AIBU I have cancer and feel let down by two best friends

[myboysmum]

Last September I was rushed to hospital for emergency surgery for a strangulated hernia. As it turned out when they opened me up it was actually 2 very enlarged lymph nodes which they removed and sent to lab for testing. 2 weeks later I was told I had hodgkin's lymphoma which is a blood cancer.
Two of my best friends who I have known for around 20 years (I actually knew them both first and introduced them to each other around 10 years ago) have really let me down.

After my surgery in September they both came round to visit me separately, I started chemotherapy 3 weeks later on Oct 23rd and they came together to visit me the day before. I have suffered with quite a few side effects from the chemo, the main one being neuropathy which is nerve damage that is effecting the muscles in my legs which leaves me in constant pain and unable to walk very much, I hardly get out the house now due to this.
I met for lunch with both of them two weeks after my first treatment (which I have every other week) but since then one of them has visited me twice, once in December and once at the very beginning of January and sent about 6 texts during that time asking how I am - roughly once every 3 weeks. The other one has visited once at the beginning of December and sent just 2 texts, both times saying sorry for neglecting me but she was so tired after work each day she had no energy to do anything else.

They both said at the beginning they would go through this journey with me but I feel that they have totally neglected me and i feel so hurt and angry. I have to take pain killers every day just to get through the day, I only really leave the house for hospital appointments but occasionally i make it into work If I'm having a good day but that's not very often. I do work from home for a couple of hours each day though. I have become very depressed and now on anti depressants and feeling hurt by my friends has not helped that as it's constantly on my mind that another day/week had passed with out them bothering.
Anyway last night I decided enough was enough and I was going to say something to them. I sent a text on our group what'sapp chat and told them both how hurt I was that they had hardly bothered and that I felt they had been really crap friends and visiting me once or twice in the last 4 months is shit. I also said that I would rather end our friendship now because that way I would not be stressing each time another day goes by without them bothering. The text wasn't nasty or rude but it was blunt and to the point. I hate the fact that I have just thrown away 20 years of friendship but in my opinion they have not very good friends and I have had more help and support from my work colleagues who I've known for only 2 years and also other friends have been great
Do you think I am being unreasonable ?

I've said yabu - not for feeling let down, but for sending the text that you did. You haven't given them any opportunity to explain why they've behaved the way they have or shown any consideration for anything they may be going through. Frankly it seems as though you're really angry at the changes in your life and have decided to blame it on them, rather than deal with the fact that at the moment life has just dealt you a shit hand.

You don't know that they aren't also dealing with something difficult that either they haven't wanted to burden you with or you just haven't given them an opportunity to tell you about. Or maybe they were trying to give you space so as not to exhaust you. My aunt had cancer a few years ago and she and her husband really got annoyed with some friends who were constantly bothering them with their concern, when what she needed was space and time to look after herself. Perhaps they've heard similar stories and are trying not to burden you in the same way.

You've gone for the nuclear option and thrown out the entire friendship without offering them any benefit of the doubt after 20 years friendship. Maybe you're right about them and you've done the right thing, but maybe you've cut off your nose to spite your face...

Bloody hell @BillieEilish, I'm speechless.

Is he still your husband?

I also, thinking about it, have a brilliant friend. His DW got cancer, he did all the right things, but somehow their marriage completely changed for the worse.

I lost respect for him.

It really is 'in sickness and in health' but so few pull through 'peekaboo'

The posters on here saying these "friends" have their own problems going on are just summising as OP would know and have said and are likely the kind of friends who would just text once a month themselves I bet.

Notice how most of the people agreeing YANBU have been on the receiving end of a serious health issue.

Standrewsschool - i have asked for help from them, one friend offered to help me with housework and I asked if she would wash my kitchen floor and iron me a couple if bits as that's something I couldn't manage. She said yes of course but then on the day she was due to arrive an hour before she cancelled and hasn't been since. When they have text I have told them how much I was struggling and the constant pain and how lonely it is sitting in day after day on my own but it still never made them come round to see me.

Billiellish - wow lovely husband, not surprised you have not forgiven him. I understand people struggling, my partner has been very stressed and developed ezchma(spelling) and there are times when we have rowed but he has been very supportive and very caring and we have only been together 3 years. Not much help with the housework though lol

Dishingoutdone- good luck with your biopsy results.

MumW it's been 4 years and I live apart from him now, with our young DD.
We'll see... I can't leave atm.

Thanks

Yep, been there. Amazing the people that step up and those that disappear. I was really unwell this time last year and my sister and a very close friend took umbrage at something (no idea what) and never came near. I was admitted to hospital and 2 friends drove 130 miles to visit me as a surprise. Other visitors were people I'd not seen for years but close friends didn't come near. I've forgiven but I'll never forget. Those that stepped up I'll be forever grateful too x

myboysmum

I really think it makes you grow up doesn't it? I can't tolerate stupid things from my Dsis about OLD anymore!

Get well soon... anger is quite helpful in being determined I think! Glad you have a lovely DP!

We aren't surmising, we're just pointing out that, based on the information the op has given she seems to have surmised the reasons for the friends behaviour. Maybe there's more back story than the op has detailed so she has more reason to think the way she does than it's apparent, maybe she is right and they just don't care, we're just pointing out that she shouldn't assume, but at least give them an opportunity to explain. And if after that she wanted to dump them that's her choice.

I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis. Last year I was diagnosed with breast cancer and it's taught me who are my real friends. Try to focus on you, you are the most important thing and as long as your family support you that's all that matters.

BillieEilish your husband was an absolute dick but sadly I'm not surprised. My Mum had GB syndrome when she was pregnant and my Dad was similar by all accounts. Right now as we speak my Grandad is dying in hospital and my wonderful Aunt has just been diagnosed with cancer last week. I will do whatever I need to do to support them both and my Mum.

OP I can understand how hurt you must be. Do you think maybe your friends have taken a step back to protect themselves as they don't understand your treatment/prognosis? Sending you and wishing you all the best for your treatment and recovery

Also been there and got the cancer tshirt, it's really crap, all of it, none of it is a gift, and people just don't get it. I have lost friends i had for decades, my brother just doesn't talk to me, my church friends and my neighbours now don't talk to me either, my illness must just make them really uncomfortable. It was a very lonely time. I now have a very different landscape of friends and hobbies, it does slowly get better. I am so much more picky about where and on whom I spend my limited energy.
Try online support through macmillan and maggies online, they have chat groups, they saved my sanity. And read this, its applicable to all the way through treatment and how people just don't get it.
<a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.workingwithcancer.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/After-the-treatment-finishes-then-what.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwitmcfondLnAhXARxUIHW5_DqQQFjAAegQIBRAB&usg=AOvVaw2Zkfakgg8v4EVaxg1z3eUM" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.workingwithcancer.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/After-the-treatment-finishes-then-what.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwitmcfondLnAhXARxUIHW5_DqQQFjAAegQIBRAB&usg=AOvVaw2Zkfakgg8v4EVaxg1z3eUM
There are some good twitter cancer communities out there too. Don't spend time or energy on your friends, find others that better understand.

I have had several friends who have been seriously ill at times, with cancer and other issues. Largely I have stepped up, but with one friend I did not. I had a lot going on but did not feel able to tell my friend this. Its hard when you are really struggling yourself to have the emotional energy to give to someone else.

None of us know if they are being reasonable or not.

I think YABU for sending that message before speaking with your friends. One of them has already apoligised and explained how tired she is after work. You really have no idea whether there is more going on in their lives that they didn't want to burden you with. Also I would not be happy with you asking me to wash your floor when you had a partner there. Why not ask him to do it?

Best of luck, OP.

Hi there, so sorry you're going through this. I supported someone on a very intense basis with cancer and I know what is needed and how all encompassing and horrendous it is. But I think most people dont understand. Thats no excuse, but it Is common. I basically had to tell my boyfriend's friends to do things like send cards (with deadlines) and managed his care and visits etc, so I could be open about how much support he needed without him needing to bear that burden. I think he was still pretty disappointed by his friends and family, some of whom were shit to be honest. Pretty much everyone apart from one just didnt get it and she worked in nursing. What I'm trying to say is, whatever choice you make about your friendship after this is ok. And dont blame yourself or think these people didnt value you. They did, in their own way, but sadly most people just do not have the capacity to be compassionate in these situations. It makes me angry but it is true. Really best of luck to you. You dont need this and the illness will be making you feel worse. You are loved, and you deserve care. I'm sorry.

Hangingwith OMG your DM had GBS? A truly horrible and rare thing, and during pregnancy? Dear Lord. I think men see you as basically 'a vegetable' and panic. You are of no use anymore

I hope your DM made a full recovery... I can't write well now and I can't run, all from nerve damage, but feel OK mostly.

There are quite a few famous people who have had it, if you google GBS!

I do agree OP, people take a step back because they are reminded of (all of our mortalites), to protect themselves.

I’ve recently been through some major life changing health problems. Nothing compared to what you’re going through now, it must be so difficult .

I also got very upset seeing that some of my best friends were not the ones to step up to the plate and offer support. I don’t think it comes from a lack of sympathy, just a total lack of understanding and maybe limited life experience in coping with and supporting friends through difficult times.

On the other hand, some friends and family (not my best friends or closest family) have been incredibly supportive and I’ve been overwhelmed by their kindness. Try not to focus on your disappointment but instead reach out to those who are happy to and able to support you, even if they’re not the ones who you expected to be asking for help during this difficult time.

I was diagnosed with Hodgkins last year too OP, when my baby was under a year old. It’s a horrible feeling.
But I do still think YABU. Other people have their own lives to lead - and TBH you’ve had more contact from your friends and seen them more often than I saw my in laws during my whole treatment (let alone getting any help with the baby during that time 🤷‍♀️). It is what it is, people have their own lives and stuff going on too. Since my recovery I’ve certainly found out that many of my friends had a lot of their own shit going on at the time that they shielded me from.
I hope your treatment is successful and your side effects ease off a bit. Not sure what protocol you’re on but I was on ABDV and once my scans were clear (but before my treatment was finished) they dropped the bleomycin which made a HUGE difference to my side effects, particularly the pain. Perhaps with chatting to your specialist if that’s the case?

You know what as well? A year or two after 'recovery' you re contact 'friends ' who fell off the radar etc. While you were ill.

You explain what happened and some actually delight in the misery, they really, really do. It makes them feel better about their lives. It really is a thing.

Those, one friend I had had for 20 years, I completely ghosted. could not be bothered. 'I was telling DP the other day about what you said about wearing nappies ...' No, don't tell DP (who I don't know) that please.

I don't think your friends are shit. You loved them before your diagnosis and they are still the same people. You don't mention a partner, children, family or siblings (apologies if I've missed it) so are you pinning all your hopes for every type of support on these two friends? Is that realistic?

I wish you all the very best for your ongoing treatment and recovery.

Currynchips - I have been completely honest about our friendship. We have spent a lot of time together over the years. We would take it in turns usually once a week/2 weeks to host coffee and cakes at each other's houses. This was right up until I was diagnosed. (Apart from the occasions I cancelled when I wasn't feeling well) When we text I always ask after them also. I know they have met up themselves but I am never invited now and they never say they will come to mine if I'm not feeling up to going out, even though i told them I am struggling and feel isolated. I find out after they have met up so they no longer include me in their plans. One of them just said she hadn't been to visit as she was too tired after work, no one works 24/7. Surely she could have found more than 2 hours over there last 4 months to visit. This particular friend is single and I always made a point of inviting her over for BBq's or Sunday lunch so she wouldn't be lonely at home on her own all the time. She always accepted the invitation then but now I don't have the energy to do loads of cooking for others and it's not the best weather for bbq's lol the visits have stopped. The other friend when she does text always says I can't stop thinking about you and miss you and I tell her i miss her too but still nothing has changed. She actually said once that I shouldn't push people away and I should accept their help. That is something I have definitely not done, well until now. I would have loved their help and support over there last few months. I had planned to say how I felt to their face but being that they never came I never had the opportunity and as more and more time has gone on I decided my only option was by text

OP has a lovely, supportive DP ChicChic

I have read just a few replies and feel sick and sad that people are so blasé about your diagnosis. If a close friend of mine had a potentially life threatening disease whatever it was ,I would do everything possible to help !! I hope you make a full recovery and hope that your true friends actually do step up and show compassion and empathy 💐