Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU I have cancer and feel let down by two best friends

239 replies

myboysmum · 14/02/2020 21:34

Last September I was rushed to hospital for emergency surgery for a strangulated hernia. As it turned out when they opened me up it was actually 2 very enlarged lymph nodes which they removed and sent to lab for testing. 2 weeks later I was told I had hodgkin's lymphoma which is a blood cancer.
Two of my best friends who I have known for around 20 years (I actually knew them both first and introduced them to each other around 10 years ago) have really let me down.

After my surgery in September they both came round to visit me separately, I started chemotherapy 3 weeks later on Oct 23rd and they came together to visit me the day before. I have suffered with quite a few side effects from the chemo, the main one being neuropathy which is nerve damage that is effecting the muscles in my legs which leaves me in constant pain and unable to walk very much, I hardly get out the house now due to this.
I met for lunch with both of them two weeks after my first treatment (which I have every other week) but since then one of them has visited me twice, once in December and once at the very beginning of January and sent about 6 texts during that time asking how I am - roughly once every 3 weeks. The other one has visited once at the beginning of December and sent just 2 texts, both times saying sorry for neglecting me but she was so tired after work each day she had no energy to do anything else.

They both said at the beginning they would go through this journey with me but I feel that they have totally neglected me and i feel so hurt and angry. I have to take pain killers every day just to get through the day, I only really leave the house for hospital appointments but occasionally i make it into work If I'm having a good day but that's not very often. I do work from home for a couple of hours each day though. I have become very depressed and now on anti depressants and feeling hurt by my friends has not helped that as it's constantly on my mind that another day/week had passed with out them bothering.
Anyway last night I decided enough was enough and I was going to say something to them. I sent a text on our group what'sapp chat and told them both how hurt I was that they had hardly bothered and that I felt they had been really crap friends and visiting me once or twice in the last 4 months is shit. I also said that I would rather end our friendship now because that way I would not be stressing each time another day goes by without them bothering. The text wasn't nasty or rude but it was blunt and to the point. I hate the fact that I have just thrown away 20 years of friendship but in my opinion they have not very good friends and I have had more help and support from my work colleagues who I've known for only 2 years and also other friends have been great
Do you think I am being unreasonable ?

OP posts:
Clarissa111 · 15/02/2020 02:12

Ffs. I think some people obv have no idea what being a friend means.
My friend lost her baby at 23 weeks a few weeks ago. Shes not my best friend,and we're not that close. But I text her every couple of days to see how she is.
Best friend has cancer? This is when you show what sort of person you are. And your friends OP are shit. I'm sorry but they are.
My Facebook friend was suffering with her mental health. I havent saw her for around 25 years. I still took the time to message her.
I wish you health and happiness.

redcarbluecar · 15/02/2020 02:59

Really sorry to hear what you’re going through and hope you recover well. I can understand why you feel upset but think you maybe went a bit far in suggesting ending your friendships. They may not have meant to be neglectful or uncaring. Unless you’ve felt for a while that the friendships weren’t worth it, perhaps try to leave the door open for them. Glad to hear your colleagues are giving you support.

StormBaby · 15/02/2020 07:22

I had the same when my mum suddenly passed away. Literally my entire friendship circle just stopped bothering to contact me. I've not seen anyone socially in well over two years. I'm not sure what it is, people don't know how to handle it I guess.

MindyStClaire · 15/02/2020 07:37

The OP has a DP who can do the housework. If she lived alone sure.

Yes. But we're not talking the flu here. His wife has cancer. He's working long hours, she having grueling treatment. He'll be worried as hell, and having to step up and do all sorts that OP can't, he's probably exhausted. Why begrudge him a little help too?

I can't imagine refusing to do a bit of housework for a friend in these circumstances so maybe her husband could sit down and have a cup of tea and a biscuit in the evening rather than having to get the mop and the iron out.

OP, YANBU. I unfortunately lost my best friend to cancer in our early twenties. I didn't live near enough to see her as often as I would have liked, but was in touch most days by text, up to date with her appointments so I could ask how they went etc. That's what friends do.

WobblyAllOver · 15/02/2020 08:00

If I had received that text I wouldn't reply as to me it is clearly one to end the friendship.

The issue is that your life is understandably impacted by cancer all the time. Your friends have stuff going on in their life as well which you discount as not as important as your cancer. In one way that is correct but in other ways not. You discount your friend being too tired after work to visit but excuse your DP because he works long hours. Tbh I would expect my DH to step up way before anyone else.

SallyWD · 15/02/2020 08:03

I'm so sorry about your situation. I actually think your friends had made an effort to stay in touch. I had cancer and am thankfully OK now (although always scared it might come back). I found I got an outpouring of love from my friends when first diagnosed and after surgery then everyone stepped back and got on with their own lives. I wish you all the best for your future.

lyralalala · 15/02/2020 08:06

My DH was widowed when I met him and he always says that his wife’s cancer diagnosis showed him who he could rely on in life, and that it was often not the people he’d have expected it to be

Isadora2007 · 15/02/2020 08:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Snuffkindle · 15/02/2020 08:23

Myboysmum if you're not already a member think about joining the UK Hodgkin's lymphoma support group. They are brilliant and helped me and my husband immensely when he was going through it. My husband is a few years in remission now, we found that some friends were amazing and others weren't. Some.people.just can't handle you being poorly. It's very common sadly. A few years down the line I will never forget or stop being thankful to everyone that helped him. In a crisis you really find out people's mettle. But saying.that, I don't think that it has to be the end of your friendships,.you can forgive them and things can move forward all be it in a different way to how you might have expected. Anyway, I am.sorry to hear your scan hasn't shown full response, fingers crossed for you.

HeyMac · 15/02/2020 08:29

It's the time of the year where bugs abound. Any chance they've just been ill and not wanting to pass anything on? Our house seems to have just had a litany of colds/flu type thing since before Christmas.

WalkingOutOfFlabbiness · 15/02/2020 08:31

Friends help and care - focus on the people who have been there for you.

Happygoldfinch · 15/02/2020 08:40

Do you want to force them to be thinking of you more than they want to? That wouldn't be fun for anyone. Nobody wants to be cornered into sustaining an evaporating friendship. In this case, the cancer might well be the catalyst for that evaporation, which contributes something of an emotional weight for you, but people come and people go - it really is that simple. Good luck with your recovery Flowers

MindyStClaire · 15/02/2020 08:48

You discount your friend being too tired after work to visit but excuse your DP because he works long hours. Tbh I would expect my DH to step up way before anyone else.

He has. OP has said he's been supportive. But. His. Wife. Has. Cancer.

If a woman posted on here saying she was working long hours, husband going through chemo, exhausted, never got a moment off etc she would be told to ask for and accept any help going. Housework, meals, childcare etc.

If a friend runs a mop around, who cares if it helps OP or her husband so long as it helps them? Life must be relentless for them at the moment. A good friend would give up the occasional hour to help relieve a bit of that.

ChestyNutsRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 15/02/2020 08:50

Isadora a bit of compassion wouldn’t go amiss....

BlingLoving · 15/02/2020 08:50

I am really shocked at some of these responses. When things are really tough, that's when you expect your best friends to step up. The ones who can come into your house, cook in your kitchen or sit in your lounge while you nap.

There is no doubt that a lot of people just dont k ow how to behave and feel uncomfortable and so they disappear. But that's not your problem op. Their discomfort is their issue and if they were normal human beings with empathy they would get past it.

Also, almost the posters saying maybe they have stuff going on. Come on. For 4 mo ths both of her friends ds have major stuff going on?! Please.

Aridane · 15/02/2020 09:05

I had someone who i thought was a good friend & would be supportive send me a fuck off postcard. She wasnt going to talk to me while i had cancer.

Eh?

Aridane · 15/02/2020 09:08

You have a DP? Then people will be assuming your DP is supporting you and doing practical stuff. Sorry but I would not go and do someone else's housework if they have a DP who is perfectly capable of doing it.

I agree

And OP saying DP doesn’t do it to a good enough standard (and works long hours), sorry - but that reasoning would hack me off as a friend. (Especially as I very rarely wash my own floors)

karencantobe · 15/02/2020 09:18

@MindyStClaire I have been a carer. It was not cancer though. Do you realistically think anyone offered to do housework to help me out?

I remember a friend who was ill (not cancer) wanting help with housework. Her house was cleaner and tidier than mine.

Sure when you are seriously ill, or any other major stress event, your house is unlikely to be perfectly clean and tidy. That is life. If you don't have kids the amount of housework you need to do is fairly small.

Also with cooking. When I was ill for months and in and out of hospital, my DP bought ready made meals. That is what we lived on. A home made meal is lovely though.

I think there are people who never really have any issues in their life, they get cancer and expect others to provide practical support that hundreds of thousands of people with serious health issues or other issues do without. Getting practical help is great. It is a nice to have. But it is not necessary.

Aridane · 15/02/2020 09:21

I agree

World of difference between needing someone to put the bins out or get something out of an upper cupboard when you live alone and are unable to do so (eg post surgery) and wanting nice to haves done like washing floors or ironing

karencantobe · 15/02/2020 09:21

I really am not trying to be an arsehole. But you do need to be realistic in your expectations.
So if your DP is working long hours can you afford a cleaner for a few hours a week? Would cost about £20 a week.
Buy ready made meals and easy to put together stuff. Ignore the cooking from scratch brigade. Focus on meet ups with friends.
I would wonder why you have not been invited to meet ups. Are you telling people you can't leave the house? If yes then they won't invite you out.

PuppyL0ve683 · 15/02/2020 09:36

You said that you hadn't heard from your friends recently

You have the time to send them a text, joke or a photo, more regularly, so you have had the opportunity from your side

In my experience, some people don't know what to say or do, when someone is sick or had a bereavement

Good friends are like gold !

I hope that you feel better soon

Orangeblossom78 · 15/02/2020 09:37

Something also to remember is many people are touched by cancer, it could well be that a close relative of those friends had it too and it can bring back memories of that...

Justgorgeous · 15/02/2020 09:40

Hi. If that was someone I cared about and I received that text, I would go straight round. Sorry you are going through this. Much love 🌸

Bibijayne · 15/02/2020 09:42

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this but I do think you have been unreasonable. It's not like they haven't seen you. Take out Christmas too - as that is usually a very busy time for everyone.

Did you say you wanted to see them more? I think they haven't replied because the message was very hurtful, but they don't want to hurt you because you are going through chemo right now.

karencantobe · 15/02/2020 09:43

@BlingLoving The only time I have seen posts like that here the woman has young kids. That is way different from two adults, one of whom has cancer, but is still well enough to work a few hours a day.

Someone with cancer, a DP working and kids will struggle more with practical things.