AIBU I have cancer and feel let down by two best friends

[myboysmum]

Last September I was rushed to hospital for emergency surgery for a strangulated hernia. As it turned out when they opened me up it was actually 2 very enlarged lymph nodes which they removed and sent to lab for testing. 2 weeks later I was told I had hodgkin's lymphoma which is a blood cancer.
Two of my best friends who I have known for around 20 years (I actually knew them both first and introduced them to each other around 10 years ago) have really let me down.

After my surgery in September they both came round to visit me separately, I started chemotherapy 3 weeks later on Oct 23rd and they came together to visit me the day before. I have suffered with quite a few side effects from the chemo, the main one being neuropathy which is nerve damage that is effecting the muscles in my legs which leaves me in constant pain and unable to walk very much, I hardly get out the house now due to this.
I met for lunch with both of them two weeks after my first treatment (which I have every other week) but since then one of them has visited me twice, once in December and once at the very beginning of January and sent about 6 texts during that time asking how I am - roughly once every 3 weeks. The other one has visited once at the beginning of December and sent just 2 texts, both times saying sorry for neglecting me but she was so tired after work each day she had no energy to do anything else.

They both said at the beginning they would go through this journey with me but I feel that they have totally neglected me and i feel so hurt and angry. I have to take pain killers every day just to get through the day, I only really leave the house for hospital appointments but occasionally i make it into work If I'm having a good day but that's not very often. I do work from home for a couple of hours each day though. I have become very depressed and now on anti depressants and feeling hurt by my friends has not helped that as it's constantly on my mind that another day/week had passed with out them bothering.
Anyway last night I decided enough was enough and I was going to say something to them. I sent a text on our group what'sapp chat and told them both how hurt I was that they had hardly bothered and that I felt they had been really crap friends and visiting me once or twice in the last 4 months is shit. I also said that I would rather end our friendship now because that way I would not be stressing each time another day goes by without them bothering. The text wasn't nasty or rude but it was blunt and to the point. I hate the fact that I have just thrown away 20 years of friendship but in my opinion they have not very good friends and I have had more help and support from my work colleagues who I've known for only 2 years and also other friends have been great
Do you think I am being unreasonable ?

Good morning all, I'm surprised how many people think I've been unreasonable. These are two friends who I've had a lot of contact with over the years and we saw each other a lot. That has all stopped since my diagnosis. They have found time to see each other during the last few months but have not found time to see me and I no longer get invited even when I was well enough to leave the house. They know I have good and bad days and up until Christmas I was getting out quite a bit but since then I have had 3 infections and my legs are so much weaker now so I only really get out for hospital appointments. Today I am dealing with a slightly raised temperature and my face looks like I have severe sunburn for some reason. My white blood count was really high this week too which indicates infection so may be coming down with something again.

I'm not expecting them to be there for me constantly, I understand they have their lives too but do think it's piss poor to only visit a couple of times in 4 months especially when I would see them so often before all this started. They have both been through some shit times too over the years and I have been there 100% for both of them. One of them moved house 3 times in a year and I packed most of her house up each time as it's something she struggled to deal with along we informing all the necessary people of her new address and sorting out utilities etc. I was happy to help her as that's what friends do. I just feel that at a time when I've really needed their support they have disappeared and it hurts a lot.

As for them doing my housework. I didn't ask her to do it as DP hadn't. She asked me if there was any housework that I needed doing when she came and she was happy to do it so I said yes please just my kitchen floor. She then asked if I had any ironing as she loves doing it (mad I know lol). My partner does sometimes have to go away for work so there have been maybe 4 occasions where I have been on my own at home for 4 days at a time.

I love these friends dearly and feel gutted that I've lost them as we have had so many good times together. At the beginning of this journey I would text them both a lot, sometimes they replied, sometimes they didn't so eventually I stopped. Even before the start of chemo I was laid up for 4 weeks due to having surgery on my groin when I couldn't drive to go see them but they visited just once the day after I came out of hospital.

Thank you to those that that understand how I feel and your lovely comments.

Anger when you get diagnosed with a serious life threatening illness is common. I agree that counselling from Macmillan would help.

I would focus on trying to meet up with friends. So suggesting they come round for coffee and cake or you go out to a local cafe or pub. Just getting out for an hour helps.

@myboysmum Did you ask them why they met up and did not invite you?

You have the time to send them a text, joke or a photo, more regularly, so you have had the opportunity from your side

Bloody hell! What a ridiculous thing to say. She did that and had little response.

OP, some people are just selfish. Some "can't cope" with illness or bereavement, "don't know what to say", and make your illness all about how they feel. My mother told me that after my dad died in his 50s she literally saw people she knew well spot her in the street and cross the road so they didn't have to speak to her.

They found time to meet up with each other but not to pop in to see you? Then they're not your real friends. Forget them and concentrate on those who have shown that they are. I think it's better to do what you did than stew on it and get upset, as it's no reflection on you.

Stuff 'em and I hope your health improves soon.

No I never asked them Karen, it just hurt. Macmillan have been kinda crap also. I met my Macmillan nurse on the day of my diagnosis and have spoken to her twice since on the phone where I made both calls. One call was to ask about my results of my interim scan but she seemed pissed of that I was wasting her time phoning. They've never phoned me to ask how things are and offered no support what so ever

@starbuckerssmart I crossed the road a few days after my neighbour's wife had died of cancer. He had always been hostile to us, but suddenly wanted sympathy because his wife had died. I had just found out the day before that my close friend had killed herself. I really did not have any emotional energy to be nice to him.
I can imagine him sharing this story of how horrible his neighbours are.

@myboysmum I am sorry to hear MacMillan have been so poor.
I understand your reluctance to ask them, but I think you did need to. They may have thought you were too ill to do things like that. Or they may think you want to meet up and just talk about cancer and they have things they need support with.
You have been friends with these women for 20 years. Call them up and talk to them.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Cancer is an ugly fucker that needs to do one.

My DD had cancer 3 years ago - fortunately in remission and expected to stay that way - and my friendships have changed loads. Some people were supportive and have hung around, some were supportive at the time and have gradually dropped off the radar, others were total vultures picking over the remnants of our lives and were told firmly where to go.

Your support might be from the people you least expect it from

Of course some people can act in an entitled way while going through cancer treatment. There are entitled people everywhere, cancer notwithstanding. I met a few during my delightful cancer journey. Id still say the majority are bog standard, decent people who are going through hell and are very frightened. If not terrified. And need the love and comfort and support of those close. Or those they thought were close - it is an immense shock when the people you expect to turn up don't.

Fwiw karen, I know someone who had the same cancer and the same chemo as me and she was playing badminton during her treatment! My mind boggles but there we are, each experience is different.

But as the point of this thread is those supposedly close not stepping up during a crisis, I'll repeat what I wrote upthread:

If people aren't in touch they won't know how you're responding to your cancer, your chemo. They won't know to step up when some days/weeks are tough.

Also OP you say they were not in touch during your groin surgery. So this is not specifically about cancer. This is about you being ill and their reaction to that.

I also had a poor experience with Macmillan I'm afraid. They look good, and glossy, but ime there wasn't much substance to their extravagant claims.

And HEAR HEAR to your post, Miles, esp But people do love that upbeat cancer narrative. Makes me puke how it's become a bit of a party.

karencantobe

I doubt very much my mother was horrible to anyone and she didn't necessarily want "sympathy" just not bizarre behaviour from people who had always stopped to ask how my dad was when he was alive (he'd been ill for a long time). Completely different situations.

@starbucks Sorry yes it is different situations.

If they are such good friends as you say it's a shame you couldn't just say 'next time you're going out just let me know I'd like to come if I'm feeling up to it'. Maybe what they had planned to do was totally unsuitable for you, who knows. Shame you couldn't just reach out for a bit more support before you lambasted them. I'd be gutted to receive that text from a friend of 20 years.

And I'd be gutted if a friend/s of 20 years disappeared when I became extremely ill. There's gutted and there's gutted.

They haven't disappeared though. They've visited and texted just not as much as the OP wants. One has also explained she's struggling herself at the moment. I guess everyone needs/expects different levels of contact. I just think a discussion around that would have been better with close friends than sending a message which effectively ends the friendship

@kingkuta Oh come off it. From what OP says they were in contact a lot more, then she drops the C word, and suddenly they're busy all the time? Not too busy to see each other though, and not too busy to tell her about it.

They sound like a pair of arseholes.

The contact has drastically reduced since op became ill. That's disappearing.

Decades ago I was that shit friend. I was busy with a toddler and a newborn and 'new' to having anyone I know with cancer. I thought it best to leave her alone (I knew she had someone else living nearby who was managing the practical stuff for her) because she'd be tired and preoccupied.

Even now I'm appalled at myself for that. I don't know what I was thinking. And of course I'd be devastated to have got a message from her like the one sent by the OP.
My friend never asked me to come round or say that she needed anything, and I'm sure she had her reasons for that (which would be far better than mine) but if she had I hopefully would have been a better friend to her.

In your position OP, I don't think I'd have gone nuclear at this point. But again, I imagine that you're going to be feeling very emotional at the moment. I think the friendships will be over now, but I hope there's a tiny chance that they don't write you off for calling them crap friends

It's irrelevant how many times people think it is reasonable to catch up with ones friends, and making comparisons. What is relevant is that during times like these it is not unreasonable to expect those you consider your friends to rally around you. That's what friends should be doing, and this is what separates your real friends from your fair-weather friends. I'm sorry this has happened OP. You are not BU to feel hurt. It seems like your two 'friends' were happy to take your support when they needed it but made a poor effort for you in return. I wish you the best with your recovery

Sorry your going through all of this, I think you did the best thing. Very unfair of them to just distance themselves when your going through a hard time. I've had this I 3 years ago I lost my first baby in late pregnancy was awful, my best friend at the time just sent a message and then that was it!

Never heard for ages, like months!! then when she thought it would be safe (or I'd be more fun or listen to her crap) came the I thought best to leave you alone, I didn't want to get in the way bla bla,

I did move past it and were we're friends again but I didn't feel the same then I lost my mum 6 months ago, have a heard from her! Have I hell! I want to send her a message telling her how awful is she and don't think she should just drift away and then change what happened in her head and make it sound OK. 15 years of friendship I did so much and supported her through loads! Some ppl are rubbish when it's not about them or what you can do for them.but hubby thinks best to just leave it.

You don't need them, good for you. Hope you feel better soon and put this all behind you.

@Isadora2007 I'm surprised you're asking why your original post was reported. Isn't it obvious from what people have said? (it wasn't me by the way, but I was the original one to say you're being an arsehole).

The way you are talking about and actually TO the person with cancer on this forum is terribly cruel. If you can't see that you need some serious help.

And talking of 'me, me, me' - it looks like the reason you're so nasty is because you're bitter about your own experience of cancer and the lack of support around that. There are two camps of people - those that are treated badly and so decide they'll treat others badly; and those that are treated badly and never want to see that happen again.

So it's really you that's being 'me, me me' here. This isn't about YOUR experience of cancer, it's about the OPs. But you can't see that because you're bitter, cruel and selfish.

That's why you got reported.

@karencantobe I feel like you're victim blaming a bit. The OP has been clear she's reached out a lot to these people and they've been flakey and shit. They can read between the lines, they know what's up.

Does she really need to go through the emotional labour and stress of explicitly stating what she wants and needs? She's done loads of support for them - they know that. And that sort of thing is difficult enough without being utterly physically and emotionally exhausted from the cancer and its treatment. Do you have any idea how exhausting that is?

All this shit about 'it's her fault' is just laying pain on top of pain. Why can't you just admit their behaviour is not her fault? I'm not even saying you need to blame them - just don't blame her.

If that’s what you think @startingagain33 that’s up to you- I’m not the only one who thinks the OP has been unreasonable in expecting more from her friends though so I’m not sure you’re right about it being my issue. I don’t and didn’t expect special treatment due to my cancer and dislike it when people do seem to think they should treat someone differently because of it. I’m certain I’m not bitter cruel or selfish and Ian sorry @myboysmum if I have come across that way to you on this thread. That wasn’t my intention and I do hope you can find support elsewhere that is meaningful.