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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU I have cancer and feel let down by two best friends

239 replies

myboysmum · 14/02/2020 21:34

Last September I was rushed to hospital for emergency surgery for a strangulated hernia. As it turned out when they opened me up it was actually 2 very enlarged lymph nodes which they removed and sent to lab for testing. 2 weeks later I was told I had hodgkin's lymphoma which is a blood cancer.
Two of my best friends who I have known for around 20 years (I actually knew them both first and introduced them to each other around 10 years ago) have really let me down.

After my surgery in September they both came round to visit me separately, I started chemotherapy 3 weeks later on Oct 23rd and they came together to visit me the day before. I have suffered with quite a few side effects from the chemo, the main one being neuropathy which is nerve damage that is effecting the muscles in my legs which leaves me in constant pain and unable to walk very much, I hardly get out the house now due to this.
I met for lunch with both of them two weeks after my first treatment (which I have every other week) but since then one of them has visited me twice, once in December and once at the very beginning of January and sent about 6 texts during that time asking how I am - roughly once every 3 weeks. The other one has visited once at the beginning of December and sent just 2 texts, both times saying sorry for neglecting me but she was so tired after work each day she had no energy to do anything else.

They both said at the beginning they would go through this journey with me but I feel that they have totally neglected me and i feel so hurt and angry. I have to take pain killers every day just to get through the day, I only really leave the house for hospital appointments but occasionally i make it into work If I'm having a good day but that's not very often. I do work from home for a couple of hours each day though. I have become very depressed and now on anti depressants and feeling hurt by my friends has not helped that as it's constantly on my mind that another day/week had passed with out them bothering.
Anyway last night I decided enough was enough and I was going to say something to them. I sent a text on our group what'sapp chat and told them both how hurt I was that they had hardly bothered and that I felt they had been really crap friends and visiting me once or twice in the last 4 months is shit. I also said that I would rather end our friendship now because that way I would not be stressing each time another day goes by without them bothering. The text wasn't nasty or rude but it was blunt and to the point. I hate the fact that I have just thrown away 20 years of friendship but in my opinion they have not very good friends and I have had more help and support from my work colleagues who I've known for only 2 years and also other friends have been great
Do you think I am being unreasonable ?

OP posts:
Original poster
myboysmum · 14/02/2020 22:42

Stripeydeckchair - wow what a lovely friend she was !!! I hope you have made a full recovery from your cancer.

OP posts:
Babyg1995 · 14/02/2020 22:44

So sorry about your health op .but I think yabu everyone has alot going on in there life's I can go months without seeing friends because we all have our own things going on your friends are probably a little shocked at the txt and that's why there not replying.

eaglejulesk · 14/02/2020 22:47

A woman I worked with went through a cancer journey a few years ago, but sadly died. I was amazed at the help and support she got from her friends, they did all they could for her. Which is what good friends do. Sorry, but your friends are sadly lacking in empathy, but often a serious illness does this - as someone else said, it sorts the wheat from the chaff. I think you need to concentrate on yourself and to forget about hoping for a better response from them. Hopefully others will step up on your behalf. Best of luck Flowers

drinkygin · 14/02/2020 22:49

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable OP. If I had a close friend going through cancer I’d be checking in on them much more frequently. It takes 30 seconds to send a text. The fact they haven’t replied speaks volumes- if they were true friends, regardless of wether they thought you were unreasonable, they’d be apologising that you felt abandoned and trying to make an effort. Take care of yourself Flowers wishing you a speedy recovery

Isadora2007 · 14/02/2020 22:55

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Honeyroar · 14/02/2020 22:56

I’m sorry for everything you’ve got going on OP. I totally agree with you. I had a really tough time last year and it really showed me who my friends were. My friend died of cancer last year and some people were awful (including her husband!). I’m finding it hard not tearing a strip off them when they all went on about how gutted they were when she died - they didn’t bother when she was alive.

God there are some cold people on here, or thick, it’s hard to tell! You might only see your close friends once or twice a month under normal circumstances, but if you know they’re going through a really shit time you should make a little more effort. Even if you can’t see them for some reason you can pick up your phone and call or text. If you can’t do that for a good friend you’re pointless as a friend.

Wishing you strength and hoping the people that are around you now are nicer than these useless pair. And well done on telling them.

billy1966 · 14/02/2020 22:57

I also agree this appears a common theme.
The mother of one of my daughters friends has shared how disappointed she has been with close friends and how casual friends have stepped up.

It has been hugely clarifying for her though.

Wishing you well OP.
Difficult to not take it personally but it really does seem most common, so certainly not you.
Wishing you well. Flowers

gib1973 · 14/02/2020 22:59

I had cancer last year. Some friends that I was convinced would be there for me wasn’t to be seen but yet others stepped out of the shadows and were a great source of support. It made me realise who was REALLY there for me when the chips were down....

Original poster
myboysmum · 14/02/2020 23:02

I have had a lot of support from other friends and also my work colleagues and my boss and I have only known them for 2 years. But these two I have known for 20 years and we have always made time to see each other frequently until now.

Eaglejulesk- I agree, good friends should be there for you no matter what just like I have been there for them over the years when they have both been through some shit things. I just feel so let down.
I have also had very little support from my own brother who did not bother to contact me at all for the first 3 months but we have never really been that close. I am actually more hurt about my friends than him though to be honest as I expected it from him but not them

OP posts:
Waitinginthewings · 14/02/2020 23:03

You were to send the message. Once you get through this very, very hard time in your life, I bet your friendship group will look quite different than it did before cancer.

Whatdayisit2 · 14/02/2020 23:03

It's very difficult to get the balance between bombarding someone who's seriously sick with messages and still keeping regular contact especially if they're immunocompomised and can't have visitors. Plus they still have to run their own lives I guess. Perhaps an apology with a bit of guidance as to what type of support you do need??

Standrewsschool · 14/02/2020 23:06

I think if I received your text, I would feel hurt and upset that you would want to end the friendship. Yes, maybe the support hasn’t been what you wanted, but they have text and visited, but maybe not as often as you would like. It doesn’t mean they don’t care, but maybe just have very busy lives at the moment, or want to give you space to recover. Maybe they were waiting to hear from you, to see if you were up to visits, rather than intruding. Not every person going through chemo wants to be sociable.

I’m sorry you are going through cancer (have also had breast cancer), but I do think your text was a little unreasonable.

BillieEilish · 14/02/2020 23:07

YANBU OP

Firstly Flowers for you and all you are going through.

A few years ago, I had something which caused me to have polyneuropathy and be paralysed in a coma for 6 weeks. (GB syndrome, if anyone knows of it, extremely rare)

It took me months to learn to walk after that. I understand precisely the pain it causes and what you are going through.

I agree with so many on this thread. It really does sort the wheat from the chaff.

My DH phoned every day to check with doctors BUT DID NOT VISIT ME ONCE, in ICU or then on the ward. He was told it was 50/50 on me pulling through.

My neighbour, however came every single night and brought a framed photo of DD to put by the bed, she lifted the image from a school website Sad. (I hardly knew her)

People are very, very strange around illness. I have never forgiven my husband and never will.

Do not regret your text. You are very strong and continue to be so.

DishingOutDone · 14/02/2020 23:08

I agree with others it does seem to be a common theme. I'm waiting for biopsy results at the moment I've told 4 friends, 2 have spoken to me every day and 2 have said oh dear and then disappeared.

I'm sorry you've had this added sadness and worry, I think when you see the range of replies of here, some in solidarity and others quite patronisingly telling you that people might have their own problems, be busy etc (as if you're too daft to know that) - well that shows you how people react to being held to account in friendships. Of course some cant cope with cancer, but some dont even want to try.

Concentrate on your real friends and family and surround yourself with good people.

Waitingfordennis · 14/02/2020 23:09

I can't believe the posters on here saying that they only see their friends every couple of months, did they miss the part where you say you have cancer?? It's utterly awful that they aren't there for you OP and I so hope that they come to their senses soon. Sending love and strength to you xx

bringincrazyback · 14/02/2020 23:14

YANBU, they don't sound like true friends to me and it must be very hurtful. Flowers

Krouse64 · 14/02/2020 23:15

When I was diagnosed with cancer I rang my best friend of 30 years who lived one street away and she said she would come around to see me. She walked past my door everyday and never once visited. 3 years later she was diagnosed with cancer herself and rang me and demanded that I visit her despite the fact the last time we spoke was when I found out. I’ll be honest I did go and see her straight away as I totally understood that she found the word cancer hard and I’m glad I did as she sadly died in November. People deal with things in different ways so maybe cut your friends some slack

Friendsofmine · 14/02/2020 23:15

Sorry OP. Yep they are shit. You have yourself Friday friends. People who can't deal with the shitstorm of life and pull back but their for the good times.

In contrast during my bad time of life my 2 best friends, who live 120 miles away have sent care packages every month inc Cook Meals, lovely hand creams, bath bombs, puzzle books, candles, cards, photos of us etc (one or two different thoughtful or practical items) and visited at least every 2 months and text me weekly. For 3 years. Truly supportive people I wouldn't be without.

trixiebelden77 · 14/02/2020 23:16

I wouldn’t have said that by text. I think texting means you say things you simply would not say to their face. A friendship of 20 years deserves more than that.

A better way forward would be to ask for what you need. Some people do not want anyone near them when they are ill.
Others want constant company. It’s hard to know which is which until it happens.

There also won’t be a soul on the planet who has no problems in their life right now.

cstaff · 14/02/2020 23:17

I feel so bad for you OP. I can't believe how they have acted since you took ill. I know it's a saying but it really is times like this that you figure out who your friends are.

I went through serious surgery a few years ago and one of my closest friends would come over every week just for a chat, a walk and coffee. It really made all the difference and kept me sane throughout my time off. She had been through a tough time years ago and I had been there for her and that's how it should be.

I really hope they realise how awful they have been and come good. Hopefully it's not too late Flowers

peekaboob · 14/02/2020 23:18

I haven't read the whole thread but having gone through Cancer (and the type I have means I'll never be discharged) I can say that this is a time where you'll find out who you matter to, not who matters to you. It's tough, but those who are with you now will stay with you. I have since had 2 friends diagnosed since mine and I make sure I check in on them frequently, they have also commented that those they thought they were close to have let them down support-wise.

Friendsofmine · 14/02/2020 23:20

@BillieEilish I can't believe your husband. I wouldn't forgive that either. You have no idea how your loved one is being cared for if you don't go, emotional reasons aside!

Rosehip345 · 14/02/2020 23:21

YABU to send a message like that and expecting a reply. They are probably shell shocked by it so won’t know what to put.

Also people have other things going on in life, it is not their world that’s been rocked by this but yours, they are likely to not tell you currently so as to not add to your burden.

As harsh as it may seem I think what you needed to put was how much you needed them and exactly what it was you want their reaction to be....Which was obviously not to just end a 20yr friendship because they haven’t reacted in the way you’d hoped.

peekaboob · 14/02/2020 23:26

Also it led to the breakdown of my marriage and also I went NC with my brother not long after. He said that I'd had my op (which changed my appearance forever) and should now "get over it".

BillieEilish · 14/02/2020 23:28

friendsofmine thanks, yes, precisely, I had no 'advocate' while in hospital and was in a foreign (DH's) country.

It was incredibly important to have visitors, they assumed you were not worth bothering with if you didn't have them. Was a truly awful time.

I feel so much for OP, until you have had something terrible happen to you (and we all will), you don't understand.

I now take no nonsense from anybody. At all.