AIBU I have cancer and feel let down by two best friends

[myboysmum]

Last September I was rushed to hospital for emergency surgery for a strangulated hernia. As it turned out when they opened me up it was actually 2 very enlarged lymph nodes which they removed and sent to lab for testing. 2 weeks later I was told I had hodgkin's lymphoma which is a blood cancer.
Two of my best friends who I have known for around 20 years (I actually knew them both first and introduced them to each other around 10 years ago) have really let me down.

After my surgery in September they both came round to visit me separately, I started chemotherapy 3 weeks later on Oct 23rd and they came together to visit me the day before. I have suffered with quite a few side effects from the chemo, the main one being neuropathy which is nerve damage that is effecting the muscles in my legs which leaves me in constant pain and unable to walk very much, I hardly get out the house now due to this.
I met for lunch with both of them two weeks after my first treatment (which I have every other week) but since then one of them has visited me twice, once in December and once at the very beginning of January and sent about 6 texts during that time asking how I am - roughly once every 3 weeks. The other one has visited once at the beginning of December and sent just 2 texts, both times saying sorry for neglecting me but she was so tired after work each day she had no energy to do anything else.

They both said at the beginning they would go through this journey with me but I feel that they have totally neglected me and i feel so hurt and angry. I have to take pain killers every day just to get through the day, I only really leave the house for hospital appointments but occasionally i make it into work If I'm having a good day but that's not very often. I do work from home for a couple of hours each day though. I have become very depressed and now on anti depressants and feeling hurt by my friends has not helped that as it's constantly on my mind that another day/week had passed with out them bothering.
Anyway last night I decided enough was enough and I was going to say something to them. I sent a text on our group what'sapp chat and told them both how hurt I was that they had hardly bothered and that I felt they had been really crap friends and visiting me once or twice in the last 4 months is shit. I also said that I would rather end our friendship now because that way I would not be stressing each time another day goes by without them bothering. The text wasn't nasty or rude but it was blunt and to the point. I hate the fact that I have just thrown away 20 years of friendship but in my opinion they have not very good friends and I have had more help and support from my work colleagues who I've known for only 2 years and also other friends have been great
Do you think I am being unreasonable ?

@maddy68 not one of the shit friends are you?

My God, saying someone with cancer is needy.

Sorry you have cancer. I hope the treatment goes well.

Sorry about your shit friends. Some friends are just there for fun times and disappear when the fun goes. I think you can be proud of yourself for sending the text calling them out on it.

Better friends will come one day.

Hugs.

myboysmum I am so very sorry you are going through this.
I don't think you're being U. Unfortunately as many have already said, it is at times like these you find out who your true friends are.
I had a friend, we were very close. Like you I'd been there for her several times when she needed my support. When the table turned and I needed her, she ran for the hills.
Try to focus on getting better with family and friends who care, and are there for you.
I wish you well on your road to recovery.

Hi OP,

I'm sorry - they are awful. How could they not respond to your message and just removing themselves from the group... Vile behaviour.

They have no idea what you're going through. Are they usually fair weather friends?

Please please try to stop giving them energy. I know how hard it is. I had a friend I saw every day (we traveled in and out of college, met up for lunch, worked on assignments together) do a disappearing act when I had cancer on my womb six years ago. She turned up in hospital once and asked to borrow some money. When I said no and no again, she was gone. I literally never heard from her. When the hurt had passed I reflected - i always carried her financially, in college I was always sorting out notes for her, assisting her with assignments. She was a taker and when there was nothing forthcoming she was gone. She got in touch a couple of years ago. I ignored.

I also have Hodgkin's now but two months behind you in the treatment. I understand it gets tougher. Hang in there, the finish line is in sight.

Let the people who are being supportive in a little closer. Just because it hasn't been a twenty year friendship doesn't mean it's not a real one. I am very happy you have a supportive dp. I do this time, six years ago I was all on my own. It makes a huge difference.

I would wash my hands of those women. They have been appalling.

Sickandscared - so sorry to hear you are going through this awful cancer too. I know everybody reacts differently to the side effects and I have found that mine have got worse over time and I am so much weaker than I was 3 months ago. I hope you are not getting too many but feel free to message me if you need any advice on how to manage them or just to chat to somebody that understands. Wishing you a speedy recovery

I’ve read the full thread with my jaw open at how cruel and insensitive these frenemies have been.
It really takes so little to be kind and thoughtful especially after all you’ve done for them.
I’m staggered they left the WhatsApp group too.
Really, you’ve got the measure of this grim pair now and I’m glad you have support elsewhere. Try to focus on that though it’s human nature to ruminate on the negative....
Wishing you a speedy recovery and great new friends 🙏🏻

Yes they are indeed a grim pair 💐

I don't think you are unreasonable at all. these are not friends.

Unfortunately, shitty/difficult times show you who your friends really are. I have a severely disabled child and the number of 'friends' I have lost due to DD is pretty staggering but I know it's a common thing in the SN world...guess when you go through a serious illness it can be a similar process.

It does hurt at the beginning but you will get over it. Do you have other friends/family whom you can rely on?

Hope you treatment is going well.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all OP. These 'friends' have not been there for you. Difficult times brings clarity as you come out of them - keep your door open as new people often surprise you and step into your life when you least expect it, likewise, those you friends you already have often melt away. Good luck xx

I don't think you've left it too late for pip, you're still affected by the treatment. The forms are a bit overwhelming, get in touch with Macmillan again and ask them to help. If they can't they should signpost. You can also request a home visit from DWP, (don't be worried about it, the visiting offices I know are lovely) and they'll do the form with you. Someone at the hospital did my mum's for her (attendance allowance in her case due to her age but it's a similar process)

I've been thinking about this

People are very fortunate if they have family or a few friends who offer support in time of sickness, bereavement, hard times etc

Some people don't have many or any people that they can ask for help

Some people don't live in a close location

If you currently have people that are helping you, even in a small way, then be thankful

I don't think any of you are BU, but perhaps there is a lack of communication and understanding and phone calls and visits would say a lot more than texts.

Given that you cancelled other meet ups a few times they might think you just want a bit of space, and it's not like they haven't asked how you are at all. They could be thinking about you a great deal.

What I would do is give them a call and have a good chat, and arrange to meet up. All the best to you, OP.

This tells you a bit about how friends can react to cancer, and how common and how frustrating these reactions are:
www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/clip/18cec76c-29e7-49e0-8615-54cf29452565

I'm sorry you have cancer and I really hope your treatment goes well.

Something similar happened to me with friends. I was diagnosed with a serious illness which has left me pretty much housebound every day for the past 4 years. During the first year, the 3 'closest' friends who I used to see every weekend before I got ill sent a text just once a month and a year went by without them even coming to see me! I did the same as you and sent them a message saying how disappointed I was in them and didn't want to stay in touch with them anymore. They never even apologised. Anyway, the interesting part is the people who step up! They're totally not the ones you would expect. Four years down the line and I'm still poorly but incredibly fortunate that two 'distant' friends stepped up and have now become incredibly treasured friends of mine whom I can rely on for anything. There actually isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank my lucky stars that my illness has sorted the wheat from the chaff. I hope it will be the same for you too and there will be angels who seem to appear from nowhere.

Very best wishes to you xx