To ask DH to back off from relative for the sake of our marriage?

[WatchingMyChickenStrip]

DH has a relative who has chronic depression and anxiety which started when a traumatic event happened within the family. The relative has never really sought any help for this- they've been prescribed medication which they haven't taken, offered therapy which they never went to.

Every so often, the relative will phone DH whenever they are having a particularly bad time and need to talk. DH usually ends up going round for hours, listening, trying to help. The relative usually rehashes the tragedy, and when DH comes home he is understanably upset himself for some time afterwards.

DH and I now have a non sleeping toddler, we're both working, and life is busy. I have had a really stressful time at work recently, we've caught every bug going this winter, and on top of the lack of sleep, I'm frankly run down and struggling a bit. Relative phoned DH on Friday, and he went round for two hours. We don't make a big thing of Valentine's day, but it was DH's day to do bath and bedtime while I cooked a nice meal and we were going to have a bit of a date night at home (cheesy I know, but we have nobody to babysit in the evenings) this ended up going up the left due to the relative's crisis.

This is where I'm perhaps being a bitch. The relative seems to need DH most at times when he's likely to be thinking of other things. Right before our wedding, when the baby was a few weeks old, a few days before baby's first Christmas, that sort of thing. I'm not saying they do it deliberately, but obviously I do notice it more when it's around certain times.

So I had a bit of a row with DH when he came back, and we haven't really spoken since. I told him that he needed to consider how much energy he expends on the relative versus how much he expends on his wife, because I was struggling right before his eyes, and he didn't seem to notice because he was caught up with relative. I also said that relative was basically a bottomless pit that he would never be able to fill or fix, and that it wasn't up to DH to be their crutch. DH said this was really unfair, but when I pointed out the length of time this has all been going on, plus the amount of time he has spent round there, and how nothing has helped long term, he went quiet.

We haven't really discussed it since, and I'm not sure whether to bring it up again or whether I've been unfair. DH is a really nice man, and his care and dedication to.family and friends is one of the things that made me fall in love with him, but I feel like at the minute it's at my detriment. I am known as a strong, capable person, which most of the time I'm glad to say I am, but I feel this is now being taken for granted

The longest we've gone without a call is six weeks, I mean. Our day to day family life was unrecognisable during those six weeks. The sibling works in a job which has distinctly quiet times and very busy times, during the busy times and when they're away on holiday etc we don't hear from them as much

WatchingMyChickenStrip, I didn't think you were being unreasonable before your updates. Now I can see you're definitely not.

It's kind of your husband to want to help this relative and certainly in the beginning, "lending an ear" may have been helpful, but it's beyond that now. The relative - somehow - needs to see that he has to go into therapy. Clearly your husband dropping everything and going around to this relative is not helping (and this is not your husband's fault).

Does your DH see the relative at other times? Would it work beter for you (your family) for him to schedule regular meet ups with relative? So you all know when it's happening, and can plan accordingly? Then DH can still be supportive if he wants, and you don't get ditched as a result.

They want to rehash everything, how the person looked when they were dead, the funeral, the circumstances of their death. I can't tell you how distressing DH finds this

This is horrific and is harming him. Even if that's not their intention, it is what's happening. Relative needs to do this with someone else, a trained counsellor.

Lots of “they need professional help” comments. Very very naive to think professional help is actually available or, when it is, if it’s actually any good.

Er op says in her first post that the relative has been offered medication and therapy. They have refused both, so they haven't even tried it. How can you know it is bad if you won't try?

From the update too the relative is focusing way too much on the gory side of what happened. To keep going over how someone looked when they died is quite horrific to those who also loved the person. They should not be talking to the other family members about that, it is so wrong. They do need professional help, and they aren't taking it. This isn't fair on the rest of the family.

Also, I am reading and rereading posts, and taking them all in, and I really am grateful for all the replies, even the ones that make uncomfortable reading for me personally. I'm finding it so hard to judge the situation and find a balance, and it really helps to read different views.

You are right mental health can be a bottomless pit that cannot be filled or fixed without the correct professional help and medication.

Your DH needs to realise that he could spend 100s/1000s of hours trying to help him, but sadly NEVER will.

They can cleverly draw you into their world and of course you don't want to reject them because they are so poorly and in desparate need of help.

His relative will only get on the road to recovery if he embraces the professional help and medication that has been offered to him.

Like your DH, I have had a lot of personal experience of this with a very ill relative of mine who has been sectioned in the past.

Like your relative he rejects all professional help (in his case due to denial of his illness and arrogance - he can get very aggressive if help is ever mentioned).

Consequently he continues to be in an extremely poor mental state,
which I believe will get worse due to rejecting all professional help. How he lives day to day and by himself in his very distorted world I have no idea.

TBH, for me it took me decades of talking and really trying to help my relative, until the penny finally dropped that there was nothing I could do.

It was a very sad realisation for me but also a huge release of pressure and I suppose responsibility to finally understand and accept there was nothing I could do.

Just be careful of being too strong and too capable. It does others good to know you're only human too. I learnt this after a few hard lessons. I think it's actually a good thing that you've told DH the truth about how you feel regarding this situation. He has to understand your needs in order to prioritise them.

@WatchingMyChickenStrip

Having read your updates, it does strike me that the relative's need to talk through the tragedy itself so repetitively suggests perhaps that they cannot make sense of it, or maybe that there are unresolved issues regarding it - which may never have an answer of course - I say this because when I experienced CPTSD and then a psychosis due to a traumatic experience (not bereavement), much of it was driven by wanting answers and the loss of control and the world no longer making sense. I too went over and over it and my poor family did their best, then distanced themselves a bit..... it passed with time (yes, years) but may have gone on longer if I hadn't had the breakdown and been "reset" when hospitalised.

This aspect will of course be particularly hard on your DH as you have described very well, and once again I feel for you both very much.

While professional help may not be the easiest thing to access these days, it does seem that it should be pressed for. This could go on forever otherwise, which will rob the relative of their life too and their family.

There is though the element of their calling the shots and everything being on their terms that you have described. Can you ask your DH to think about and honestly express how he really feels about these incidents? Not how he think he should feel, but how he really feels? he may be burying it because of the loyalty and obligation he feels to his relative, and even guilt that he is coping "better" if he has been able to rationalise the bereavement somewhat and move on, while his relative has not.

Once again, I wish you both well.

DH does see the relative at other times, however relative seems to prefer to spend time with other family members doing "nice" things, and sort of saves DH up for these talks.

DH is known in his family as being the kind, sensitive, quiet one. I feel that this has morphed into being the soft touch. Separate issue, but for example, DH has helped half a dozen family members to move house in the last few years, yet when we moved house (half way through my high risk pregnancy) we did it entirely on our own. I cope so well, you see.

The thing that I see is that your DH wants to help and this is the way that he knows how. It is a nice side of his character and shows that he is confident in your relationship also that he can check out for a little while knowing that you will support him. I totally get your frustration that he is pouring his heart and strength into his relative and seemingly not seeing the impact at home but it is one of those instances imo where one cannot pick and choose which characteristics of our partners one wants to keep.

... I really hope for your DH he realises the immense gravity of the situation sooner rather than later.

Best wishes to you all

It’s his brother - YABU

It's not naive to say a person needs professional help. Just because it's not readily available, or available at all, doesn't make it untrue. And no, not everything can be cured, just like with physical illnesses.

OP I don't think you are being unreasonable. What you've posted about how he was for DC's first Christmas makes very sad reading.

I hope that by writing everything out here it's helped you to crystallise the many and various issues for you.

I won't rehash all the excellent points PPs have made about enabling the relative, and the need for DH to balance things better. What I would say is firstly hang fire and see what DH's reaction is to what you've said today. It will take him time to process. But unless he realises the impact this is having on you and DC don't be afraid to bring the subject up again. Re-read your posts here before you do, make notes of everything you've written, and set it out without losing your rag. He needs to hear how in responding to his relative he is being very unfair to you. And don't be afraid to tell him just how much you're struggling too. He should see the way this is affecting you.

Good luck.

Your DH isn't a trauma therapist.
It is damaging to himself to try and become one with no support or training.
His relative needs professional support, it is out there.
It isn't always cheap and the work isn't easy but untreated trauma is a bottomless pit situation. Which you can see because the situation isn't resolving itself.
Using DH as an emotional crutch isn't right for DH or the relative, no one is getting a chance to heal.
I would sit down with DH and try and work out a plan moving forward. I would make sure DH was attending counseling himself.

YANBU. Your in law is being extremely selfish forcing your Dh into reliving such a traumatic time in their lives. Your Dh has his own way of coping. His sister needs to find her way, and that shouldn't include involving your Dh. You have been very patient up to now. I think you do need to bring it up with your Dh again and maybe write down the reality of how it affects his MH. It is grossly unfair that his sister puts him through this every few weeks. He can have a word with her or her Dh and look into therapists with them and explain that he cannot fix things for her, explain the hurt it causes him each time she has to rehash the trauma. He has tried to help for years and what has it done? Feck all apart from cause him more misery and cause upset between you and him. He clearly isn't qualified to help her through her grief, only a professional can do this. He needs to be honest and explain that her demands on him are affecting his MH and affecting your family life together. If she still refuses to get professional help then that is up to her, but ultimately, unless she is too ill and needs to be sectioned, she is responsible for looking after her health and she does have support to encourage her and help her do that.

The relative seems to need DH most at times when he's likely to be thinking of other things. Right before our wedding, when the baby was a few weeks old, a few days before baby's first Christmas, that sort of thing. I'm not saying they do it deliberately, but obviously I do notice it more when it's around certain times

YANBU

I'm sure the sibling doesn't do it deliberately - as in consciously. But they are doing it to pull your DH's attention at times when his time, energy, love and attention should be with his family, not his birth family. The sibling is testing his/her ownership of your DH, and you DH's love for her (I'm assuming it's a sister ... I thought at first a mother).

Depression tends to make people manipulative, and to constantly test those around them.

Your DH needs support to detach - maybe counselling? It must be really hard for him - the guilt (often "survivor guilt" is really tough) and also very tough for you.

Good luck - you sound very compassionate, and your DH sounds like a total gem!

I really hope some people on this thread don’t ever have a family member suffering from mental health issues because the lack of support from some people is astounding! As a whole the lack of help for people living with mental health issues is crap. Our family doesn’t just consist of dh, ds, dd and I, both our families are our family and if someone needs either of us we will be there!

Frankly, it seems that the sibling is emotionally hurting your husband as well by insisting on going through all the gory details of the death.

I’m sorry for the sibling but your husband is sacrificing his own mental health and letting the side down massively with his own family because he thinks that you can cope.

DH will continue doing the same for as long as he has that perception, the big question is, what can you do differently for him to change course?

Marriage counselling perhaps?

Not sure if it's his sister actually - anyway, irrelevant as advice would be the same for brother.

yet when we moved house (half way through my high risk pregnancy) we did it entirely on our own. I cope so well, you see

Oh dear - I know about being the coper. It's so unfair ...

I hate the parable of the Prodigal Son. Are you, or your DH, eldest siblings perhaps?

Does your DH recognise the impact on the rest of his family each episode of 'sibling support' means...

not only are you carrying teh family load whilst he 'withdraws' the dc are missing out on him being present.... this will be harder to manage as tehy grow older...

has your DH had support on this as seems an excessive reaction to supporting his sibling every 6 weeks = a few days = how much over a year...?

I think I would suggest some joint counselling for both of you to enable the discussion about the wider impact this is having on your family..

yes it was obviously a traumatic time but not only was it some time ago, this relative is choosing not to move on and has tehir own family/partner....
you are having to deal with the impacts so I would be very pissed off personally....and maybe your DH needs more help himself to get some boundaries with his sibling ......

They want to remember all the gory details of the death, and there are many. They want to rehash everything, how the person looked when they were dead, the funeral, the circumstances of their death. I can't tell you how distressing DH finds this

Definitely time to involve the professionals
Probably best to approach DH from the angle of his distress rather than the sibling's, but it's clear they can't go on like this. Perhaps you could do some research together about bereavement organisations and which counsellors they suggest, so DH can offer this with some of the "spade work" already done?

Mama I think you'll find that some of the "harshest" responses on this thread are from those with experience of supporting family members. And, if you dont mind me saying so, " if someone needs either of us we'll be there" is exactly the sort of thing people say when they've no experience of supporting someone with acute mental health issues.