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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU I have cancer and feel let down by two best friends

239 replies

myboysmum · 14/02/2020 21:34

Last September I was rushed to hospital for emergency surgery for a strangulated hernia. As it turned out when they opened me up it was actually 2 very enlarged lymph nodes which they removed and sent to lab for testing. 2 weeks later I was told I had hodgkin's lymphoma which is a blood cancer.
Two of my best friends who I have known for around 20 years (I actually knew them both first and introduced them to each other around 10 years ago) have really let me down.

After my surgery in September they both came round to visit me separately, I started chemotherapy 3 weeks later on Oct 23rd and they came together to visit me the day before. I have suffered with quite a few side effects from the chemo, the main one being neuropathy which is nerve damage that is effecting the muscles in my legs which leaves me in constant pain and unable to walk very much, I hardly get out the house now due to this.
I met for lunch with both of them two weeks after my first treatment (which I have every other week) but since then one of them has visited me twice, once in December and once at the very beginning of January and sent about 6 texts during that time asking how I am - roughly once every 3 weeks. The other one has visited once at the beginning of December and sent just 2 texts, both times saying sorry for neglecting me but she was so tired after work each day she had no energy to do anything else.

They both said at the beginning they would go through this journey with me but I feel that they have totally neglected me and i feel so hurt and angry. I have to take pain killers every day just to get through the day, I only really leave the house for hospital appointments but occasionally i make it into work If I'm having a good day but that's not very often. I do work from home for a couple of hours each day though. I have become very depressed and now on anti depressants and feeling hurt by my friends has not helped that as it's constantly on my mind that another day/week had passed with out them bothering.
Anyway last night I decided enough was enough and I was going to say something to them. I sent a text on our group what'sapp chat and told them both how hurt I was that they had hardly bothered and that I felt they had been really crap friends and visiting me once or twice in the last 4 months is shit. I also said that I would rather end our friendship now because that way I would not be stressing each time another day goes by without them bothering. The text wasn't nasty or rude but it was blunt and to the point. I hate the fact that I have just thrown away 20 years of friendship but in my opinion they have not very good friends and I have had more help and support from my work colleagues who I've known for only 2 years and also other friends have been great
Do you think I am being unreasonable ?

OP posts:
catx1606 · 15/02/2020 16:14

I don't think you're being unreasonable in feeling hurt but they might not have known what you need. If that's the first time ou have told them how you're feeling, then it could have come across as too harsh. Give them a call and tell them exactly what you need from them
Maybe they needed more direction from you but didn't know what and didn't want to ask. Maybe they thought that what they have done was enough. People need to be more open and honest about what they're expectations are

Sorry to heat you're not well and best wishes ok getting through the difficult journey that you're on.

Figgygal · 15/02/2020 16:16

I don’t think YABU to feel the way you do but you’re reaction was driven by hurt and I think you will regret it ultimately

Willow2017 · 15/02/2020 16:19

Teds
Sorry for what your DH is going through. Your neighbours sound wonderful, even the smallest acts of kindness can be such a boost in dark times.

Willow2017 · 15/02/2020 16:23

Maybe they thought that what they have done was enough.

They havent done anything!!! How can it be enough?
They dropped her like a hot potato, are you reading another thread?
They (well 1 did) asked op what they could do to help, she told them, they didnt bother turning up!
I would expect my best friends not to actively ignore me at such a terrible time!

TedsFederationRep · 15/02/2020 16:28

Thank you, Willow. Much appreciated.

CornforthWhite · 15/02/2020 16:31

As awful as it is they are not friends. As someone suffering from cancer you deserve better regardless if you sent a crappy message. If you were my friend I’d immediately ask what I could do to help. I’d have enough empathy to know your message came from a place of pain. There is nothing you can do about this. You just need to focus on the people who focus on you. It’s such a shit time to realise this, but they are not good people.

TheNoiseHurts · 15/02/2020 16:34

OP when my best friend for breast cancer I saw her at least once a week for the whole time. I would take her to appointments, attended chemo with her, became her point of contact for the hospital and arranged the hospice, collected her meds etc etc.

Some people back off, some people get stuck in.
Some people back off because they are scared.

I'm not sure what your friends are playing at but it isn't ok.

Sorry you're enduring that on top of everything else and I wish you a very speedy and full recovery.

hmf1912 · 15/02/2020 16:37

You’re definitely not being unreasonable. Your friends have not been there for you and understandably that’s very hurtful.
Unfortunately, I think in life there are very few people you can count on and it’s times like these you see who is a real friend. There’s no excuse for them not being there for you - if they lived far away it would be different - but they live near you and you used to meet very regularly. While you can’t always know what’s going on in their lives (you don’t always know if people are going through their own problems), if they are still meeting up without you then that’s very unkind. You’re unwell and almost housebound. If they were kind and thoughtful they’d realise you’re lonely and miss their company.
It can be hard to know what to say to someone with cancer, but you just have to learn how to deal with it, not reject a friend in a time of need. If they’ve ignored your message then they’ve really shown their true colours.

I’m glad you have other supportive people around you. Focus on those people and not the ones who’ve let you down at this terrible time in your life. I hope the hurt eases and wish you well with your treatment and recovery. 💐

IHeartKingThistle · 15/02/2020 16:42

This is awful and I hope they feel shit about it.

I've currently got 2 friends with cancer. One has very small kids and one is a single mum. I cook both of them a dinner every week and drop it off. It's on top of dealing with my own family and job but it's nothing to do this compared to what they're facing. This is not a boast. It's just what friends do.

Not even checking in with you by text? I'm appalled at them and I don't care what their reasons are.

Rejected101 · 15/02/2020 16:44

You are not being unreasonable to feel how you do. Fundamentally most people are selfish. It doesn’t mean they don’t care , but they will prioritise themselves. I wouldn’t take it to heart. Focus your energy on yourself and being well/ getting through treatment etc.

Orangeblossom78 · 15/02/2020 17:19

People do respond very differently to a cancer diagnosis. We know someone diagnosed who doesn't want any fuss or visits, finds it acutely difficult to deal with such 'fuss' and just wants to carry on - swimming, even being a personal trainer even when all treatment options have finished...we are all very different and this might be worth thinking of also.

Maybe they didn't realise you wanted more contact and it might have been better to have spoken to them in person and gauged their feelings then rather than publicly shaming them in a Whatsapp group like that

GinandGingerBeer · 15/02/2020 17:25

I'm so sorry OP Sad
Initially I was going to say well maybe they have other stuff you don't know about or sometimes it's hard not to blow things up a bit when you are feeling poorly and have long days on your own. But the only response they should have had was 'you're right, we're wrong, we love you and we're sorry'

(As a complete aside, have you claimed PIP? It's not means tested, doesn't matter if you're still working but it's a bit of extra financial support which can help with the costs of being ill. You might then be able to get some help at home, it helps with hospital parking etc)

I wish you well, Thanks

springydaff · 15/02/2020 17:29

I wish I'd known about PIP when I had cancer!

Willow2017 · 15/02/2020 17:30

Maybe they didn't realise you wanted more contact
They went from once a week to a couple of times in 4 months!
Its not rocket science to say op wanted more contact than that!

Aridane · 15/02/2020 17:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
myboysmum · 15/02/2020 17:41

Orangeblossom78 - The WhatsApp group was just me and them, not anybody else and I would have said it in person if I'd seen them.

Ginandgingerbeer - that's ther response I expected really, I told them how lonely and isolated I felt and I was also suffering from depression but they obviously didnt care. yes I have applied for pip, I'm just waiting for forms to come through but think I've left it too late to apply really.

OP posts:
Aridane · 15/02/2020 17:46

So sorry- wrong thread

Will report

SnoozyLou · 15/02/2020 17:47

To be honest, I think them just walking away when you called them out on their behaviour tells you everything you need to know about them. Any decent person would be mortified and want to make sure you were alright. I would, even if this was a passing acquaintance, let alone a friend of 20 years.

Yes, it is a shame to have been friends with them for that length of time only for it to end like this, but you know now not to waste your time and energies on them and that you have other, better people in your life who really are there for you.

I wish you all the best OP.

Winter2020 · 15/02/2020 17:54

At the moment I am not a great friend to a couple of people in my life - that I wish I could be a better friend to.

Over the last couple of years one of my oldest friends has had the breakdown of a marriage and one has a seriously poorly child. I care about them both and think of them often.

But ....I'm at a stage in my life I am finding tough. I have a ten year old and a two year old (I'm 40) and work night shifts in a job where I work at least half of weekends (my eldest also has weekend activities and comittments). I live in a different county to my old friends and I just haven't felt able to step up. Not just on a practical level but I have no headspace left and nothing left to give. Day to day practicalities and keeping on top of them (or not) are as much as I can do at the moment. Before my 2 year old was born and when I was on maternity leave was of course much easier and I saw more of them then. They may feel they see less of me due to their life events but it's actually due to mine (returning to work with a small child). Hopefully when my son is 3 and gets nursery hours things will be easier again and I can try to be a better friend. If they can forgive me my failings?

I can imagine I could be a little more help to a colleague or neighbour /school run friend (which seems to come up frequently on the thread as a surprise how helpful they can be) as they are right there and I would be able to offer practical help in person/offer childcare/school run help/make dinner incorporated into my normal life.

Anyway I'm just trying to show the other side that people may have their own reasons for being AWOL and while they are failing you it might not mean that they don't care. Your friend that is "tired" after work might be suffering with depression. The shit things that she worries about might include your own illness - as well as any number of worries about herself or others.

You need to focus on your own recovery but you can't really know what is going on for other people unless you have walked a mike in their shoes.

Catrescue1971 · 15/02/2020 17:57

Oh dear, they have been crap haven't they. Thank God your dh has been sympathetic about the situation with the two friends (even though he is rubbish with housework).

Kazziek · 15/02/2020 18:28

OP, I have a parent with a terminal illness. Since that diagnosis, both close friends and family have done a disappearing act. Particularly upsetting was the one close friend who I supported all through her parent's illness, and who ghosted me for nearly a year. One close family member ignored me and parents since the day of diagnosis. They all have plenty of time to post on social media about nights out, family activities, holidays etc. A text to say 'how are you?' once a week wouldn't have hurt. I have contacted them, no response.
People can be shits.

Original poster
myboysmum · 15/02/2020 18:48

It's very sad to read how many people on here have had the same experience from their friends that I've had with mine. I can't believe how selfish some people are. I believe you should treat people the way you expect to be treated

I currently have another friend whose mum has just had a mass taken from her ovary, she was terrified her mum had cancer and has been really upset. I have contacted her every one or two days to see how things are cos that's the right thing to do. You support your friends just like she has supported me. Thankfully they found out yesterday it was benign.

OP posts:
springydaff · 15/02/2020 19:21

I was just reading today how relationships now are built on different values to in the past re:
".. today’s voluntary and romantic relationships, where you build on platforms of happiness, personal growth and fulfillment – not obligation, duty or responsibility.”

As you say op, you supported your friend because 'that's what you do'. It seems a lot of people aren't signed up to that.

drinkygin · 15/02/2020 19:32

@maddy68 I’m truly gobsmacked by your reply. She’s got fucking cancer!!

springydaff · 15/02/2020 19:35

It was an article closely linked to family estrangement but primarily about Harry + Meghan's split from the Royal family and how relationship loyalties are fundamentally changing

here