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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU I have cancer and feel let down by two best friends

239 replies

myboysmum · 14/02/2020 21:34

Last September I was rushed to hospital for emergency surgery for a strangulated hernia. As it turned out when they opened me up it was actually 2 very enlarged lymph nodes which they removed and sent to lab for testing. 2 weeks later I was told I had hodgkin's lymphoma which is a blood cancer.
Two of my best friends who I have known for around 20 years (I actually knew them both first and introduced them to each other around 10 years ago) have really let me down.

After my surgery in September they both came round to visit me separately, I started chemotherapy 3 weeks later on Oct 23rd and they came together to visit me the day before. I have suffered with quite a few side effects from the chemo, the main one being neuropathy which is nerve damage that is effecting the muscles in my legs which leaves me in constant pain and unable to walk very much, I hardly get out the house now due to this.
I met for lunch with both of them two weeks after my first treatment (which I have every other week) but since then one of them has visited me twice, once in December and once at the very beginning of January and sent about 6 texts during that time asking how I am - roughly once every 3 weeks. The other one has visited once at the beginning of December and sent just 2 texts, both times saying sorry for neglecting me but she was so tired after work each day she had no energy to do anything else.

They both said at the beginning they would go through this journey with me but I feel that they have totally neglected me and i feel so hurt and angry. I have to take pain killers every day just to get through the day, I only really leave the house for hospital appointments but occasionally i make it into work If I'm having a good day but that's not very often. I do work from home for a couple of hours each day though. I have become very depressed and now on anti depressants and feeling hurt by my friends has not helped that as it's constantly on my mind that another day/week had passed with out them bothering.
Anyway last night I decided enough was enough and I was going to say something to them. I sent a text on our group what'sapp chat and told them both how hurt I was that they had hardly bothered and that I felt they had been really crap friends and visiting me once or twice in the last 4 months is shit. I also said that I would rather end our friendship now because that way I would not be stressing each time another day goes by without them bothering. The text wasn't nasty or rude but it was blunt and to the point. I hate the fact that I have just thrown away 20 years of friendship but in my opinion they have not very good friends and I have had more help and support from my work colleagues who I've known for only 2 years and also other friends have been great
Do you think I am being unreasonable ?

OP posts:
karencantobe · 15/02/2020 00:23

You have a DP? Then people will be assuming your DP is supporting you and doing practical stuff. Sorry but I would not go and do someone else's housework if they have a DP who is perfectly capable of doing it.

Just arrange a time for people to come round. You don't have to cook for them. Just ask your DP to buy some cakes and invite them over for coffee and cake.

I have looked after DP through a serious illness. No one came over and did my housework, DP did it.

maddy68 · 15/02/2020 00:24

Honestly you're overthinking this. It's obvious a bigger deal to you than it is to them , thus is your world, but to them their own priorities are their world.

You're being unfair and needy. They've been their for you (,but not as much as you would like) that doesn't make them crap friends
You are pushing away your support. Time to apologize of you want them in your life or don't and they won't be. Your choice

BillieEilish · 15/02/2020 00:24

Honestly OP good for you and don't justify. You do not need to. You have many PP's who have been/are very poorly, on your thread and they understand.

Sadly, it will happen to many of them one day, they'll understand then.

karencantobe · 15/02/2020 00:26

@grandmi Maybe wait until it has actually happened? Because people in reality rarely do. A lot of people have their own shit going off.
When someone lives alone people do go more out of their way IME to give practical help though.

karencantobe · 15/02/2020 00:28

@BillieEilish I too have been very ill although not with cancer. I didn't leave the house for 6 weeks except to go to hospital. I was ill for months and months.

BillieEilish · 15/02/2020 00:31

karen Flowers

managedmis · 15/02/2020 00:31

Did anyone see the words hodgkins lymphoma?

BillieEilish · 15/02/2020 00:33

Yes, I did. It is not a good thing to have. At all. Not sure some others did though Hmm

user1493986150 · 15/02/2020 00:37

I’m sorry your in this position, but as others have said in these situations things really do come to light. My son was diagnosed with cancer over two years ago and has just started his 4th chemo regime. From the start it was clear who was really there for me. Out of my two closest friends, who both live in different towns to me one has been absolutely amazing, my rock, texts me most days, always texts me on chemo day, visits more often. The other I literally could count on one hand the number of texts I got in the first 6 months and how often I’ve seen them. It’s improved slightly now but I don’t share a lot of what’s happening as I’ve never felt supported by her. It was also two of my work colleagues that got me through the first few months and are still fabulous now. You find the people who are helping and stick with them. Perhaps your friends aren’t sure what they can do, but if they are close friends then can’t they admit that and ask what you need? If your friends come back to you and you feel you can build back on the relationship then great, but I think both they and you will find the dynamics massively different. You need to focus on yourself right now and not on things like this.
I hope the rest of your treatment goes well and wish you all the best.

DCICarolJordan · 15/02/2020 00:39

I think most people have seen the words Hodgkin’s lymphoma, yes 🤨
And while no, it’s not a good thing to have at all, I was informed repeatedly by my haematologist that if you are going to get cancer, it’s the one you want to get. Eminently treatable and very high survival rate.

echobench · 15/02/2020 00:43

Very sorry to hear OP.

My child was very ill a few years ago and some people were amazing. Others, including close family, were crap. It’s very hard to take. But mostly I think it’s just people being caught up in their own little world. I suppose that’s the definition of selfishness.

Grandmi · 15/02/2020 00:48

Kerencotobe ...I disagree..I have had friends and family with massive life changing events ie disease involving chemo etc ,very sick children ,massive suicide attempt where the person involved was my sister’s partner falling from 4 floors and have been very supportive ..I have three children who have all witnessed my support !! It can be done ...not difficult if you care enough.

SnoozyLou · 15/02/2020 00:48

Texting once every 3 weeks is a piss poor effort at being there for someone, and I don't blame you for being annoyed. Nobody is that busy.

Sorry you're going through this OP.

karencantobe · 15/02/2020 00:51

@grandmi Yes it can be done and I have done it, although not always, as it has depended what is going on for me too.
I think though in general people are better at helping a lot for a short while such as a week or two. With cancer and some other serious illnesses you can be talking about at least a year if not more.

Grandmi · 15/02/2020 01:04

Karencotobe ..hmmmnn we all have a lot going on in our lives...I certainly do and at times life is very challenging but I can say that I definitely would support a good friend/ family member for as long as necessary...cancer or any life changing event doesn’t have a time limit !!

Grandmi · 15/02/2020 01:09

Op I really hope that you recover from this horrible illness ASAP ...try not to use too much mental and physical negative energy worrying about your friends...concentrate on getting better .X

karencantobe · 15/02/2020 01:10

You are a better person than me.
By a lot going on I don't mean just everyday work, housework, etc. But still you sound a nicer person than me. I know I reach a stage where emotionally I have no reserves and nothing left to give.

Original poster
myboysmum · 15/02/2020 01:16

Dciccaroljordan - sorry to hear you also went through it and must have been so hard with a baby too. I am also on abvd but my interim scan wasn't clear so am still on the bleomycin I think it's the vinablastin that is causing most of my side effects though, mouth sores and ulcers have been a major problem too but surprisingly I have had no sickness

OP posts:
SallySun123 · 15/02/2020 01:19

You're being unfair and needy

My jaw hit the floor reading that! Either there are children with no life experience commenting on this thread or some people just don’t have a clue! OP has cancer, “needy” doesn’t even come into it. And to the person who said they wouldn’t offer housework help, that’s exactly the type of help you need when you’re at rock bottom. When you have a life limiting illness, someone else chipping in to make things that bit easier can make a huge difference.

karencantobe · 15/02/2020 01:21

@SallySun123 I said that. The OP has a DP who can do the housework. If she lived alone sure.

Original poster
myboysmum · 15/02/2020 01:39

Thank you for all your posts - some good, some bad but I guess everybody sees it differently. Until you go through something like this you never know what you expect from people and what they agree willing to give but I would definitely be there for one of my friends. I have actually just been told last week that my old neighbour has just been told he has terminal lung cancer. I was straight on the phone offering my support to him but then I guess I understand what he's going through. I am lucky enough that my cancer is treatable or even curable but due to not having a clear interim scan I have been told I have a 50% chance of a relapse within 2 years. I have had amazing support from my parents and sister and other friends.

The comment about my friends doing my housework and not my partner - my partner does help but works long hours too and well he just never does a good enough job for my liking lol. The friend who was going to do it had actually offered to do some housework whilst he was at work for me and that's what I said I needed help with. He had done everything else that I couldn't. Anyway going to try a sleep now, on the steroids for a few days which give me insomnia

OP posts:
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 15/02/2020 01:53

I haven't been through this myself but have family members and friends who have. It's astonishing how rubbish some people can be and how amazing others are. I've known people who've received barely any support from their families (siblings, parents) when recovering from a serious illness, whereas some friends were amazing.

I'm sorry you feel let down, OP. As a PP said, these experiences do sort the wheat from the chaff and you realise who you can really rely on. Your best friends may be nice people, but they're fair weather friends - so if/when they get in touch, treat them as such going forward. They're fine to meet up for a coffee, etc., but that's it.

Original poster
myboysmum · 15/02/2020 02:01

Maddy68- I have not pushed away my support, there was hardly any from them to push away. As for being unfair and needy, yes I need help both physically and emotionally but why is that unfair to expect two people who have been my friends for 20 years to be there for me just like I have been there for them over the years

OP posts:
Incontinencesucks · 15/02/2020 02:03

Sadly from your updates it soubds like maybe you were the giver and instigator who maintained these friendships?. Then when you rightly stopped and hoped they would they didn't. At least no where near as much as you did.

I'm not surprised you sent thay that text. I think it could have been framed differently to see if they'd step up, a last chance stating how hurt you were and asking them for more support, but it sounds like the friendships have run their course.

I do think you can't be sure they've not got things going on though. Emotionally i I mean. Yes it sounds pretty shit a and like you did a lot more giving then taking but you don't know if their own health, physical or mental health has changed the last few months and they didn't feel able to share which is why personally I'd have given a last chance but i do get why you lost your temper.

Càn you see if they've read the message?

springydaff · 15/02/2020 02:08

Another cancer survivor here. I found out who my friends were..

As others are saying, the people you truly expect, without thinking, to be there for you are not necessarily the ones who step up. Then other people step up completely and it's a total surprise. It doesn't take a lot of imagination to work out how shit cancer is.

After my treatment my friendship group had changed drastically - gone were the people who vanished ie I had nothing more to do with them. If someone can't step up when you are at your worst they are not worth having in your life.

I hope the horrible effects of the treatment are over soon and I do hope you make a full recovery Flowers