To ask DH to back off from relative for the sake of our marriage?

[WatchingMyChickenStrip]

DH has a relative who has chronic depression and anxiety which started when a traumatic event happened within the family. The relative has never really sought any help for this- they've been prescribed medication which they haven't taken, offered therapy which they never went to.

Every so often, the relative will phone DH whenever they are having a particularly bad time and need to talk. DH usually ends up going round for hours, listening, trying to help. The relative usually rehashes the tragedy, and when DH comes home he is understanably upset himself for some time afterwards.

DH and I now have a non sleeping toddler, we're both working, and life is busy. I have had a really stressful time at work recently, we've caught every bug going this winter, and on top of the lack of sleep, I'm frankly run down and struggling a bit. Relative phoned DH on Friday, and he went round for two hours. We don't make a big thing of Valentine's day, but it was DH's day to do bath and bedtime while I cooked a nice meal and we were going to have a bit of a date night at home (cheesy I know, but we have nobody to babysit in the evenings) this ended up going up the left due to the relative's crisis.

This is where I'm perhaps being a bitch. The relative seems to need DH most at times when he's likely to be thinking of other things. Right before our wedding, when the baby was a few weeks old, a few days before baby's first Christmas, that sort of thing. I'm not saying they do it deliberately, but obviously I do notice it more when it's around certain times.

So I had a bit of a row with DH when he came back, and we haven't really spoken since. I told him that he needed to consider how much energy he expends on the relative versus how much he expends on his wife, because I was struggling right before his eyes, and he didn't seem to notice because he was caught up with relative. I also said that relative was basically a bottomless pit that he would never be able to fill or fix, and that it wasn't up to DH to be their crutch. DH said this was really unfair, but when I pointed out the length of time this has all been going on, plus the amount of time he has spent round there, and how nothing has helped long term, he went quiet.

We haven't really discussed it since, and I'm not sure whether to bring it up again or whether I've been unfair. DH is a really nice man, and his care and dedication to.family and friends is one of the things that made me fall in love with him, but I feel like at the minute it's at my detriment. I am known as a strong, capable person, which most of the time I'm glad to say I am, but I feel this is now being taken for granted

He's my take on all things like that.

People are allowed to have needs and wants.

The traumatised family member is perfectly allowed to have needs. Theyre perfectly allowed to ask for help to get their needs fulfilled.

What they're not entitled to do is to demand that a specific person fulfils their need.

If they need companionship, they don't get to demand that it can only be from your DH.

If they need therapeutic intervention, they don't get to demand that a specific therapist is available to them at 3am, because we all understand boundaries around a professional's need to have time off work and to sleep. We even understand that a professional may decide not to take on a specific case or to terminate a therapeutic relationship for any reason.

For some reason, we can struggle to apply this to friends and family.

It sounds very unhealthy that DH is being leaned on as the only person that can help traumatised relative and has to clear all plans and put aside his needs to be at relative's beck and call 24/7/365. It sounds hurtful that he prioritises fulfilling relative's needs over yours and your children's needs every time.

Tell your DH that you need to go to marriage counselling to talk about this issue because it’s damaging your relationship. He needs to understand:

1. He isn’t helping his relative by being so available
2. He isn’t responsible for his relative’s actions
3. Nothing will change until his relative is prepared to seek help
4. He needs to put you and his child first and learn to say no

A decent counsellor will see that your DH is caught up in FOG (fear, obligation and guilt)

Being traumatised is not a choice

This. I have been that relative - except in my case it was my husband's best friend who was with me when I discovered his dead body. It took me a long time to accept professional help because my husband had tons of it and it hadn't helped and he still killed him self. During that time I had a lovely, understanding family but the only person I could really talk to was this friend. He would drop everything when I needed him and he actually saved my life because I was determined to follow my husband and kill myself for a while.

I am aware that it probably caused problems in his marriage at the time, but he felt that my need was more important than his wife's at that moment in time. And, you know what, he was right. If that makes me a selfish person then so be it.

So the relative has some sort of PTSD and you’re moaning that your dh is giving them support when they have a crisis

You've completely missed the point, and obviously misread what op was talking about, but I'm not surprised. On my on mumsnet must everyone sacrifice everything for those suffering mental health issues WHO WON'T SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP. I remember reading on here last year the opinion that if you dare tell a mh sufferer to seek professional help for something you can't seem to help with "THAT MAKES YOU A CUNT". They literally used those words. What in Earth would people have us fucking do?

I’d be gutted if DH made me pick between him and a sibling. My siblings will always be that, nothing can change it. It’s once every six weeks or so and he obviously wants to be there for them and it shows the type of person he is.

I think your DH is trying his hardest to be there to support his very unwell relative, while balancing the needs of his wife and family. While I understand your frustration, some of what you wrote sounds very selfish. For example, the bit about seeing the relative before your baby's first Christmas. Why did you need him so much then that you couldn't spare him for a few hours? He will feel very torn and probably responsible to a degree for the relative's mental wellbeing. You arguing with him about it will only make him feel awful, and I'm sure you don't want that. You both need to have a calm conversation about this, perhaps your DH can say no to the relative sometimes, while being available other times. Would that be ok? Remind him that he needs to take care of his own mental health too.

To those who say the relative's partner should provide the support, you have clearly never been close to someone who suffers from depression. It is the most unrelenting, selfish and debilitating illness that threatens to consume all around the affected person. The relative's partner cannot and should not have to support them alone and I'm sure they appreciate the small amount of time (because that's what it will seem to them) that the OPs DH can spare to help them.

We are all so quick to agree with social media posts saying it coats nothing to be kind/send a text/make a call/ask someone how they are, but how many actually do it? It seems like everyone expects everyone else to do this, when very few actually do. Saying they have a partner is a cop out. We all know someone who is struggling so send that text today if you really want to help.

"So I had a bit of a row with DH when he came back, and we haven't really spoken since. I told him that he needed to consider how much energy he expends on the relative versus how much he expends on his wife, because I was struggling right before his eyes, and he didn't seem to notice because he was caught up with relative. I also said that relative was basically a bottomless pit that he would never be able to fill or fix, and that it wasn't up to DH to be their crutch. DH said this was really unfair, but when I pointed out the length of time this has all been going on, plus the amount of time he has spent round there, and how nothing has helped long term, he went quiet."

I have a lot of sympathy for your DH. He is trying to support a relative (albeit they should be more proactive in seeking other forms of support) and his wife tells him he should be supporting her more and they don't speak for two days after having a fight about it.

@AzraiL has a good post. I think I would be approaching it as you are concerned about the impact on him and therefore the impact on your marriage and you. Absolutely you should tell him you are struggling, but your OP was all about you and that conversation with your DH comes across as all about you. I would be exhausted in your DH's shoes, everyone is asking him for support!

Could he perhaps rather than going round on the hop, see them more regularly and talk then, or as PP said, offer to accompany them to therapy, or arrange his own therapy and ask the relative to do the same so they can support each other?

(I'm also not trying to pry, and really want this to come across sensitively as I mean it this way). it also occurred to me, having experienced a similar scenario, that if the traumatic death involved someone taking their own life, your DH may be very aware of this and fears it happening again, and it may influence him that he feels he has to support them to such an extent)

I can understand how, on Valentines day, you felt he prioritised his relative over you. It’s not so much the support You object to, more the timing.

Your dh could have easily said that he will meet relative the next day for coffee, rather than dropping everything and going running. You’d like your husband to show you and your family that level of support and priority.

a few days before baby's first Christmas

That is a few days before a random Christmas though-that’s not any particularly special day.

I would imagine DH just wants to support his, I assume, sister. Did she lose a child? Some things you never get over

YANBU. It's too easy to assume you will cope because you have so far whilst he goes off to support his relative. If he cares about other people, then you should be at the top of his list.

He also needs to think about whether he actually is helping. It's interesting that relative's wife is leaving him to it is interesting: she must know him very well, is it her experience that a fairly robust approach actually works better? If your DH has been dropping everything to go round on demand for years but nothing is actually getting better, then the time has come for him to be quite firm with his relative about getting professional help. If part of that requires him to make it clear that sometimes he has to put his own wife and family first, then that is what needs to happen.

Being traumatised us not a choice

Refusing professional support and advice for your trauma absolutely is though.

If this relative was constantly asking your dh to chauffeur them about and run errands for them because they'd broken their ankle but refused to see a doctor or wear a cast, I wonder how many people would say you were wrong to try and enforce some boundaries.

Yes, some things can't be "healed" and to call someone in that situation "a bottomless pit" would be awful for someone trying to support them.

Are you giving your DH an ultimatum ?

Speaking as someone who has encountered mental illness & severe depression in my family I’d be concerned your Dh was unintentionally enabling this person. Clearly his support is not dealing with the problem - for real depression, trauma, etc, professional help is needed. By trying to help, Dh is legitimising this persons refusal to accept effective help. That’s not a kindness.
Honestly- in my family things went disastrously wrong as a result of someone not getting appropriate professional help. I’d strongly suggest you recommend to your Dh that he step back & with the rest of the family speak to this person about getting some proper help. The current system isn’t working.

I also said that relative was basically a bottomless pit that he would never be able to fill or fix

If my husband or partner ever said this about one of my siblings, they would cease to be my husband or partner.

He needs to be encouraging her to seek professional help. This is not healthy for either of them, and it is affecting his family life and mental health with really no benefit for her.

YANBU.

I have only read the original post ..

So in my opinion if the said relative is a female than having these episodes before a significant day looks like a put on .. ( I am NOT saying this person does not have issues!)

Before your wedding?
Xmas?
V Day?

Seems likes it attention seeking 🤷🏻‍♀️

Like I said NOT minimising the persons issues in any shape or form ..

But if these issues arise when you DH is otherwise with you or celebrating a special day then I will be thinking it is a put on To take DH attention away from you and baby to make the person feel that DH will always jump when been called upon🤷🏻‍♀️

That is just MY opinion

Lastly the said person should be encouraged to seek professional help and not keep running to DH as it seems talking to him is not helping the person overcome or deal with their issues

All these posters expecting spouses and family members to be a bottomless pit of never ending support, never having needs of their own. There has to be a balance. @YouJustDoYou is a voice of reason here.

@mum11970 I really hope you don't get told later by your 15 year old, or your husband, that it hasn't been ok to put them at the bottom of the list all this time and that they've suffered because of it. It will be pretty obvious to them that you don't want them to show resentment even if they feel it and that's a recipe for problem. Dementia care (I've been there) is immensely draining on everyone involved and the person with dementia simply cannot come first each and every time at other people's expense.

What about telling dh
Sibling has huge needs and calling dh round puts a temp plaster on the wound but it keeps letting bigger
She needs professional help to get better but dh constantly making things a bit better stops her needing to seek help
Dh needs professional help too, doubtful he's sought help, maybe stuck head in sand?
And it's affecting you. Regardless of the reasons dh is leaving x amount of days a week and it affects his mood, in turn yours which isn't fair re lack of help and the mood.

Even if it were true @Leighhalfpennysthigh ? Because I think "bottomless pit" is a pretty good descriptor for untreated depression. It just goes on and on and "listening" and "being there" just aren't enough to cure it, or even to relieve it for more than a moment.

@WatchingMyChickenStrip was your DH also involved in the traumatic family event? If so, it must be like constantly rubbing salt into a wound if he has to keep reliving and discussing it. It’s a horrible situation for your DH to be in.

Elba and brigid are spot on.

Your dh is standing in the way of this person's recovery in the nicest way possible.
You need to support him to dis engage.

And its not fair that your on your knees with a toddler. The worst case scenario here is that you leave him. I'm sure you won't but we are all human and there is only so much we can take.
Some people sadly cannot get themselves out of trauma or whatever. Some people choose not too.

Their life decisions shouldn't impact on yours and your dh being sucked in is having a knock on effect. I've had trauma and people have supported me. Luckily for short periods of time and I'd never expect someone to leave their partner alone struggling with a toddler.

Help your dh see that his sibling needs professional help. It's very worrying that his own mood is affected too. He can't really help others in this way unless he is also in a strong position.

It’s like people are purposefully ignoring the part where you say he’s emotionally exhausted and a wreck after extensively supporting his sibling.
To deal with an another’s emotional pain is a heavy burden to carry alone, and really his sibling should be seeking professional help, as well as leaning on numerous relatives they love and trust.

I don’t think you’re being selfish to not want your DH to be in a terrible emotional place, meaning you are in left to support him and deal with everything else in your regular lives whilst he recovers. This is especially true when it’s been years since it all began.

If you're mentally struggling as much as you say, you need to make sure he is aware, but also seek your own help op.

As for his relative, of course he should be able to give them help, but of course again he needs to try to recover from what that involves.

Stopping him giving support is just going to make the whole thing worse. He will deeply resent you for making him choose like this

You're turning it into a competition for no reason. If you're struggling then the issue isn't DH visiting a relative every couple of months, it's that you feel he isn't there for you the rest of the time. Tell him the support you need. But don't make it be at the expense of him helping his relative. If his relative has PTSD then 'big' dates will be triggers. They're not doing it to spite you.