AIBU I have cancer and feel let down by two best friends

[myboysmum]

Last September I was rushed to hospital for emergency surgery for a strangulated hernia. As it turned out when they opened me up it was actually 2 very enlarged lymph nodes which they removed and sent to lab for testing. 2 weeks later I was told I had hodgkin's lymphoma which is a blood cancer.
Two of my best friends who I have known for around 20 years (I actually knew them both first and introduced them to each other around 10 years ago) have really let me down.

After my surgery in September they both came round to visit me separately, I started chemotherapy 3 weeks later on Oct 23rd and they came together to visit me the day before. I have suffered with quite a few side effects from the chemo, the main one being neuropathy which is nerve damage that is effecting the muscles in my legs which leaves me in constant pain and unable to walk very much, I hardly get out the house now due to this.
I met for lunch with both of them two weeks after my first treatment (which I have every other week) but since then one of them has visited me twice, once in December and once at the very beginning of January and sent about 6 texts during that time asking how I am - roughly once every 3 weeks. The other one has visited once at the beginning of December and sent just 2 texts, both times saying sorry for neglecting me but she was so tired after work each day she had no energy to do anything else.

They both said at the beginning they would go through this journey with me but I feel that they have totally neglected me and i feel so hurt and angry. I have to take pain killers every day just to get through the day, I only really leave the house for hospital appointments but occasionally i make it into work If I'm having a good day but that's not very often. I do work from home for a couple of hours each day though. I have become very depressed and now on anti depressants and feeling hurt by my friends has not helped that as it's constantly on my mind that another day/week had passed with out them bothering.
Anyway last night I decided enough was enough and I was going to say something to them. I sent a text on our group what'sapp chat and told them both how hurt I was that they had hardly bothered and that I felt they had been really crap friends and visiting me once or twice in the last 4 months is shit. I also said that I would rather end our friendship now because that way I would not be stressing each time another day goes by without them bothering. The text wasn't nasty or rude but it was blunt and to the point. I hate the fact that I have just thrown away 20 years of friendship but in my opinion they have not very good friends and I have had more help and support from my work colleagues who I've known for only 2 years and also other friends have been great
Do you think I am being unreasonable ?

I think you are very U if you hope that sending the text will do anything than drive your friends away.

I am very very sorry that you are having a difficult time. Life sucks sometimes. However it does sound that you have too high expectations of your friends who may not have any experience of what you are going through. Some friends are good for chat and cake but not good for emotional and practical support. If you want the friendship to continue then perhaps you need to come at it from a different angle - text them and say 'I'm sorry. I'm having a really tough time and it's making me very worried, insecure and unhappy. I miss our cake and chat. Why don't you come over when you can'. If you don't want their friendship any more then it looks like you've already managed that.

@Isadora2007 On the contrary. You are the one who sounds incredibly self-absorbed.

My DH has two cancers. They are trying to cure him but he has had multiple complications from surgery and treatment, spent months in hospital and needs support at home. I work full time and managed to keep the house tidy and clean and I have 4 DC too. I am currently off work as he needs help at home . However a cancer diagnosis does not always mean death. It also doesn't mean that everyone requires support as many folks go in for there treatment during there working day and return to work, Not everyone gets a cancer diagnosis and is suddenly unable to function. Our friends have never offered to make meals or clean our house. I wouldn't expect it either and my close friends contact me every couple of weeks as they are busy with their own lives. They are 100% there for me when I reach out and ask to meet up. My DH kept everyone at a distance and his friends ended up liaising with me as they weren't sure if he would respond to them or not. I do wonder if your upset at your friends is more to do with the lack of support your getting from your own DP? My DH wants me with him and his friends and family are a secondary consideration. Interesting that your upset at your friends but making excuses for him.....

@champagne I hope they do manage to cure him.

I had blood cancer. I know how draining it is. I was neutropenic (no immune system) for most of it so spent quite a bit of time in hospital. It has to be said it's horses for courses but I didn't expect anyone to "step up" even though my youngest was only 2 and my DH had lost his mother suddenly 4 months before. What I did do, and this was a nice way (for me at least) of getting some extra care was post a 50 days of positive things on social media. It lifted my spirits as i thought about good things, not shit and you would be surprised how many people react and get in touch. You can't expect other people to dump their lives for your issues. How many people on here raise issues their friends or family might not know are even going on - abusive husbands, debt, loss of job. It's easy to hide things and you can't trump that just cos you are ill.

I’m so sorry you are so I’ll. It must be horrible.
I understand why you sent that message but I think it was a mistake and I think it was unkind. I know that sounds crazy - how can anything the person who has cancer be unkind but I still think it was. Your friends were unthinking but I doubt that they were deliberately trying to upset you. They were ‘sort of’ keeping in touch and asking how you were even if what they were doing was not enough. However your message was brutal and public. I think you should have spoken to them first or simply withdrawn from them. I don’t get understand what you think you will have achieved by sending that message. It was done to hurt them and I’m sure it will have done just that. Surely it doesn’t make you feel any better???

Anyway, I hope you can get support elsewhere. 💐💐

I haven't read all the reply's...
Im sorry,
it sucks,
this happened with mum when she had cancer too, her closest friends, the ones she would hang out with the most, several times a week sort of thing , were the ones who backed right off and really didn't bother at all with her....
and weirdly people who she only would see at a party of function, not hang out with, totally different circles kind of acquaintances, were the ones who blew us away with their friendship
they would turn up on chemo week ( hers was every 3 weeks and very very rough) with food and drinks and flower and things they had heard, been told etc was helpful during chemo etc, even odd things like special toothpastes that is meant to help fight the chemo damage to teeth, or shampoo that is meant to help with regrowth after chemo ( when it gets a chance to grow back) baskets of mini muffins, or tiny dishes of soup or meatballs an inch in size, all sorts of things to tempt her to eat and in portions that she could eat, women's magazines, books etc, special sensitive skin soaps etc etc tec
it meant so much to us but to her it was WOW as they were people that not friends as such but wives of step dads friends or family members of step dads friends, so not close, and not someone she had even had a coffee with before

we did discover a lot of people did the whole backing away from the soon to be dead woman, or the backing away so they didn't catch the cancer, or were just in it for the fun times only
when she unexpectedly kicked cancers ass and they started to come around again mum discovered she didn't like who they were, now she knew who they really were under that facade, that when she needed their friendship they were not there but people she didn't know jumped right in....

so im sorry they turned out to be in the "afraid" camp but im hoping you will discover a whole new group of people who can offer you friendship and hope and dont hold any bad thoughts for them, as they get to be punished by losing your friendship and your support, as you have already shown you have the strength to fight this by telling them "if you aint with me you can fuck off"

so as you are now on the cancer ride, its a long tough bitch of a thing, know you are not alone, you have support here and too many ladies who have been there and done that and have lots of tips and advice to getting thru the hard days and ill bet many people you know will step up and offer support and help ( even if its just offering you a magazine they have finished with) it all helps ...
you got this!

Sorry about all the typos and bad grammar etc

Absolutely agree champagneandfromage50. I was about to come on and say the same as I'm wondering what people are meaning when they say their friends should 'step up'. My experience was that I had my DH and family there for all the practical support. The last thing I wanted was my mates round all the time cooking, cleaning sitting there when I just needed space to recover. My best friends experience was the same. We were absolutely there for each other in the way that wed be on the end if a phone if needed and would arrange meet ups when we felt able but that was more than enough. I think the level of attention the OP expects from her friends is not usual. I also think its unkind to completely dismiss the friends fatigue after work when there could be more going on there.
If the friends are as good as you say they are OP I would send a conciliatory text and invite them round for a coffee to talk. There may be all sorts of reasons why you haven't got the support you felt you needed from them.

I was diagnosed/treated 18 months ago. People genuinely have no clue about how debilitating it can be during treatment and afterwards. I had chemo and radiotherapy every day for 5 weeks and by the end of it was exhausted and in agony. Also, it's the effects that cancer has on your mental health too. I was amazed by who stepped up - school mums offering to cook for the family, clean the house, take the kids after school - meanwhile older friends only sending text messages. I guess it comes down to lifestyle and your natural disposition to be caring or not, plus whether or not you've first hand experience of watching someone with cancer.
I completely understand how you feel let down but don't think your friends really grasp the magnitude of what you're going through. I wish you well and really hope that you start to turn a corner soon.

One of my friends has cancer at the moment. I’m trying to be as supportive as I can but it’s hard to gauge how much contact she wants- she sometimes indicates that it would be nice to have company but sometimes says she hopes I’ll understand if she doesn’t want to be sociable. I’d be mortified if I received a message from her saying she was thinking of ending our friendship because of lack of contact. I think and care about her a lot. Look after yourself first and foremost OP, but give your friends a chance.

I'm sorry your going through this, DH had hodgkin's lymphoma two years ago so I can fully empathise with what your going through. It's sad but in my experience, real illness/trauma brings out who people really are, and during this time you find out who your friends are and who aren't. It's a shitty thing to go through, especially when your going through so much anyway. YADNBU to feel let down like this, and while it is hard you do need to focus on yourself and surround yourself with people who are there for you. In a lot of time, you'll look back and be pleased this happened as it revealed they werent really friends at all. But right now you need to focus on yourself and getting well. I'm just so sorry your going through this. Sending gentle hugs, and . If you need to vent feel free to PM me, as like I said DH had exactly the same thing and side effects 2 years ago xx

Isadora, what the fuck is wrong with you??

I'd never wish cancer on anyone but you may need to actually experience, in your social/family orbit, the reality of what cancer treatment actually means. Cancer treatment makes people extremely ill for a sustained period of time, usually 6 months.

I would love to have 'gone back to work after treatment' but the reality was I could barely walk or move for weeks at a time. Sometimes I couldn't lift my head from the pillow. This goes on for weeks and weeks. You are also in a great deal of pain and have numerous bizarre and unpleasant symptoms. You are effectively being poisoned to within an inch of your life with high grade poison. You are so weak and ill you think you're going to die - then you have to have another dose of chemo on top. It is the single most gruelling experience of my life. I am traumatised by it.

What people don't realise is you're actually ill, the treatment, the chemo, makes you extremely ill - for a sustained period. You are immunosuppressed so you are told your house needs to be clean, you need help with vacuuming, cleaning and changing the sheets. There was no way I would have been able to change a pillow case let alone make the whole bed.

Cancer sufferers aren't sitting around feeling frightened they have cancer, we are actually very ill indeed with the treatment and we need help. Practical help.

It is also so frightening that we need to know people care. It is a terrible time to find out your friends aren't what you thought, who abandon you at your very worst.

I wouldn't wish that on you or yours Isadora but I do think you are ignorant of the reality of cancer and treatment to say the things you have.

My ex had hodgkin's lymphoma when we were together and I know how debilitating the chemo is (he is now fully recovered and that was over 20 years ago).

I agree your friends should be in contact more. However I think it is incredibly rude and unreasonable to ask them to wash your kitchen floor when you have another adult living in the house who is in good health.

If the sexes were reversed there is NO WAY a man would ask his male friend to wash the kitchen floor if he had a wife/partner living there.

The friend offered, Scarlett.

Even if someone had a partner I'd still know they need as much help as possible.

@springydaff Cancer is an umbrella term for different illnesses. Some people are as ill as you. Others do indeed go back to work in between chemo.
The OP herself is managing to work a few hours a day.

Incidentally I employed a gardener to do a tidy up in my garden when I was too ill to do it. In discussions she told me she had cancer and was in the middle of having chemo.
Another colleague though was extremely ill and had almost every side effect you could have.
Experiences differ widely.

Of course cancers differ widely and of course there are many different chemos! I'm not an idiot.

If people aren't in touch they won't know how you're responding to your cancer, your chemo. They won't know to step up when some days/weeks are tough.

No, they're not there because they're too frightened/selfish. Well bully for them, they can fuck right off.

Springydaff You were questioning the idea that some people with cancer can work in between chemos. Some can and do.

I wasn't questioning it, karen. I said I couldn't. Read my posts.

Curiously, I have quite a high level of knowledge about cancer and cancer treatment. But thanks for pointing that out, karen.

I agree with you OP, they've been shit friends and really let you down. You say they live 3 miles away... They should offer to come round at least once a week even just for 5-10 minutes. They should text or call every day, its really not hard to find 2 minutes. Text on the loo, or while the kettle boils for god sake. Nobody is that busy.

People often say that cancer shows how true your friends are, I hope they use this as a wae up call and step up for you OP.

First of all, from a fellow blood-cancer patient. I completely chime with your anger & frustration. It's so, so shit.

I was interested upthread in the poster who used positive social media to engage with people. We're all so different, and that wouldn't have worked for me at all. (I am the ungrateful type). The following is not a criticism of you: whatever gets you through.

But people do love that upbeat cancer narrative, to the point where it seems to me that it's virtually the only depiction you see on social media. You could almost be forgiven for thinking that the standard thing to do after a cancer diagnosis is to start planning your marathon training and work out to to raise Awareness and One Million Pounds.

I have only admiration for those who do manage things like that, but they are very much the exception, not the rule.

Cancer is devastating. Even the 'best' cancers. (Side note: I think doctors who deliver your cancer diagnosis with a good news spin need to give their heads a wobble. It's minimising and harmful).

It's natural that a friend's diagnosis will make you more aware of your own mortality, and that's uncomfortable to sit with, but there is no running from the fact that you are being a poor friend if you back off because of your own discomfort.

I'm further past my diagnosis than you OP. The free counselling through Macmillan was massively helpful to me in processing my anger and fear.

How busy must people's lives be that they can not text an ill 20 years friend on a Monday and ask how they are doing and if there is anything they can do to make their week a bit easier. How fucking busy they must be not to be able to do a 3 mile journey once a week to visit for an hour. But of course social media has to be updated, coffee has to be drunk etc etc. These aren't some mum's met at the schoolgate, they are friends of 20 years. YANBU.