To ask DH to back off from relative for the sake of our marriage?

[WatchingMyChickenStrip]

DH has a relative who has chronic depression and anxiety which started when a traumatic event happened within the family. The relative has never really sought any help for this- they've been prescribed medication which they haven't taken, offered therapy which they never went to.

Every so often, the relative will phone DH whenever they are having a particularly bad time and need to talk. DH usually ends up going round for hours, listening, trying to help. The relative usually rehashes the tragedy, and when DH comes home he is understanably upset himself for some time afterwards.

DH and I now have a non sleeping toddler, we're both working, and life is busy. I have had a really stressful time at work recently, we've caught every bug going this winter, and on top of the lack of sleep, I'm frankly run down and struggling a bit. Relative phoned DH on Friday, and he went round for two hours. We don't make a big thing of Valentine's day, but it was DH's day to do bath and bedtime while I cooked a nice meal and we were going to have a bit of a date night at home (cheesy I know, but we have nobody to babysit in the evenings) this ended up going up the left due to the relative's crisis.

This is where I'm perhaps being a bitch. The relative seems to need DH most at times when he's likely to be thinking of other things. Right before our wedding, when the baby was a few weeks old, a few days before baby's first Christmas, that sort of thing. I'm not saying they do it deliberately, but obviously I do notice it more when it's around certain times.

So I had a bit of a row with DH when he came back, and we haven't really spoken since. I told him that he needed to consider how much energy he expends on the relative versus how much he expends on his wife, because I was struggling right before his eyes, and he didn't seem to notice because he was caught up with relative. I also said that relative was basically a bottomless pit that he would never be able to fill or fix, and that it wasn't up to DH to be their crutch. DH said this was really unfair, but when I pointed out the length of time this has all been going on, plus the amount of time he has spent round there, and how nothing has helped long term, he went quiet.

We haven't really discussed it since, and I'm not sure whether to bring it up again or whether I've been unfair. DH is a really nice man, and his care and dedication to.family and friends is one of the things that made me fall in love with him, but I feel like at the minute it's at my detriment. I am known as a strong, capable person, which most of the time I'm glad to say I am, but I feel this is now being taken for granted

I have somebody in my life with serious MH issues who has crises every so often. It’s tough. But the key is that my person has over the last 20 years built up a support group of around six people including me. That’s great cause we mostly have families and children ourselves we can’t necessarily just leave when she’s in crisis.
You need to encourage your dh to speak to his sibling and their partner to broaden their support network a bit to spread the load.

My DH did this years ago with a friend who had split up from his wife on the basis that he had missed out on his youth by getting together with her too young. Lo and behold, playing the field didn't go too well for a 40 year old father of one with few social graces, so he was forever ringing up my DH and asking him to console him from his latest setback. (I suspected some of the consoling entailed going to the pub and trying to find a woman who would go out with the friend.)

My DH seemed much more concerned about his friend's MH than he ever was about mine when I had PND! So in the end I said I'd had enough. I think DH just got a bit of a buzz out of being needed, being needed at home was obviously a bit boring for him!

I agree word for word with what @Oxfordnono12 has said. The relative must be guided towards professional support asap.

So the relative has some sort of PTSD and you’re moaning that your dh is giving them support when they have a crisis. Don’t you sound lovely and caring? My father has dementia, I go to my parents house most days of the week and my dh is often called upon to help out, even leaving work when we’ve had a crisis. Thankfully my dh and 15 year old aren’t so self-absorbed to resent it when emergencies arise and they are either called upon to help out or I have to change plans at short notice. Our valentines plans were ditched this year as dd (19) needed a lift back to uni at short notice, such is life.

Yanbu. Its really important that people get counselling and take their meds, its part of the process of dealing with trauma and recovery.
Enabling is not healthy for either person. It also leaves you with the risk of trauma the one time you are no longer available to them and they act out.

@WatchingMyChickenStrip i think you’re being given a hard time.

Your dh is obviously a loving and kind man. But supporting his brother / sister through the loss of a child ( I assume this) must be taking a huge toll on him, his health and your health. He can support but at the moment he is also an enabler.

His is enabling the perpetuation of the MH issues. Could he go with the sibling to MIND/GP/ private source and discuss ways forward whether medication or therapies.

It’s not about not supporting his wider family, it’s about getting a balance which is healthy for everyone.

A calm conversation with your DH is needed. 🌺

Bahhhhhumbug you get carers in to do the job properly - contact social services for your area and request an assessment.
I'm all for family being family and not being carers.
WatchingMyChickenStrip I get where you are coming from, but the support your kind DH is providing is not working, so the professionals need to take over. From his reactions, it is clear that DH is very much affected by all his conversations with this relative. Perhaps DH should get counselling for himself, to help him heal from this sad event and to enable him to detach kindly and encourage his relative to get the right help. Does relative feel guilty about the event, and that (s)he must wear the hair shirt / self flagellate and cannot be allowed to be suffering-free as they are in their mind to blame? If this is the case, then it makes sense why they have rejected all attempts to help them. It sounds like every re-hash of the incident is a self-flagellation session that makes them feel better as they have punished themselves. But in doing this they are also punishing DH and OP.
I can see why this is very frustrating for you.

Could your Dh take his sibling to a counselling session and sit in with him?

Relative works and has a family so is fairly high functioning ... when the partner is home, DH is never called up
They've been prescribed medication which they haven't taken, offered therapy which they never went to
I have been very patient and understanding and I have done a lot to help the relative

All this would make a big difference for me. I totally get that those nearest to the sufferer need a break too - also that they perhaps want someone else to offload to - but both you and DH have stepped in for years and now it's starting to take a toll since there doesn't seem to be much self-help going on

I agree it's a tricky one, but think I'd approach it from the angle of DH not really having the necessary skills for this. Perhaps, instead of going round, he could offer to contact the counsellor again on thir behalf and see how that's received?

To be fair @mum11970 , your situation and the situation involving OP's husbands sibling are totally different.

Sadly, there is nothing that can be done to improve your fathers situation.

Potentially, OP's husbands sibling could seek help that would make this situation more bearable both for themselves and OP's husband but they have refused to do so.

Really difficult to manage. I can understand from your point of view as you are the one left carrying things then dealing with the fallout when your lovely husband is drained of energy. He sounds like a really nice kind guy but he does need to take care of himself also. I have a friend who is lovely but she ends up at her mums house all ours of the night when her mum eings telling her she is suicidal and it has impacted on her marriage and children as she is exhausted by it and feel like she would be responsible if anything happened.
It sounds like your husband may need support in his own right if he is drained from spending time with his relative. He is not a professional and he will be feeling as you are quite frustrated.
I dont think it is fair personally of the relative to rely so heavily on one person especially as they have other people too. They certainly need to be more responsible about accepting medical support snd taking tbeir medication. Depression can be very self facing (not selfish) and you can lose sight of the needs of others.
Maybe your husband needs to guide his relative toward otber sources of support to lessen the load. He is trying his best but as a parent of a toddler I totally see your frustrations and you can't offer supas you are also working full time. Time spent with you child and husband is precious.
Ican see that you feel like you are put on the back burner. Just talk to each other.

It's a tricky situation. If OH is already being emotionally spent by this relative, having you tell him he shouldn't be supporting this relative might stretch him even further, and make him feel as though he is caught in the middle.

If I felt I had to say something I probably would have broached the subject im a way that made it clear that I was concerned for him and his emotional health, and that he needed to take care of himself and make sure he was having quality time with his partner and children. I would also suggest that the burden is too much for one person to carry, and ask him to check if there are any other family members willing to share the load.

If he's got another person telling him he needs to ensure his emotional bandwidth is used for others instead, he'll get defensive, as it's probably the last thing he wants to hear. He probably feels like his cup is full. I was in his shoes once, and honestly felt like I was being pulled from all sides. It felt like everyone wanted what I could provide, and no one actually considered that I might need support and stability, too. I felt like I was spreading myself thin trying to keep everyone happy, and the balancing act was absolutely exhausting.

If you present your concerns to him as concern for his well-being, he might be more receptive, and appreciate that you can see how much this is actually costing him emotionally, rather than being another person just 'wanting' from him.

And I know you're not just another person, you're his partner, but when you're in the thick of it it really does just feel as though those around you all have their hands out wanting emotional support.

I'm not sure if I was able to articulate my point well, but I hope you're able to get the gist of it. Make it known that you're on his team and want to protect him. Hopefully he'll realise just how much of himself he is giving and start working towards taking care of himself (and his family unit) more.

It’s not about not supporting his wider family, it’s about getting a balance which is healthy for everyone

Yes, exactly this ^^

Nobody's suggesting that your DH dumps them completely, only that a better balance is needed - and ironically, that balance might be of more help to the sibling in the end

Is this his sister or mother ?

Everyone seems ready hot to tell OP that she's being a bitch and not understanding mental health....but ignoring the fact OP is saying she's exhausted and on her knees....

OP I've been in your situation, kind of, difference was it was a family friend. DH took them to their MRI and stayed whilst they had it/bought them gifts to chear them up etc...but left me to get home from an operation on my own/didn't come with me to two very scary appointments etc.

We nearly divorced, and even now, five years later the ramifications and damage are still there. I learned he would support everyone but me, which meant it was very difficult for me to explain how unsupported I was to those same people. It took me years, and I'm still learning, to trust he will look after me when I need it.

YANBU OP.

It’s not about not supporting his wider family, it’s about getting a balance which is healthy for everyone

That with bells on. It is ok to support the relative if needed but there are times, like last Friday, when he should have said I can’t go right now but I will pop in tomorrow morning.

Op, that person is now part of your family. How would you feel if your sister rang you and asked for help?

And how would you feel if your dh complained because it was your turn to do bath time?

YANBU

How many years has this gone on?

Would it be possible for you and your DH to see a therapist and they can suggest how to get the relative into therapy and help your DH realise that the situation between him and the relative is just putting a plaster on it and not really helping them process it and rebuild their life?

This is clearly affecting his mental health too.

It's not being uncaring at all but realising that he, your DH, doesn't have the skills to truly give her the help she needs.

The relative is stuck in an unhelpful way of coping and it's become a bad habit.

I really would consider the both of you going to a therapist and maybe they can help him break this negative habit.

It’s not about not supporting his wider family, it’s about getting a balance which is healthy for everyone

This, of course. And also about taking steps to persuade this relative that they have a serious mental illness that isn't going to go away without professional help, rather than letting them exist in suspended animation for another however many years by letting them think that calling a friend round for extended conversation is doing something about their situation.

I spent years talking around the same ongoing situation with lovely, selfless friends and doing nothing about it outside of those conversations. What actually got me moving was going to therapy, and the reason I went was because it became clear that people were starting to get frustrated with constantly having the same conversation and nothing changing.

Just tell him his responsibility is for his own family first going forward. You are not going to be picking up the slack while he goes off sorting other people issues. Suggest that he speaks to them on the phone for a few minutes once he's done what he was supposed to be doing (bed, bath etc), but going round at the drop of a hat is out of the question.
He needs to look after his own wife first and let the siblings spouse look after them. If they don't then that's something the sibling needs to address.
Tell him to make this clear to them as his own marriage is suffering and suggest they visit the doctors or a bereavement charity for proper help to improve the situation.
He may well think he is doing the right thing but if his own wife is struggling then he needs to reassess his priorities.

I think something needs to change and I say that as someone with depression who has been off work for 18 months.

Your husband can only give so much. You need to be his priority for support. His family member has people who already make them a priority.

It may be hard for him to hear this but if things have changed for you he shouldn't ignore that. He may also unaware how much of an impact this support is having on his own mood which may well have a negative effect on his mental health eventually.

It is very difficult when it involves a sibling as the longest relationship in your life is with a sibling. Your DH may feel like you are telling him to abandon their brother/sister.

I'd advise you to steer your DH to guide his sibling to counselling. That way you are not seen as the bad guy urging your DH to abandon a sibling. It clearly will be beneficial for the sibling too who appears to need more professional help.

The general consensus on mumsnet is that one must always, ALWAYS, do everything possible for someone suffering from mh issues - to do otherwise apparently makes you a massive cunt of the highest order. What isn't so clear is when you yourself start to suffer...who then gets priority?