Husband still not home

[PebbleStone22]

DH went to friends house for dinner. I was invited, but stayed home with DS.

Left at 3pm, said he'd be home for 7ish. 9pm came and still not home. I messaged him and he said he'd be 1-2 hours.

Midnight came and still no sign. I phoned to make sure he was ok, he was totally dismissive, "I'm still at friends house" and basically hung up.

I feel so annoyed and disrespected. I am his wife, surely I get to know when to expect him home.

Aibu?

It is courtesy to let someone know when plans have changed. In our household you say when you think you will be home but if something changes you let someone know. I don't mind what time the kids come home (they are adults) but if they say they will be in by midnight and they are not home by 1 a.m. I'm going to worry.

YANBU. Yes, you should have just gone to bed but it's hard to sleep when you're worried. He could have let you know, very inconsiderate. Was he at the friend's or had he gone somewhere else? Is this usual behaviour or a one-off?

I think it’s discourteous not to let your partner know you will be staying out late. DH doesn’t drink but get him and his friends together over coffee and cake discussing politics in their home country and they could talk for weeks! After a few situations like the OP’s he finally got the message that I don’t care if he stays out but I do care if I don’t know that he is out late. All it takes is him saying “I’m meeting a few people a X’s house it’ll probably be a late one”. I’m quietly celebrating being Mistress of the Remote Control (once I’ve kicked the DC off the X box).

Why didn’t you go OP?

7pm seems very early if he’s gone dinner

Eh? What on earth has that got to do with anything?

Why didn’t you go out with your husband , you were both invited but choose not to?
Was your husband already annoyed ?
Then with you repeated messaging him....?
Just wondered if there was something else the OP hadn’t said?

I find this massively irritating. DH does this to me all the time, going for one drink after work and rolling in at 1am (or worse if he misses last train) I don’t bother ringing or texting as I know he’ll ignore me.

But yes I think telling someone one time and rocking up 6+ hours later is disrespectful

I wouldn't be happy if my DH refused to let me know that his 7pm return was actually going to be 3am, 8 hours later, especially in severe driving conditions.

PebbleStone I don't think you're being unreasonable, of course not. Its just basic consideration isn't it?
I went out last nght to a wedding for someone I kind of know, DH didn't go. I told him I'd probably just go for an hour or so, but when I got there had a really good time and spent a lot of the night on the dancefloor. I text him about 10.30 to say don't wait up, but then with the terrible weather ended up having to make some major diversions and got home even later than expect!
I do get suprised at the amount of posters on MN who don't mind their partners going AWOL for the night, I trust my DH completely but I'd still be concerned for his wellbeing if he ended up staying out all night without contacting me.

I think it is rude and unthoughtful of him not to update you. I would do it to him sometime. Maybe then he will realise.

I assume you have now dragged his arse up to parent his DC?

To me, the difference between being late home when due back at 7pm and late home when due back at say 11pm is huge. 7pm is saying goodnight to the kids/being part of bedtime and it's spending the evening together. If he's expected back and doesn't have the courtesy to discuss the change in plans, you'd assume he was a little late. My DC if told daddy was home in time for bedtime would be wanting to wait up for him. We do tend to spend evenings we're both home together so expecting him home any time would delay my plans. Phoning and explaining the change of plans would have taken 5 minutes and is basic manners. I'd also be fuming that he was rude and treated you like a nag.

No way would i be in sole charge of DC this morning so he can have a further chill.

@toria1586 sounds like you have pretty big issues

Of course YANBU to be concerned if your dp is 8 hours late-my worry would be that he/she had had an accident on the way back or something-especially given the weather, not that they were doing something untoward.
I think it would be odd not to ring to check they are ok - that's the caring thing to do surely?
It would be more understandable if they were drinking tbh... most of us have gone out for 'one' and ended up staying out longer at some point-but I don't think it's that common to be 8 hours back because you are sitting around having a stimulating conversation?

Either way a quick text to say you are ok is courteous-hanging up on your partner when they have called-once-to check you are ok is really rude.

People's attitudes are strange here. Common courtesy dictates you inform someone who is expecting you at a certain time when you change your plans. Mostly so they know you haven't been in a horrible accident not to control your every movement.
I work in a hospital and if I get called in overnight and leave in the early hours someone will always insist I call and let them know I'm home safe because they know it's unlikely family members/partners will know when we are leaving to raise the alarm if we aren't home when 'expected'. If my reaction to that request was to call them controlling and unhinged i suspect they may start to question my sanity.

YANBU it was discourteous of him to not let you know about the change of plans and to assume you were happy to have sole care for longer. What if you’d have had a migraine and were holding out until 7pm when he could come back and take over?

I do love the “cool” wives who wouldn’t mind one little bit if their dh came home at 4am with two prostitutes, a huge bag of coke & half a crate of champagne & had a threesome in the living room.

They’d make everyone a nice cup of tea & hand neurofen out in the morning. Because life doesn’t stop just because you’ve got a wife and kids y’know.

It’s the fact that he was dismissive and had said 1-2 hours when it was actually much longer.

It’s just disrespectful, he’d feel the same.

Yep,would piss me off too YANBU.

I have never been 8 hours late for anything in my life. I have never gone for “just the one” and then ended up missing the last train home or what have you. There are a lot of people on here who are too tolerant for this kind of nonsense. This is not “just how it is”. Go out yes, have fun, get very pissed - but none of this missing in action crap. YANBU OP.

What @Comtesse said. ^ Is he back yet @PebbleStone22 ?

@Comtesse In reality, there is no way people would stand for this. They make out they would, and anyone who wouldn't is uptight, and possessive, but in reality, they would not tolerate this from their partner!

@OhJustElfOff

People's attitudes are strange here. Common courtesy dictates you inform someone who is expecting you at a certain time when you change your plans. Mostly so they know you haven't been in a horrible accident not to control your every movement.

I work in a hospital and if I get called in overnight and leave in the early hours someone will always insist I call and let them know I'm home safe because they know it's unlikely family members/partners will know when we are leaving to raise the alarm if we aren't home when 'expected'. If my reaction to that request was to call them controlling and unhinged i suspect they may start to question my sanity.

This, in spades. ^ I think it's common courtesy to let someone know where you are and what time you will be back!

@PebbleStone22 YANBU by the way!

@PebbleStone22

YANBU. It would piss me off too!

A little bit of courtesy goes a long way. It's like I don't mind DH staying out/staying away, but at least have the courtesy to keep me updated on where you are, and what time you will be back.

DH used to have a habit (slightly different to this,) of getting up early Saturday or Sunday, and going off out, not leaving a note, not taking his phone, and then just waltzing in anything from one to three hours after I got up.

I didn't mind/care if he was out all DAY, but he could have at least let me know where he was and what time he'd be back! It used to fuck me off big time. I thought 'where IS he? What time will he be back? Have I got time to clean the house, watch a film, catch up on the week's recorded TV programmes I have???' It was annoying, and it felt like a form of control to me at the time (maybe an overreaction I dunno!)

It felt like a form of control, because he was swanning off out, with NO note, or any clue where he was, or when he would be back, so I was sitting there on tenterhooks not able to relax, or settle into a movie, or just generally enjoy the time to myself. So it felt like he was sabotaging the chance for me to enjoy the time alone.

I used to complain, but he said 'I didn't know I had to have my wife keep tabs on me.' I said 'it's just common courtesy FFS. Let me know where you have gone and what time you'll be back.' He said 'what if I don't know what time I'll be back?!' I said 'well at least keep your phone on you so I can contact you if need be. OR if you plan on being 2 hours away and end up being delayed by another 1 or 2 hours, you can let me know. It's just common fucking courtesy!'

He doesn't do it now, after this one time I played him at his own game. He was out when I got up, and had not left a note or ANY form of contact to say where he was or when he would be back. 2 hours after I got up, he STILL wasn't back. So I got dressed and got my house keys and bag, and got the bus to the train station and got a train (at midday) to the city 30 miles away. I switched my phone off.

I stayed there all afternoon and even got myself an early evening meal, and got the 6.30pm train back, and finally got in at 7.30pm. He was standing at the door and said 'where the fuck have YOU been? I have been texting and ringing you since 2pm!' 'I have been ringing round your friends and family and we've all been worried sick!'

I said 'I just felt like fucking off for hours on end and not letting you know where I was - or when I would be back!' Ya know, like YOU do every other fucking week!'

He glared at me, walked off in a huff, and then said 'ok point taken.'

All I ask is to be kept in the loop and to know what time he will be back. Is it too much to ask?!

As I say, he stopped doing it after this, and it was some 20 years ago when he was more immature and thoughtless!

And yeah, calling someone UNHINGED is fucking nasty. And usually comes from the worst kind of people.

Hope he is home now OP!