AIBU I have cancer and feel let down by two best friends

[myboysmum]

Last September I was rushed to hospital for emergency surgery for a strangulated hernia. As it turned out when they opened me up it was actually 2 very enlarged lymph nodes which they removed and sent to lab for testing. 2 weeks later I was told I had hodgkin's lymphoma which is a blood cancer.
Two of my best friends who I have known for around 20 years (I actually knew them both first and introduced them to each other around 10 years ago) have really let me down.

After my surgery in September they both came round to visit me separately, I started chemotherapy 3 weeks later on Oct 23rd and they came together to visit me the day before. I have suffered with quite a few side effects from the chemo, the main one being neuropathy which is nerve damage that is effecting the muscles in my legs which leaves me in constant pain and unable to walk very much, I hardly get out the house now due to this.
I met for lunch with both of them two weeks after my first treatment (which I have every other week) but since then one of them has visited me twice, once in December and once at the very beginning of January and sent about 6 texts during that time asking how I am - roughly once every 3 weeks. The other one has visited once at the beginning of December and sent just 2 texts, both times saying sorry for neglecting me but she was so tired after work each day she had no energy to do anything else.

They both said at the beginning they would go through this journey with me but I feel that they have totally neglected me and i feel so hurt and angry. I have to take pain killers every day just to get through the day, I only really leave the house for hospital appointments but occasionally i make it into work If I'm having a good day but that's not very often. I do work from home for a couple of hours each day though. I have become very depressed and now on anti depressants and feeling hurt by my friends has not helped that as it's constantly on my mind that another day/week had passed with out them bothering.
Anyway last night I decided enough was enough and I was going to say something to them. I sent a text on our group what'sapp chat and told them both how hurt I was that they had hardly bothered and that I felt they had been really crap friends and visiting me once or twice in the last 4 months is shit. I also said that I would rather end our friendship now because that way I would not be stressing each time another day goes by without them bothering. The text wasn't nasty or rude but it was blunt and to the point. I hate the fact that I have just thrown away 20 years of friendship but in my opinion they have not very good friends and I have had more help and support from my work colleagues who I've known for only 2 years and also other friends have been great
Do you think I am being unreasonable ?

@StartingAgain33 Her friends started seeing her less when she was recovering from an operation for a month, then she was diagnosed with cancer. So they started to fall away before, because of illness.

If OP does not want to be friends with them anymore and just wants everyone to say they are shit friends, then that is fine. I was trying to suggest a way forward though. Its not about victim blaming, but simply that you do have to think of the outcome you want.

And we all have expectations of people. But we need to think what we do when they are not met. Simply saying you are all shit may feel good, but it is not always the best way forward.

@karencantobe - that's a good point. It's easy to get caught in emotion and act out of that rather than thinking about what outcome you want and acting in a way to elicit it. I just feel like the OP has the right to not have the energy to be so mindful of that given her current condition, but YMMV.

It is a very common theme with cancer patients that some friends melt away. Others surprise by stepping up.

The ones who melt away; it is incredibly hurtful. There were several who did it to me, one who crossed the road to avoid me, and one who walked her children past my door everyday to school but never once offered to take mine with her in the 15 months of my treatment. When I directly asked for help she replied "i will do what I can".....and then never offered and never replied to any text asking for help.

I learnt that it's not about me. It's about them. Always. OP you need to repeat this to yourself, often.

Maybe they have someone in their lives who died of cancer and they can't cope with the reminder. Or maybe they are just selfish shits who think their teeny weeny problems make them ineligible to help.

And you to concentrate on those who will step up. And your circle of friends will change. And you will never forgive the two who were shite when you needed them most. When you are better they have a habit of thinking the coast is clear and that now they will be all matey matey again. It is appalling. But it's about them and their flawed characters or inability to cope. Not you.

@Isadora2007 I wish that you had gotten some special treatment during your cancer - in my worldview, we should all support eachother through hard times, although I guess we are all very individual in what we feel we need and expect ourselves. Thanks for apologising to the OP.

Just an update, I have heard nothing from either of them and they have now both removed themselves from our group chat on WhatsApp. I guess that says it all.

I have just told my DP about this as I had not spoken to him about it at all and he is disgusted with them. He has kept saying to me over the last few weeks that it was weird that they hadn't been round but I just brushed it off each time and said oh they must be busy.

I know a few of you have said I have thrown away 20 years of friendship by sending that text but to me they have been the ones to throw it away. I just walked away after constantly feeling rejected

@StartingAgain33 Yes I understand she may not be up to thinking about that.
I always advise people to think what outcome they want though. I see too many parents for example storming up to schools and shouting at teachers without actually stopping to think what they actually want to achieve.

It is not cancer. Any serious illness makes people melt away. There are lots of reasons for that, some reasonable and some not. In general people are better at stepping up for one off needs than more ongoing needs.

@myboysmum I am not surprised they have not replied. I don't really know what anyone could have said in response and not looked like a total bitch.

Jesus wept!
Op's friends have gone from seeing each other once a week/2weeks to a couple of times/texts in several months but they are still good friends???
Happy to let op support them through all thier problems but not there for her?
Offering to come and help.her then cancelling at last minute?
Still have time for each other but not op?

Thats not the actions of good friends at all. Its crap.
And as forops dh doing everything he cant if he is working long hours away and op has said he does do lots to support her. Does nobody do anything for thier friends just because "you have a dp he can do it."?? What an attitude.

Sorry that you have to go through all that treatment op and glad you are getting support from real friends and family. Hope life gets easier for you soon.

Isadora2007 - I am not expecting special treatment just because I've got cancer. I just wanted the same friendship/ treatment from them that I had before all this. I would love nothing more than to sit with them and chat over coffee about everything other than the cancer and just be normal for a couple of hours.

I’m not surprised by the lack or response either.

@karencantobe

'@myboysmum I am not surprised they have not replied. I don't really know what anyone could have said in response and not looked like a total bitch.'

There's many ways of not coming across as a total bitch. Just - don't be a total bitch.

What about - 'I'm sorry, you're right. I haven't been there for enough and I want to fix that. Can we try again?'

And if you really think it's worth talking about your own hurt in this situation, you could say 'Your text hurt my feelings because it assuming the worst of my intentions, which are good even if they haven't come across that way. I don't think you do really want to end the friendship, but if you do I'll respect it. If not, let me know if I can come round?'

YANBU. They’ve been utterly shit.

Sorry op. They’re arseholes.

That's disgusting. What a pair of absolute bastards.

karencantobe

Thanks. And I'm sorry about your friend, that must have been awful.

Oh OP that's so shit of them

Billie she still has some nerve issues and has very poor health generally. Fortuntely, although born early and very small, my DB survived with no lasting damage. Same as you, she had to learn to walk and talk again and all of that stuff. It must be such an horrific thing to go through.

Although I cut out the people who disappeared, there was one friend, my oldest friend, I had it out with.

No, I didn't have the presence of mind to think what I wanted. I said my piece and was clearly upset and angry (how awkwardly human I was being there!). Initially she took it badly, I suppose, and was a bit curt. But she, and her husband, made big changes in their life as a result. We are very much back on track and she is mindful.

That's a good friend - not perfect, gets things wrong, but makes changes. You can't get better than that. We also, I think, can expect the space to get things wrong sometimes and for the friend to make allowances due to the situation.

Your 'friends' have shown their mettle, or lack of, op. The pain in your text should have been apparent - and responded to appropriately, kindly, given the circumstances.

I hope you can recover from this big disappointment - as so many of us have who have experienced the same in the same circumstances. All you needed was a cuppa and some kindness and care eh? ❤️

I've just come across this thread, myboysmum, and you have my heartfelt sympathy for what you are going through. My DH has been battling lymphatic cancer for some time and I know from caring for him just how draining it can be.

What I found was that some members of our families were supportive. Some made it a life-draining drama all about them and their emotions.

Some friends were genuinely thoughtful. Some said the right things but disappeared like melting snow. Rather like your friends, I'm sad to say.

Some of my neighbours were amazing: the 15 year old daughter next door who baked me a cake (I lived on it for three days while I was back and forth to the hospital like a woman demented); the elderly neighbour who offered to clean my car (and valeted it to showroom standard) because he didn't know how else to express his support. The woman from across the road who shyly knocked on our door and handed over some daffodils from her garden to cheer us up.

People you thought you could rely on will cross the road to avoid you but you will also experience random acts of kindness from strangers.

I hope today is a better day for you and that you find a way to put this to one side and concentrate on going forward 💐

Just an update, I have heard nothing from either of them and they have now both removed themselves from our group chat on WhatsApp. I guess that says it all.

To be honest, I would have removed myself from a group chat on receiving a message like the one you sent

Some people are selfish shits. Your 'friends' clearly fall into this group.

I cannot believe how many yabus you are getting.

When a friend is going through something horrendous, you should be there for them MORE, not less than when they were well.

You and your friends got together every week/fortnight and that was something they could both do. Until you tell them you have cancer and suddenly neither of them can do the weekly/fortnightly meetups with you because reasons (but they can still meet each other)

Invites came while you were well but when you told them you had cancer suddenly there's no invites for you but again, they're still hanging out.

They tell you they will be there for you AND say tell us what we can do and when you take them up on their offer, they cancel on you.

They text you, you've even got a group whatsap, soon as you tell them you have cancer it's instant tumbleweed.

I seriously doubt they both have terrible problems that have suddenly presented at the same time as each other and which coincidence with you telling them of your cancer and which prevents them from coming to see you, invite you out or have a chat but does not stop them socialising with each other.

You'd have to be an idiot to actually think this is anything other than them ducking out because they don't want to be the ones supporting op even though she has been there for them when they needed her.

To be honest, I would have removed myself from a group chat on receiving a message like the one you sent

Out of guilt?

Coincide. Bloody autocorrect

@myboysmumthey are completely and utter TWATS! I don’t think you’ve been unreasonable asking for help and expecting them to be, well friends! As for cleaning I don’t think it’s wrong to ask a friend to help if you’re unwell - that’s what friends do.
If my friend sent me that text I would be on the phone apologising for being a shit human and asking what I can do, I can’t believe they didn’t even reply to you.
Yes some people find stuff like this hard, but life is hard, and friends step up.

I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this when you’re so poorly and I hope your health improves.

OP, I still think you messed up by posting such a harsh message on the Whattsapp group. I would have spoken to them first and let them know how I was feeling. Do you actually feel better from sending the message and ending the ‘friendships’ so dramatically? What were you trying to achieve? Was your motivation to hurt them too?
Who else is in the Whattsapp group? Aren’t you worried about what other people in the group will think?