned by them.
My feelings were not reality and they were led by my fucked up point of view.

Your oh needs to feel he's doing something, which is understandable. I don't think it's helping to drop everything at a moments notice. With a scheduled visitation schedule, your oh has not abandoned anyone.

Bring your flames I'm wearing teflon

Maybe your dh need tontalk to this persons partner and tell them that they need to step up because its affecting your family life, and also his own mental health.

His support is not dealing with the problem - for real depression, trauma, etc, professional help is needed. By trying to help, Dh is legitimising this persons refusal to accept effective help. That’s not a kindness

Wise words, clearly coming from a place of experience and deep understanding. As said, this isn't about casting off the relative but finding a way forward which will best help everyone - himself and OP included

After all what's the alternative, given this has already been going on for years?

Ahhh tricky one. I don't think you are being unreasonable, and it sounds like his sibling does really need some support beyond family and friends. However, I think it ultimately needs to be his decision in how he deals with it, but I would have a very open and honest discussion with him. Make sure as you have here to point out you fully understand why he does it, and that you want to support both him and her, but that it is not sustainable and perhaps you all need to work something out. Good luck, situations like this are really hard for all involved.

OP, I really feel for you.
Not fun at all to have a spouse who tries to be there for others while you just have to get on with it.

Personally, I wouldn't waste one moment feeling bad about telling your husband.

You must be feeling pretty down knowing that you are the one who is going to have to cope with the fallout of your husband being supportive to his sibling.

The not knowing the hour or the day when a call will come in and he will head off to help and you are left with days and weeks of him being down afterwards is awful.

You have said your piece. Do not apologise or feel bad about it.

Seems like you have a lot to put up with.

Is this going to be your life with him?

He seems to think it's just fine for you to step up at any time and carry the load of family life whenever he gets the call.

I don't mean to be harsh.
I understand that he wants to support his sibling but the consequences of that support are massive for you and your child, and the fact that you had a miserable husband over Christmas means it has an affect on your child.

All in all OP..you have my sympathy

I really feel for you. That is a very difficult position to be in. Your husband sounds like he has become the main focus of support for someone who needs professional help. That in itself is dangerous for all involved.

Two points. Firstly, this person has refused professional help and medication. They are avoiding confronting their issues and your husband is enabling them to do this. While ever this set up continues then the relatives health will not improve. They have reached a stalemate that is comfortable for them. This is unfair on you.

Secondly and most important, you yourself sound like you are suffering due to this. It is having an impact on your mental health. Please do not underestimate this. Your family life can at any moment be turned upside down by this person. Your plans stopped in their tracks. You are tired and sleep deprived, you have a young baby. You need your husbands undivided support, that you can rely on.
If this continues the impact on you will only get worse. The relative will stay the same as they have found a secure place in their own recovery where they are unwilling to push boundaries and to help themselves recover more.
Please speak to your husband, but in a calm manner, I know that may be hard. Your requests are all perfectly understandable and reasonable.
Remember you need to take care of yourself too.

It’s like people are purposefully ignoring the part where you say he’s emotionally exhausted and a wreck after extensively supporting his sibling.

And sooner or later this will begin to impact on their child, if it isn't already. The child will notice that Daddy is often tired and sad and doesn't want to play, or read a story, or go to the park. At the moment, the dh isn't prioritising his wife or his child. Is the child supposed to be understanding, too?

Other posters have already identified the reasons why your DH won't/can't back off, but I think what is lacking is a separate discussion on how to make your life easier. It strikes me that you wouldn't be half as frustrated if you felt like your needs were also being taken care of.

But making life easier for the op does require the dh to put his own family first, because he needs to be looking after his child while the op is taking time for herself. What if she's booked a weekend away, or a night out with friends, as suggested, and the relative calls just as she's on her way out of the door?

We are all so quick to agree with social media posts saying it coats nothing to be kind/send a text/make a call/ask someone how they are, but how many actually do it?

I personally think this is a damaging message. As illustrated in this thread, simply telling someone you are struggling doesn't make things ok.

Telling someone you are having mental health issues doesn't cure them any more than telling someone you have a physical illness will cure it.

The point is that by telling someone they can help you to access the appropriate professional help when you arent in the right place mentally to do this.

@JustYouDoYou YES!!!! Totally agree.

Others have missed her point AND dont see she is seeking support about HER situation. Yet again people are running to the defence of the relative. Without actually seeing the potential trauma that child might experience when her parents arent working together to sort out their issues ie. Divorce. She is not unreasonable for looking support from her partner.

There is support and the relative is refusing, so the easiest thing to do is become dependent on a person who has no experience in MH and therefore create other problems.

Furthermore, I am in noway undermining the relatives issues because trauma is very very real but seeking support from untrained professionals can be very damaging. That is something people need to Understand, trauma causes a ripple effect and no body is working together then it can cause more problems. If she's not ready for therapeutic resources then ok. But that doesn't make ok to demand people to drop and run when their is other things she can do to help herself.. I dont think this lady wants her husband to stop, she just needs some support too.

Hi OP,

Just want to say I sympathise massively having been in several similar situations and also having had my own period of poor mental health.

It really is a huge can of worms with no easy answers. I have also read the other threads on AIBU today in the aftermath of the Caroline Flack story, and the whole issue of bottomless support and the "draining" factor, and it strikes me that there is an element of the domino effect that occurs..... someone supporting someone with severe mental health issues will be affected and also need support.... and so it goes on.

Yes, we should be helpful and supportive, no, there are no quick fixes, guilt and fear of the worst possible outcome can make people feel trapped and obligated to their own detriment. This can lead to anger and frustration because there seems to be no end to the issue, and if there is no progress at all, no moving forward, it feels very hopeless.

Many mental health issues, in my experience, have an underlying feeling of loss of control, of isolation, of feeling apart emotionally from "normal" people, when in fact everyone will have difficulty at some point with trauma, situations outside of their control etc.

Listening, acknowledging and to an extent validating someone's feelings and experiences is very important, but it goes for everyone involved. If someone's stiff upper lip starts to crumble, it's a sign that time out is needed or better communication to create a network and share the caring as much as possible. The pressure of feeling that if you don't continually step up and something really bad happens it is your fault is maddening in itself.

I would say that recognising a limit is being reached and seeking ways to address it is a more healthy way to deal with the situation than letting it build up to the point of no return. Communication is key, and even if it is uncomfortable it is better and more honest than silence that builds to a fury.

Only you know yours and your DHs dynamic and personalities, and I think it shows a great deal of courage to come here, and test out whether you are being unreasonable or not. You have had a mixed bag of responses but your post seems well balanced and you are self aware and obviously concerned not just for yourself but everyone in the situation. I hope you manage to have the conversations you need and achieve the balance that will suit everyone and that the future sees an improvement. Very best wishes.

YABU ... this happens every 6 weeks or so, not daily or even every week. You can spare him for an hour or so whilst he gives the family member's other supporters and bit a break from their own caring for this person.

Having said that, he needs to start making his support contingent of the relative getting some professional help and also to not be immediately available every time the phone rings. As in, "sorry I can't come right now but will see you at the weekend/in the morning/after work on Thursday" etc.

A tough one.

Hmm I think the relative is expecting too much of your DH, and your DH is doing too much for this relative.

Your DH has a family now, he has a child. Said child takes priority, then his wife after that. This relative has a partner and other family, plus doctors from the sounds of it. They are the ones refusing proper help, they won't take medication, they wont go to therapy. I'd have sat them down a long time ago and asked why. Yeah it's a big step to go to therapy, but the problem won't go away on its own. This has been going on for a number of years, how much longer is this going to keep running their life?

Your husband is not their doctor or therapist. That is who they need, not your husband. Your husband needs to prioritise his family, his immediate family. Not saying he should dump this person and let them go it alone, but running off everytime they snap their fingers isn't right. They need professional help.

I feel like I need to make a few things clear

1. Baby's first Christmas. I feel like this is making me look precious. I have said repeatedly that DH is emotionally wrecked after these sessions. It isn't just that he didn't dedicate every day of December to his princess of a wife and new baby. He was miserable and down afterwards, this lasted until Christmas day. He spent most of the day in bed - something he never usually does. I cooked the dinner with the baby in the sling, he ate it and went back to bed. We were TTC five years for our baby. I was looking forward to that first Christmas and felt very sad that he couldn't enjoy it either.

2. DH is very, very different from his sibling. They grieve in very different ways. DH will never truly get over his loss, but he is a naturally upbeat and energetic person. He remembers the good things about the person he has lost, he celebrates their life listens to their favourite songs, eats their favourite food when he wants to feel close to them. That is how he copes. We lived abroad for a number of years and these talks with the sibling didn't happen, and DH never took to his bed or fell into days of misery.

The sibling grieves differently. They want to remember all the gory details of the death, and there are many. They want to rehash everything, how the person looked when they were dead, the funeral, the circumstances of their death. I can't tell you how distressing DH finds this. It overshadows his memories of the dead person, and for days he falls into this misery because he can't remember their voice or their smile, all he can remember is their death. He has invasive dreams around this. Only after some time has passed do these thoughts and images fade, and his own coping mechanisms and memories float to the top again.

3. I am usually nothing but supportive to DH. I accepted there would be parts of him that would always be painful due to his loss. He knows I am struggling, but not how bad I really feel, because how can I burden him with that? I don't expect him to come and pander to me over his sibling, I want him to have the space for himself and his family and his own mental health which is fucked every time his sibling needs help

4)which does kind of bring it back down to me, because where's my help and support? And yes this is where I do feel resentful. If I wasn't around, he would simply have to tell his sibling he couldn't drop everything. Who would bathe the toddler, make the tea, get up with the toddler? He could hardly take a small child round to listen in to that sort of conversation.

5. I don't assume sibling is protective of family time, I know they are, they've said so. They have missed family events and DH significant birthday because they will not sacrifice any of their own family time. They have said that very clearly. That's their choice, but again it galls me when so many of our occasions have been overshadowed by their need to offload to DH

The problem is @MrsExpo is that the impact of these visits can last for weeks.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. They have been given so.many opportunities to deal with their issues yet they don't as quite clearly they are being enabled to carry on the way they are and sadly some people thrive on this. Sometimes for the sake of our own MH a tough choice has to be made. We have one in our family like this and I had to intervene as she was making my DM ill.

Also it does not happen every six weeks. The longest we've gone is six weeks, but it's usually on average every other week, although sometimes it can be a few times a week. It depends. It sometimes seems to happen in clusters.

Lots of “they need professional help” comments. Very very naive to think professional help is actually available or, when it is, if it’s actually any good.

I have dealt with someone with severe depression. Your DH is enabling them to not engage with professional help. In addition, it seems you may be starting to head that way yourself from what you have said.

I think another discussion is needed, but you do need to get across that your DH, however kind he is being, may actually not be helping as much as he thinks. His support should be aiming towards them engaging with therapy with trained professionals. I remember when a friend saw one and I thought some of the things they were saying seemed harsh, but my friend recovered because said professional knew the best way of dealing with things.