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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My bf keeps promising things that dont happen. How would you approach this?

423 replies

NatureWalk · 14/02/2020 08:41

I have been with my bf for a while now, to the point where we are looking at moving in together. Our kids love each other and the relationship is wonderful. We both came out of abusive relationships, mine was more mental, his ex physically attacked him many times.
However he promises things that dont appear and it's really starting to get to me. My ex would promise me things as a form of control so I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive about this.
A couple of examples, his dp are planning their yearly family trip in march, his dp take him and his daughter away to a haven type place and he asked if I wanted to do with my kids. I said I'd love too but I cant afford a holiday this year, he said no problem he would pay the extra for a bigger caravan some could go. They are going in march and since the initial conversation it's not come up again.
It's also my middle sons birthday at the beginning of march I mentioned to bf I was upset that I couldnt afford a party he said dont worry he would transfer me the money soni could book something small. That was a couple of weeks ago and nothing. He stays at mine a few nights a week (he lives with his parents) and inhave to drive a 40 min round trip to get him as he doesnt drive, hes always promising petrol money and to do food shop etc to cover some of the cost but these things never come. He has paid for petrol a couple of times.

I'm not sure how to say to him to stop promising things if he cant deliver them. I dont want it to effect the relationship but i know if dont say something soon I'll snap and itll cause a massive argument.

OP posts:
Liveandforget · 14/02/2020 08:49

He's using you financially. You're skint because he doesn't contribute. Please don't move in with him.

This man is not good for you or your dc. Get some counselling for yourself and do the Freedom course for victims of abuse. With time and withthe right support you may feel strong enough to end this relationship.

Dieu · 14/02/2020 08:50

It sounds to me like he offered these things, and then for whatever reason, thought better of it. Is it possible that his parents wanted the caravan holiday to include just them? How do you get on with them generally?
I think you need to sit down and have a frank discussion with him. You don't want to end up bankrolling him AND his kids if you do move in together. Especially if you already can't afford treats for your own children.

MyOtherProfile · 14/02/2020 08:52

He could be a liar and a user. Or he could be a bit chaotic. I promise things sometimes that I forget to follow through on. I've learnt to set alarms in my phone so I don't let people down but it was never intentional. Ask him about it. If he's going to continue in a LTR with you you need to be able to talk about these things.

Chamomileteaplease · 14/02/2020 09:00

He sounds horrible!

Two different kinds of promising. To promise nice things like a holiday and a party and then not follow through is cruel.

But day to day stuff like food and petrol is cocklodger territory.

I think you need to think this relationship through rather more.

FlorencesHunger · 14/02/2020 09:01

It is a bit tricky to see what is his motive behind it. An open discussion on things on the things that directly affect you financially is needed though. It isn't fair if you are footing the bills and if he doesn't sharpen up his act then I would seriously advise against moving in.

I have experience of men promising or saying they will do stuff and it never happening. I always take it with a pinch of salt and usually barely acknowledge they have said anything and carry on with my own plans, then it doesn't impact me.
Partly I think it's some kind of ego boost for them, look at what a nice/generous/whatever guy I am. It is weird. Ywnbu to call him out on it.

RedSheep73 · 14/02/2020 09:05

You need to get this sorted before you think about moving in together. It's hard but you need an honest conversation about what's going on. Maybe he forgets what he said, maybe he offers because he wants to make you happy in that moment but doesn't understand it's making you more unhappy that the things don't happen. Maybe he's just using you and you need to get rid.

TheCakeCrusader · 14/02/2020 09:05

You need to call him out on this and discuss why it is that promises are made and not followed through? Until there is more clarity about his behaviour, it would be a really bad idea to move in with him!

TreatMyself · 14/02/2020 09:12

You should definitely pull him up on it. I had a relationship with a man like this. I would say, you said you would do.... and act puzzled and wait to see what he would say. He usually said, I know! So at least I knew it wasn’t me misunderstanding and forgetting.

If he’s offered you money, ask him for it and accept it. (If it actually materialises.) Sounds like he’s all talk tbh.

Supersimkin2 · 14/02/2020 09:15

Remind him. See how he reacts. If he doesn't cough up, you're being used. If he apologises and pays, you aren't.

But I think you know you're being used. And he's mean as sin.

mummmy2017 · 14/02/2020 09:15

Tell him your broke, can he send you £50 petrol and food money he owes you via bank, so you can afford the drive.

sugarbum · 14/02/2020 09:18

Don't wait till you snap. Tell him.
If I were giving him the benefit of the doubt, I'd say he was forgetting. Some folk are forgetful.
It sounds more likely that its just bullshit to keep you happy in the moment though. He isn't actually planning on giving you money.
My mother in law does this, with really massive things. Oh then she denies she's said it, either because she's deliberately lying or she literally can't remember because she just says random shit on the spur of the moment that she doesn't actually mean.

I think he is in that camp. Please let him know this isn't ok. If he gives you more platitudes and promises but still doesn't come up with the goods, you know where you stand x

Sleepingboy · 14/02/2020 09:20

Perhaps he thinks you just want him for his money?!

Warmfirechocolate · 14/02/2020 09:20

My Ex did this. The biggest one being marriage which he then conveniently dragged out.

It’s a sign he’s not serious with his commitment. I’d put off moving in until you are more sure one way or another

SoloMummy · 14/02/2020 09:21

I think that you need to be upfront.
Quite literally say, you said xyz is that the case? If so here's my bank details.
The lack of transport I'm afraid I'd say he needs to man up and either find a way to get there himself or pay the petrol.

He sounds a big of a scrounger....

Branleuse · 14/02/2020 09:25

can you have a conversation about it? Whats stopping you asking him whats going on with the things he keeps promising, as nothing ever seems to come of it and its making you think that his word means nothing. Is he a people pleaser? Says what you want to hear at the time, but nothing actually comes true

Beautiful3 · 14/02/2020 09:47

I would actually test him. I'd text saying sorry I cant afford the petrol to come pick you up. If you want to send me £20 I could fill the car up and come get you? And wait to see what he does. If he doesnt then that is a massive red flag. That hes using you financially, and wouldnt even give you £30 to help you out.

Trahira · 14/02/2020 10:03

Two different things going on here.

Promising holidays etc - maybe he likes the idea of these things in his mind, but isn't so good at turning them into reality. Annoying but not a deal breaker (for me anyway).

Not contributing to expenses like food and petrol - this is much worse IMO. Definitely don't move in with him unless this changes. Why should you (and your DC) go without in order to subsidise him? You must put your foot down and insist that he contributes.

Creweneck · 14/02/2020 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TwentyViginti · 14/02/2020 10:11

Sorry but this is a massive cocklodger red flag. You are actually paying to have a man. He knows you haven't much money but is happy for you to taxi him and feed him. How will this pan out if he moves in? You'll be permanently broke servicing this entitled man.

Please do the freedom programme as suggested by a pp. Don't even think about him moving in.

ALLMYSmellySocks · 14/02/2020 10:12

I would just ask him about it again. Say you're fine if he's changed his mind but you need to know one way or the other so you can make plans. See what he says.

Whynosnowyet · 14/02/2020 10:14

Ime he has no intention of paying his way. Or helping you raise your dc. Letting you /them down is truly unacceptable.

Nowayorhighway · 14/02/2020 10:15

Call him out on it then, don’t sit silently seething about it. He’s full of empty promises which doesn’t make this a ‘wonderful relationship’ at all.

LovingLola · 14/02/2020 10:16

How can the kids love each other ??

BrimfulofSasha · 14/02/2020 10:19

My DH knows I'm pretty independant and like to do my thing, if he suggests something, even if I agree on the initial conversation, he expects me to be the one to bring it up again so we can discuss the logistics. If I don't mention it again he assumes I wasn't that bothered or I'd changed my mind.

Have you brought these things up with him? if not why not, you need to follow up conversations and not expect him to.

The petrol/food shop thing is a different matter entirely. Sometimes people need things spelling out to them. Tell him, you owe me £x for your share of groceries this weekend, if I send you my bank details can you transfer it today.
You need to stop the open ended conversations and give him your expectations in black and white.

I'm not letting him off the hook with my suggestions, but you can't control how he behaves, you do have 100% control of how you behave.

Geminijes · 14/02/2020 10:20

If you can not talk to him about this then you're not ready to live together.